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Getting On : All My Politics

Desparately seeking work...

from Haunted - Friday, October 01, 2004
accessed 1305 times

Another shamless cut-and-paste job:

This individual seeks an executive position. He will be available next January, and is willing to relocate.



1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20520


Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in
1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I
pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's
license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving
record has been "lost" and is not available.

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and
went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer
any questions about my drug use. By joining the
Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat
duty in Vietnam.

I graduated from Yale University with a low
C average. I was a cheerleader.

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my
career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in
1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any
oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly
after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas
Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took
land using taxpayer money. With the help of my
father and our friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected
governor of Texas.


- I changed Texas pollution laws to favor
power and oil companies, making Texas the most
polluted state in the Union. During my tenure,
Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden
city in America.

- I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas
treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

- I set the record for the most executions
by any governor in American history.

- With the help of my brother, the governor
of Florida, and my father's appointments to the
Supreme Court, I became President after losing by
over 500,000 votes.


- I am the first President in U.S. history
to enter office with a criminal record.

- I invaded and occupied two countries at a
continuing cost of over one billion dollars per

- I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively
bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

- I shattered the record for the largest
annual deficit in U.S. history.

- I set an economic record for most private
bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

- I set the all-time record for most
foreclosures in a 12-month period.

- I set the all-time record for the biggest
drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my
first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost
their jobs and that trend continues every month.

- I'm proud that the members of my cabinet
are the richest of any administration in U.S.
history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice,
has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

- I set the record for most campaign
fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

- I am the all-time U.S. and world
record-holder for receiving the most corporate
campaign donations.

- My largest lifetime campaign contributor,
and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided
over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S.
History, Enron.

- My political party used Enron private jets
and corporate attorneys to assure my success with
the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

- I have protected my friends at Enron and
Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
More time and money was spent investigating the
Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent
investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs
in history. I presided over the biggest energy
crisis in U.S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry
was revealed.

- I presided over the highest gasoline
prices in U.S. history.

- I changed the U.S. policy to allow
convicted criminals to be awarded government

- I appointed more convicted criminals to
administration than any President in U.S. history.

- I created the Ministry of Homeland
Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of
the United States government.

- I've broken more international treaties
than any President in U.S. history.

- I am the first President in U.S. history
to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the
Human Rights Commission.

- I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court
of Law.

- I refused to allow inspector's access to
U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have
refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

- I am the first President in history to
refuse United Nations election inspectors (during
the 2002 U.S. election).

- I set the record for fewest numbers of
press conferences of any President since the advent
of television.

- I set the all-time record for most days on
vacation in any one-year period. After taking off
the entire month of August, I presided over the
worst security failure in U.S. history.

- I garnered the most sympathy ever for the
U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less
than a year later made the U.S. the most hated
country in the world, the largest failure of
diplomacy in world history.

- I have set the all-time record for most
people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in
public venues (15 million people), shattering the
record for protests against any person in the
history of mankind.

- I am the first President in U.S. history
to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the
military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so
against the will of the United Nations, the majority
of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

- I have cut health care benefits for war
veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for
active duty troops and their families in wartime.

- In my State of the Union Address, I lied
about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed
the lies on our British friends.

- I am the first President in history to
have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my
presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and

- I am supporting development of a nuclear
"Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

- I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge
to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.


-All records of my tenure as governor of
Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and
unavailable for public view.

- All records of SEC investigations into my
insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed
in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

- All records or minutes from meetings that
I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public
energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable
for public review.


Reader's comments on this article

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from exister
Tuesday, October 05, 2004 - 15:34

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Speaking of seeking work: The latest job numbers are in and in the month of September employers laid of over 107,000 while only hiring on a little over 16,000. That is a net loss of over 90,000 jobs in a single month, and in case you haven't noticed, the general trend is for human populations to grow. At this rate where will they all work?

How long can this madness continue?!?!
(reply to this comment)

From Jerseygirl
Wednesday, October 06, 2004, 12:16

You might get a small idea if you watch more futuristic sci-fi's exister okay? (as in everyone resorting to animalistic methods of survival while running around in ruined/looted streets and cities) My god, man! Stop being so fucking fretful! And please stop reminding us of how fucked up everything is--we need to try and sleep at least a little. Word Ass-In-Ment: Letter to a Labourer. (reply to this comment
From Haunted
Thursday, October 07, 2004, 05:11


Totally Ex - don't you remember where it all leads to??

"Soylent people!!!!"(reply to this comment

From Vicky
Wednesday, October 06, 2004, 12:40


OMG Jersey, how do you remember all that stuff??? I had completely blocked that letter out until you had to go and remind me. Thanks for nothing!!!

I do so wish I had your powers of retention, it would be rather an opportune resource for this poor, unfortunate, sleep-deprived and raddled student (And it's only three weeks into the academic year - however will I manage???). (reply to this comment

from shikaka
Tuesday, October 05, 2004 - 13:28


I am appalled! My blood boils, my bile rises!

(reply to this comment)

From Ne Oublie
Tuesday, October 05, 2004, 15:10

While some may consider electing Bush to be a poor choice, electing someone like Michael Moore would be nothing short of idiocy!(reply to this comment
Wednesday, October 06, 2004, 15:19

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
Ne Oublie, I do believe he was being sarcastic.=) (reply to this comment
From Ne Oublie
Wednesday, October 06, 2004, 15:40

Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Nah, you really think so? But going by a lot of the comments on this site, you can never be too sure of some peoples' sanity.(reply to this comment
Thursday, October 07, 2004, 05:39

Well if not, then well done haunted, you have a convert. Shikaka welcome to the left side. =) (reply to this comment
Tuesday, October 05, 2004 - 11:57

I guess I would employ him to be my "Executive toilet cleaner" if all else fails!
(reply to this comment)
From Baxter
Friday, October 15, 2004, 06:55


Executive being the objective word: he would need constant supervision.

(reply to this comment

from frmrjoyish
Tuesday, October 05, 2004 - 11:48

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Sobering! I can't believe anyone would actually vote for this man!
(reply to this comment)

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