Getting Out : Inside Out
from cyborcosmic - Monday, October 11, 2004
accessed 1697 times
I understand why I feel disturbed.
I talked to my brother on Friday last week to see what the problem was. He slit his wrists twice in one week. He cut them so bad that he canít work or even lift a plate. He is 19 years old and currently looking for work. I think it will be tougher because now he will have to hide his wrists and emotional instability. He told me he suffers constantly and can no longer avoid the pain. I told him that facing the feelings and going there is where he will find healing. I think his desire is to change; I made sure he understood that it takes work.
I still need to talk to my Mom about getting him help; it must be difficult for her. Her 4 oldest children all had suicide attempts. First it was my 17 year old sister who took over 100 tuberculosis pills and had to go to a special hospital to recover, then it was me at 14, I had overdosed on sleeping pills, and then my Mom lost the oldest at 24, she jumped off the 7th floor of our building and now my brother slit his wrists twice in one week. It woke my mom up, yet we are still alone in getting support. I have to accept that I canít save my brother. This brings up a lot of feelings since I couldnít save my sister either. My dad told me that if there is anyone who can talk him out of it, itís me. I donít think that that is fair. I told him that honestly I donít know if thatís true.
I have been going into the feelings so much and there are so many feelings. I went deep into what I was avoiding, I feel it in my heart and it is such deep pain that I try to avoid the heartbreak of it. I donít feel what I should be feeling until something in my life, in this case my brother, wakes me up to what I need to do. I know that whenever I avoid it, I am not getting over it. Even though I canít save him I feel very responsible. I was with him when he started doing drugs, (at 11!) and even though I warned him not to overdo it, I also did drugs in front of him before. After that I quit, and he would still do them and make fun of me for being Ďstraight-edgeí, he also drinks almost everyday. His girlfriend went to Alcoholics Anonymous to get some tips, but my brother refused to come with.
I feel responsible for all of my younger brothers; I feel like the mother sometimes, the youngest used to call me mama. Itís because we all raised each other and didnít have proper parents. We just had a cult. My brother told me that he thinks he's disturbed. I told him it was our childhood that was disturbed, not him, yet I understand the feeling. I have many judgments and I put a lot of pressure on myself not to be lazy. I couldnít live a normal childhood and I must spend the rest of my life working to fix the damage done there. I am tired but I canít stop.... When I stop and rest I feel unworthy and useless. I am ashamed to cry and ashamed to feel I am ashamed, So ashamed to be real I have to hide my wants and needs I have to choose yours I can never choose for me If I do then I feel guilty These are all things that are coming to me. I am grateful that I see it but know that the actions I need to take are endless and it is difficult to be more ďfor meĒ without feeling guilty. This is what I find so disturbing. To us itís normal to feel this way.
I am deeply disturbed by the suicide in my life. I am not suicidal but I know that I have a long way to go before I find my positive self worth.
I feel that unworthiness and suicide are tied in together.
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Sunday, July 02, 2006 - 19:45
Hey there...I don't know what to say or how to say it that will really help you. I myself attempted suicide at 15, and since then I've wanted to a lot of times, but what we have to realize (similar to what was earlier posted), is that this life is just a short phase in a greater eternity.
We're all put here for a reason, and it's our job to find that reason. Suicide is just saying you give up. I don't know you and I don't know what kind of person you are, but I hope you are not a quitter.
At the end of the day I just want you to know that Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. Not the Family, not a cult, not Mama and Peter...Jesus.
Things happen, and people can be blamed. There is abuse, injustice, cruelty, etc etc...These are all results of personal choices. Of course, the Lord allows this, but we cannot judge Him for what we don't understand.
Please, let Jesus love you. He wants you and is waiting for you to want Him.
And, to plagiarize a little, "I just want you to know, that although I don't know you and will probably never meet you, I love you. I really, really love you."
(reply to this comment)
| From Rain Child|
Sunday, July 02, 2006, 22:50
Nice little bandaid on a massive wound, that.
If I may be abstract about this,Why would life being, 'just a short phase in a greater eternity' be a reason not to commit suicide? I would think the biggest reason to go on living is because this here and now is it. It's our life, our one go and we have to make the most of it, not give up on it, and live it the best we can, because it's everything. (Not saying I definitely don't believe in an afterlife, I just don't believe in it as a reason for living or for our actions in this life.)
The best reason not to give up is because there is only one of each of us, living this one precious life, touching and loving and helping other people and experiencing joy, courage, sorrow, strength, and all the things that make us human and that make our lives individual flames to treasure.
Why should the fact that you love him (Or even Jesus) make any difference to this boy? It's about whether he can love himself enough to say, "I am worth it. I will go on."(reply to this comment)
| From GenBethlehem|
Monday, July 03, 2006, 03:28
Hey rainman. I know this is a public blog, but my intentions were only to help / console Cyber. I know sorry doesn't fix it, but sometimes knowing that someone care for you and is concerned can do a world of good. I personally know of the abuse that can be suffered in TFI (both my sister and best friend were subject to sexual atrocities that I believe the perpetrator should be shot for!).
Life is what you make it, Cyber. And for me, that's reason enough to go on. (reply to this comment)
Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 11:16
Your 'brother' needs to see that this world is nothing but an illuison. the land of the dead is the onbly real reality.
The spirit realm will never be changed, the mortal world always changes.
The illusion, the big pipe dream, has claimed many of souls, many many many.
Dont you ever question WHY things are the way they are?
DONT you EVER wonder why people are so blind to truth? Why they use and have been used to scare tatics?!
You may think im a nut, but the cour5se of 115 courses through my blood.
From one cynic to another, from bloodlines to bloodlines.
(reply to this comment)
| From cyborcosmic|
Monday, February 21, 2005, 02:14
I told him that who he thinks he is, is an illusion.
He's buried underneath all the pent-up feelings, there lies his truest parts, until he begins to express the hurts and pains he will never know himself.
I don't question why things are this way, I just try to inspire change.
I question when, when will they open their eyes to the truth and open their hearts to the pains of their children
I can not make them see
I can not bring them back to life when they chose to die slowly
All I can do is change my own heart and feel
and one day they will see that the only pain is to feel nothing at all(reply to this comment)
Friday, October 15, 2004 - 13:30
I understand the emotional pull you are going through, I have felt suicidal so many times and still do, I am not afraid to admit it. Growing up we have all been exposed to so many changes and philosophies, that when we are finally thrust into normalcy, it can be such a dissapointment. Leaving the cult we all have feelings of disconectivity not only with our families but with society, our own country and even organized religion.They even say there is a suicide gene that plagues some people and certain families need to take advantage of the many "happy" pills available to them by perscription.
I also feel you are not responsible for your brother's happiness or welfare. My Dad tried to get one of my brothers to live with me when he was only 15! I can barely take care of myself financially much less provide for and give guidance for a teenager! When talking to my family who are not in the cult, they all agreed that my Dad cannot just "dump" his kids on others when they get into the slightest bit of trouble. That's so typical of TF behavior to dump most of their problems on the system and individuals rather than on themselves. It's time parents wake up and take responsiblilty and realize the cult lifestyle can be terribly fatal and definetly harmful for their youngsters.
(reply to this comment)
| From breakaway|
Thursday, December 02, 2004, 12:59
I know what you mean. That is so typical of Family parents. The minute their kids start giving them "trouble", they quickly look for someone else to take care of them. Instead of changing their attitudes towards their kids and dealing with the problems at hand constructively, its easier just to ship the kids out somewhere out of sight and out of mind. "Oh, I just put my kid in the Lord's hands. Whatever happens is His will." They either send them off to some combo home, or to grandparents and relatives. This is such a cult mentality and completely irresponsible but is exactly what happened when my brothers and I did not want to live their lifestyle. Instead of our parents seeing how they could arrange things in order to improve their kids' quality of life, education and happiness, they chose to put their religion above their children and we will forever suffer the consequences.(reply to this comment)
| From cyborcosmic|
Wednesday, October 20, 2004, 08:55
You see, our parents are part of the problem when they dump their responsibility, how is that giving us the motivation to help ourselves?
I get the feeling that the adults in his (and ours) life would rather he "just gets on with things". This is where I differ. He has a right to all the ways he feels and we have all been through so much. To deny this is to miss the point entirely, only I am afraid. He is crying for help in his own way. I feel there is so much he carries in his heart and that it is all too heavy for him to carry.
He is a legal adult so we can't make him get help and he has to look seriously at his situation and reach out for help himself.
The point I wanted to make is: If he wants help, he'll find it. (reply to this comment)
Thursday, October 14, 2004 - 19:06
I really understand how you feel exactly. I don't know what to tell you to make it better. It's really hard to be the strong one, but it seems that's the role you were made to fill.
Despite what your dad says, you are not the one who can save him. The only one who can save him is himself. All you can do is try to help and be there for him. Handling someone so unstable is like going through a deadly maze blindfolded. There is no way to know what will be good for him. It's bad that he does not seek outside help. AA is a little embarrassing, so I can understand why he refused to go.
I am dealing with a very similar situation right now, so if you wanna talk, or need some advice, please e-mail me. I'm really sorry you dealing with this. I know how it makes you ponder your own stability in so many ways.
(reply to this comment)
| From Randi|
Sunday, July 02, 2006, 23:50
I'm so sorry for all the problems you are facing and have faced with your family. It must be so stressful to constantly be on the edge of losing a family member. I know what it feels like to be without needed support from parents and family. It's something I've had to deal with for most of my life. My parents were in a "selah" unit...and all that that implys...secrecy, hiding from their own child etc, they still do it. Thankfully, I don't have any brothers or sisters to worry about though, so that makes it easier. There is no way that I or we can ever comprehend that "parental" mentality. It's just not normal, even animals know better than that, but that's how it is. You should not have to bare these burdens alone, you have enough to deal with yourself. Their/his pain further intensifies your pain, and is a constant reminder of what you've been through. Cliche' as this is, counseling is probably what he needs, AA is not enough. It sounds like you also need to talk to someone to help you find self worth...you need to rest, you need a place to fall...you can't keep holding yourself together like that, eventually you will crack up. I know exactly how it is....the guilt, the difficulty relaxing...I too feel bad for feeling bad, for feeling pain...it's a terrible cycle, I know.
I believe that people should "help themselves," a lot of times you just have to pull yourself together and keep going...life as it is just doesn't allow one to stop for an extended period of time, we have to keep going in order to prevent the whole loser situation etc, however, in some cases, we simply can't just help ourselves. Perhaps we don't have the tools we need to pull ourselves together, or the pain from our past is too pervading and we need someone to help us put it in perspective ( a perfessional.) Depression, is not something we can just deal with on our own, and often family members can't help either because it's beyond us. I sincerely hope that you can get a hold of a perfessional counselor. $$$ I know it's expensive, but it might save his life and make yours better. Life shouldn't be this way, there has to be a way to change it. I'm still dealing with a lot myself, but counseling really helped me to find a sense of self worth and inner strength. It helped me to define my boundaries, to respect myself...something we werent taught, we were "programed" to see ourselves as unworthy and nothing, that we shouldn't be proud etc and were severly punished for feeling good about ourselves...garbage. We have everything to be proud of, we are so worthy!!! Unfortunately, a lot of us have to keep going with out the support of our parents. Religion has totally tainted their paradigms and killed thier parental values. They have become so hard hearted to the cry of their children. How they say they can love God without loving their own children, beats me. I'm afraid that one day when they are old and helpless, their kid's will not be there to care for them...Life has a way of paying you back. Sad.
I wish you weren't so alone. As the counselor told me.....: the little girl inside you has been hurt, neglected and abused. Take care of her. Stop telling her to feel guilty and ashamed for feeling sad, for feeling tired. She doesn't have to strong all the time, don't put more on her than she can handle. (reply to this comment)