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from Weeder Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 18:32 (Agree/Disagree?) Legalize it! Dont deny it!.................Sorry! Not being much of a help. (reply to this comment)

from Oddman Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 02:04 (Agree/Disagree?) I don't think pot is the key issue here. I think the key issue is behaviour modification in relationships. Whether pot is harmful or not should not be a consideration. My general take on relationships is that neither has any duty or obligation to change for another. A relationship is rather like miniature politics. A bit of domestic business. You want, he wants. You have a right to tell him what you want changed. He has a right to deliberate and decide if he wants to accept your request or proposal. You don't have a right to change him, but you do have a right to walk out the door. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you give up your free choice, and it doesn't mean he gives up his free choice. While I'm a frequent pot smoker, and a very heavy tobacco smoker, I can understand that this can become a bit annoying for people around me. In the case of pot, depending on where you live, there could be certain legal ramifications that need to be considered as well. No doubt, pot is just a fact of life for this man, and he won't be happy to give it up. Your part is really, just telling him what you don't like and why. It's normally best to breach such topics with brutal honesty. I've had girlfriends that didn't like me smoking so much. I've had girlfriends that didn't appreciate my promiscuous partying. And they had a right to tell me so. They didn't have a right to say "Don't smoke" but they did have a right to say "I don't like the taste or smell of smoke". And I'd make my decisions. Do I want to modify my behaviour? When I did care about the person, normally I noticed certain habits were annoying them, and in such cases, I'd normally reduced certain behaviours with no concious effort on my part. Some things did take an effort, and normally I don't find a relationship worth making those changes over unless the change is personally beneficial to me as well. But if he doesn't know, if he doesn't pick up the hints, you have to tell him. It's unfair to be annoyed at him, without giving him a reason. My two cents worth. (reply to this comment)

From rainy Tuesday, April 24, 2007, 02:06 (Agree/Disagree?) I disagree. It's about the pot.(reply to this comment)

From Oddman Tuesday, April 24, 2007, 02:30 (Agree/Disagree?) Then we disagree, rainy. I think the negative and positive properties of pot should be a consideration in Jane's deliberation and decision to decide if she does not like pot being smoked around her. The same should be a consideration in Jack's deliberation and decision to decide if he wants to reduce his pot consumption. But I don't think any properties of pot are relevant to the question of "should Jane tell Jack to stop or reduce the consumption of pot". This is because I don't think it's Jane's decision to reduce Jack's pot intake. Jane can only decide what she wants, then take the course of action that balances the best (in terms of highest probability of success vs. lowest possible risk of adverse result).(reply to this comment)

From rainy Tuesday, April 24, 2007, 02:34 (Agree/Disagree?) So get yourself into the chatroom already!(reply to this comment)

from figaro Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 14:55 (Agree/Disagree?) personally, i find it disgusting and very bothersome when someone smokes pot (or anything else) that often. it makes EVERYTHING smell like it, it causes a nasty film to develop along surfaces where its smoked a lot, its just gross. (reply to this comment)

from Christy Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 13:01 (Agree/Disagree?) It might help to think of it this way, what if he were drinking alcohol constantly throughout the day? What if he were even drinking it while he was driving? Most people don't consider either weed or alcohol particularly harmful, if consumed moderately. However, your boyfriend's altered state of mind is putting not only his own, but also other people's lives at risk. I doubt you'll be able to convince him to change. Good luck trying, though! (reply to this comment)

From Nick Tuesday, April 24, 2007, 07:34 (Agree/Disagree?) I dunno about that. I know some people that smoke every day of their lives and need to smoke to be normal. They are very capable of living a very normal life and almost need the pot in order to function. For the reccord I do not smoke at all and have never liked it. I am more the stright up alchy type. However I think that pot should be legal. IMO its a harmless natural drug that is safer than alcohol. I mean how often do you see a pot crazed lunatic fighting at a bar (unless its for the last twinky)? Pot heads for the most part just do their thing, smoke a bowl and get chill. And then there is the argument that pot is a gateway drug. BS! Alcohol is the gateway drug. I can't count the number of people that I know that drink and after a while want that better high and go for coke. In answer to the main posters question: Well for a start I think the poster is exaggerating the amount her BF smokes. However I think she needs to look at how this affecting him. If he is able to go to work, maintain a job and maintain healthy relationships with people then let the poor dude have his vice. If the shit starts fucking up his life then thats a different story. Just the same as if he was an alchy or porn addict or whatever. (reply to this comment)

from placebo Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 07:26 (Agree/Disagree?) The Weed itself isn't really the problem, when he stops washing his hair, plays bongos for hours on end and says every 2 min " dude, how awesome were the Wailers?" Then you should be worried. (reply to this comment)

from Rain Child Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 02:57 (Agree/Disagree?) It's not a small thing; it's a major thing. He's making the decision for both of you to have something in your lives that has serious potential consequences, legally, physically, and socially. I think you're right to want that balance of it only being occasional and not a lifestyle factor, and it's important enough that you should definitely tell him how you feel about it. Don't be afraid to tell him straight. Sounds like he knows he has a problem and would appreciate some support in getting it under control. Pot can really make you rather lazy and useless. It's fun and relaxing I'm sure, and your approach to it sounds pretty healthy. He can probably see that as well. So just tell him how you feel about it, and see what he says. Long term, if he doesn't make a change, I think you should consider not committing for life. Nobody should commit to something that has that big an effect on their quality of life. (well that's my tuppence) (reply to this comment)

From vix Saturday, April 21, 2007, 03:10 (Agree/Disagree?) You posted this comment while I was writing mine, and I am glad you did because I think you talk a lot of sense. I absolutely agree with you that the OP should not be afraid to 'tell him straight'. (reply to this comment)

from madly Saturday, April 21, 2007 - 01:59 (Agree/Disagree?) Well, Gypsy… you wanted opinions… so here is mine… I am a little drunk, therefore a little blunt and will probably get shit for this, but here it is anyway… If you went into your current relationship knowing your boyfriend smoked pot, knowing it was a part of who he was and you accepted this in the beginning… then what gives you the right to try to change him now? Is that fair to him for you to decide what you feel is okay for him to do or what actions of his will be allowed? I am not saying that pot is a healthy habit or that it is something he should be doing every 5 seconds (although I am sure you are exaggerating a tad) and I am in no way supporting his addiction… not being a pot smoker myself. What I am saying is that he has the right to make his own choices and you have the right to choose to accept them or break up with him and find someone that fits into your plan of a better boyfriend. You have the right to it bothering you and maybe even the right to respectfully ask him to change, but it is his life and I am sure you wouldn’t like someone trying to change you if you were happy with yourself. I just think so often people go into a relationship knowing they don’t approve of certain aspects of their partner’s makeup, but they secretly or subconsciously even, have plans on changing them and making them the “perfect” person… because for love, people should be willing to change… I don’t agree with this concept. I feel you should go into a relationship knowing what you are getting into. You decide before you make him your boyfriend if you mesh well, if you approve of the way he lives his life. This is your right and your choice and if something about him bothers you and you don’t feel you can be with him over it, you don’t commit in the first place. You shouldn’t change for someone else, you should change for yourself, evolve and grow, but not because someone is telling you how you should be. If you force him to change for you, it will mean nothing to him, but that you don’t accept him or his way of life and he may even resent you for it. A choice or change only means something when you make it for yourself, believe in it and can therefore stand behind it. Love him, support him, and encourage the good you see in him, mention things that may bother you and let him live his life and grow on his own… acceptance is love to me and when you feel loved and accepted you usually develop into a better person all by yourself. (reply to this comment)

From vix Saturday, April 21, 2007, 03:04 (Agree/Disagree?) You did put it very well, madly, and for the most part I wholly agree. However, the stance of 'you knew what you were getting into when you started the relationship' is really only relevant if one assumes personality as constant and unchanging. While you touched on it above, I don't think you gave enough consideration to the issue of individual development within a relationship. The OP may have been completely okay with it when they first got together, she's obviously just not anymore. It would be interesting to know a bit more about the evolution of this relationship, such as, was he smoking just as much when she first got together with him, what does he do for a living as compared to what she does, have their personal circumstances changed a lot in the time since they have been linked, and how long have they been together. Having said that, and bearing in mind the excellent commentary on forcing change that madly has already given, this is my advice to the OP: Tell him that it bothers you, ask him to tone it down a bit when he's around you. If he values you more than he does the weed chances are he'll at least try to do so, since it hopefully won't bother him too much to modify his behaviour slightly. But chances are he won't want to, and if that's the case you may as well call it quits. I imagine that there are actually other issues that are bothering you (though I am being ever so slightly speculative so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong), and if that's the case I don't see any reason to delay the inevitable. (reply to this comment)

From Lithium Saturday, April 21, 2007, 02:38 (Agree/Disagree?) Madly put that so well, further pontification is pointless. Let me just say, however, that recent research has shown that while we used to believe weed was not harmful, it in fact can have damaging effects for long term, excessive smokers, such as brain damage and epilepsy.(reply to this comment)