from Prisma - Friday, January 28, 2005
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It goes without saying but for many of us it has been something that we really wish didn’t happened. These ex-cult members’ ramblings, anger, struggles and pain were slowly slipping away and perhaps this calm created a false sense of healing or “moving on” for many of us. It certainly did for me. Moving on is exactly what we wanted and this community space is one outlet to that continual process.
I have been a quiet observer for the past years and only using this forum for a few little vents and re-connecting with positive influences and friendships from my past life. And it is indeed a past life. Ask anyone on this site that knows me personally – I have been very successful at repressing memories and literately recreating a life that is my own and a world that I now see as beautiful and with endless possibilities – I’m an eternal optimist.
I know the plight for peace of mind has been a very different one for me then for most of you on this site. Yes, I was one of the lucky ones. While my siblings and my friends have experiences that pain me to think about I escaped for some reason unknown to me. My only sexual abuse was a form of molestation and external touching of my genitalia - and even this was through my clothes. I thought for a long time I was the only one – I was silently ashamed of my experience. I learned years later when I shared this experience with a female friend that she was raped by an adult male when she was five years old – she was consoled only by the fact that this animal of person was later “ex-communicated” but her scars are still there. And we all know that he was never reported to the authorities.
Peace of mind was something that Ricky never experienced. The people that were responsible for encouraging such abuse were his parents and they were constantly there – they would never be excommunicated. I think about my entire life growing up and in all honesty I have many happy memories of my family enjoying time together and growing up in an exciting place and feeling like kid being able to play with other kids. When I think about never having the chance to be a kid and experience your parents and your friends surrounding you with joy and love - the unadulterated kind - this was something Ricky and many others never got to experience.
If I took as many happy moments in my life and replaced them with hurt, pain, beatings, abusive words and actions, dark moments alone, thoughts of suicide because of the seclusion and the pain of it all. I can only say that I am amazed at how long Ricky was able to bare it all. Its like being terminally ill, handicap with a severe disability to the point that its painful to even breathe, swallow and lye there – wanting nothing more then to end it all. Life without the experience of a single peaceful feeling or thought is no life at all.
I don’t have any agenda for posting this article except to acknowledge to Ricky and those of you who have had similar experiences that I am glad you are not as Ricky put it “just fading away…or running away” – this is a very personal plight for you – you are fighting for your freedom to breathe, to go to bed at night and know that these things are not happening again and that history does not repeat itself. I hope you will continue to have the strength to focus your energy and create that peace for yourself.
I do believe that this is just one step to raising the awareness and stirring up those that have been on the sidelines waiting for someone else to be so brave. As fucked-up as Ricky ended up being through no fault of his own he is the one true, full-proof, pure product of this sadistic cult and its leaders (his parents). If something isn’t done to permanently put Zerby, Peter, and those that sit with behind bars then many more will suffer at the hands of these diabolical, heartless, pathological destroyers of innocence and freedom.
For those of you that are out there speaking for all of us who are unable or unwilling to face the public because of our shame or because of this alternate life we have created for ourselves – you guys are brave and I commend you and thank you.
Albatross, Jules, Sara, Bella, the LaMatterys and others you are putting your lives on hold but I’m confident that you are making that difference. I can only hope that you get the attention of the legislatives to enact change in policy and eventually international law. Zerby, Peter and the leaders should be on trial for crimes of humanity toward the innocent and vulnerable child victims.