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my wife is an ex member

from distressed - Friday, November 23, 2007
accessed 803 times

looking for advice on what to do about the trauma of of family members being involved with the family


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from maggie
Tuesday, January 01, 2008 - 15:28


If you have to beg borrow or steal get your wife to a clinic that specilizes in this sort of thing. Well Springs in Ohio is an example of one, and also you can find out from the medical society which Dr's also specilize is cult cases.

I will pray for you

(reply to this comment)

from husband is an exmember
Sunday, December 02, 2007 - 14:48

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I too am married to an ex-member. It is not not difficult to recognize post traumatic stress disorder symptoms when they re-emerge if you educate yourself. Just about anything can be a "trigger". Severe childhood trauma can have a life long effect.

My husband did not realize how abnormal his experiences were until he discussed them with people outside of the cult. My husband has never acted as unstable as your wife is acting at the moment. Interaction with other ex-members may be good therapy.

If you can convince her to seek professional help, find a professional who will believe her. Sadly some "system" people do not believe my husband's abuse was as bad as it was. They think he embellishes for shock effect.

The reality is the abuses were worse, and he is still feeling the effect of some of those experiences 21 years after leaving the family.

The following link has a great list of resources:

Good luck!
(reply to this comment)

from Poker Star
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 - 01:16

Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Watching daytime tv and seeing people more screwed up than yourself is always a bonus. The 2 most important things in my opinion are: realize that you're not special, lots of people have it bad all over and: get over the victim mentality

(reply to this comment)
From while_it_is true
Sunday, December 02, 2007, 15:31

that many more people have it worse...your labeling and rash generalization makes you no better. You Assume an awful much! (reply to this comment
From GetReal
Thursday, November 29, 2007, 15:45

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
“I can't figure out if others had a vastly different experience than mine or if we shared the same experience and simply reacted to it differently.” That’s how you describe yourself on your profile. Why can’t you figure it out? Please do make up your mind. I bet you're still serving jesus in the family. Snicker (reply to this comment
From Trying
Thursday, November 29, 2007, 13:34

Thank you for your suggestion. Please explain what "getting over the victim mentality" means in practical terms. What are you supposed to do that results in having gotten the victory over the "victim mentality"? Also, please explain to me what specifically the "victim mentality" means, because I am not sure how to fight it if I don't know what it is. (reply to this comment
From don't_worry_trying
Sunday, December 02, 2007, 15:36

Poker STAR just thinks he is “special”!(reply to this comment
from Ram Bull
Sunday, November 25, 2007 - 07:15

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

From my experience dating people who have never known life in TF

Some things not to say.
"Leave the past where it is"
"It could have been worse"
"Others have had worse"
"Quit blaming your parents".

Yeah, I know. You don't, won't, and can't. I bitch about my past because I can, and it's a process I need to go through in order to move on. I want you to shut up and listen. Eventually I'll pick myself up. When I do, don't pity me or handle me like the fragile tormented soul that I am. When I feel good, feel good with me. Understand that you won't ever understand everything. I don't need you to. I just need you to accept me as I am, punctured torn and broken at times, on top of the world at others. Do your homework. Don't ask me when I don't feel like telling. Listen when I do. Understand that at times I don't want even the person I love most to be there. While I climb into my dark place you sit at the entrance and wait. Don't follow me in unless I invite you. This doesn't mean I don't trust you. Understand that for reasons of my own, I hate my parents. I don't want to invite them for the holidays, and I don't want you to insinuate that we should. Understand that many things "normal" people know, -such as old TV-shows and celebrities, past fads and how to file tax forms- I might not. Accept that, and learn how to introduce these things to me, without making me feel like a fool. Learn to cover for me when we are seeing your friends and I make a fool of myself. But most of all, treat me normally. There are a lot of tortured people out here. I'm just one of them. A little more consideration than usual, and just as much respect. That makes all the difference in the world.
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From I would like to add one thing
Monday, November 26, 2007, 13:14

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(
Should I continue to have a relationship with my parents inspite of what they've done, just be supportive, and don't remind me of everything that happened everytime I invite them over.(reply to this comment
from afflick
Saturday, November 24, 2007 - 19:17

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Do you mean 'ex member' as in she joined The Family on her own? If that's the case, I have no advice except, good luck. Ew.

But if she's not an ex-member but a child born into this group, then I do have advice as I was also born into that mess and have a wonderfully supportive husband. Here is what he does:

Listens to me. If I want to cry about some injustice or something that makes me sad about my past, he is there to listen and hold me.

Do not define her by her past. While he acknowledges my past, my husband does not judge me by it but sees me as Just Me. And he loves and believes in me.

Lets me have my space. Especially when the media focus was on The Family following Ricky's murder/suicide, sometimes after watching the news programming, I would need to just walk and walk on my own with nothing but my iPod for hours. Sometimes at night. Or I would go on long drives. My husband understood this and let me go.

Is nice to my parents. I have five sisters and they are very important to me. In order to spend holidays and good times with them, I need to maintain a relationship with my parents. Although he knows all of their past nastiness, my husband is nice to my parents for my sake, which helps the family dynamic. Having a relationship with my parents in my choice, and a pragmatic one. He does not judge me for it.

(reply to this comment)

From distressed
Sunday, November 25, 2007, 01:04

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Thankyou, she was born into that place, in Japan, dealing with some of the most digusting experiences, but the strong beautiful sould that she is stops her from giving up, but seems like roller coaster ride for years now, up at the top shes everything i know she is, but when down feels to be victimized and shuts out her family. space is one thing, and loving her unconditionally shows her i respect that, but then says we dont care enough, and says the most hurtful things to apologise then start new cycle, my heart gets ripped out of my chest weekly, but i know who she is, just continuing to see past that truama......(reply to this comment
From rainy
Monday, November 26, 2007, 01:29

You are doing all there is. What you've said here is perfect. It's what we all need. I think this is really in her court, and perhaps you could convince her to seek counselling?(reply to this comment
From distressed
Thursday, November 29, 2007, 04:40

Thankyou, I love my family more than anything, but after so much time together, and such poor physical condition but absoloutly petrified of any kind of doctor, we finally found a GP/chiropractor that she can instill real trust who has helped so much with chiro, is the sweetest music that I had been waiting so long for, as I could never push, just let her know she has so many options, so now in the space of about a month she has gone from cringing at the word religion, to telling me her chiropractor speaks directly to god, and can answer her questions, and that he is helping her with everything but she has never actually spoken to him about it but its ok cause he knows everything because he is physic. but when shes in this kind of mood im against her, then she will see my concern as critical, then calm down and laugh at her hands as "angels" tickle them, then to pull our daughter out of her home because shes scared of someone in my family (my father) molesting our daughter, and the hole in her heart for her other beautiful daughter taken away and still involved in some ways with the worst possible people, and on top of that the circumstances and age at which she had two of the most beautiful daughters that makes up the three most important people in my life, that i love more than words can describe. which i am a father for one so far, that has loved me as a father for over four years, the most magical, beautiful, traumatic, emotional, heartbreaking, amazing, genuine, to suddenly seeing the light and healing people, and saying shes instantly fixed, but thinks im trying to control and manipulate her? and all the times she had been hysterical and hyperventilated and really broken down, not consciously trying to hurt herself, but causing so much damage i did hold her till she calmed down, and let her breathe into a bag, which she now tells me was violence against her? ill never turn my back on the people i love,and never forget the loving caring, special and unbelievably strong (reply to this comment
From distressed
Thursday, November 29, 2007, 04:56


person, who is my best friend that i love unconditionally.

so while she has pulled our daughter out of school, and staying with friends she barely knows, telling them im violent, but i really can thank god they are good people, and is ringing me asking if im trying to trick her by sending mails pretending to be her chiropractor? who she says is is spiritual mentor? but dosent actually know her history? ive always respected my wifes best wishes as well as i could, but its not her more and more, so i would have to say the examination order that was issued today was one hardest and scariest things ive ever had to do, although it dismally fails in comparison, but dosent stop me as far as im concerned because thats what love is. so i dont know how she ll take getting assesment and consultation, luckily with a great health system, simply send the best qualified professionals, to the comfort of the persons home, to at least assess her, if all this sudden stuff where gods providing evrything for her, so she dosnt need anything, made it so gut wrenching but so necissary, i just hope she can forgive me.

this is breaking my heart.(reply to this comment

From Concerned...
Thursday, November 29, 2007, 10:24

I'm not sure exactly how to put this... But after you add this more detailed description of your wife's behavior; Paranoia, believing her doctor is a psychic and knows everything about her even though she doesn't talk to him about things, taking your kids out of school and moving in with strangers due to a perceived threat (If indeed it is only perceived), withdrawal, extreme mood swings, violent outbursts, etc.. She has all the markings of Bipolar Disorder. Talking her into an evaluation is the best thing you can do for her.

I hope everything works out.

(reply to this comment
From distressed
Friday, November 30, 2007, 04:42


thankyou for an opinion concerned, ive been thinking about many different possibilities for so long but never dared to push anything, and i truly feel ashamed that over the past few months i have been raising my voice and going past the point of exhaustion, which the littlest hint of anger really does scare her, and I can understand that, and have in so many ways been happy in knowing and never holding anything against the love of my life, as it just so happened my best friend,and the person who lights up even the darkest days is rebuilding and starting many things in her life, and without a second thought adjusted to be in a position to show her my unconditional love, expecting nothing in return, which i can truly say as an honest loyal man, who is truly in love, so all these things never seem like too much, or too hard, as they shouldnt. and i still believe her in so many ways that she is the same, and by having this compulsary assesment issued i risk everything that i love and cherish the most, because i cant keep seeing although i know she dosnt mean it, but is just so scared and paranoid of having her daughter taken off her, which is what happened to her mother, which left her even more unprotected from those monsters, its like the closer i get with our daughter, and not through wanting control, deal with things going on in her life, and fill that void when my wife says she"feels like a fool" or "they know im stupid and didnt get real schooling" i just remind her about how special and intelligent she really is, and that she has accomplished so many great things, because it is an amazingly sensitive thing, and always remind her that it is her who helps me through so many everyday things, and thats not because we might not understand them, its because thats what comes naturally with love,but it has just come to point where i cannot see our daughter so hurt and used against me in the bad times, which strains their relationship,and leaves me to almost start again with our daughter, all because she builds up such a rage, and when i have to protect myself, and her, when she becomes hysterical, hyperventilates, and thrashes so hard she starts to hurt herself pyhsically, so i hug her so i cop the brunt of it,then she soon calms down, to then later when she feels threatened by the relationship between our daughter and I, that all that noise and screaming was dad hurting mom. this has broken my heart too many times, and our daughter too. i just hope one day if its not from me, that she finds someone who loves her unconditionally like i have, because i dont know how she is going to percieve me taking the advice of the professionals who are in position to help her in so many ways, and that i love them both so much to risk it all, as my priority is all of our well-being, because i want more than anything for her to see her life for exactly what it is, FREE, and hers to be in control of and make those decisions that come with being free to decide for herself, and for that, as heartbreaking as it is to say, would give up everything important to me for her to have the best posssible chance at having all that she deserves in life. even at the expense of evrything i think i deserve, because i cant bare to see her relive those events growing up in Japan anymore, So heres to you my dearest Jess, a toast you will probably never see.(reply to this comment

from lameness
Saturday, November 24, 2007 - 19:07

My stepmother is an alien!
(reply to this comment)

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