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Abu Ghraibi fever

from AndyH - Wednesday, October 19, 2005
accessed 1522 times

Lynndie: Making imperialism fun

By John Dolan
America has decided who to blame for everything that went wrong in Iraq: a handful of ex-chicken-processors from West Virginia who just tried to have a little fun with the Iraqi detainees in their custody. Yup, the whole debacle is the fault of a few prison guards like Lynndie England, better known as "the girl with the leash."

Well, the eXile's not going to stand for it. We're here to say it loud and proud: playing with conquered peoples is the whole point of an having empire!

In other words... Lynndie and her comrades shown in those pictures from Al-Ghraib sitting atop a mound of naked prisoners or leading a hooded captive on a leash are the only ones doing it right!

Good for you, Lynndie England, you chinless, inbred, runty, androgynous backwoods mutt! When you mimed a crotch-shot at that hooded detainee, you reminded us all of what Imperial service should be like: one long S&M tour of the tropics, where every man, woman and child of the conquered peoples exists solely as an object for your pleasure.

The Greeks and Romans were honest about conquest. They divided the task into two parts: first you vanquish the enemy on the battlefield, and then you rape every single man, woman and child among the conquered. They were just as systematic about this phase of the operation as the campaign that preceded it. The troops may have been weary, but somehow they found the devotion to duty to impress their tribal superiority on their defeated enemies in the most direct, practical sense: by fucking them in the ass.

Among the nations conquered and buggered by Roman civilization was Britain. They, too, knew in their colons exactly what it was to be colonized. As the inhabitants were being rogered, they learned a valuable lesson, which they passed on to their distant descendents, the founders of the British Empire: being the soldier of a victorious empire means having a free pass to a giant rape-camp thousands of miles across, crammed with submissive, trembling victims of every age and shape. And every damn one of them is yours, to do with as you please.

When the British conquered the world in their turn, they took full advantage of their raping rights. After all, that was the point of the English elite curriculum, which consisted of nothing but translation of Greek and Roman accounts of conquest and pillage. Best of all, these accounts were in secret code--languages taught only at the elite schools which bred new generations of imperial rapists.

And there's the rub: by hiding their sodomitic delights behind a pose of grim duty, the Brits introduced hypocrisy to the business of conquest.

As Gibbon had warned, centuries of Christianity made conquerors shy about admitting the joy of rape. So, for the gullible masses, the Victorian Empire hired shills like Kipling to spread nonsense about "the white man's burden." Everyone who mattered knew the point of seizing the hot countries was to allow sexually-starved English youths, tired of being buggered by their tutors, the chance to flip roles from catcher to pitcher. But they peddled another version to the suckers back home -- the ones too timid to join the orgy in the Colonies: it was all about the Bible, and civilization, and high collars -- in other words, any nonsense at all -- rather than the simple joy of riding natives like horses, then buggering your two-legged steed when you return to the stable.

When Britain's Empire faded away, America stepped into its place like a shy Methodist deacon at the sack of Babylon. Instead of joining in, all we could think of doing was making sure that nobody in our empire was going to have any fun.

In the good old days, commanders permitted their troops three days of unlimited rape and pillage when they finally took a besieged city. But when we "liberated" someplace, the reward was supposed to be a few flowers flung by the locals, and a handshake or two if you were lucky. If there was going to be any closer contact, it had to end in marriage, with the imported bride quickly reduced to "partner" in the dull business of trudging the middle-class squirrel wheel until death.

It didn't help that our rivals in Empire were the Soviets, who were nearly as anti-fun as we were. The one great exception was the Soviet Army's march through Prussia in 1945. For once, the Russian troops were given raping rights. Less broad-minded than the Romans, they stuck to females. But that was the only restriction they obeyed. Every girl or woman West of the Polish border was destined to experience Soviet victory in very concrete terms.

But as the Cold War deepened, Russian and Americans gave up straightforward conquest and rape in favor of a ridiculous pose, showing up at each Third-World Capital like Jason on Prom Night, with a corsage in one hand and a butcher knife in the other, blubbering, "I'll do anything for you, and if you don't go out with me I'll kill you and your entire family!" Even the most contemptibly weak third-world country got the big courtship routine -- followed by high-altitude bombing raids if it failed to wear America's ring.

Why, by the way, was it always bombing we employed when jilted? Because bombing is not a contact sport. Instead of sending columns of infantry led by crazed, eager, sexually-starved young lieutenants as the British would have done, we sent B-52s crewed by well-adjusted family men who never got within miles of the conquered tribes. Any fun these men had was on the sly, under cover of drunkenness, and on a paying basis with cold-eyed Thai entrepreneuresses. The Cold Warrior was forbidden to enjoy his work at all.

Denied rape, we and our Russian competition compensated by massacre. Calley's men killed hundreds of civilians at My Lai -- but Thank God, they didn't touch any of the bodies in an improper manner. The poor brainwashed bullet hosers probably didn't even think about that, so strict was the prohibition on playing around with one's prisoners. And so the biggest case of sexual frustration in the history of any Empire relieved itself in mass murder and dull commercial transactions between prostitute and draftee, each doing their duty -- no more.

And that was with the Vietnamese, one of the most physically beautiful peoples on the planet. The pickings got much worse after that. The first Gulf War may have been the all-time low in sexual conquest. Not only were the women of the conquered people notoriously unattractive, but the war itself was designed to make absolutely sure no American soldier came anywhere near the vanquished. While hundreds of thousands of GIs sweated it out in desert camps, those reliable family men from the Air Force destroyed the Iraqi Army, one outpost at a time -- then went back to Germany to hug their loving families. Nobody was allowed to get within a mile of an Iraqi woman, even if they'd wanted to. When our troops finally advanced, they were locked into tanks and APCs. The conqueror's ancient perks were forgotten.

When we went back for Gulf War II, things seemed to be looking up at last. Instead of settling it out in the desert, we occupied every town in the country. But there the fun ended. The women weren't allowed out into the street, and American soldiers have never been encouraged to imitate the, er, equal-opportunity rape tastes of their British and Roman ancestors.

Then came Lynndie England, the girl who sacrificed so much to try to show America that Empires should be fun.

This was the first American war where the girls were allowed to play with the boys -- literally, in Lynndie's case! Assigned to "break the will" of Iraqi prisoners, Lynndie and her chunky co-star did what good Imperialists always do: they turned business into pleasure.

If only we Americans studied history more, we'd understand that Lynndie's improvised tableaux, like the "pyramid of naked Iraqis" or the equally classic "aiming gun/thumb at captured Iraqi's balls," come straight out of the Greco-Roman canon, or even further back--from the Assyrians, masters of this sort of fun. Every time the Ancients took a city, they hired sculptors to depict in loving detail the sexual humiliation of the defeated. The losers were inevitably depicted as naked, bound, often lying on the ground to await the attentions of their new masters--just the way Lynndie, that devolved little prodigy, posed them.

Yup, this little West Virginia girl who probably could not recite ten lines of the Iliad in succession, intuitively composed the greatest of modern war art: those fantastic photos from Al Ghraib prison. Someday she may be appreciated as the woman who showed America how the game of Empire should be played; someday she will be recognized as a great sculptor, working with the bodies of slaves -- the most ancient and esteemed of all media.

But in the meantime, she is hounded by hypocrites who expect America's youth to conquer foreign lands, risking their lives, for nothing more than Army pay. For these people, only money is allowed to inflict pain--never power itself. That is their real objection to Lynndie: she reached back to an older hierarchy, in which the warrior ranked above the moneychanger. Now those money men want her punished for showing us what fun conquest really could be.

No one even seems to give her credit for her greatest innovation: making the delights of Classical S&M accessible to women as well as men. Even the Romans would be amazed to see a mere slip of a girl like Lynndie holding the leash as a man of the conquered people writhes at her feet. Yet has one so-called "feminist" raised her voice in gratitude?

In time, Lynndie will be given her rightful place in history. But in the meantime she faces persecution by those who want to ensure that conquest is wholly without pleasure, even for the conquerors.

Reader's comments on this article

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from Fish
Monday, October 24, 2005 - 12:29

Ah, the exile is great. I really enjoyed reading it when in Moscow. One of the most cynical papers ever. I remember after the London bombings they had a picture of Brits celibrating wining the right to host Al Quadia 2005.
(reply to this comment)
From Baxter
Friday, October 28, 2005, 04:46


That was actually one of the more funny aspects of the 7th of July. We'd just got through the consumate outpouring of anti-French racism, only to revert to mortified indignation against the racism of marginalised fanatical Asian faction.

It was a great day to be British!(reply to this comment

from openmind
Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 19:30

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

WTF is the USA doing in Iraq anyway?

They have no right being there in the first place!
(reply to this comment)

From Fish
Saturday, October 29, 2005, 09:47


"A needful cause (oil) is a rightous cause"

-Livy(reply to this comment

From Baxter
Sunday, October 30, 2005, 00:20

You bash Tacitus, but quote Livy? Christopher, I'm ashamed of your choice of classic historians. Livy, the great charcter assassin. (reply to this comment
From Fist
Sunday, October 30, 2005, 02:20

Thats not me!!! You twat!!! Jeez I love Tacitus... (reply to this comment
From Baxter
Sunday, October 30, 2005, 06:27

Whoops!(reply to this comment
From Fist
Sunday, October 30, 2005, 10:47


(reply to this comment
Friday, October 21, 2005, 05:18

Did you see the news last night, with australian footage of American soilders buruning 2 Afganis and taunting the village ? Sick!! (reply to this comment
from Baxter
Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 12:47

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Is satire dead on this site, or what? Jeez, people, where's your sense of irony?

(reply to this comment)

From Sir Rantalot
Friday, October 21, 2005, 09:35

Because being a victim is a serious full-time job, no time or place for fun and games, I've been abused, goddammit!!


(reply to this comment
From Fist
Thursday, October 20, 2005, 20:51

Irony? There is no such thing. The word is an extinct noun which has become a verb in the USA... Thanks for destroying the English language..

(reply to this comment
From Baxter
Saturday, October 22, 2005, 00:00

Jeez, Christopher, tone down the racism!(reply to this comment
From LOL
Friday, October 21, 2005, 08:05

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
you mean like this?

A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
>In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
>thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
>your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
>Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
>commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
>Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
>without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
>disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
>whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
>Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
>be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
>skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the
>suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
>acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
>3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
>such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
>communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
>Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
>adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
>elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God
>Save The Queen.
>4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
>therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
>should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
>things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
>not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
>more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
>wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
>your own good When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
>8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
>start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
>will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
>conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
>understand the British sense of humour.
>9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
>chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
>animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
>as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
>referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
>Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
>good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
>play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
>dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
>one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
>proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
>time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
>football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
>or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
>14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
>host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
>outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
>world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
>monies due (backdated to 1776).
>17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,
>with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
(reply to this comment
From Ne Oublie
Friday, October 21, 2005, 12:12

I love #5! Too true!

But would someone please introduce me to the Englishman who still takes afternoon tea (apart from OAPs).(reply to this comment
From moon beam
Monday, October 24, 2005, 06:51

LOL Coffee please.
I love the British Double entandre. (reply to this comment
From John Cleese
Friday, October 21, 2005, 11:53

I am not the author of this piece. See the following link for proof: to this comment
From AndyH
Friday, October 21, 2005, 12:21


Amazing, I would think that If I had come up with something like that I would take the credit for it, and not give to some already famous actor.

How nice that John Cleese himself would take the time to come here and set us straight, is he ex-fam? (reply to this comment

From AndyH
Friday, October 21, 2005, 08:34

Great! Fucking Hilarious, where did you find that?(reply to this comment
Friday, October 21, 2005, 11:15

Oh, just from one of the email circulations you get in the rounds which is why I can't provide a link but it is quite funny.(reply to this comment
From Grammar Nazi
Friday, October 21, 2005, 07:56


There is no way the word 'irony' can be properly used as a verb. You cannot say, "I irony all the time", or "Do you ever irony?", or even, "May I irony your shirt for you?"

'Irony' is a noun and always will be. So there. :P(reply to this comment

From Fist
Friday, October 21, 2005, 19:48

That wasnt the point... 1st grade grammar lessons are through the corridor on your left... I think you're meant to be teaching... Please dont walk like John Wayne..(reply to this comment
From ErikMagnusLehnsher
Friday, October 21, 2005, 18:35

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Even I knew that! Irony aint somethin' you do! Irony is one of them thare peoples that comes from the country that Irak had that civil war with all those years. They're A-rabs...just like those unthankful Irakis. The Ironians are part the Axis of Evil, I would have you know.

(reply to this comment

From Fist
Thursday, October 20, 2005, 20:54

Innit?(reply to this comment
from Nick
Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 12:10

Right on dude! What pisses me off the most is that what England actually did was nothing worse that a light fraternity prank, yet she is getting treated like a criminal thanks to all the left wing liberal’s that wont shut the fuck up so we have to appease them.

I am sure that there were a few over the top solders there that may have taken things a little to far, but for Christ’s sake, its a war zone! Look at what they did to our troops when they caught them. They burned them and hung them from a bridge. And don't for a min tell me that it was a rare occurrence because we all know that IF they were able to catch more of our troops they would be doing a lot more damage then any of their prisoners get done to them...

(reply to this comment)

From AndyH
Friday, October 21, 2005, 08:41

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I really find it hard to compare what was done to those prisoners as "a light fraternity prank." She is getting treated like a criminal because she is a criminal, she broke the law. We don't use the enemys actions as a comparison or standard of how we should treat them. I know that political forces have hijacked this event for their own means, but If I was a P.O.W. and was forced to pose for gay-porn, I would want somebody to make a pretty fucking big deal about it. I understand your frustration but lets not lose our logic, its what makes us civilized.(reply to this comment

From AndyH
Monday, October 24, 2005, 17:01


Hey Nick, are a Rush Limbaugh fan? He said the same thing you did, I don't know whether you got it from him or its just a coincidence. I'm just curious.

Play the audio(reply to this comment

Friday, October 21, 2005, 05:21

Surely you know they have done a lot worse than dragging a man on a lead. Rape, eletrics, torture, killing etc..

Why do you have to be on the left to try and uphold UN laws and stand against torture? (reply to this comment
from Phoenixkidd
Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 09:11

Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 3 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Your article was truly disgusting. We all know the US has done many atrocities, and blaming Ms. England and her cohorts is punishing the grunts for the actions imposed by higher ups. The Romans & Greeks were great civilizations yet to look on them as an example of what to do with conquered peoples is negligent and absolutely
preposterous in our modern age. I hope you were writing this as a joke!
(reply to this comment)
From AndyH
Thursday, October 20, 2005, 11:58

If you would notice the first line of the article, you have seen the words "by John Dolan" clearly indicating the I did not write the article. Unless perhaps you think that is my name, it is not. My name is Andy. I'm also pretty sure that John Dolan wrote it is a joke, directed against the American military and their abuse of the Iraqi people.(reply to this comment
Thursday, October 20, 2005, 10:07

Not to mention that lynndie hardly represents the full extent of the atrocities that have been occuring in Iraq and it belittles the real pain and suffering that is real and still going on.(reply to this comment
from Baxter
Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 06:45

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Satire is such a wonderful medium of political and social criticism.

If one goes one step further and interprets this article as an analogy to economic molestation, then you have the entire Imperialist mechanism down to a T.

It's a disturbing perspective, but in my opinion it is completely true. I personally believe that rape in itself is almost completely synonymous with the martial mentality. Rape is the most crystaline manifestation of the human psychological interpretation of conquest. War, to me, is basically and integrally, a sexual compulsion, and to me it makes total sense that, as has historically been the case, rape would typically follow wars in which moral or social standards have been contravened or demolished by corporate command: what is good for the goose will be good for the gander. This is why the Imperial Japanese army went completely nuts in Manchuria, post 1937. It tends to occur in instances in which the tolerance of the men on the ground has been stretched to the limit, often compounded by a lack of objective direction for the generic grunt, or indeed in conjunction to overshadowing moral or social issues. It's interesting that the infamous mass rape perpetrated by the Soviet army in Silesia-Prussia in '45 followed an exhausting period of campaigning, but also happened at a time when the Soviet troops were first in contact with an enemy whose wealth and commodity (even in '45) made them question the lies they were told regarding the stalinist collective system in which they lived in civilian life. There was a lot of political dissent in the Soviet army at that time. To a certain degree, I think they took their anger out on the female population of east Germany.

I guess the point is that Abu Ghraib underlines the great corporate lie of the Gulf war: that it was a war of liberation and not conquest. Obviously, at least some of the soldiers didn't think so.

(reply to this comment)

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