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Getting On : Lovers
Romance with an ex-cultie | from somebody - Tuesday, January 09, 2007
accessed 2427 times jsut a thought i had after reading nice guys finish last article just wanting an opinion on if someone is dating you, how do you react to love, and sex, and commitment, based on being in the cult?
such as:
are you afraid of commitment
run to the hill when someone says they love you
love/hate sex
etc etc etc |
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from strops53
Saturday, January 24, 2009 - 15:19
(Agree/Disagree?)
well i'm 15 and I feel a need to have a guy who can take to know about what i've been through and who cld, "support" me in way. I want him to be able to understand and accept the fact that I come from such a thing and not run off! So I wanted to know if there are actually guys out there (other than ex-family members of course) who actually accept that, try to understand how u feel and help u out (as much as they possibly cld)?
(reply to this comment)
| | | | from SeanSwede
Saturday, April 07, 2007 - 22:56
(Agree/Disagree?)
Don`t wanna sound boastfull but every person i have ever dated outside of TF fell madly inlove and wanted to get married and settle down. They said that I was different and uniqe and had so much to talk about and had so many different insights on alot of different and unusual things. Was calm and passive and not critical of how they were etc. Down to earth and etc etc etc.
(reply to this comment)
|  From SeanSwede
Tuesday, April 17, 2007, 07:50
(Agree/Disagree?)
The other side of this coin is that after 10 years of living with my gf we finally separated. I wanted the separation most of all cause alot of reasons but I guess I blame myself alot because I had problems myself that I needed to deal with and couldnt deal with it when having a relationship with a person at the same time... ah its complicated but I`m sure some of you understand what I mean by that.
I can understand that relationships with "ex-culties" can be very different or unusual in the whole process, but what can I say, it is the way it is. Our past can never be undone but we can always look forward to the future and make the best of it as best we possibly can whether in a relationship/marriage or not.(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | from somebody
Saturday, April 07, 2007 - 06:16
(Agree/Disagree?)
anyone else find it kinda hard to follow conversations in this? im getting a little bit confused now lol
(reply to this comment)
| | | | | | | | | | from banal_commentator
Thursday, April 05, 2007 - 10:33
(Agree/Disagree?)
At this point, any romance in my life would be optimal...
(reply to this comment)
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | From vix
Friday, April 06, 2007, 05:22
(Agree/Disagree?)
Goddammit, placebo! All fucking morning I've been trying to come up with a suitable adjective beginning with 'w' to go with the bitch bit. How hilarious that I, of all people, didn't think of 'whiny'. Sigh. I can probably beat you in the whiny bitch stakes, but you get multiple cool points for beating me to this classy comment.
(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | from Kelly
Tuesday, April 03, 2007 - 16:07
 (Agree/Disagree?)
To answer your question: Somebody, on the topic of sex, I have come to a point in my life where meaningless—or purely physical sex just does nothing for me. Do I hate it? NO! Has it been good so far ?.....Honestly, most of it hasn’t been all that good…a lot of past experiences were about control and violence not sex—and there is defiantly a big difference!
For me, good sex has a spiritual aspect to it. Two people connecting spiritually, emotionally and physically is a recipe for pure magic… something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Have I experienced this yet? I have had small glimpse of it…. moments where I felt it…but, I let it go just as quickly …in the past fear has hindered me…fear of letting go, being myself.. Etc. I often find it easier to give then to receive…I enjoy giving when I really love someone.
I am hopeful for what is to come...I believe that with time and the right person…I will be able to let go and truly experience what I feel—be in the moment –and live my fantasy. Sex is not something I have been getting a lot of lately. Do I want it? Ya! More then ever. Yet, I refuse to simply go through the motions (with someone else) without first feeling the deeper connection. I want sex to get me closer to my partner not further. Hope that helps…if you want to discuss this more..(which I am always open to )..we could meet in the chat room sometime…
(reply to this comment)
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | from Kelly
Wednesday, March 14, 2007 - 08:53
(Agree/Disagree?)
Somebody, if you really want to understand your friend, don’t you think you should ask her? …or have you tried? See, I’m curious to know how this knowledge (her once being in a cult) has affected you and your perception of her?
...Your curiosity, the fact that you’re here…could be helpful…just remember that if you look at her as a “case study” or a problem that needs to be fixed then that’s what she will probably be to you. Her experiences… and her interpretation of those experiences though probably similar to others here are ultimately her own-- She must know at some level what her relationship/sex/commitment issues are—talking about it will help. She probably wants to connect with, understand and be understood by you as much as you do her—if that what you want.
I think both you and rain raised important questions… its hard for both x culties and non x culties to be completely objective or accurately judge how this information or experience has affected their relationships/sex/commitment etc. Well…I have tons more to say/ask/explain/understand/etc……..to be continued….
(reply to this comment)
| from Nique
Monday, January 22, 2007 - 09:54
(Agree/Disagree?)
That's a pretty good question...How I deal with dating now is I pretty much don't for now because I have major trust issues and no longer believe much of anything anyone says to me. I may smile on the outside but I now view most people as predatory and out to take advantage of me and take me for granted somehow. When anyone says they love me and want to be with me I only half believe them. I won't deal with drama or any craziness in my life so I stay home and watch Netflix and hang out with my little man who absolutely adores me. If anyone seeing this thinks this makes me a man-hater, nothing could be further from the truth. I love men and still have dreams of romance and being swept off my feet and all of that, but I've become much more jaded and cynical in my view of people and cautious about my interactions with people in general. Everyone always told me I was too open, too trusting, too generous, too naive, but I can finally now say that I've learned my lesson the hard way and having my little man to protect and provide for woke me up for good.
I would have to say my upbringing and experiences in TF, as well as my marriage and dating experiences since, have definitely had an effect on the way I react to love, dating, sex, all of it...For starters, aside from all the twisted perversions I saw growing up (the naked little girls dancing on videos, seeing and hearing my parents participating in a whole lot of swapping around, adults in the homes sitting us all down and having us watch them have sex so we can learned how, etc), I was also molested by my own father and later by at least one of his friends, which really screwed me up mentally and emotionally for a great while. Then at 16, I lost my virginity to someone I had considered to be a really good friend at the time but who treated me with complete insensitivity afterwards, saying, "there's one less thing you haven't done yet" when it was all over, and who all of a sudden seemed to stop being my friend once I gave it up. My first experience with sex also affected me in more ways than just emotionally as he left me with an STD, which thankfully I was able to take care of but it had a profound effect on me.
When I left TF, I went from being in a cult, to coming to the US, to joining the military, to being married, all within 2 years. My early sexual experiences after leaving the cult were predominantly booty calls in most ways, although that's not what they were called back then, and I usually didn't get anything out of it. Then I got married way too early and way too young, before I had had any chance to figure out what my tastes were and what I really wanted. I married a man who was just supposed to be a fling; he wasn't supposed to leave his situation at the time to be with me. Even though I knew I wasn't doing the right thing, I didn't know how to back out. I can say for sure now that I was never in love. I don't think I ever really have been in love. We married in jeans and sweatshirts at a JOP for $40 with no witnesses on the day of the Oklahoma City bombing (talk about shattering all your dreams). He definitely didn't do anything to improve the way I thought about love and romance. He was very jealous, possessive, judgmental, critical and controlling, and his behavior outside the bedroom made me dread having anything to do with him in the bedroom. Whenever he reached for me it was to grope me, not to be tender, considerate or affectionate. Eventually I wised up and left him. I knew there had to be more and I decided I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than continue to live in a marriage that had chipped away at my soul and killed my spirit.
My experiences with love, romance, and dating afterwards haven't been a whole lot better. Most of the dating since has been very casual. After my divorce over 2 years ago, I wasn't real interested in anything more serious and pretty much stuck to no-strings-attached booty calls for a while. After the experience of my marriage though, where for most of it I'd been living an emotionally dead existence, I was no longer willing to be emotionally closed off and even though I was primarily doing the casual thing, I was open to anything and everything, even the possibility of developing feelings. By the time I met my son's father I was ready to settle down and for something a little more serious and when he said he wanted to be with me and have a baby with me, I thought he meant it. Turned out I was the one he wanted to have a baby with but monogamy was never on his agenda. The whole time he was with me, he was seeing someone who was supposed to be an "ex", who apprently catered to him a lot better than I did. He later asked me why he had to choose. I couldn't believe that after knowing about my upbringing, that included having 2 moms for a while, that he could ask why he couldn't keep the both of us. I ended the relationship shortly after I discovered I was pregnant and have told the girlfriend she doesn't need to worry about me because he's "all hers". I have no interest in revisiting anything with him. I think that because I have a son with him, the relatively short relationship with my son's father wreaked more havoc on me emotionally than my nearly 10-year marriage. My relationship with him and a few other experiences in early '06 was the final straw for me though. I finally started going to therapy so I could heal and be the best mom possible. We talk about dating again in therapy, since I pretty much tell her everything, and for some reason many of my friends (including my son's grandma and auntie) think I should be dating again but I'm really not in any rush.
After everything I went through though with TF, my ex-husband, and my son's father, I have to be honest and say when someone says they want to take me to dinner, date me, "take care of me", or even just be there for me, my first reaction is "Why? What's the catch?". If someone starts acting like they want to put me on lock-down I tend to back away. I'm sure I'll get to place where I'll be more comfortable dating and getting closer to someone but for now I try to keep my interactions confined to online communications for the most part and not make any commitments, verbal or otherwise. I'm not ready yet to give anyone a clean slate and forget some of the things that I allowed others to do to me in the past and until I can go into something new without always wondering if that person is going to try and drain me mentally, emotionally, and financially, it's probably better I keep things the way they are.
(reply to this comment)
| | | | | | | from somebody
Monday, January 15, 2007 - 01:39
(Agree/Disagree?)
aaron and been through it i think you 2 summed up the kinda response i was looking for, about being closed off and all. the girl i was seeing who was in a cult was fairly closed off, would get randomly quiet or ackward. though she said that she has opened up to me more than anyone else, even though she had been with people longer than me, probably cause i took a curious interest in it, and from being here and also not being judgemental and stuff
(reply to this comment)
| from Aaron
Sunday, January 14, 2007 - 09:08
(Agree/Disagree?)
1 month ago I met a pretty hot spanish girl outside a club. Got her number and had dinner which i paid for of course & right after that she took me to a bar and spent as much on wine as i had on the food. So after we found a corner to have some serious public displays of affection. So far so good right?
after about 2 more of these kind of gettogethers I was pushing for home base and she gives me the line " I won't sleep with an Enigma". " Your very mysterious" , " You suffer from depression alot don't you".
Out of frustration I droped the bomb on her explaining that the way I was "socialized" in the a crazy cult has formed this personality.
She called a few days later and said it freeked her out and was too much to deal with considering the she also came from an abused childhood. Bothe of us asked ourselves why it just so happened that we met?! like attracts like and all that!
(reply to this comment)
| | | | From con-artist
Tuesday, January 16, 2007, 15:45
 (Agree/Disagree?)
Yeah, I picked up a 40 year old at a bar (I'm 23) and after fingering her on the dance floor she told me that I was too good/young for her and she didn't want to complicate my life so wouldn't go home with me or take me home with her. I just was so confused that I had to wonder where in the Grand Design I was supposed to meet her and why didn't I get to get in her pants? Like attracts unlike and all that!
You're a fucking idiot, Aaron and your comment had absolutely no bearing on the original article's question. Either this girl had no intention of fucking you, ever, or, you have absolutely no game and can't seal the deal with a chick who was clearly into you enough to go out with you and make out with you. Or, you're a fucking loser and the one time you lucked out and picked up a chick who was remotely interested in you, you got all emotional and attached to her and freaked her the fuck out to the point that she had to get away from her. I mean come on! What exactly was the point of your post?? You want all the members of this site to start re-hashing about the beautiful woman/handsome man who they liked and went out with once or twice and then never heard from them again? Wake up and find your dick, lover boy. It's called dating, or failed dating anyways.
Also, probably a mistake to tell her you were raised in a cult unless you were serious about her, and if you were serious about her after a month, something's wrong with you chemically, especially if you had only gotten to second or third base with her! Of course, if you're not getting any, the fact taht you got so close could get you very frustrated and in an act of desperation you pulled the sympathy card: 'I was raised in a cult and abused...poor me. Please fuck me to make me feel better' and as luck would have it, you picked the wrong girl to pull that on because she'd been abused too and so lacked in the sympathy department for you.
Whatever, I've ranted enough. You need to learn how to relate to society though before you try and hit a home run next time. Get a fucking clue, bro.(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | From con-artist
Friday, January 19, 2007, 09:30
 (Agree/Disagree?)
That was my aim entirely, nitwit! Aaron's remarks had no relevance to the topic on this thread. He was crying about a failed attempt to begin a relationship, get laid, have sex, etc. which is a completely impractical, pointless, weak, useless directive which anyone on this site would be remiss not to notice. What do I care that some girl found him too 'mysterious' to date? I don't! And, I don't want to hear about it. My post was a satirical response trying to show my aggrevation with idiocy in the form of sappy cry-me-a-river sob-stories. His story had nothing to do with "just wanting an opinion on if someone is dating you, how do you react to love, and sex, and commitment, based on being in the cult?" either. A random encounter with a girl that almost leads to sex but ends in blue ball syndrome and frustrated masturbation is something that has no bearing on the original query as that situation happens everywhere in the world to every walk of life as it's just something that happens in the 'mating game'.(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | From JohnnieWalker
Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 07:49
(Agree/Disagree?)
"also i notice on this site a bit that people do argue alot, wonder why"
One theory is that, because we were sheltered from conflict in our younger years (most secular children being exposed to it in their early school years), some of us have not yet had enough practice in learning to deal with an opposing opinion or perspective.
In my opinion, the fact that most of us have a common background makes this site the ideal place to practice dealing with that.(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | From Snufkin
Thursday, April 05, 2007, 01:09
(Agree/Disagree?)
Actually i dont think we have been sheltered from conflict at all... many of my childhood memories involve being on one side or the other of dramatic arguments, constant shouting, hitting and verbal abuse... between my parents, between other adults and between my teachers.
I think its because growing up we were never permitted differing opinions but had to agree with whatever was said to us, even if it was by two different people claiming two different opinions, we had to agree with both and do whatever we were told even if they contradicted, or else you were made to be sorry (memories of being sent to do an errand, getting buttonholed by another adult and sent to do something else and then getting caught doing the second errand by the first adult and punished for getting sidetracked and then by the second adult for getting punished instead of doing the second errand -- *sigh* almost amusing in hindsight)
Anyways, my point is that now that we are free to make our opinions known, nothing seems to hold us back.
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| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | From Oddman
Tuesday, January 16, 2007, 16:28
(Agree/Disagree?)
Ouch. The sting some posts have. Why does everyone like to pitch dead center? Wish we had more posts where mean truths are said with a bit of art.
The "I was raised in a cult" card is two of clubs when you want to hit the money. (On the other hand, the "I'm a cult baby" card can turn out Ace of spades when you want to kill a lousy groupie). Of course, in a long term relationship, it's a card you have to play at some point, just to get it out of your deck. Funny thing, I always get the "why are you so mysterious" card played at me. I normally get away with explaining the astrological elements affecting the enigmatic scorpio, and steer the game to my favor. I've don't have to explain myself, unless I want to. If you are charming and funny -take notes involuntary celibates, keyword is "FUNNY". Charm without funny is cheesy- mystery is a definite plus. The less they know about you, the more they have to try. The less they know about you, the less material to get you vetted from their potential breeding partner list. Get them to "want to know" but don't tell. It's the same reason you don't stay on the phone for anything over 3 minutes. If they want to talk, they have to meet you.
Depending on who you are playing, the "I'm a cult baby" card can work in your favor as well. Explaining I was raised in a sex cult, and knew all about sex and female anatomy at 4 has gotten me laid on more than one occasion. "Yep baby, 24 years old and 20 years of experience". It's all about how you play it. You need a two of clubs to complete a lower clubs straight flush. Just make sure your other cards augment it. If your target is fascinated by similar topics, it can work. Feel it out from earlier conversations. It's important that you are comfortable talking about it. My bet is that the lady Aaron mentioned was more put off by the intensity of his disclosure. If you bring it out like it's your worst secret, and you're ashamed of it, then anyone will get a bad impression. We have no need to be ashamed of it. We were born there. As soon as we were capable of making our own decisions we left. What in lucifer's name is there to be ashamed of? Find your own peace with the issue. And be prepared for rejection. It might happen, it might not. Don't expect it, but don't fear it. You could be rejected for some other reason anyway. Being from a strange cult doesn't change your odds that much. Women will fuck a guy they know had three ex wives of which he's murdered two, if he's charming and funny enough. The quickest, surest way to win the money is to KEEP HER LAUGHING.
If that topic is very painful to discuss, then remember that you can avoid mentioning it. Just don't act depressed, and nobody will ask fuck. You can be as depressed as you want, without showing it. (reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | from nnnnnn
Friday, January 12, 2007 - 15:29
(Agree/Disagree?)
Actually I've always wondered if my fear of intimacy had to do with my upbringing. Probably huh?
(reply to this comment)
| from rainy
Friday, January 12, 2007 - 02:53
(Agree/Disagree?)
I was just wondering, how do all systemites react to love and sex? I mean, based on your experiences as a normal human being, what's it like? I really can't imagine. Do you all fall in love, marry, have a whirlwind honeymoon, then 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence?
(reply to this comment)
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | From somebody
Friday, January 12, 2007, 07:12
(Agree/Disagree?)
yeah ive been on this site a couple months, mostly just watching, admittedly, Ive never been in a cult, but a friend of mine has so this is my way of understanding what my friend went through and i thought id post that article, then i kinda wondered why i did lol
actully cant pop into the chatroom cause i pop in on breaks in work which is usually very short :((reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | | | | From loch
Wednesday, April 04, 2007, 06:32
(Agree/Disagree?)
Yeah, dating one of us can be hard.
I do shy away from relationships with a vengence, but when one happens, the fact that I have issues always comes up at some point.
No matter how much the guy thinks he can handle it, no matter how much I tell myself that I have no "real" issues, no matter how much he wants to "save" me.....the issues ALWAYS become fucking issues in the relationship.(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | From Been through it.
Friday, January 12, 2007, 12:06
(Agree/Disagree?)
Somebody, it always amazes me how honest non-culties ask an honest question from ex-culties and then get flooded with deragatory or answers that they were not expecting at all....Just shows you how different our way of life was from normal people in society.
However, on your question when I left I had absolutely no intention of being involved in a relationship I figured I was too busy and had nothing to give to another person....Then after a few years I got really lonely, it's hard when you grow up around people all the time and then have to live on your own and communicate with people who have absolutely no idea of what you've been through, sometimes I felt I was born on another planet, or suddenly became an adult in one day...I was that clueless when I left. I had much heartbreak in trying to connect with people.
Then I opened my heart way too much to 2 people (at different times over the next 3 years). I invited them to stay with me and only found out later that they used me to gain credit, use my credit etc....Total identity fraud and all sorts of wierd things that took me month's to resolve. I was so naive and just plain stupid.
Now I have someone who I've been with for 3 years and he (yes I am gay) still wonders why I keep certain things locked closed etc...It has taken me a very long time to open up to this person since I was so hurt as a result of my naivity. But I have learned there are good people out there nonetheless.
Well all that to say, in a way the cult did affect me and my relationships. On the one hand I was way too trusting, I think it may be different on girls who were molested by men, but I can't think of one instance of molestation that happened to me, so I can't speak for them....Generally I trusted too much, then got hurt, then have a hard time opening up to anybody..even the one I love. Eventually we will have a total connection of mind and soul, untill then I enjoy every minute we have together....
OK blabbed enough.(reply to this comment) |
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