Moving On - Children of the Children of God

While listening to a certain song you sent to me today, I became angry and I realized I have been angry for most of my life, but now I feel furious for being so utterly helpless and weak. I am angry at myself for not loving you. I am furious at myself for not being what you need and for not being capable of showing you the love that you so desperately deserve. You are beautiful! You are perfect, but I am ugly, broken, and never learned how to love or how to understand these feelings you so freely lay before me.

Why did you pick me? Why did you pick someone who runs from the very thing you chase? Do you not understand that I was taught to hate, to doubt, to never trust, and it goes against my very being to accept that someone can really see me as anything but ugly? All I see, and all I will ever be is the mangled mess that I will be forever trying to transform. Do you ever wonder why I hate looking into a mirror or at a photograph of myself? It is because I can see what I really am. I see all the hate, the pain, the fear, the broken person that is me. My eyes give everything away and I hate them for it. If the eyes are the window to my soul, then my soul is angry, disturbed and is screaming out from the darkness it cannot escape from.

So many people want to love you, but you can only see me. Yet, my eyes remain closed and I cannot see you. Go to them, leave me, and let them give you what you long for, what you need. If you stay with me, you will be left with a broken heart and I will be left with the memory of breaking it. I want to love you. I want to feel what you need me to feel, force it into being and make it so. Someone as beautiful as you deserves his love to be returned, but I cannot force my heart to beat for you, when it never learned to beat for itself.

This life we live, what a joke we make it. We try to fit it all in, all the love, all the needs, desires and then we die. What happens then? Can we take anything with us or are we simply tossed into nothingness, the door slammed and we are gone forever? Why does this life mean anything at all? Why do I try so hard when I am destined to be nothing when I am done? What difference does it make, going from nothing to nothing? When I die will I finally sleep? Will I dream of everything I wasn’t able to feel? Will I dream of love? Will I dream of you?

What does love look like? Does it look like you, beautiful? Do we look like we feel? I want to feel beautiful for you, but the scars will never heal. I fear I will never be more than broken glass and the empty spaces in-between forever reflecting a person I so long to forget. Do you want me to fake it? Do you want me to pretend that I love you, that I can feel? Would this be love to do this for you?

“One good stretch before our hibernation and we will all sleep well.” Don’t waste your last stretch on me. What can I give you that is mine to give? What could I offer you that would ever make you understand how special you are? Please know that you will never be forgotten? I only ask in return that you forget me. I want it to be as if I were never here, touched nothing, changed nothing and left with what I had been given… nothing.

I was not meant to live in this world, not made strong enough, because I allowed people to break me and now I lay shattered and ripped apart and my blood has run cold. I have no depth, no warmth and I have no life that is mine to offer. I am sorry that I was not strong enough and that you are suffering from my lack of resilience. I will be forever angry that I could not heal for you and that I cannot be the person that you see in me. Please forgive me and know I will never forgive myself.

I wish for you to leave me, love someone who loves you and sleep well, knowing that you lived the life you wanted and you received all the love that you gave in return. I want you to see in someone’s eyes what you have shown me in yours. Forget me, for I am nothing but an illusion of a person who wanted to live, who wanted a life, but never learned to be comfortable in their skin. I died slowly, painfully and have been left with nothing more than decay and emptiness. Loving me is like loving a phantom of someone who never quite made it into being.

I do not want to be remembered, I want to be forgotten almost as much as I want to forget.

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from madness
Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - 20:46
(Agree/Disagree?)
"rushing and racing and running in circles
moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
getting nowhere

my head and my heart are colliding chaotic
pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

save me
somebody take my hand and lead me
slow me down
don't let love pass me by
just show me how
cause I'm ready to fall

slow me down
don't let me live a lie
before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

sometimes I fear that I might disappear
in the blur of fast forward I falter again
forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

all that I've missed I see in the reflection
pass me while I wasn't paying attention
tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

tell me
oh won't you take my hand and lead me
slow me down
don't let love pass me by
just show me how
cause I'm ready to fall

slow me down
don't let me live a lie
before my life flies by
i need you to slow me down

just show me
i need you to slow me down
slow me down
slow me down

the noise of the world is getting me caught up
chasing the clock and i wish i could stop it
just need to breathe
somebody please
slow me down"

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from madly
Friday, November 02, 2007 - 21:53
(Agree/Disagree?)

"The sun kisses the windowsill and I am still
On my second cup of pity me
It's been a long night chasing ghosts but at the most
It's been a rude awakening
That all too late I finally see

That it's
My loss, my lonely
My mistake, mine only
Mine all, mine all mine
And it's my bad, my broken
All my should have's left unspoken
Mine all, mine all mine

I drove you to the edge of the map and after that
I pushed you off just to watch you fall
You never were the bounce back kind
But boy this time you've proven me wrong after all
Now I'm the one who's gonna crawl

'Cause it's
My loss, my lonely
My mistake, mine only
Mine all, mine all mine
And it's my bad, my broken
All my should have's left unspoken
Mine all, mine all mine

Always thought I'd get to sorry
But the chance has come and gone
So if it finds it's way back in
I'll hold on hold on hold on

My loss, my lonely
My mistake, mine only
Mine all, mine all, mine all mine"

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from madly
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 - 14:29
(Agree/Disagree?)
[Removed at author's request]
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From Samuel
Saturday, September 29, 2007, 19:01
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQfERb9HVk(reply to this comment)
from you know who
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 - 10:04
(Agree/Disagree?)

I remembered this, reading what you wrote above. I don't know how it relates except that it was the first thing that came to me. I hope that it will say something to you that you need to hear. I give it to you now, for you, for him.

Where dips the rocky highland
Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,
There lies a leafy island
Where flapping herons wake
The drowsy water-rats;
There we've hid our faery vats,
Full of berries
And of reddest stolen cherries.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can
understand.

Where the wave of moonlight glosses
The dim grey sands with light,
Far off by furthest Rosses
We foot it all the night,
Weaving olden dances,
Mingling hands and mingling glances
Till the moon has taken flight;
To and fro we leap
And chase the frothy bubbles,
While the world is full of troubles
And is anxious in its sleep.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can
understand.

Where the wandering water gushes
From the hills above Glen-Car,
In pools among the rushes
That scarce could bathe a star,
We seek for slumbering trout
And whispering in their ears
Give them unquiet dreams;
Leaning softly out
From ferns that drop their tears
Over the young streams.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can
understand.

Away with us he's going,
The solemn-eyed:
He'll hear no more the lowing
Of the calves on the warm hillside
Or the kettle on the hob
Sing peace into his breast,
Or see the brown mice bob
Round and round the oatmeal-chest.
For he comes, the human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
From a world more full of weeping than he can
understand.

(I don't think you wanted comments on this, so I apologise. But I want you to know that I can relate far more than you probably think, though circumstances were not the same. We will talk sometime in the chat, if you want.)

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from nix
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 - 09:34
(Agree/Disagree?)

:(

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