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Getting On : Family

from faeriraven - Wednesday, September 18, 2002
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from boundaries
Saturday, March 29, 2003 - 21:38

(Agree/Disagree?)
I've been divorced almost 5 years. I have been so focused on my kids, work, school, church volunteer projects, and self time that I haven't dated someone seriously. I have accepted dates but it has been among group friends or meeting someone for dinner and a movie. This has been scheduled during the times my ex-spouse has weekend children visitations. I would consider my children meeting my significant other when I am sure that is the person I have chosen to be a lifetime partner. This way the children are not emotionally attached  by someone that will no longer be around.  Children have enough healing to do with the divorce of their parents.
(reply to this comment)
from Aita
Thursday, September 19, 2002 - 12:27

(Agree/Disagree?)
There are a lot of different angles to this but I'll just touch on one in particular.
As a 22-year-old single mom Iíve had to learn a lot about how to handle this sort of situation. One thing I find particularly important is that I donít let my son form a relationship with anyone Iím dating. Let me explain:

A lot of times you go out with someone a few months maybe more & then things donít work out & you end up breaking up. Well, if this sort of thing hurts you, who understands the reasons & whyís of the break up, imagine how it must hurt him/her if he/she grew attached to this person. And what if this happens a few times? How would it affect him/her?
Itís not like I keep him away from whom Iím dating but I just donít let them form a relationship or bond. I donít know if you get my meaning.Of course, I canít prevent this from ever happening but at least I can try to give my child some stability without having people come in & out of his live all the time. So until Iím certain that the relationship Iím having is serious & for real I keep my child separate from my dating life.

Anyway, just a small commentÖ

(reply to this comment)
From faeriraven
Thursday, September 19, 2002, 12:37

(Agree/Disagree?)
Good point Aita...

How old is your kid? I'm 22 also.(reply to this comment
From Aita
Monday, September 23, 2002, 13:11

(
Agree/Disagree?)
He's almost 3 1/2.(reply to this comment
from Aita
Thursday, September 19, 2002 - 12:25

(Agree/Disagree?)
There's a lot of different angles to this but I'll just touch on one in particular.
As a 22-year-old single mom Iíve had to learn a lot about how to handle this sort of situation. One thing I find particularly important is that I donít let my son form a relationship with anyone Iím dating. Let me explain:

A lot of times you go out with someone a few months maybe more & then things donít work out & you end up breaking up. Well, if this sort of thing hurts you, who understands the reasons & whyís of the break up, imagine how it must hurt him/her if he/she grew attached to this person. And what if this happens a few times? How would it affect him/her?
Itís not like I keep him away from whom Iím dating but I just donít let them form a relationship or bond. I donít know if you get my meaning.Of course, I canít prevent this from ever happening but at least I can try to give my child some stability without having people come in & out of his live all the time. So until Iím certain that the relationship Iím having is serious & for real I keep my child separate from my dating life.

Anyway, just a small commentÖ

(reply to this comment)
from porceleindoll
Wednesday, September 18, 2002 - 22:02

(Agree/Disagree?)
That's no easy question. Kids are so complex sometimes.

I'm married so I don't date, but I have tried to just answer my kids' questions as they come, about religion, about life, about the 'birds and the bees', but I don't try to 'pre-educate' them, unless it's important (strangers, etc...)

If they are exposed to something I don't ever freak out or hush hush it, I try to have a very open relationship with them about it, talk about things, answer their questions honestly, and not give them the impression that anything is bad or to be hidden.

I am dealing with minor 'sex' issues. Not as in sex itself, but the preliminaries of it, with my kids discovering their bodies, realising the differences, the tender feelings they have for the opposite sex, and have begun to talk to them about the difference of public and private arenas, what you do in private and what is not acceptable in public but not necessarily wrong.

My personal opinion would be to go with your son's curiosity, if he has a question or wants to know about your b.friend, then be open with him on a level he can comprehend, if you're serious about the guy, introduce him and your kid and see how your son reacts and take his reaction as an indication for the future. I think if it were me though I'd keep intimacy out of the picture in front of my kids until they have become more accustomed to the person. And if they were to take a strong dislike to the guy, I would probably not pursue the relationship.

But this is all theoretical since I'm not in the same situation. In general though I think kids don't need to be sheltered from life, neither do they need to be forced into situations or experiences. When they face it, then that's the time to talk about it, or when they are interested, then discuss it. We have done this with religions, ghosts, and soon we will be doing this with my husband's first marriage and their kids, and my father's recent separation. I know the kids are going to start to wonder, and since we have an open relationship already, I believe they feel free to ask me about things they don't understand.
(reply to this comment)
From faeriraven
Thursday, September 19, 2002, 10:22

(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you for your comments! My son and I have a pretty open relationship, and although he is only 5, he's very smart and does ask a lot of questions... even at 4 he was asking where babies came from when they were born, and no, he wasn't happy with the standard 'out of mommy's tummy' answer...he wanted to see it in a book, where exactly etc...So yeah he's pretty questionable but I've always been very honest with him and know how to read his mind as it were, and that's a good thing as we're very close.
I think being single, I've learned to communicate with him a lot more and he feels more involved with the everyday aspect of our lives... like when we moved I let him come with me to look at the apartment and give me his opinion, or we talk @ different things about life and he gives me his outlook, it's quite funny knowing he's so young, but you can actually learn a lot from them, they have a different perspective and sometimes it's great to see things the way they do!
He's a pretty reasonable kid, he doesn't believe in Santa, although I've never pushed it either way... nor the Easter Bunny etc. But still uses them to entertain himself, ha - and I use them in return as a bribe...
As for intimacy, I'd keep that away from the child at first, although I think holding hands or a little kiss is fine, once the child knows you’re dating and it doesn't go past that minimal exposure once you're in public etc. And yes, the point you brought up about the child disliking the person you’re dating… that’s an important thing esp. when the child is younger, and as they get older it’s going to be harder and harder to find someone who the child doesn’t resent. For the most part my son has been friendly and open to everyone around, just as long as the attention is on him some of the time when we’re all together. I just have to be careful to make sure to pay attention to him more then I do anyone else I’m with at the time so he’s not left out because that’s where resentment and jealousy gets in the way and the child begins to get bitter against anyone else in their lives taking up their time with mommy.

(sorry if that was long winded…)
(reply to this comment
From From: Fox
Tuesday, January 21, 2003, 05:47

(
Agree/Disagree?)
I came across your question and every thing sounds good ! Being honest with your son is the best thing to do.His father (for what ever reason) can't be. at least that is what your son might wish to say if he could find the words to say it.You are his last hope for honesty!I also had a single Mother when I was a boy like yours (I also had a little brother who looked at me to find the answers)so I speak from experience.My mother could never hide any thing,I was such a sneak. I would climb in her closet or under her bed to see and haer every thing I could(I still have nightmare-- Ha) I have to tell you I hated any man who might take my fathers place next to my mom.This was quiet unfair to the would be paraph or persuader of my Mother's hand.They could have been the best thing that ever happend to my mom and deep inside I might have even liked one or two of them, some times I would feel a little bad after screaming in their face "I hate you, you'll never be my Dad.But I was an extreme case!!! I loved my Dad with all my heart and dreamed we would someday be bake to gether again as a family, as a child with my very own mother and father side buy side(This would never happen)Now I am a man and that was a child hood fantasy.My poor mom is once again single and I would give anything to find her a good man to live out their days together I feel bad for being such a brat.I am very close to my father these days and have made him answer all my questions honestly.I still think my Father was the best thing that ever hapend to her.I don't Know what kind of man your X Is and it probable isn't any of my - you know what.Not all men are as wonderfull a people as my father is and not all men live up to my standerd.There are men I would just as soon kill if I could- but that is just me. I don't know if anything I said helps you maybe? I hope you can meet a man worthy of wining you son's heart and your hand in a real wedding ,Right? just a thought.
Fox. (reply to this comment
From From: Fox
Tuesday, January 21, 2003, 05:47

(
Agree/Disagree?)
I came across your question and every thing sounds good ! Being honest with your son is the best thing to do.His father (for what ever reason) can't be. at least that is what your son might wish to say if he could find the words to say it.You are his last hope for honesty!I also had a single Mother when I was a boy like yours (I also had a little brother who looked at me to find the answers)so I speak from experience.My mother could never hide any thing,I was such a sneak. I would climb in her closet or under her bed to see and haer every thing I could(I still have nightmare-- Ha) I have to tell you I hated any man who might take my fathers place next to my mom.This was quiet unfair to the would be paraph or persuader of my Mother's hand.They could have been the best thing that ever happend to my mom and deep inside I might have even liked one or two of them, some times I would feel a little bad after screaming in their face "I hate you, you'll never be my Dad.But I was an extreme case!!! I loved my Dad with all my heart and dreamed we would someday be bake to gether again as a family, as a child with my very own mother and father side buy side(This would never happen)Now I am a man and that was a child hood fantasy.My poor mom is once again single and I would give anything to find her a good man to live out their days together I feel bad for being such a brat.I am very close to my father these days and have made him answer all my questions honestly.I still think my Father was the best thing that ever hapend to her.I don't Know what kind of man your X Is and it probable isn't any of my - you know what.Not all men are as wonderfull a people as my father is and not all men live up to my standerd.There are men I would just as soon kill if I could- but that is just me. I don't know if anything I said helps you maybe? I hope you can meet a man worthy of wining you son's heart and your hand in a real wedding ,Right? just a thought.
Fox. (reply to this comment

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