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Getting Out : Inside Out

Hey Brian Its my life too!!!

from Spat - Tuesday, August 05, 2003
accessed 2018 times

Days of Heaven

Day: 5840
Location: Home XXXFF
Revolution Period: PER aka (PhukyouERse)
Mission Objectives: Survival, persecution (child abuse court cases) evasive maneuvers, L of L (Lick another Lollipop)
Primary Objective: Screw Brian

After all the barrels had been extracted to the garbage collection area, Brian proceeded to his favorite part of the "garbage operation" ritual.

Since "SCP (Space City Palace) " Or MX00112 as was referred to in TRF's. had a population of 164 (or was it 165, Brian did not know if Auntie Patience's baby had been born yet) the garbage production was of such quantity and odor quality that the locals refused to collect it without a remuneration for their toils. After much prayer and prophecy (topped by the fact garbage cans had accumulated to the point that the 37 barrels had been unable to contain the trash accumulated during the decision making period), the home teamwork had decided to repay the efforts of these precious nationals (trash collectors) with the payment of a buck a barrel (which usually amounted to around 60 dollars a week, a handsome amount in a country were the minimum wage was around 2 dollars a day).

To further inspire and win over these “poor but precious nationals” it was decided that some of the provisioned Hershey and Sneaker Bars would be given to the garbage men. This was a very deliberated matter due to the fact that Auntie Vessel tenaciously argued the point that in doing so the garbage men’s teeth might be lost. Her concerns were put to rest after Uncle Josh-the home finance shepherd- received a prophecy containing the “though they eat poison they shall not be harmed” sentence. Now all this chitter chatter had no direct implications or interest for Brian until he discovered that some gain could be obtained from slipping a couple of chocolate bars off the 2 designated boxes for the garbage men immediately prior to their delivery. Brian had a special spot in the garbage shed where the “stolen goods” could be safely stored for later retrieval. He expertly cut the box in the bottom and collected 5 bars, hid them and gave the boxes to Pancho the head garbage Honcho.

A very delighted and self content Brian proceeded to the showers for the decontamination ritual under the watchful eye of Uncle Uriah.

Meanwhile in the dining room a drama unfolded, Sweet Auntie Rose’s (a genuinely nice lady whose biggest fault in Brian’s eyes was always trying to do the right thing which inevitably always got somebody in trouble) eyes came to rest on the discarded plate of delight left in the OC’s table. She very naively (with the intention to wash the bowl) asked whose bowl it was. This very innocent inquiry would have ended there had fate not dictated that the softly spoken question carried all the way into Auntie Vessels ears. Vessel (a very shrewd character) immediately caught the possible dark meanings an abandoned plate implied and quickly worked her way over to the OC table (a hard feat for a lady weighting 160 pounds in a crowded room), thus the case of the abandoned delight was opened.

Luck being what it is, it so happened that precise moment OC Johny (after a very disciplined battle with his delight) found himself going thru the 6th basin in the dish washing line carefully inspecting his plate to avoid the possible double demerit an improper dishwashing operation represented. As he made his way back to the table his heart sank. The sight in front of him was one he feared: Untie Vessel. He quickly went thru a mental checklist of the possible reasons such a grave encounter was occurring. It suddenly hit him (with great pain) that he had forgotten to get permission to leave the table.

Vessel quickly assessed the situation, her Sherlock Holmes like senses came to the fore as she examined every OC and a distracted teen Mary (OC Shepherd) all bravely attempting to consume the pottage set before them. She was momentarily puzzled by the fact they all had their bowls next to them. It was just then and there that Johnny made his appearance.

Now Johnny and Vessel had a long history dating back to Johnny’s YC days, Vessel had always found Johnny to be a formidable opponent full of pride and with a prickly intellect. Her eyes quickly squinted as she resembled an eagle falling on her prey. The interrogation was quick and simple, like a cat playing with a mouse. After his initial story of the washed dish was dismissed due to his lack of proof. Johnny recognized he was mismatched and created a story. The story included an quick toilet trip, an attempted bowl abandonment attempt and a subsequential lying attempt. After a tearful admission Johny received 5 demerits, 2 doubles for the lying and plate abandoning attempt, and a single for leaving the table without permission. He was them given a full bowl of delight and a memorizing assignment.

So this concluded the case: A very proud and self assured Auntie Vessel sure she had done her best in teaching and preparing Johny for the future. A frustrated Johnny sure that his video night was now nothing more than an illusion.

Just around the time of the conclusion of this renowned case (which was discussed at length throughout the day by all involved and uninvolved characters), the devotion bells rang.

Brian quickly made it to the living room just in time to hear the conclusion (or so he thought of the terrifying shake song), it was just then that Uncle Uriah noticed the late arrival. After the customary “Does everybody love Brian?” announcement, Uriah decided there was still time for a last good shake and started with the hated notes. Brian’s face got red but there was 0.0 chances of escaping the torture so after a lenghty solo performance was completed he looked for the furthest corner available.

Brian was then relieved to hear the well memorized Psalm 100 notes ring out, this meant that the getting up and dancing part of the inspiration was over the closing of the eyes and singing to the Lord portion had started. Out of the nearly 120 untuned voices that filled the room, Uncle Jeho’s teary faced voice rung out like an accordion in a rock concert. Sweet Jeho had never understood what carrying a tune was and believed that his love for Jesus was best displayed by making sure your voice of praise was heard above the crowd (he had also learned that a few tears here and there usually helped create the wanted illusion).

After about 30 minutes of wailing, the meaty part of the devotions began. Since it was Uncle Zeb’s turn to lead devotions Brian knew a blast for America was coming. His expectations were exceeded as Zeb read the great American nightmare dream letter. Brian liked these dream letters they always seemed movielike to him and they impressed him with how bizarre and imaginative grandpa had been for a while.

After the customary 10 minutes of announcements involving such important matters as "who is missing a grey sock" came to end. Brians favorite devotion part "show love to thy brother" started . There where 2 simple rules to be respected during this period.

1. Make sure he hugged as many of the teen girls as he could

2.Stay away from Uncle Josue (a fine character with the exception he had the stinckiest breath Brian had ever encountered)

On next edition, Brian goes to town, Get out lessons and Video night

Reader's comments on this article

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from Baxter
Tuesday, May 17, 2005 - 10:58

To the fucking T!
(reply to this comment)
from dalai pot lama
Monday, May 16, 2005 - 20:43

groan............ not, not, not the "shake". One of the few songs (if you could call it a song) that got close to the abomination level of "father david". All those stupid songs designed to destroy a young man's self esteem. Baaarrfff. I shall be forever traumatized.
(reply to this comment)
From Cosmicblip
Tuesday, May 17, 2005, 10:35

dalai pot lama's riding, dalai pot lama's riding. dalai pot lama's riding and he's riding for the lord. he is a gospel rider. gypsy of the lord. he is a mountain climber!!! all ye children of the lord.

Auntie Vessel can eat shit & die.(reply to this comment
From dalai pot lama
Tuesday, May 17, 2005, 20:24



Christ almighty!! PLEEEEZZ!! NO!! I actually had successfully forgotten about this one. I had it locked away in the secret chambers of my mind, never to be accessed again... sniffle sniffle... (reply to this comment

from cheeks
Thursday, February 05, 2004 - 04:14

It is simply too funny man do I remember those days. Thank God they are over and my kids never have to live in that hell on earth.
(reply to this comment)
From Free-Thinker
Tuesday, May 17, 2005, 10:51


Yeah you`re damn right about that!(reply to this comment

from Shaka
Wednesday, February 04, 2004 - 23:52

Fuck man! You're gonna get me in trouble! I read this right before I had to stand in line for inspection. When the Sarge was in my face all I was thinking about was the shake song and I almost cracked up in his face. Fortunatly the dude next to me was slouching so he started screaming at him. You gotta keep these coming man. They're fuckin' awesome. You're doin' your part for "the men and women defending our country". Sorry, just had to quote good ol' "George Dubya".
(reply to this comment)
from John David
Wednesday, February 04, 2004 - 09:23


oh god this was so hillarious. but you only have five articles! these are too good to have so few of. i remember that goddamn shake shake song. nothing was more mortifying than that idiotic put-people-who'd-rather-not-be-there-on-the-spot.

and i remember that exact feeling when the slow songs started. there was no going back to the wild indian dancing songs after that first slow song started and people started swaying back and forth with their eyes closed.
(reply to this comment)

from tigress
Thursday, September 18, 2003 - 09:06

This is too good, more! more! Trying not to laugh out loud at work!
(reply to this comment)
From Mydestinyismine
Thursday, February 05, 2004, 02:54


Same here. I remember inspirations at Heavenly Heights(Heavenly?yeah, right!) and having to also do the 5th dimension song. Crawling on the floor pretending to be a catipillar about to turn into a butterfly. Gabe was a good teach and the only teacher/shepherd that didn't make we wish for death instead.(reply to this comment

from simpleton
Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 02:00

Excellent stuff! It's too funny (and too true!) that all of us relate so well to such a fucked up version of life. God, if only Grandpa had gotten a revelation or dream that weed was medium to a better connection with God... what a different story we'd have had. Ah, dreams....
(reply to this comment)
from Mir
Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 14:03

(reply to this comment)
from Tim R
Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 02:19

This "Brian" sure had a messed up youth, he should seek therapy.
(reply to this comment)
from katrim4
Tuesday, August 05, 2003 - 18:13


As always, that was hillarious. I could hardly keep a straight face while I read it. People sitting around me at work were starting to ask what was so funny. Good work Spat!
(reply to this comment)

From Spat
Tuesday, August 05, 2003, 19:42


tks Kat

(reply to this comment

From mikio
Wednesday, August 06, 2003, 11:38

yeah, reading it at work too, thankfully everyones on break cuz I've been laughing my ass off. been waiting awhile for another episode(reply to this comment

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