Monday, October 27, 2003 - 13:48
Last night I started weeping and crying and it was the part of me that had been hurt over and over that was crying and coming out! Its like there is this abused part of me that closed up because people (especially men) took advantage. And that abused part of me doesn't want any man to get close or dominate it! So as a protection I created another (FAKE) part that is easily accessed, that wants to please and do anything for men (This part of me is Fake of course, its like being on the rebound!)
And then after crying and crying , I tryed to forgive myself for allowing men to take advantage of me sexually, this is hard, but when I begin to understand why I acted out and pretended I began to understand myself better. Its because I was also made so afraid not to, so afraid of the reactions and losing this so called intimacy. So unreal this fake closeness, yet I'd do anything to make it real!
So this abused part of me is no longer pushed away, hidden away from men. It is exposed now. I will not pretend about things being fine when they are not! Its causing more abuse when you do that!
If I have sex again, I need to first say what happened to me before, then say what I want exactly....and that I should stop at any moment if i need to! Just have the guts to stand up for yourself!
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