Disturbing Thoughts on depression and life.

from pharmaboy - Friday, April 25, 2003
accessed 1138 times

I inspired by my muse, lover and partner in crime.

Comedown Rant - The Surrender of a Subversive

It’s important that I write. I think & analyze so much, why should it all go to waste? I’ll try to stay away from those long, depressing, introspective rants that do anything but uplift the reader. I’ve come to an interesting conclusion, think as little as possible. Why make life so much more complicated than it already is? Why baffle yourself with questions you can’t answer, or to which there are no answers? Run the rat race, be content with the little you have, because there is no limit to what you COULD have. If you start running after that little bit more, you’ll run till you die, and you’ll never have a chance to sit back and enjoy what you already have.

This sounds pessimistic, but if ultimately happiness is what you’re after, then ignorance is bliss. Those ordinary people living ordinary lives which you despised because you thought they were mediocre, who can you honestly say is happier now? You with your confusion, cynicism and eternal restlessness, or them with their contentment with the simple pleasures in life. Nothing seems to satisfy anymore, no amount of travels, parties and new friends will quench that longing for something you’re not quite sure of. No, it’s not love, but love is a typical example of your restlessness. You dream of that perfect love that will make everything else right, but then find yourself incapable of loving, of letting go of your cynicism and analytical mind. You question everything you encounter in life, why not question your heart? It’s real motives, the other person’s real motives, conditions, situations and chemicals that have induced this supposed love, only to find you have analyzed away any sort of emotions you may have had, and find yourself even more confused by you own analyzing. So you analyze more, and where does it end?

I cannot find any other great meaning in life, other than obtaining lasting satisfaction & happiness. I have yet to encounter a satisfied, happy subversive, it sounds like an oxymoron, but I am surrounded by content, ordinary people. And yes, they are happy, it doesn’t just appear that way to me, they do not question fundamental rules of their society, they have no reason to. Yes, of course we all bitch about taxes, US foreign politics and inefficient garbage disposal services. We all would like a bigger house, newer car, better wages. But do you ever question if democracy is really democracy, if it really is the right way? Do you think your salary is worth you spending two thirds of your day and the best years of your life working for someone else’s dreams? Do you question not only new laws being passed, but question all the ancient, unquestionable ones? Does TV not only bore you occasionally, but actually fill you with rage as you see it for the blatant propaganda it is? Do you secretly cheer when the ‘bad guys’ evade the law and get away with it? Do you long for it all to go to hell, so we can start anew? I know I do, I used to think I had insight, that I was just a bit smarter than the crowd, but where has all this ‘insight’ brought me? Happiness? Peace? Not really.

What good has this insight been other than having a long political rant with a friend, after which both of you will go back to your jobs, taxes, and family, just like all the rest of the ‘dumb’ sheep. It’s like feeling ashamed at your doubt of Big Brother, or wanting to get reconnected to the matrix. It sounds bad, but what can you and your rebelliousness do? If you think you alone, one subversive human being, can overthrow the system you might need some psychiatric help. Maybe we do, maybe we’re the only ones that just didn’t get it. So I’m going to try hard not to think to much, I’m going to try and take everything at face value. I’m going to try not to recognize the falsity of sport, institutions, political parties, the workplace and relationships. I’ll try to be a die-hard fan of something absurd. I’ll try to believe in something. I’ll try to have faith in the good-will of big brother. Initially this will be hard, almost impossible, but the mind is amazing and so is the power of denial. I will start to see that while I thought I had ideals and higher motives, I really was just a rebellious, unthankful, destructive kid. I’ll have peace someday, the whole secret is don’t think too much. And now to get back to work.

Thoughts on depression - In reply to the phrase "it will be ok"

"It''ll be ok"


I also find this answer to a depressed person ridiculous, you''ve never been depressed have you?

The only person who can help a depressed person is himself, he has to eventually come to the conclusion that feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere. It took me 1 year of suicidal depression and every known SSRI to finally get that, but it was me that finally came to that conclusion, no one else could convince me otherwise.

Now when a depressed friend comes to me and starts the whole,"life is so pointless" crap, I give them no sympathy. You get addicted to sympathy when depressed and all you do is drag others down with you, and all the sympathy in the world won''t cure depression. I''ll tell them they won''t get any sympathy from me, only encouragement on progress done. Once a friend called me saying she just swallowed 50 random pills and wants to end it all. I told her to call someone else and hung up.

Depression is really just selfishness, all of sudden how you feel is the most important thing in the world, nothing else really matters. You fill happy people''s ears with your egotistical shit and woes, most of witch are only imaginary problems. Everyone on this god-forsaken planet has problems, why the fuck do they need to hear about yours?

I do believe that our western society today is the cause of a lot of our depression. Admit it, we are lazy, spoiled brats. I live in RSA and have yet to meet a depressed pekkie. They''re so poor, work so hard, and generally have so many REAL problems that they don''t have time to get depressed. Drug abuse & depression both stem from the same problem.

I''m not depressed anymore, I''m actually happy that now I worry about real problems in my life(money, girls, etc), not about how romantic it would be to kill myself. I still haven''t found a reason for existing in this consumerist, insipid, pointless society, But I have learned to enjoy the simple pleasures in life: friends, meth, nature, acid, Jerry Springer.

Rebuttal by Smurfkiller:

Tyler here has found the secret: depression = bad, bitterness = good. Depressed people don''t have the incentive to refuse to put up with the constant horseshit that people pile onto you every hour of every day. But once become a sour asshole, and ah! There you go. Now you can at least get some enjoyment out of life, by not letting people walk all over you.

My rebuttal:

Bitter? No way! I''m glad to be alive, to have friends who care, meth, live in a beautiful country. I''m anything but bitter.

I''m happy even though i realize I live in a decadent society, where people turn to drugs and/or get depressed out of boredom. We can afford the luxury of self-pity.

Self pity is an addictive drug, and tolerance builds up fast. Go to a poor country, survival is their main concern, they can''t afford self-pity, even though they have every right to feel sorry for themselves.

When you see real pain and suffering, things get put into perspective quickly.

I''ve been up for many nights, listening to depressed friends rant & trying to sympathize and comfort them. It never helped, only made them feel even more sorry for themselves. i realized the problem with depression is egotism: it''s all about how I feel, what''s wrong with ME, how people don''t understand ME, how nobody loves ME, I''M a bad person, I hate myself, how I don''t want to feel this way but I just need to tell you how horrible I feel. Jesus fucking Christ give me break!

When you''re depressed, positive, successful people will tell you exactly the same thing, but no, you think, no one really understands you, how horrible you feel, etc. You don''t realize how easy it is to be free. I quit being depressed when I ran out of excuses for being depressed in the first place, I didn''t lack food, shelter, proper medical care, friends, parents who loved me.
But I racked my brain for some reason to be a victim, because it''s nice feel like you have been wronged and deserve to feel so bad. Then you realize you have no reason for feeling bad so you hate yourself for being so miserable, so you feel guilty. Guilt turns to self-hate, and how can you be happy if you hate yourself?

I wasted so much time sitting around feeling like shit when I could have been getting on with life. I imprisoned myself.

That''s why I don''t feel sympathy for depressed people, sadness, yes, and it pains me to see them enslaving themselves in an imaginary prison from which they could be free, but no sympathy because nobody can help you but yourself.

Smuftkillers Reply:


Having the basic needs doesn''t mean jack or shit to me if there''s nothing to build on them. People need more than the "basic" needs in order not to want to kill themselves. Well, at least I do, and I know I''m not alone. But everything that everyone says makes life worth living is a crock of shit. And furthermore, I live in a world chock full of mindless herds of people unable to think for themselves, which haunts me so constantly everywhere I go that I''m beginning to wonder if nuclear winter would be such a bad thing after all. Believe it or not, Tyler, there can be legitimate, unimaginary reasons for depression. We are not diseased egoists, we are people with a fucking problem. Stereotypes are not welcome here.

My final Reply:


I didn''t mean to undermine your problem, sorry if I came across like that. I know where you''re coming from, my depression was also a sort of ''intellectual'' depression, because I realized that everything was a load of shit, there is nothing left to believe in, no more worlds to conquer, everything has already been done. I still feel this way, which is why i have difficulty finding a passion in life, or at least a hobby(other than reading) to keep my mind busy and challenged. My posts indicate how I cope with things now, as this is how an older, successful friend of mine set me slowly on this road to regain the joy of living. I used to ask my psychiatrist the reason he got out of bed in the morning. Ask me what the meaning in life is, or what i have found that makes me happy? I still don''t know, but I''ve stopped going by my feelings, I stopped making the reaching of some great unknown objective or enlightenment the purpose of my life. I''m learning to enjoy the journey of life, and to appreciate my individuality, even if few people understand me. I''ve found friends that are individuals, yes those kind of people still exist, all different and we thrive in our own diversity.

I''ve also been disappointed in love, actually I''ve never known love. To me it''s just something that exists because it happens to everyone else. I''ve been betrayed by friends which I knew since childhood. I haven''t started to study anything yet, because nothing seems to interest me long enough, I''m restless. That why I try to do something new every weekend, not just involving drugs and parties, a long hike, meet new people, going to new places, debating with new people. How can I write off this life as pointless if I haven''t tried everything, and I don''t think I''ll ever live long enough to see and try everything.

I didn''t mean to say either that you or anyone depressed are spoiled brats. After I came out of this depression, I questioned why had it in the first place. I met others who were depressed for similar motives. I analyzed the society we live in as a possible cause of depression. I went to Zambia, and talked to new friends, and saw that despite they''re hardships they were happy inside. Simple things we take for granted would fill them with joy. I questioned why I turned to drugs for entertainment. I realized the western society does not encourage independent thinkers or individuals like ourselves. In school we are taught to be good employees, good followers, though subtle influencing in the media, we are taught that thinking differently to the status quo is dangerous, and is the cause of extremists and fanatics. Our civilization has advanced by leaps and bounds over the past century, so has our intellect, but modern day entertainment still caters to the dumb sheep. We turn to drugs because nothing else out there satisfies and stimulates our brain like drugs. I could continue but think you already know all this...

A few books which helped me a lot

Voltaire''s "Candide"

Kerouac''s(sp?) "On The Road"

Anything from Palahnuik

I wish you luck in your journey, and hope you''ll find peace..

Extra Bonus!! My reply to: good goy vs assertive asshole, who gets the girl?

W hat is this silly distinction, so either you are an assertive asshole or a sissy nice-guy? WTF??

I’m an assertive person, although rarely do I know what I want in life, when I do want something I get it, in whatever way possible. I’m loud, crazy at times and will do things few would think of doing. This Sunday I went to the main posh church of Joberg, the service is televised, and I pitched up there barefoot, with a friend who hadn''t slept in four days and was delusional(he was the only one who would go with me), and went up to the stage to tune the pastor that his salvation scheme wasn''t good value for money and wasn''t competitive on the market, needless to say I got hauled out by the ushers while my friend stood there giggling at people and telling them to stop pulling faces at him. So I’m not shy...Usually at a party I''ll throw myself in the middle off the crowd, and entertain everybody with my odd view on the world & perspective in general...I’m an ex-kick boxer & skinhead, no I’m not a shy, string for a backbone nerd...but I consider myself a nice guy.

I am a nice guy, I don''t put up false fronts of myself, If I like a girl I’ll tell her, no playing hard to get or other bullshit, I''m not mean to women, I respect them and treat them like an equal, I''m courteous and considerate and would die before intentionally hurting a girls feelings. But I''m still considered a nice guy by girls, and usually the ''asshole'' type is preferred over me. So, should I be MORE assertive? I''ve tried that route and only come across as a needy person, and that is always a turn-off. Or should I keep being the nice, friendly, extrovert that I am? I have little success with either way. Maybe it''s because I like to become friends with a girl first, then make the move. Maybe it''s because I say fuck the game, I like you, no playing around. Girls want to be considered equals? Then they must stop messing around and go out on the hunt like guys, stop playing hard to get & make the first move every now and then. We live in a modern society but still go by old-fashioned dating rules. The guy does NOT have to make the first move, No the chick isn''t doing you a favor or yielding to your advances, she either wants you too or she doesn''t, no games...

There, now I''ve had my rant for the day..