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from cyborcosmic Friday, August 15, 2003 - 07:22 (Agree/Disagree?) I thought about explaining this.. Lately I’ve also been reading through a lot of things on this site and its very familiar to how I feel. What I wrote too might be very familiar to you, I went through a lot of new experiences in a short time period. I think I have got over a lot of complexes or what you call being ‘emotionally challenged’ (or afraid of taking emotional risks!) I think for a long time I was very monotone and nothing was worth doing and I also didn’t know what to do with myself. I experienced all lows with suicidal tendencies and hate, anger, frustration about my situation, boredom, depression, and low self-worth. I had to bring all these things to an end and find a new beginning in my life with a purpose, reason and new meaning. From when I first felt an open heart and a focused, open mind(admitting that you know nothing, or little is really what having an open mind is about, close-minded people always think that they are right!) I started being around people a lot more, this started in January this year, that was when I noticed a change. All boredom ended because it was a new positive feeling and I also experienced such an extreme high and was full of love for myself and others for the first time in my life. This is the growth process I think, noticing the effects of change. I was full of inspiration and excitement which really attracts other people and has a positive effect on relationships with people. I had not seen many of my old friend since my sister's death, and seeing them again was like meeting them, knowing them for the first time, getting to know people has also been a lot easier because I was so open, no longer being avoidant so I could really connect and enjoy life. It was at this time that I went out almost every night dancing and talking to people at ‘le petit’ which is where I met my boyfriend Martijn. I saw him there and fell in love too, even though I had told myself that I need to work on myself and avoid relationships with guys, but it was unplanned and not within my control. This is were I openly pretended and communicated all these judgements and cult conditionin. I felt really nervous around him at first and I was so afraid that he wouldn’t like me and I couldn’t look at him when he put his gaze on me because his gaze went right through me, his touch made me feel so much ecstasy and love. Still being very insecure inside though I pretended a lot instead of just being myself. I also thought that all this nwe found peace came from outside, I didn’t realize that all this peace was inside of me. I didn’t feel worthy of Martijn’s love and honestly speaking, I always felt like I had to please others and gain their approval before they could love me (like many other insecure people who are extremely tolerant or easygoing) In short: I had never felt unconditional love before from anyone. We were always trying to live up to some crazy spiritual standard, and always trying to be loving not allowing love to take over you. Now I sometimes feel like I don’t want to be in this world anymore, I would rather live in some fantasy created about what my idea of life is.) And now I just don’t find that many things important (like material things, work and so on) and so many things- like boredom, are a waste of energy and time. I don’t want all these distractions around me. When I was younger when my fantasy fell into pieces I felt such dissapointment that I always felt like running away so I could be free to go my own way somewhere else.. If I ran away and tryed to avoid the reality of things now, it would mean leaving my boyfriend and I know I couldn’t bring myself to hurt another person. Right now I feel like I am caught in his gaze, with no where to hide, and I'm screaming.. just screaming to be free and be alive without having to deal, without people knowing what I'm going through, without feeling like I have to pretend to be: so called happy and content all the time. Maybe this is because I still try so hard to be accepted and I don’t believe that I could be accepted for who I really am, only to become criticised and belittled. My oldest sister Jasmine(who was in the group until the age of 14) wrote down this question: “It is right for me to sit and wait for this sorrow to pass and to live my life as sober as I can, and stay around people that know me and know where I am in all of this, OR to try and run away to another place with different people and look for new sensations? Which is really a bigger challenge of strength? I ask the same question when I feel like running away.. I think you’re right that we do have a lot of experience moving from one place to the next, never really getting attached to one place or person because then we would have to leave again. So on one hand its easy to leave for us, too easy. But then do we have any stability in relationships with people?? Or are we not allowing ourselves to be that close out of fear that we will be hurt again, or seen for what we are: vulnerable and still recovering! If the fear of being close is there are we just welcoming the next escape, for instance a quick love affair or some other temporary solution? I have done this numerous times: gone for the unavailable or unrealistic just to avoid making any commitments. At the same time I was living far from reality - until the illusion falls apart and I must begin all over again. A new beginning is great, and don’t ever go back to how things were, I don’t think that’s possible anyways because all life is an onward movement and an evolving of the spirit. But the dream is usually preferred, why else would so many people stay sheltered in the group? (reply to this comment)