Brian: All in a days work

from Spat - Sunday, June 27, 2004
accessed 4358 times

Day: 5840
Location: Home XXXFF
Revolution Period: PER aka (PhukyouERse)
Mission Objectives: Survival, persecution (child abuse court cases) evasive maneuvers, L of L (Lick another Lollipop)
Primary Objective: Screw Brian

“By faith Enoch was translated………………..” Brian slipped into cruise control mode, the words and sounds coming out from his mouth seemed to not even make sense, it seemed to him this was somebody else’s voice. For a second he felt like an alien in a far off galaxy where words and notes made no sense, he had no feelings, no control, no goal, no direction and no life.

Brian had always thought Hebrews 11 was one of the most exciting and hopeful passages of the Bible where Brian found elation by simply paying attention to the human emotion and desires plasmated on the text, but at this moment he felt nothing. Brian had repressed his feelings and desires so hard and for soo long he now had no feelings at all, the anger he felt at having to walk and repeat meaningless verses instead of playing ball where buried soo deep he was not even sure it was even there now.

Brian’s repetitions where interrupted by the notes of the “Thank you Jesus for this Food” national family anthem ringing from the dinning room, Brian glanced at his hand watch and upon realization he was already 5 minutes late dashed to the dining room court.

The afternoon snack consisted of 2 buckets of milk (nice creamy powder milk that was always a bitch to mix) and a stack of 250 bananas. Brian considered himself a banana hater and was always appalled by the rancid smell bananas produced on peoples mouths, his stomach revolted at the mere memory of an encounter Brian had had with teen Ruthie ( a sweet national teen, and seemingly the only girl interested in giving Brian some) in the shed, Ruthie had consumed a dozen or so bananas and the putrid smell of the bananas had so damped Brian’s spirit he had left a very confused and horny Teen Ruthie in the shed to her own devices.

Brian consumed a cup of milk took a pass on the bananas and proceeded to the afternoon JJT board. After a quick glance Brian discovered to his dismay that his afternoon JJT job was the egg cleansing JJT.

The egg cleansing ritual was a complex operation, the procedure consisted in filling 4 huge tubs with water, in tubs # 1 and #2 soap and clorox were added for “cleansing’ purposes, tub # 3 contained only clorox and tub # 4 was exclusively water. The 1389 eggs consumed every week sat in the crates, theses where not normal eggs (the eggs were bought straight off a local farm at 40% the regular price) the crates contained enough roaches and excrement to send most normal people looking for a better morning meal (Brian could swear last time he had been to the farm shopping for some eggs that the “sweet” contact that provided this sweet deal had been openly smirking as he provided the dirtiest nastiest eggs he could find while staring down aunty Rosita’s blouse).

Now there were multiple problems with egg cleansing procedures, the smallest was the putrid smell, the most compelling one being the risk of breaking over 10 eggs and being charged with a triple demerit for unprayerful conduct. To Brian the biggest menace the operation contained was the very real possibility of having his “cool gear” stained by the Clorox.

After 3 hours of egg cleaning Brian had carefully cleaned and dried 1384 eggs, only 3 had been cracked which was a new egg record.

Brian cleaned up and was relieved to only find one more white spot on his yellow shirt, the spot was smaller than a square inch so Brian felt his good looks would not suffer a mayor impact by this new extravagant “decoration”

After a delicious dinner consisting of liver stew, Brian quickly commenced his Dish duty, Dish washing was fairly simple and only took 1:24 minutes with the 9 man crew performing marvels (this was mainly caused by the excitement video night always brought to the home)

Brian’s good mood was quickly altered when he spotted Uncle Malachi Teacher, an old family member that could proudly trace his roots to the original TLC where he had been one of the blessed few who had the privilege of being taught by Grandpa himself. This remarkable character walked with a thick coat and sunglasses thru the hottest of desserts and the darkest of nights, he claimed that thru his contact with “the prophet” he had becomed so sensitive to other peoples spirits that without the added protection the glasses and skimo jacked provided he could be instantly attacked by the evil spirits and moods the “sweet brethren” around him happen to have at the moment of their interaction. Brian distrusted this reasoning but had at times been unsure due to the fact that Malachi did at times appear to be seriously troubled by something or someone. Malachi resolved these troublesome situations by keeping a secret stash of Tequila in his “prayer Trailer”, Brian had discovered this stash while cleaning up after a “prayer session” Malachi and Aunty Rosita had had in the trailer.

Malachi was setting up his PA system in the living room, since Malachi was one of the senior shepherds and was the only one who actually knew grandpa he felt he was the most capable of pow wowing movies for the teens. The fact that only 5 teens did not have the quantity of demerits that negated video night did not seem to dampen Malachi’s spirit as he carefully performed a sound check on his PA System.

After 25 minutes of hallabaranda, a wonderful prophecy by Malachi and desperate prayer to rebuke system influence the video began. Brian knew the tape by heart, he had watched “Peter and Paul” at least 20 times, and even knew the credits so well he mumbled to himself as he read along, at the opening scene Malachi quickly paused the video turned on the mike the and began dissertating on the complexities of the era depicted in the movie. Malachi then decided they should read up on the biblical background of the time and sent everyone looking for their bibles.
As Brian got up he felt nothing, wanted nothing and was nothing