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Getting On : Faith

Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints

from 4am_Insomniac - Thursday, September 05, 2002
accessed 6710 times

Courtesy of

Sorry to have to break it to you, Jesus, but those are obviously my footprints.
Look closely. See how those footprints have the wavy tread pattern on the bottom, just like my docksiders. If they were yours, they'd make a sandal mark, like the footprints next to mine a little father up the beach when I was going through better times.
See the footprints at the time of my divorce: You'll notice that the sandaled footprints drift off from the docksider ones. They lead to that picnic bench over there, the one with the cigarette butts scattered all over. It appears that in my darkest hour, instead of carrying me, you sat on a stump and had a couple of smokes. Real helpful, Jesus. Real helpful.
Sure, the sandal footprints came back when I got that big job promotion, but right at the point where my son Tommy was in the hospital, they veer off again. Actually, now that I look again, it seems like there's an unusually large distance between each of the sandal-wearer's footprints around the time of my son's illness, as if the person were actually running away.
I'm sorry, Jesus, but your whole story about carrying me during the worst moments just doesn't gibe with the facts. Besides, you'd certainly think a person would remember being carried by the Son of God, right? That's a pretty memorable thing, wouldn't you say? Well, either I've got amnesia, or you're joking around, because I don't recall being toted around by the Messiah. The only thing I do remember about my worst moments on the path of life is the horrible feeling of plodding along the cold sand all alone while icy rain fell in sheets and chill winds assailed me.
So thanks, Jesus. Thanks a bunch. You were really there for me when things got tough. Asshole

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from Lasabre
Monday, August 07, 2006 - 09:06

This is one of the most honest things i've read in a while. The word of God says that He requires honesty from the inward parts and this expression is an honest one and that's all God requires. The fact that you have gotten in out can now afford the opportunity to really grow. If you are still around then you've lived something!!!! Although many will not understand, your honest expression causes Him to be evern nearer to you even if you can not feel His presence.
(reply to this comment)
From AndyH
Monday, August 07, 2006, 09:51


First of all, it's a joke. The Onion is a comedy newspaper.

Second, BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! You're a dumbass! (reply to this comment

from Samulan
Sunday, December 05, 2004 - 16:40


Actually, I believe he's right on the money... An awesome post... Its exactly 100% how I feel. Im like so many others with alot of pain and suffering in my life and I myself have gone to church (reluctantly as a child) since as far back as I can recall... That is untill the age of 25... I really believe that JC is real and he's proven it in ways that would take far too long to ever explain... However I cant count the number of times Ive been on my knees for HOURS asking/begging for help in MY hour of need. I have a 7 year old daughter with extreme scoliosis/learning curve/hearing trouble/inablility to walk or crawl or even speak at all...and I think worst of all her troubles and the one thing that destroys me the most is when she goes thru her seziures... Theres no way I can imagine to destroy a man then to spill out all this B.S. about how F********* wonderous and loving thou art and to prove your exsistance and spout out about how great you were in a book and say "ask and yee shall find... knock and the door shall be open .... when 2 or more are gathered together.." and turn your back as he's crying out... It's pure B.S. Ive had several churches pray for me ..and my lil' one.... god I swear I wish I never heard of him.... so F***** loving piece of SH*** only PEOPLE will help you....only your family...BLOOD ...not B.S. ...and dont give me the ..."oh he puts people in your way" B.S. cuz if I was on a bus in IRAQ.... guess the next looney with a bomb in his hand that takes out everyone onboard for his "beliefs" musta been sent by somebody ...or maybe MR.
"Ill carry you through life's hardships" is done sitting at the parkbench smoking a cigarette watching the SHOW!!! with all his amazing grace....

...yes there are those that have lost thier lil' ones... and I'm really sorry... I just wont look to "him" anymore....
(reply to this comment)
from mex
Monday, March 10, 2003 - 21:51

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I love The Onion, this is an excellent post.

Thanks a million, Asshole.

(reply to this comment)
from thepersoniamnow
Saturday, September 07, 2002 - 11:54

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Is this site about getting back at the family or Jesus Christ?
Personally I would be a little bit worried about my head if I had written something like that pal

(reply to this comment)
From anon
Saturday, October 26, 2002, 21:10

I dont see how you could possibly have any use or respect for religion, after all we have seen it is capable of... our entire lives were fucked up in the very name of it and yet you defend it... And to think , they called themselves the "elite" "gods called out and chosen" "the cadre" "it" All in all, its just another illustrious page in the book of atrocities (the inqusition etc.)caused by belief in this jesus fellow... So, to any one who feels a twinge of "I'm better than the next person because..." Let them take heed to the sad and ulimately destructive end it will acomplish. The building of exclusive groups that feel they have something better than anyone are the very makings of eventual Jonestowns, Wacos and yes Families of Love(reply to this comment
From 4am_Insomniac
Saturday, September 07, 2002, 15:44

I'm not personally trying to get back at either the Family or Jesus Christ (Even then since he died 2000 years ago that would be useless). Personal beliefs are just that, "personal". Making a broad statement like "you're worried about my mental health" because of my choice of belief is almost as presumptions as the Family believing that their way was the only way. Although I may be an agnostic (not an athiest), I do have respect for other people's beliefs, which you may question due to what I previously posted.
I personally think that people get religion mixed up with their personal belief and take their religion too seriously.
Thanks, thepersoniamnow, you proved my point. (reply to this comment
From Deranged1
Tuesday, September 10, 2002, 10:41

The only thing it proves is that if you make fun of sensitive subjects people will get upset. As you noted though, you didn't write this, so I see no reason for attacking you over it.(reply to this comment
From Lance
Saturday, September 07, 2002, 15:25

Why should the "pal" be worried about his head? It's what's inside the head that matters.

This was well written, good job 4am!(reply to this comment
from ********
Friday, September 06, 2002 - 02:17

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