from JohnnieWalker - Thursday, February 03, 2005
accessed 12276 times
Disclaimer: The following article is to be handled with care and shaken vigorously before reading. Keep this article out of direct sunlight while charging it with solar energy. Must be maintained in wet environment but may become hazardous when coming in contact with liquids. This article may be damaging to your eyesight so keep eyes closed while reading. For all other concerns and questions, please read the FAQs below.
Q: I want to practice Loving Jesus but am on my spiritual period. Can I use my pride as a menstrous rag?
A: Jesus would prefer you use the Magic Sponge.
Q: I got a prophecy from the prophet Elijah while he was hearing from the Lord. Does that make my prophecy special?
A: No. It makes it a prophecy of a prophecy of a prophecy.
Q: Why is the boob-throwing Aborigine called the "Hong Kong" Goolagong?
A: Because he is the Jesus baby of the Singapore Sailor and the Maharishi of Hydrabad.
Q: I got a lot of problems, I must confess. Somebody help me out of this mess.
A: I know the answer to all your problems, boy. You gotta love the Lord Jesus more.
Q: Am I cheating on Jesus if I have spiritual sex with Buddha?
A: Yes. The only exception to this, however, would be if you are FFing Buddha.
My dear flock,
Greetings in Jesus' precious Penis.
As usual, I must apologize for the delay in my communications with you. A couple months ago, the enemy threw a monkey wrench into the machine of the Lord's work. Unfortunately, we couldn't fix the machine because the Devil had thrown in the only monkey wrench we owned.
This vicious attack of the enemy took place while I was working at my computer. I had nearly finished my work when a suspicious alert popped up on my Flatlander screen, notifying me that my PC had been infected by the Half.a@Worm virus, which had eaten up half of the data on my hard drive. I began to cry. The mean virus had eaten the half that I wanted.
The malicious code then began dancing around my desktop, flinging evil weed seeds into the air as it went. Suddenly, the weed seeds began to grow up, up, up into the sky. I tried to stop them but they wriggled right up through my fingers. -- It tickled a little.
I tried calling on the Father for help but his number had been disconnected. I tried calling on the Keys of Remembrance only to discover that I had forgotten where I placed them.
Helpless, I stood transfixed as the weeds grew through the ceiling and into the sky. Then, to my shock and horror, the Green Paper Pig began climbing down the vines, cackling with glee that it had finally found a way to get in and ruin the father’s estate.
I had lost all hope when, suddenly, I heard the angelic voices of my mother and father singing:
"Ha ha ha! Don't be deceived; the Green Paper Pig is all a dream.
Ha ha ha! Children dance on the roof! The Green Paper Pig is gonna go poop!"
Then, without warning, the windows flew open and the Wild Wind began blowing through my round, round room, knocking furniture and water-filled, glass statues of headless horses to the ground.
I quickly jumped over and grabbed on to the base of an antenna, which was about to be blown over. As I lay there clutching the pole, I caught a glimpse of Leland Valentine in his red flannel underwear muttering to himself as he meandered over to his little grass shack down in beautiful Hawaii.
As the hurricane died down and the weeds slowly curled into the sky, I heard the Lord's voice as he spoke to me and said:
(Jesus speaking:) Sorry. I farted. (End of message from Jesus)
Hallalujah, Praise You Lord! (Tongues -- probably Chief Ngocha Fli-Bag speaking:) Fogasho labza woda hee gevis onleebee gaden shanza hooso eba belee beshin himshana pebish bata fefa lashtin lai.
(Interpretation:) My robe of light is a size too small and it’s giving me a wedgie.
Wow! Wasn’t that amazing? Thank you, our wonderful Sex-crazed Savior for bestowing upon us your golden seeds while other Christians must settle for your bronze, copper and tin seeds.
Now, dear ones, here is another precious jewel from our Handsome He-man, Hitler. The other night he inspired me with a dream of the Endtime and the powerful powers He would bestow upon us, His children, to protect us from exploding bombs and gunfire even if we only wore cheap braided hair-extensions and a torn negligee that we got from the Forsake-All.
In this dream I saw a young woman called Heaven's Girl. She and her two sisters, Sky Woman and Firmament Female, formed the terrifying trio known to the AC forces as "Heaven's Magic". Together they fended off their enemies with nothing but a hook-handled umbrella, a bent curtain rod and a pogo stick. Countless times they had sent multitudes of heavily armed AC forces fleeing for their lives at the sound of the ‘thud’ of these improvised shepherd's staffs.
Then, one tragic winter’s day, Firmament and Sky found themselves surrounded by enemy soldiers. Bravely they pointed their fingers at the soldiers and waited for fire to come down from the sky and devour them. Unfortunately, they had forgotten to take off their mittens.
Heaven’s Girl was now alone and the AC forces (who wore inconspicuous metallic space suits, air-force pilot helmets and imitation Raybans) had piled into a dilapidated Jeep and were chasing her through the jungle. Heaven's Girl was running for her life stopping only briefly to warn people not to go to the supermarket today.
As she ran out of breath, Heaven's Girl realized that the only way to escape would be to lie down on the ground in the dark. Quick as a flash, she jumped down, turned around, touched the ground and praised the Lord.
As she lay there hiding, she feared that the sound of her beating heart was so loud the enemy would hear it and it would give away her position. But she was wrong. What gave her position away was the bump the soldiers felt as they drove over her.
Once the AC soldiers had caught her, Sergeant Cody (a.k.a. “The Very Strange Man at the Checkout Stand”) radioed his superior:
Sergeant Cody: Howdy, General.
General Hank: Er... Cody. Ain't cha forgettin' somthin'?
Sergeant Cody: Oh yeah. (Shouting:)ALL HAIL TO OUR GREAT LEADER! ...Shucks, I forgot we're always suposed to say that now.
General Hank: Thatta boy, Cody. So, did you catch that Heaven's Bitch I sent you after.
Sergeant Cody: You betcha! We caught her entering King Freddy's Kingdom illegally while driving her toothbrush without a license. But before we could arrest her she jumped up started breathin' at us like she was some kind of fire dragon and now I’ve got two men down.
General Hank: WHAT?!? She spewed fire out of her mouth?
Sergeant Cody: No Sir. She just had really bad breath.
General Hank: Oh, I see…..well, you just run along now and bring her down to the deserted zoo on the edge of town. Oh....and Cody, be so kind and stop by a computer store on yer way in. This damn chip in my forehead keeps crashing and I think it's about time I got me an upgrade.
At the zoo, Heaven's Girl sat weeping on the floor of the empty monkey cage. The floor was littered with banana peels that had been left there by the cage’s former occupant—a barefoot, briefcase-toting businessman.
Why had the Lord allowed the enemy to capture her, she asked herself. Was it because she complained about her 'Tapioca and Sardine Delight' breakfast porridge? Had she crossed the red tape on the kitchen floor without yelling “Hot pot!”? Or maybe it was because she had forgotten to disinfect the papayas after bringing home the provisioning.
As she prayed, her gaze wandered to the penguin exhibit, where a handful of naked people were being herded onto the ice. In spite of the cold, they were dancing and singing, "We are not afraid to die, for the Lord will make us high...", while enjoying a merry game of musical crowns.
Presently, her attention was drawn to the TV down the hall, which was playing an educational Treasure Attic in which Peepers, Bunny Bigword and Uncle Jim performed a rap number on the benefits of the Mark of the Beast.
Abruptly, her thoughts were interrupted by the clang of the cage door. A group of soldiers came in and began dragging her by one foot towards the lions' den.
Terrified of what would become of her, Heaven's Girl made vain attempts to plead for her life.
"Please no! Not the lion’s den! I'm allergic to cats."
"No wait! I don't have dying grace yet."
"I'd rather be fried on a 10-foot pole."
"Oh look, a manger scene with baby Jesus. PLEASE let me stop and look at Jesus. PLEASE let me stop and look at Jesus."
It was no use. The men didn’t listen. Instead, they threw her on some gunnysacks and forced her to go for the gold while showing them a sample of the Lord’s love. But when Heaven’s Girl began doing a dance number to the tune of “Fire and Ice”, they realized that this had been a really bad idea.
After each of the soldiers bid her a short and heartfelt farewell, they threw her gruffly into the lion’s den.
Heaven’s Girl waved goodbye to the men above as they laboriously slid the enormous stone slab back over the entrance. (Editor’s note: While the ACs had the brilliance and technology to create a talking temple robot and mind-controlling chip implants, they remained hopelessly stuck in the stone age when it came to keeping lions and tigers captive.)
Alone in the darkness of the den with no noise to be heard but the growling of hungry lions, Heaven’s Girl comforted herself with encouraging and faith-building stories that she had read as a child. Stories of the fates of the Young Prophet and early Christians in the arena came readily to mind.
I wish I could tell you that Heaven’s Girl made a heroic escape by single-handedly lifting the stone slab, climbing a tree, jumping a wall, humping the zoo guards and hiding out in a penthouse...
…. but I woke up from my dream when the stupid bitch pricked my forehead with a hairpin.