from xolox - Thursday, June 30, 2005
accessed 1031 times
I trust you haven't tired of these reposts yet?
Thank you Mr. President
I've spent the last couple of days pondering your magnificent speech. Thank you, oh thank you for clearing things up for us. Being a bit of a political junkie myself, I understand your nuances. But I'm not sure everyone else does. So, just so everyone's on the same page, I've created a translation for the little people.
Translation of President Bush's remarks on 6/29/05
"Iraq is the latest battlefield in this war"
Translation: "It's only the 'latest' and not the 'last'. Get ready for embedded reporter digicam transmissions from North Korea, Iran and if we're lucky, Taiwan! If you've never travelled to southeast asia...it will be almost as good as being there"
"...hates freedom, rejects tolerance, and despises all dissent"
I'm sorry...I think I missed the first part of that. I think he was talking about Don Rumsfeld. Maybe John Ashcroft, but he's been replaced with that torture guy, right?
"We are removing a source of violence and instability, and laying the foundation of peace for our children and our grandchildren"
Translation: "I'm considering resigning"
"...continue helping Iraqis rebuild their nation's infrastructure and economy."
Translation: "Wolfowitz promised this war would pay for itself. I think we're about a gagillion dollars behind our goal now so we better get those oil wells pumping. Hey, maybe we can ask Wolfie for a loan now that he's at the World Bank.
"One year ago today, we restored sovereignty to the Iraqi people"
Translation: "One year ago today, we found out that 20 billion dollars buys you an old guy in a spider hole"
"We're working to improve basic services like sanitation, electricity, and water"
Translation: "Toilets, lights and water worked just fine before we showed up, but since we've destroyed them, it seems only right that our buddies at Haliburton should get the contract to fix them up"
"Thus far, some 40 countries and three international organizations have pledged about $34 billion in assistance for Iraqi reconstruction"
Translation: "Ok, It's just us and Britain, really. The other 38 countries, including Guam, the Island of Palau, and El Salvador, have agreed to let us put their flag on the 'Operation Freedom' letterhead. The three 'internationalorganizations' include Exxon, Cinnabon and the Spice channel"
"Whatever our differences in the past, the world understands that success in Iraq is critical to the security of our nations"
Translation: "We've fucked this up so bad even France is offering to help...and we're considering taking it!"
"And in the past month, Iraqi forces have led a major anti-terrorist campaign in Baghdad called Operation Lightning, which has led to the capture of hundreds of suspected insurgents."
Translation: "In the past month, Iraqi forces ran for their lives to the nearest teahouse, leaving an Iraqi General to ride Shotgun in a Humvee reading the small planet maps to our boys."
"To complete the mission, we will continue to hunt down the terrorists and insurgents"
Translation: "Look, this thing is an endless opportunity! We can keep deficit spending for weapons, creating jobs and leaving the real recession for the next president"
"the best way to complete the mission is to help Iraqis build a free nation that can govern itself, sustain itself, and defend itself. "
Translation: "Note that I said 'the best way'. Since this will probably not happen, we're just going to blow shit up for a few more years until a miracle happens and we can claim victory"
As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down.
Translation: "After they finish the civil war we helped start, we'll provide amputees with the finest prosthetics to help them stand up again"
"Between battles, [Transition Teams] are assisting the Iraqis with important skills, such as urban combat, and intelligence, surveillance and reconnaissance techniques.
Translation: "There's not much time 'between battles', so we're giving each Iraqi solder a Sony PlayStation with a real life combat game, an encylopedia, x-ray vision goggles and a video camera"
And as Iraqis see that their military can protect them, more will step forward with vital intelligence to help defeat the enemies of a free Iraq
Translation: "OK, so we goofed when we thought they would throw roses at our feet when we entered Baghdad...but we're pretty darned sure they're going to give us a ticker tape parade as soon as they see the all Shia military band marching down the street"
"we fight today because terrorists want to attack our country and kill our citizens, and Iraq is where they are making their stand"
Translation: "Although Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, our strategy was to invade Iraq, causing all terrorists and would be terrorists to converge there, allowing us to kill them all at once during their annual convention"
"We know that if evil is not confronted, it gains in strength and audacity, and returns to strike us again."
Translation: "think Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, the Downing Street Memo, WMD's, etc..."
"I thank those of you who have re-enlisted in an hour when your country needs you. And to those watching tonight who are considering a military career, there is no higher calling than service in our Armed Forces"
Translation: "Yes, things are so bad that now even I, the king of the chicken hawks, am helping the recruiting effort"