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Disturbing Thoughts on depression and life.

from pharmaboy - Friday, April 25, 2003
accessed 1138 times

I inspired by my muse, lover and partner in crime.

Comedown Rant - The Surrender of a Subversive

Itís important that I write. I think & analyze so much, why should it all go to waste? Iíll try to stay away from those long, depressing, introspective rants that do anything but uplift the reader. Iíve come to an interesting conclusion, think as little as possible. Why make life so much more complicated than it already is? Why baffle yourself with questions you canít answer, or to which there are no answers? Run the rat race, be content with the little you have, because there is no limit to what you COULD have. If you start running after that little bit more, youíll run till you die, and youíll never have a chance to sit back and enjoy what you already have.

This sounds pessimistic, but if ultimately happiness is what youíre after, then ignorance is bliss. Those ordinary people living ordinary lives which you despised because you thought they were mediocre, who can you honestly say is happier now? You with your confusion, cynicism and eternal restlessness, or them with their contentment with the simple pleasures in life. Nothing seems to satisfy anymore, no amount of travels, parties and new friends will quench that longing for something youíre not quite sure of. No, itís not love, but love is a typical example of your restlessness. You dream of that perfect love that will make everything else right, but then find yourself incapable of loving, of letting go of your cynicism and analytical mind. You question everything you encounter in life, why not question your heart? Itís real motives, the other personís real motives, conditions, situations and chemicals that have induced this supposed love, only to find you have analyzed away any sort of emotions you may have had, and find yourself even more confused by you own analyzing. So you analyze more, and where does it end?

I cannot find any other great meaning in life, other than obtaining lasting satisfaction & happiness. I have yet to encounter a satisfied, happy subversive, it sounds like an oxymoron, but I am surrounded by content, ordinary people. And yes, they are happy, it doesnít just appear that way to me, they do not question fundamental rules of their society, they have no reason to. Yes, of course we all bitch about taxes, US foreign politics and inefficient garbage disposal services. We all would like a bigger house, newer car, better wages. But do you ever question if democracy is really democracy, if it really is the right way? Do you think your salary is worth you spending two thirds of your day and the best years of your life working for someone elseís dreams? Do you question not only new laws being passed, but question all the ancient, unquestionable ones? Does TV not only bore you occasionally, but actually fill you with rage as you see it for the blatant propaganda it is? Do you secretly cheer when the Ďbad guysí evade the law and get away with it? Do you long for it all to go to hell, so we can start anew? I know I do, I used to think I had insight, that I was just a bit smarter than the crowd, but where has all this Ďinsightí brought me? Happiness? Peace? Not really.

What good has this insight been other than having a long political rant with a friend, after which both of you will go back to your jobs, taxes, and family, just like all the rest of the Ďdumbí sheep. Itís like feeling ashamed at your doubt of Big Brother, or wanting to get reconnected to the matrix. It sounds bad, but what can you and your rebelliousness do? If you think you alone, one subversive human being, can overthrow the system you might need some psychiatric help. Maybe we do, maybe weíre the only ones that just didnít get it. So Iím going to try hard not to think to much, Iím going to try and take everything at face value. Iím going to try not to recognize the falsity of sport, institutions, political parties, the workplace and relationships. Iíll try to be a die-hard fan of something absurd. Iíll try to believe in something. Iíll try to have faith in the good-will of big brother. Initially this will be hard, almost impossible, but the mind is amazing and so is the power of denial. I will start to see that while I thought I had ideals and higher motives, I really was just a rebellious, unthankful, destructive kid. Iíll have peace someday, the whole secret is donít think too much. And now to get back to work.

Thoughts on depression - In reply to the phrase "it will be ok"

"It''ll be ok"

I also find this answer to a depressed person ridiculous, you''ve never been depressed have you?

The only person who can help a depressed person is himself, he has to eventually come to the conclusion that feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere. It took me 1 year of suicidal depression and every known SSRI to finally get that, but it was me that finally came to that conclusion, no one else could convince me otherwise.

Now when a depressed friend comes to me and starts the whole,"life is so pointless" crap, I give them no sympathy. You get addicted to sympathy when depressed and all you do is drag others down with you, and all the sympathy in the world won''t cure depression. I''ll tell them they won''t get any sympathy from me, only encouragement on progress done. Once a friend called me saying she just swallowed 50 random pills and wants to end it all. I told her to call someone else and hung up.

Depression is really just selfishness, all of sudden how you feel is the most important thing in the world, nothing else really matters. You fill happy people''s ears with your egotistical shit and woes, most of witch are only imaginary problems. Everyone on this god-forsaken planet has problems, why the fuck do they need to hear about yours?

I do believe that our western society today is the cause of a lot of our depression. Admit it, we are lazy, spoiled brats. I live in RSA and have yet to meet a depressed pekkie. They''re so poor, work so hard, and generally have so many REAL problems that they don''t have time to get depressed. Drug abuse & depression both stem from the same problem.

I''m not depressed anymore, I''m actually happy that now I worry about real problems in my life(money, girls, etc), not about how romantic it would be to kill myself. I still haven''t found a reason for existing in this consumerist, insipid, pointless society, But I have learned to enjoy the simple pleasures in life: friends, meth, nature, acid, Jerry Springer.

Rebuttal by Smurfkiller:

Tyler here has found the secret: depression = bad, bitterness = good. Depressed people don''t have the incentive to refuse to put up with the constant horseshit that people pile onto you every hour of every day. But once become a sour asshole, and ah! There you go. Now you can at least get some enjoyment out of life, by not letting people walk all over you.

My rebuttal:

Bitter? No way! I''m glad to be alive, to have friends who care, meth, live in a beautiful country. I''m anything but bitter.

I''m happy even though i realize I live in a decadent society, where people turn to drugs and/or get depressed out of boredom. We can afford the luxury of self-pity.

Self pity is an addictive drug, and tolerance builds up fast. Go to a poor country, survival is their main concern, they can''t afford self-pity, even though they have every right to feel sorry for themselves.

When you see real pain and suffering, things get put into perspective quickly.

I''ve been up for many nights, listening to depressed friends rant & trying to sympathize and comfort them. It never helped, only made them feel even more sorry for themselves. i realized the problem with depression is egotism: it''s all about how I feel, what''s wrong with ME, how people don''t understand ME, how nobody loves ME, I''M a bad person, I hate myself, how I don''t want to feel this way but I just need to tell you how horrible I feel. Jesus fucking Christ give me break!

When you''re depressed, positive, successful people will tell you exactly the same thing, but no, you think, no one really understands you, how horrible you feel, etc. You don''t realize how easy it is to be free. I quit being depressed when I ran out of excuses for being depressed in the first place, I didn''t lack food, shelter, proper medical care, friends, parents who loved me.
But I racked my brain for some reason to be a victim, because it''s nice feel like you have been wronged and deserve to feel so bad. Then you realize you have no reason for feeling bad so you hate yourself for being so miserable, so you feel guilty. Guilt turns to self-hate, and how can you be happy if you hate yourself?

I wasted so much time sitting around feeling like shit when I could have been getting on with life. I imprisoned myself.

That''s why I don''t feel sympathy for depressed people, sadness, yes, and it pains me to see them enslaving themselves in an imaginary prison from which they could be free, but no sympathy because nobody can help you but yourself.

Smuftkillers Reply:

Having the basic needs doesn''t mean jack or shit to me if there''s nothing to build on them. People need more than the "basic" needs in order not to want to kill themselves. Well, at least I do, and I know I''m not alone. But everything that everyone says makes life worth living is a crock of shit. And furthermore, I live in a world chock full of mindless herds of people unable to think for themselves, which haunts me so constantly everywhere I go that I''m beginning to wonder if nuclear winter would be such a bad thing after all. Believe it or not, Tyler, there can be legitimate, unimaginary reasons for depression. We are not diseased egoists, we are people with a fucking problem. Stereotypes are not welcome here.

My final Reply:

I didn''t mean to undermine your problem, sorry if I came across like that. I know where you''re coming from, my depression was also a sort of ''intellectual'' depression, because I realized that everything was a load of shit, there is nothing left to believe in, no more worlds to conquer, everything has already been done. I still feel this way, which is why i have difficulty finding a passion in life, or at least a hobby(other than reading) to keep my mind busy and challenged. My posts indicate how I cope with things now, as this is how an older, successful friend of mine set me slowly on this road to regain the joy of living. I used to ask my psychiatrist the reason he got out of bed in the morning. Ask me what the meaning in life is, or what i have found that makes me happy? I still don''t know, but I''ve stopped going by my feelings, I stopped making the reaching of some great unknown objective or enlightenment the purpose of my life. I''m learning to enjoy the journey of life, and to appreciate my individuality, even if few people understand me. I''ve found friends that are individuals, yes those kind of people still exist, all different and we thrive in our own diversity.

I''ve also been disappointed in love, actually I''ve never known love. To me it''s just something that exists because it happens to everyone else. I''ve been betrayed by friends which I knew since childhood. I haven''t started to study anything yet, because nothing seems to interest me long enough, I''m restless. That why I try to do something new every weekend, not just involving drugs and parties, a long hike, meet new people, going to new places, debating with new people. How can I write off this life as pointless if I haven''t tried everything, and I don''t think I''ll ever live long enough to see and try everything.

I didn''t mean to say either that you or anyone depressed are spoiled brats. After I came out of this depression, I questioned why had it in the first place. I met others who were depressed for similar motives. I analyzed the society we live in as a possible cause of depression. I went to Zambia, and talked to new friends, and saw that despite they''re hardships they were happy inside. Simple things we take for granted would fill them with joy. I questioned why I turned to drugs for entertainment. I realized the western society does not encourage independent thinkers or individuals like ourselves. In school we are taught to be good employees, good followers, though subtle influencing in the media, we are taught that thinking differently to the status quo is dangerous, and is the cause of extremists and fanatics. Our civilization has advanced by leaps and bounds over the past century, so has our intellect, but modern day entertainment still caters to the dumb sheep. We turn to drugs because nothing else out there satisfies and stimulates our brain like drugs. I could continue but think you already know all this...

A few books which helped me a lot

Voltaire''s "Candide"

Kerouac''s(sp?) "On The Road"

Anything from Palahnuik

I wish you luck in your journey, and hope you''ll find peace..

Extra Bonus!! My reply to: good goy vs assertive asshole, who gets the girl?

W hat is this silly distinction, so either you are an assertive asshole or a sissy nice-guy? WTF??

Iím an assertive person, although rarely do I know what I want in life, when I do want something I get it, in whatever way possible. Iím loud, crazy at times and will do things few would think of doing. This Sunday I went to the main posh church of Joberg, the service is televised, and I pitched up there barefoot, with a friend who hadn''t slept in four days and was delusional(he was the only one who would go with me), and went up to the stage to tune the pastor that his salvation scheme wasn''t good value for money and wasn''t competitive on the market, needless to say I got hauled out by the ushers while my friend stood there giggling at people and telling them to stop pulling faces at him. So Iím not shy...Usually at a party I''ll throw myself in the middle off the crowd, and entertain everybody with my odd view on the world & perspective in general...Iím an ex-kick boxer & skinhead, no Iím not a shy, string for a backbone nerd...but I consider myself a nice guy.

I am a nice guy, I don''t put up false fronts of myself, If I like a girl Iíll tell her, no playing hard to get or other bullshit, I''m not mean to women, I respect them and treat them like an equal, I''m courteous and considerate and would die before intentionally hurting a girls feelings. But I''m still considered a nice guy by girls, and usually the ''asshole'' type is preferred over me. So, should I be MORE assertive? I''ve tried that route and only come across as a needy person, and that is always a turn-off. Or should I keep being the nice, friendly, extrovert that I am? I have little success with either way. Maybe it''s because I like to become friends with a girl first, then make the move. Maybe it''s because I say fuck the game, I like you, no playing around. Girls want to be considered equals? Then they must stop messing around and go out on the hunt like guys, stop playing hard to get & make the first move every now and then. We live in a modern society but still go by old-fashioned dating rules. The guy does NOT have to make the first move, No the chick isn''t doing you a favor or yielding to your advances, she either wants you too or she doesn''t, no games...

There, now I''ve had my rant for the day..

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from pharmaboy
Friday, May 13, 2005 - 11:42

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I am constantly criticized for my sick sense of humour, fascination for/instigator of violence, and general fetish for the absurd and deviant.

Why? Why am I, like my dad once told me, a dog that just wants to be beaten?

Because normality is boring, is one answer. The-Way-Things Have-Always-Worked is an eternal clichť, it's banal, it's an understatement. In my mind, the quest to summarize and condense it all into easy, rational, functional compartments has instead mutated a love of the random, of confusion, of intentional, serious nonsense.

Sexual deviance, excess, addiction, senseless violence and every underground fetish, from piercing to branding to suspension to S&M are the highest forms of human expression in the western world. Most of capitalism is impersonal, packaged, the mass production of commodities, of necessity and nothing more. We pride ourselves with being the most advanced species on this planet, but we are still boggled in necessity nad utility, we are really still monkeys with high tech gizmos. We are so predictable it's not funny, our high and untouchable emotions of compassion and love are so easily manipulated by whoever knows just a little about human psychology, or anyone who takes a moment to observe the behaviour of his house pet.

Our basic survival instincts prattle the ancient clichťs, and we think we have freedom, true freedom of thought I mean, and something few of us really have a clue about, although freedom is a household word, an inalienable right, etc...oh shut up already, I'm getting sick. It's all so predictable and so silly, you're such an animal you can't even see it for yourself. I have nothing wrong with the animal world, but I also believe that if we are to live up to our standard of the smartest, more-than-simple-mammals and noble creatures who have invented democracy and sliced bread, then we really haven't gotten anywhere by having only survival and utility in mind, and nothing more.

I see this civilisation as sick, I don't need to go into the symptoms, anyone can see them if they stop to look for a second. This culture is sick because it has been lying to itself for far too long. It refuses to see the senselessness of it all while it takes up yet another crusade in the name of the greater good, it is so full of inconsistencies and irrational hypocrisy I could spend the rest of my life doubled up in laughter at it all. So my reaction to it is this: you talk nonsense, but sound just like my dog or the milk cow in the fields over there. You tell me to be productive and useful and to find my niche, you call me foolish for not being a good mammal, but then are offended when I call us animals and mercenaries, your deep mammal sensibility is hurt by my sneering, but all I see is a monkey who refuses to admit what he is, and that's extremely funny somehow.

So I walk away, and decide that my perverted, experimental absurdity is better than your hypocritical, incoherent nonsense. Fuck political ideologies, fuck utility, fuck ease and certainty, fuck safety. How do we know these things are even good for us? Maybe we need them in order to grow? Fuck proper ness, fuck neurotic bourgeois form and no substance. A bunch of well-dressed monkey's with their whores(wives) by their side on the way to church, or out for a drooling stroll at the mall, the worst insult you could think up is calling them monkeys and their wives whores, but find a single one of them who didn't marry for economic reasons.

Give me deviance and strangeness anytime, these truly deviant, twisted people are the ones who with their trial and error, with their failures, with their excesses are uncovering the sickness of this society, with their addictions and foul tastes and love of destruction expose the falsity of bourgeois lies by taking it's uselessness to the extreme. These that go against instincts, the twisted, the inverted ones, are perhaps the few that have achieved a form of mental freedom, they are more human than human, more evolved than these apes in denial.

Apocalpyse Now, some thoughts

Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" from which the idea of the film was taken is often accused of racism. It seems the only light that critics look at "Heart of Darkness". I think it's a symptom of our current European culture of weakness to limit Conrad's novel to a shameful epitome of western colonialism, and it's an incomplete outlook on a turbulent and sad part of our history.

This view is parallel to the general certainty that "Apocalypse Now" is a denouncement of the horrors of war brought to it's most extreme form in mad Kurtz. He is the hero of the movie, he had reached such depths of self-knowledge, he had streched the limits of human strength and will power.

In a relative, subjective world, there is no morality, war and death and insanity and murder are not intrinsically evil. There is no right to live, life is only what you manage to get for yourself, and I don't mean material objects necessarily. The same goes for Conrad's Kurtz who formed an army of Africans who worshipped him as a god.

The only evil in such an outlook is hypocrisy. The war was wrong, not because violence is wrong(anyone who tells you violence is wrong is a wimp), but because it was being fought for obscure reasons, on obscure principles of good guys vs bad guys, on the grounds of helping the Vietnamese when anyone could see that they did more damage than good.

Kurtz went beyond all that, he saw nature, even human nature, as both terrible and cruel, denying that would be hypocrisy. Then came his demise, no, it's not the symbolic decay of western bully culture, it was only a man who had totally placed himself in nature's care reaping nature's conclusion, sickness, probably malaria. It's a fitting end, only in this culture of weakness and decay do we raise death by old age as the best possible conclusion to existence. I would find nothing more undignified than dying at 80: old, decrepit, senile burden to everyone around me, who heave a sigh of relief at my long overdue death. Kurtz could have hoped for no better death.

As one of his final words were, "It's judgment that defeats us". Not only the war, but our future as well.

(reply to this comment)
From a big fan
Friday, May 13, 2005, 12:12


Well! The tiger prowls the jungle yet again, I see. This prey is going to play easy to catch! :-P(reply to this comment

from ack
Friday, May 13, 2005 - 10:01

I liked your bit on depression. You have this capacity to grasp the big picture that is refreshing. You see the forest despite the trees. It was a pleasure to read.
(reply to this comment)
from lacy
Thursday, May 12, 2005 - 13:57

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Pharm, I have to say, this article is amazing. It is the most interesting thing I've read in a long time. I could relate to most of it. I feel exactly the same way and have for a long time about depressed people. Some people think entirely too much. I for one, tend to over analyze this life too but have come to the realization that if I don't stop agonizing over my past, my present, my life and my issues, I will go insane. I too am learning to just stop trying to figure out what the fuck this life is about and for, and just live it!! I will be printing out your article too.-- good job! I wanna check out the books too.
(reply to this comment)
from live_fast-die_young
Thursday, April 01, 2004 - 03:33


Yyyyesss! Thank YOU! Only just read this now and, no kiddings...I've printed you out babe! Love your rant-ations! I do it myself but on topics not worthy of posting (To tea-cozy or or not to tea-cozy, that is my frequent question.) and it's incredibly refreshing to find such assertiveness.

Like Kerouac too, huh? What about Allen Ginsberg?

(reply to this comment)

From Sir Rantalot
Sunday, April 04, 2004, 15:02


Glad you liked it, no I haven't got around to reading Ginsberg, as I'm currently in the army(&I I will post a long rant on my life in the army...coming soon!)


SR(reply to this comment

From live_fast-die_young
Saturday, April 17, 2004, 03:26

Oh dear. No Ginzy? Don't they allow reading in the army?(reply to this comment
from snowhite
Wednesday, June 18, 2003 - 18:21

i luv your rants. got anymore?
(reply to this comment)
From Sir Rantalot
Thursday, June 19, 2003, 03:39


Lots, scattered around the net on various bulletin boards. I'll post some more as they come.

But recently my rants have all been inspired by my muse, her depression, her lack of interest in anything(except certain pleasurable chems) & the fact that money has no value to her because being from a rich family, she has never had to earn it. We have a tortuous relationship, but can't stay away from each other. I could rant about that, but it would be disturbing and far too personal.  I may write a fictitious stroy on it though in the future.

Btw thanks for the compliment, at least somebody likes them!

Cheers, Ph.A

(reply to this comment
from pharmaboy..
Wednesday, June 18, 2003 - 05:41

I tried to post this as a separate article, but I can't for some unknown reason. So I edited an old post of mine. Opinions welcome
(reply to this comment)
from Sir Rantalot..
Wednesday, June 18, 2003 - 05:38


Bump, Any opinions anyone???



(reply to this comment)
From 6stringdevil
Thursday, May 12, 2005, 13:11

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
finally something disturbing enough to interest me,great read man tks for posting. Coming from a year of hard drugs and violent spoiled gf's,I can appreciate this.(reply to this comment
From hey
Thursday, May 12, 2005, 13:41

Are your parents Angelo and Sarah?(reply to this comment
From 6stringdevil
Thursday, May 12, 2005, 16:28

who are you?(reply to this comment
From a big fan
Thursday, May 12, 2005, 13:39

If you want to read some of his other articles, look it up under his profile. (reply to this comment

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