from Tim R - Thursday, January 20, 2005
accessed 3264 times
I just read this on their web site. Apparently "Jude Osborn" has uncovered our secret plans to ruin his sons Lego playtime.
I thought the "two or three dozen" "vaguely feminine" exmembers who come to this site might be interested in reading this.
(repost from myconclusion.com:)
Global Domination Through Deviant Lego Men
By Jude Osborn (a.k.a Kevin Kanwayte)
Apparently my son Kevin Junior is an evil, menacing 4-year-old villain. Why? Because from what I’ve heard, somewhere out there are maybe two or three dozen brave hostile ex-member men and women who will stop at nothing to foil his sinister plans for world domination through playing with cars and running around with Spiderman underwear on his head.
If he were old enough I imagine Kevin would have a thin, curly, evil mustache. If his head was large enough I guess he’d sport a tall, black, evil top hat. And most importantly, he might regularly let loose a long, evil cackle, except that he’s too busy moisturizing the air with car noises. What a chilling picture of pure evil.
But do not cower in fear, good citizens! You can sleep in peace knowing that the self-styled forces of good are at work to bring to justice the forces of apparent evil. All over the world are intrepid heroes, sitting behind computer desks, feverishly typing web site posts with titles like “Let’s #$%!@ those @#)$& retarded Family !@*(&^#$^ for making me mop floors when I was 11!” Their unforgettable name: “Team Apostate!”“Valiance and selflessness” - that’s their motto!
Team Apostate: the picture of valiance in the face of the omnipresent threat of 3 and a half foot tall “mini me” Family villains like Kevin. When will the villain and his psychotic sidekicks, “Daddy and Mommy” strike next? When will they launch an attack at the heart of modern society with unfathomably heinous acts of evil, such as “having pancakes for breakfast” or “reading Bible stories” or “making hideous play-dough aliens with long, slimy tongues"?
Team Apostate: The picture of “selflessness” in their pursuit of justice, as they cast aside the unnecessary frills of life, such as “living constructive lives” and “doing happy things".
“Team Apostate: Valiance and %^%!$ selflessness! Hooah!”
As cunning and shrewd as Kevin Junior and his cohorts may be, Team Apostate has the wits to foil every plan of evil. It is their unmatched intelligence that will ultimately bring Kevin’s works of evil zoo visits and bubble baths to a dramatic, grinding halt. Only then can the world breathe a sigh of relief.
“First we must start by striking at the foundation of his evil empire", proclaims noble Team Apostate member Captain Dimwit, dressed in pink spats, and holding his “mighty hammer of justice” (which oddly enough is actually a small plastic pooper scooper). “We must destroy his financial base of power by defaming the missionary foundations and organizations that support his slaves!”
Captain Dimwit tilts his superhuman head, raises a superhuman eyebrow and lifts his “Hammer of Justice” in the air as if to bring it down upon the anvil with a mighty “splat". “We now know that these organizations and foundations funnel a whopping sum of $0.00 to the leadership of Kevin’s empire of crime and peanut butter balls, and this insanity must be stopped!”
He continues: “So, if you’re a missionary home on a poor, far flung field relying on support from these foundations of evil, rest assured that thanks to Team Apostate you may soon be free! Free from the tight grip of their dreadful financial support! Free to dig for drinking water and harvest strips of tree bark for nourishment!”
“Team Apostate: @#!& valiance and selflessness! Hooah!”
Then a tall, muscular, vaguely feminine woman comes to the fore with a tight bun in her hair. The mystery woman is dressed in a business suit and large glasses. Quick as a flash she spins into a small tornado, making a low gurgling sound similar to that of a garbage disposal. When she halts her appearance has changed to that of a woman in a business suit who just spun around in circles (messy hair, crooked glasses). It’s the brave, caring and beloved heroine Whiner Woman!
She passionately proclaims, “Too many children have suffered at the hands of evil! We must save them from the horrors of giggling, playing in parks, traveling the world and eating spaghetti. We must snatch them from the clutches of happiness and lead them to the safety of orphanages and correctional institutions.” Then, pulling a large onion from … well … I’m not really sure, she peels it and begins to weep.
“Team Apostate: @#!& valiance and !@$%* selflessness! Hooah! (Sniff)”
Then, as if we hadn’t seen it all: Faster than a speeding rumor! More powerful than a “loco” motive. Able to leap tall tales in a single bound. It’s a beef! It’s a complaint! No, it’s Stuporman! Another vaguely feminine sight.
Standing several feet above ground on his personal soapbox, cape blowing in the wind, underwear on the outside and painfully constricting tights glistening in the sunlight, our hero boldly proclaims (with a slightly high-pitched voice): “The forces of good must be rallied against the forces of evil! Thousands of fortunate men and women have escaped the talons of Kevin’s empire, but still live in fear of the razor sharp claws of his Lego men.”
Then, jutting a clenched fist in the air with one hand and arranging his underwear with the other he adds, “To all you who have escaped, I say lay aside your sensible, productive lives and embrace narrow-mindedness, hatred and exaggeration. Come fight with us! Come grumble with us! Come post bigoted, overly-dramatic crap all over our web site, and together we will form a giant brownish colored snowball that will roll right over the forces of evil!”
“Team Apostate: @#!& and !@$%*! Hooah! (Ouch, my poor little superhuman nuts.)”
This column is NOT an official WS publication. And, no, Family leadership did not coerce me into writing it. I wrote it because I’m sort of … well … irritated.
I’m not normally one to write something as cynical as this, but you must understand that the few vocal and active apostates have indirectly (though almost directly) verbally threatened myself and my Family though I’ve done nothing at all to offend them (maybe until now). In my book that’s about as low as a person can go.
I have huge amounts of respect for you who have left the Family and continued on with your lives. So to the vast majority of you much more intelligent and sensible former members are reading this, I say, well done. But to those who can’t get past life’s problems, glitches and misfortunes (we all have them) and are “moving on” to hate, anger and melodrama, why don’t you do something @!$%* valiant and get a life?
Jude Osborn is a second generation member of the Family International.