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Getting Out : Generations

A few letters to and from a current family member.

from Disturbing Reality - Thursday, July 21, 2005
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I know there are many of you out there that still have parents, friends and siblings in TF. Have you tried to get through to them? Have you sent letters and such in attempt to try and get them to see the real truth? Well I’ve sent several letters to my Dad who is still in TF, and haven’t had much luck. Here are some of the letters I’ve sent along with replies. I was wondering what, if anything, I could do differently to try and get through to him, I’d appreciate any feedback.

Disclaimer: I did not ask him for permission before posting these letters (they are mine) but I’ve EDITED out the names; I don’t feel it’s necessary to name people unless it’s for legal purposes. Note: I left the abusers names, because maybe someone might recognize the names, and frankly I feel no need to protect their identities.

Also, this is kind of a long post, so forgive me, but I felt it needed to be posted in full for anyone who may want to read it.

It all started when I sent him a quick note with a link to “No Regrets: Why I left the Family” by James Penn.


Happy belated Birthday (edit) . ILY! Do you agree with these things? If not, please don't send things around that you're not knowledgeable about through personal experience. People say a lot of things, including lies, when they want to excuse their own choices. But it makes for a sad and miserable life, when you just tear down others but don't do anything yourself. I've heard and seen the other side on these things, and can assure you they are gross, twisted, exaggerations. Love ya'! Hope to hear from you again soon! Love, Dad



I was not even going to bother to reply to this message because it’s obvious that you’re still blinded by TF’s (The Family) beliefs, and I don’t know if there’s is anything I could really say to change your mind. However, I am going to give it a try because I want it put on record that I tried. I believe I’m finally old enough for you to be able to actually listen to and not dismiss what I say because of me being an immature child. This is the main reason I am writing this now and hoping you will actually think about and look into what I’m telling you. I believe our family needs help as well as many other families that have been affected in the same way.

I don’t even know where to start, because there is so much I feel you should be told about but I’m going to try my best to cover all the bases so you can understand where I’m coming from. To begin with, I do believe the article that I sent you to be an honest account of the mans’ experiences during the 27 years that he lived in TF in very close contact with Zerby and Berg (Mo and Maria), if I didn’t I wouldn’t have sent it to you or anyone. I don’t believe in the article just because the man wrote it as fact, but also because I lived it for the 16 years of my childhood spent in TF. I hope that you know that this man who wrote the article is not the only person who has had these kinds of accounts about the leadership of TF over the years. There have been many others that TF has just pictured and portrayed to you all as backsliders and “full of the devil”. To read other people’s accounts you can go to the web site: At this web site you will read hundreds of stories told by ex-members and children of the first generation of members of TF. I do know that people lie all the time but in this case I think you should strongly consider who it is that might be lying to you all. TF could write off maybe 10 cases as being “bitter ex-members wanting to persecute” TF because they don’t have better lives now that they left. However, when there are hundreds or even thousands of us second generation kids saying the same things, can you still write it off with the same excuse of “bitter and angry teens exaggerating”? Beyond the shadow of a doubt?

If you go to the website and there’s still doubts in your mind about kids being abused mentally, physically and sexually while being in TF keep reading this letter. I am one of those kids Dad. I was abused in all three of those ways and have had horrible memories haunting me for years. If you want to read some of those memories here’s some of them I included in two different letters to (EDIT):

“I personally remember 2 individuals that sexually molested me and other girls. One was in Columbia, the name I remember was "Angel". He was a heavy set guy and used to spend a lot of time with us when mom and dad were not around. I dunno if you would remember him. The other one I'm sure you remember, it was in (EDIT) . His name was Pat (other girls that I met later on in the family said that he molested them as well). His wives' name I can't remember if it was (NAME), (NAME) or Love, The last time I saw him was in Mexico.

I wonder if this information would be of any use, please let me know if you remember these guys.”

“You're right, I'm mistaken about the girls. Pat and Love didn't have any kids. I knew I was getting two families confused. Anyways, I saw him last in Mexico and I remember that someone left me alone with him in the same room and all I could think about was how much I wanted to hit the creep over the head with a stupid camera he had in his hand. I know that (NAMES), are girls that I know went through a lot of the same stuff I did while living in that huge home in (CITY).

“In (COUNTRY) that I remember has to be from late 80's to 1990 when we moved to (EDIT).

I remember a lot of instances that happened when we lived in (COUNTRY), but as you said they might not be relevant. I remember once where they beat us all with pbc pipes because no one confessed to making a cup of powder milk with sugar that they found in the bathroom. Later on they found out that it was a maid who had done it I think. I don't recall the names of the Shepard’s of the home in (COUNTRY) but I remember several instances where the Shepard would get us kids together and coach us on how to have sex with his son (I was under seven years old!), (NAME) may remember this because she was there as far as I remember.

In (EDIT) that I remember happened from 1990-1992

I remember a lot of instances where (EDIT) was in trouble in (EDIT). (See my mentality? I say he was in trouble like he may have actually done something wrong. I'II bet what he did was probably not quote the bible verses right or something sick like that.) I remember him being in the "Victors" programs, where they made them dig holes for hours in the big yard in (EDIT), just to fill them back up. I remember instances where the guys would faint from being out in the hot sun digging holes or moving rocks for hours. I remember him being on "silence restriction" all the time. Where he had to wear a sign that said, "I'm on restriction" and he wouldn't be able to talk for weeks at a time. Names of other Teens that I remember that might be able to add more details to these memories are; (EDIT)

About (EDIT), I remember one instance in particular with where they spanked him with a metal coat hanger and he ended up with huge purple bruises on his leg and back. He was only like 5 years old in (EDIT) wasn't he?

I left (EDIT) with Dad and lived in (EDIT) for a while. Try and ask (EDIT) and (EDIT) about (EDIT), cus I know they were always in trouble there too. Dad used to tell me that they were a bad influence. I remember they left while we were living in (EDIT). They must have had a reason to leave while there. While I remember my life Improving drastically when we got to the states, for some reason I don't think it was the same for them. Whatever drove them to leave TF had to have been added to by experiences in the US. I don't remember much about them because I lived in a different home for a while and they were always separated from me because of the age differences.

I'm gonna have to start thinking about what else I remember. These are memories I try not to access very often as they just depress me, I kind of pushed these memories to the back of my mind, but with enough time I'm sure I'll remember a lot more.”

So Dad, do you still think all the second generation kids are grossly exaggerating these stories? You still think we are all lying about what happened to us in TF? Is there still no doubt in your mind that maybe there’s truth in what these kids have to say and even more so what that article said? Believe it or not, kids remember a lot when most of the memories are bad ones. Sadly, most of the memories I have from my childhood are bad memories that I had tried to suppress and forget about. I’ve had many, many problems dealing with everything that I remember happening to me (EDIT) . Not just happening to me, but to all my brothers and sisters. There was even a time that I straight out tried to convince myself that my memories were just delusional imaginations that I had somehow fabricated in my head. You know why I tried convincing myself of that? Because I would look around at all the “normal” kids I knew (my friends in school) and would wonder how all this bad shit could have possibly happened to me and my family, when this kids didn’t even have close to the extent of bad experiences in their life. I convinced myself that it had to be false memories, because no person I knew had ever been through the stuff that I went through, or even close….so I figured it had to be impossible that any of this stuff have gone on without being stopped by hundreds of knowing adults. But then it hit me, you guys were so “well trained” that you all thought it was right. You all blindly accepted everything that Zerby and Berg fed you even though I bet you still, in your heart, had to have had at least a slight inclination to doubt it. Even after I was sure that these stories are real, I was hit with the thought that it didn’t matter. That even if they were true no one would ever be able to prove it, because, it was always gonna be a child’s word against an adult’s word. Also, people in TF don’t use real names, they change them very often as well. But Dad, I’m all grown up now, I’m no longer an insecure child. I’m old enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong. And now that I know we have hope of getting justice for the hundreds (close to thousands) of kids who went through this, I’m gonna try the hardest I can to help out.

Now you’re probably going to sit there and say, oh but even if these things did happen to you and hundreds of kids, they were isolated events and have nothing to do with the leaders of the TF. Well Dad, here’s another website for you; At this website you’re gonna find actual scans of "the Davidito Book" where they clearly condone sexual abuse of children. It's rather sick to think about all the adults, and worse, parents that read this stuff and agreed with it. If they didn't agree with it, they sure didn't disagree with, seeing that they did nothing about it. This isn’t the only publication you had to read in TF about sexual behavior with and between kids being “natural” and “good if done in love”, most of those books were burned in the “purging” of I believe the late 80’s of incriminating books and documents, and yes I do remember this too. Personally, I want to believe that you and Mom don’t believe this shit. I want to believe that if you both looked at this site right now, you would strongly disagree with it and think it is sick and highly illegal behavior. Well Dad, the leaders of TF didn’t only partake in this behavior, they photographed it, documented it, wrote it down in form of a story, printed it on thousands of papers, binded it into hundreds of books, and sent it out to thousands of adults who trusted their every word and believed them with unfailing faith. They fooled so many into believing that this was the word of God. It makes me sick to my stomach looking at and reading those pages.

Ok now, well if you’ve read up to here, I’ll be I’ve cast at least a little doubt in your mind, or at least I sure hope so. If you’re starting to think that maybe I could be “knowledgeable” about this stuff, then you’re right because I’ve done a great deal of research over the past few days.

Here’s another link that could be of interest: At this website you’ll read Ricky’s own words in a bunch of articles he wrote before his untimely death. Zerby’s own son! He writes about his experiences living with Berg and Zerby. Most are very disturbing. You can say he’s lyng, because that’s what Zerby says now, but “actions speak louder than words”. He even had correspondence between him and his mom and Peter posted on the site. If he lived such a loving life, then why would he have any reason to kill himself? Why would he hate his mom so much? I can relate to a lot of his feelings, the difference in my case though, is that my parents may be guilty of being “blind” to everything that went on, while his parents are directly responsible for misleading and misguiding thousands of adults around the world into believing outrageous, sometimes perverted and overall illegal doctrines making them think that it was “the word of God”.

In closing, I would like you to know that I don’t hate either you or Mom. I truly believe you’ve made many mistakes and that in your quest to “save the world” you’ve created many orphans. But I do realize that you two were blinded and somewhat brainwashed into doing what you’ve done to us. I can’t speak for all of us, but I’m willing to bet that we all share the same fears. We have all almost grown up, with kids of our own to raise. My biggest fear right now is not being able to raise a mentally stable child. (EDIT) is not the best kid in the world, but God knows I’ve tried to raise him the best I could with the resources I’ve been given. In raising my son, my biggest concern is that I don’t know how to. I know there are many good things in the way I was raised but it could have had a much better result without all the negative. So as a result, I’ve pretty much tried to raise him the exact opposite way I was raised, hoping to God that I don’t make the same mistakes I think you and Mom made. But it’s difficult, knowing everything I know to block out all the bad, and only practice the good. Believe me it’s hard.

The one thing that I would love most in this world would be that you and Mom could realize what you’re been accomplices to. That mostly you would come to a point where you understand that you’ve made bad choices that have ultimately torn our family apart. We are in need mental help. We have taken what we were given and tried to make it in a money hungry world while at many times suffering mental breakdowns because of it all. I’m sure we’ve all had to deal with thoughts of committing suicide or other violent acts. We’ve been horrible to each other at many instances, hating and resenting one another for a long time. Some of us aren’t even on speaking grounds because of all the resentment between us, and whether you want to believe it or not, TF has a lot if not everything to do with it, all of it!

I love you both a lot, but I need to know that you’re sorry for making us endure what we’ve had to throughout our lives and that you’re willing to make amends with us all. I’m not writing this letters to tell you that everything you’ve done has been wrong, but I am trying to point out those wrong things. On a happy note, I do have good memories too. Those memories are Mostly in (EDIT) , of helping poor underprivileged children in orphanages and so on. TF is right on those things, someone needs to make a difference in this cruel world we live in, and there are many ways of doing so while not forgetting about our own families. Does it really justify itself to help out those kinds of kids while at the same time ignoring your own?

I hope you really read this letter and can understand to a certain extent where I’m coming from on all this. I hope to hear from you soon. Love you lots!


Dear (EDIT) , GBY! Thanks for writing back. You mentioned some things about your personal eperiences I never heard before, things which were addressed in Letters even before you experienced them, and shown to be wrong and not what we teach or preach. Some of Dad's writings which were controversial, though definitley not abusive, as some state, were mis-interpreted by some. This is not to say I'm not sorry for any wrong treatment you received, or your brothers or sisters for that matter. Just please keep it in context, as when I asked (EDIT) , for example, when he was 17 or 18, what his feelings were about the things the Family was being accused of, he said: "Dad, there are more wierdos in my little high school than all the Family put together." You have to remember that the Family is a volunteer fellowship, and people can manage to "pass through" that really aren't dedicated missionaries, though certainly much less now than the 15-20 years ago that you are talking about. Where you have to be careful is when you begin to consider your limited personal information as being the norm, even if you have communicated with some disgruntled and vocal people. Unfortunately it is the bad that makes news, and then when situations are corrected, that goes more or less un-noticed and un-reported, as that doesn't serve their purpose or ends. And sensationalist press doesn't help. I'm passing you on a link here, so you can begin to hear from others of your generation who are more positive, or even still in the Family, people who had first hand knowledge of some of the situations which you've heard about.

(EDIT) , I'd like to ask if in future communications you could be even a little more specific in what actually happened to you personally, or what others living with us told you personally. Most of those people you mentioned, if not all, are no longer even in the Family. (EDIT) is in WS, and I have seen and talked with him within the last year, and he is very happy and fulfilled, obviously having overcome anything negative from the past. I also met Angela several times, and she was the sweetest person you'd ever want to meet, very caring an friendly-surprisingly so. This is what it really comes down to, if you are going to let bitterness over past events drag you down now, or overcome. Again I say, I'm very sorry for anything you experienced personally that was exaggerated or harsh, but that has been corrected years ago in the Family. The things done were not espoused in the Letters-they were excesses and abuses that also occur in the world in general, and I would say, at a much higher rate per capita, as the Family is mainly composed of individuals who want to help their fellow man and help change the world for the better. Any others don't last in our fellowship for long, and many haven't-almost 2/3 to be exact.
Anyway, thanks for writing. I love you and pray for you and everyone there often. Love, Dad



If you give a person several step by step handbooks on how to prepare and eat a certain food, something they’ve never tried before, using explicit pictures and examples convincing them that it is the right thing to do, that it’s “gods will” and they prepare it and eat it, then you take the book away, and tell them that you were wrong, that it’s a very wrong thing to do. Do you think that it changes the fact that they already did what you told them was “god’s will”? And what if they liked it? Do you think that simply telling them it’s “now” wrong to do, will stop them from wanting it or eating it?

TF leaders did exactly that, they told people it was ok to sexually molest children, they gave them several handbooks on how to do it, with pictures and live examples. They then took it all back, took the book away (purging), told them it was morally wrong, and just assumed that the problem was over with. Well, that’s not the result it had. They created child molesters where there might not have been (who knows if those people would have done it before they were told that it was “gods” will?), and in turn created criminals where there didn’t have to be. Child molestation and child abuse is against the law, plain and simple. You say that TF family dealt with all of this before the things ever happened to me, but it’s not true. Although they may have taken away the books about sexual abuse, the mental and physical abuse was never fully taken back. TF didn’t deal with anything; the only thing they accomplished was to cover up their own asses legally and blame the “individuals” in TF who “didn’t understand, or misinterpreted” the publications. They didn’t turn anyone in to the authorities, they didn’t investigate and find out how many kids had gotten abused, and to this day they haven’t offered any of the children that were affected any sort of help.

Did you even bother going to the sites I put there for you did you Dad? And if you did, what are your specific replies to the different issues I brought up? You don’t have the time for your own family? I find it ironic that the group that you have given your entire life to is called “the family”…what family are they referring to? They want you to give up your entire family to help others? Who is supposed to help your own family? Are you just going to forget about your family? The nine of us that you created, which are supposedly “blessings from god”? We’re just supposed to fend for ourselves? They don’t allow you care about your own family?

We have tried for years to adjust to a “normal” or as you would say a “systemite” life and have had many problems. I think you should be able to take the time from your life to try and figure out what you can do for your own children that are having trouble. I don’t see that we are asking too much. You’ve made TF your priority for many, many, years and I doubt that God would be too upset if you were to take some time to help your own family out. Or just to try and understand us, and really look into everything we’re saying. You said, “It's the third party stuff I have a hard time with, as I can't tell what's really true, and I know most of it is very one-sided, like all negative, and I know it's not the way things were meant to be.” I don’t understand what you’re trying to say but it sounds a lot like you’re saying that you don’t believe us. We’re not telling you things that we were told happened; we’re telling you what we directly saw, experienced, and remember happening. Personally, I’ve rarely talked to anyone about the experiences that I went through in TF (and when I have, it hasn’t been with TF Members), therefore I have not formed my opinions on what happened by what others have said; everything that I mentioned are memories of my own that I saw, experienced and remember happening to me and my brothers and sisters while in TF.

No one is telling you that what you chose to do with your own life is wrong, helping people in third world countries is, in theory, a great thing that needs to be done. But take some time to get to know your own personal family too. In the end, when it is all said and done, will you really be completely satisfied with your life? Yeah you’ve done great things in third world countries and have either directly or indirectly helped change a lot of people’s lives, but what about your own family? We’re not “backsliders” or “full of the devil”, because we never chose to be in Tf in the first place. In fact, as soon as most of us got old enough to be able to form our own opinions on life we chose to get out of TF. You choose to do whatever you want with your life, but you can’t expect your kids to follow the same tracks. The point here is that no, we didn’t want to be in TF, we chose to follow our own dreams and do what we will be the happiest doing in the long run, and you should be able to help us and encourage us to follow our own dreams. Will you really be happy and fulfilled in the end when you realize that your own family needed help and you weren’t able or willing to provide it?

I just wish you could realize that we’re just asking for help before our family completely falls apart. Love lots.


(EDIT), I truly am sorry for anything you suffered in your younger years, (EDIT). But the expunged books you refer to were never "manuals" teaching teaching child molestation. All they had were some pictures of semi-naked women (ie. from the waist up), which at that time in the world was a lot more acceptable. As far as my spanking some of you too strongly, I am sorry about that, and any emotional distress you felt as a result. I later found-through Family publications-that I was being too strict, and I tried to make that up to you all, asking each of your forgiveness even back then, though you seem to not remember. As for having time for you, (EDIT), you should remember I went to search you out in (EDIT). Unfortunately, I don't have the funds to go around and visit you all again like I did then. But if it were possible for you to visit here, you would be welcome, of course, respecting my lifestyle and faith. Please remember, I am still near you, and you actually chose to leave, so I don't know how you interpret my being faithful to God's call in my life as not caring about you. anyway, it seems like you're yielding to a pretty negative current in the media and from other spheres up there, and I can only warn you it has a bitter end. They are not trying to help anybody, but rather just destroy, so please pray you can have a more balanced, healthy view of things, and leave the past behind. Remember the good, and ask god to help you forgive the things that weren't right, as continuing to carry them with you is like self-torture. anyway, I do love you all. More later. Love, Dad

“anyway, it seems like you're yielding to a pretty negative current in the media and from other spheres up there, and I can only warn you it has a bitter end. They are not trying to help anybody, but rather just destroy, so please pray you can have a more balanced, healthy view of things, and leave the past behind. Remember the good, and ask god to help you forgive the things that weren't right, as continuing to carry them with you is like self-torture.”
Negative because there are other people who feel the same way as I do and I can relate to their stories? Negative because it goes against what you have been taught in TF? Or negative because frankly, you don’t see anything wrong in the way I was raised and think I’m just a bitter teen wanting to “destroy” TF?
Dad, I’m not out to “get” or “destroy” the family. I’m simply a 22 year old girl (your daughter) who went through a lot of shit while growing up and has been negatively affected by it on an emotional level. I don’t see where keeping in contact with other kids who went through the same stuff is a negative influence on me, and I don’t believe it will have a “bitter end”.
However, I’m not going to continue this discussion because honestly, I don’t see a point. It’s falling on deaf ears. I was not expecting you to be so incentive to your own daughter, and realizing this, I don’t see how talking to you about it will ever change your views.
So, I will continue to struggle through life and do whatever I can to try and help myself and others who have gone through the same things as me, and you’ll go about your life “saving all the lost souls”.
Maybe one day you’ll realize how important your family should be to you, but until then, good luck!

I still haven’t gotten any reply to this one, any suggestions? Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to express both sides of the story here, so you could get the whole picture.

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from sarafina
Thursday, August 18, 2005 - 14:36

I just finally got time to read through this. I think it’s so good that you tried. It is sad to read the responses your dad sent back. I’ve had similar conversations w/ my dad who responds the same way and he’s not even in the family. Even the personal things that happened to me or my siblings he seems to have no recollection of. It’s like they zapped all those events or incidences out of their minds. Maybe it’s some kind of survival method, anything that they saw or did that they questioned or doubted has been put away like it never happened. I guess it makes it easier to live with yourself when you don’t remember things; otherwise you’d have a lot of guilt to deal with. It’s so frustrating sometimes.

Just for example after the current affair interview where I mention seeing boobs at the dinner table as a child my Dad calls me up calling me a liar, saying “we NEVER lived in ANY homes where anyone was topless. I was shocked! I still can’t believe he said that. I personally remember two different places and when I talked to my sisters they remembered even more. But he seriously can’t remember anything, he finally came to the conclusion that maybe WE were there but he wasn’t and that he must have been off on some carpentry job at another school (or something) and we left it at that. It is so odd, how is it that every time we lived in a place where women were topless or wearing nothing but a sarong and panties somehow he miraculously just happened to not be there.

Anyways I’ve tried before discussing/arguing about it all and I’ve given up on him for now as far as that goes. He’s a good father otherwise and at least he left the cult for his kids as he didn’t want to be away from them. We were all leaving or wanted to and he wanted to be with us. Even if he didn’t leave because he saw them for what they really are, even though he may still defend them at times, even though he still believes that they are missionary doing gods work, I still love him for the fact that he put his kids above that stupid group for once and actually put his personal feelings of service to them aside to be a good father and try to insure happiness of his kids. I’ll give him that much. A little late, but as the saying goes I guess it is “better late then never”

I hope things work out for you, I’m proud of the way you stood up and confronted those issues with him, maybe one day he will start to think about those letters you wrote…maybe, one day, we will have our families back. Take care, and thanks for sharing those, it’s nice to know you’re not the only one sometimes.
(reply to this comment)
From Coolfire
Friday, August 19, 2005, 05:01

It just shows you how deep the indoctrination was, we were indoctrinated just to take things like topless, for example, as natural and normal. When you have that mind set, you can easlily forget, at least THOSE pair of boobs. ONly things unusual and weird, outstanding are remembered, and that is why you all remember your abuse as horrible, becasue to you it was
a traumatic horrible experience, but to the abusers it was everyday life. They were indoctrinated to just think of it as
everyday acceptable life style. Real sick and evil. MOst of them must have spiritual Alzheimers disease, they don't remember becasue they don't WANT to remember. So that's why you guys need to keep reminding them, becasue I think there is still some small spark of faint vague memory somewhere and if you keep hammering away at it, their is a good chance the memory will come back. It's like dealing with a bunch of amnesia cases for God' sake.(reply to this comment
from Aghast
Wednesday, August 17, 2005 - 19:25

Thanks for your post. I think it was more than fair. Your dad's replies were typical. Not unusual. trying to somehow say he is sorry and then still defending Berg. You cannot have both. People who keep defending Berg are not sorry for anything. But I know how your dad feels, he wants to be sorry , but at he same time
he is afraid to lose his "crown" he thinks he is going to get if he stays in TF. Its only a crown of broken glass anyway.
You got a lot of guts, kid I wish parents in the F knew how to talk to their kids instead of preaching. It's gotten as bad as the church system they preach against, or even worse. So cultish. But at least you got communication going. It takes time for us to see it, the indoctrination went deep. The fear , the condemnation. It goes deep. So it will take time but dont give up hope.
(reply to this comment)
From Disturbing Reality
Thursday, August 18, 2005, 08:40

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.

However, I do not think that my dad is trying to honestly apologize at all. I believe that he only put those words of attempted apology in that letter in order to cover his ass because he’s never done it before and it was overdue. If I never would have brought this issue up, I doubt I would have ever read an apology from him.

In my opinion, his apology was given for the much the same reason that Zerby and her crews have issued any apologies for us all, that reason being, that they feel forced to. They see no other choice. To get us to shut up, they feel the only thing they can do is write half assed apologies. That way when I try to claim that he hasn’t sincerely apologized, he’ll throw this letter in my face and say, “see, I did right there”.

I am thankful, that at least his letter was directed to me, while the ones Zerby has issued have either been addressed to current family members (in the form of GN’s), TS’ers (or however they may be called nowadays), and to “whomever believes they may have been abused while in TF”; never, directly to anyone who HAS been abused while in TF. I see Zerby as a total coward, her and her crew, and she’s making a coward out of my father too.

My dad used to stand up for good causes, think for himself, and genuinely care about his family. Nowadays, he’s a cold heartless person, who may as well not even acknowledge the fact that he has 9 kids. (reply to this comment
From Coolfire
Friday, August 19, 2005, 05:14

I read his profile. Sounds like he is real proud of what he does and has accomplished. It takes real humility to admit you were wrong. I am having to do that now after many years of beleiving I was fighting for the right cause. I still have a long ways to go to learn humility, but I know that is the only way these problems will be solved. Parents just can't keep blamming their kids and looking down so self righteously at them. Parents need to have unconditional love for their kids even if they do not see eye to eye. I have to admit I have learned a great deal about your hearts from reading many of the posts on this site. I am not trying to bridge any gaps, thats a personal matter , but I am just expressing the fact that I understanding more now than before, Your posts to your father spoke to my heart.Thanks (reply to this comment
from This is what your dad's reply should read
Thursday, July 28, 2005 - 12:36


EDIT), I truly am sorry for everything you suffered in The Family and under my control, (EDIT). The expunged books you refer to WERE manuals teaching child molestation. They had pictures of naked women, which is never acceptable. As far as my spanking some of you too strongly, I am so sorry about that, and any emotional distress and abuse you felt as a result. Because I'd been too stupid to think for myself, I later had to find-through Family publications-that I was being too strict, and I tried to cover my ass by making it up to you all, and I think I asked each of your forgiveness, though we both seem to not remember. As for having time for you, (EDIT), you're absolutely correct. You even might remember one time when I went to search you out in (EDIT) but then dumped you later on in life. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds to go around and visit you all again like I did then, because I gave my life to a cult. But I will work till my dying day to pay for you to visit here, you would be welcome, and of course, I will respect your lifestyle and your faith. I will do anything to be back in your life. You so brilliantly actually chose to leave TF on your own. I now understand how you interpret my wanting to be faithful to God's call in my life as not caring about you, and you're absolutely correct. Anyway, it seems like I've been yielding to a pretty negative current in The Family and from other spheres down there, and I can only warn you it has a bitter end, I'm getting old and have no retirement, no mansion and no Jesus' return that I banked on, I don't even have the respect of my children. TF is not trying to help anybody, but rather just destroy, so please pray I can have a more balanced, healthy view of things, and work on mending our past. I wish you could only Remember the good, but please ask god (it's "God" with a capital "G" mother fucker) to help you forgive me as I will have to continue to carry my past with me for my self-torture. Please accept my sincerest apology and let me know how to start returning your life back to you. Love Dad.

(reply to this comment)

From shoulda, woulda, coulda....
Thursday, July 28, 2005, 18:19

But it wasn't.

The way I see it, it was not an apology at all. He apologizes and then puts a "BUT" followed by a sickening explanation of the Ditto Books. I vaguely remember hearing in TF "no buts, just do it!" Yes, I think I was told that almost every single day, by every uncle and aunt. Oh, and apologies, “do it like you mean it!” If you don’t apologize like you meant it you would keep getting beat with a specially made wooden or Plexiglas paddle (with cut holes in it to make it go faster and pick up more force).

He needs to start using his brain and not just quoting what Zerboid and her minions tell him to say.(reply to this comment
from Rain Child
Thursday, July 28, 2005 - 05:54

I wish I could be as honest and courageous as you are. I just accept that my Dad's never going to see things any other way than what he reads in the letters, and leave it at that. It doesn't really hurt too much anymore because I gave up on him long ago. I still love him very much, but without any hope of him ever just being his real self.
(reply to this comment)
from Phoenixkidd
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 - 17:01

Geez I thought my Dad was bad. He will never send an email. Just these long preachy letters, how he's getting old and misses us kids so much. BTW he will mail us all the same letter photocopied to about 4 of us kids and the Grandparents and Aunt and Uncle, Guess he figures he communicates. For awhile I wasn't even replying him back we just didn't want to hear anymore psychobabble. I told him so over the phone and through mail, after he was wondering why we never wrote.
(reply to this comment)
From Disturbing Reality
Wednesday, July 27, 2005, 06:03

Don’t worry, my dad is the same. This is the first actual email conversation I’ve had with my dad in years. He usually just forwards those stupid newsletters TF sends out every few days. Never a hi, how are you, what are you doing, just forwarding junk mail. This time he responded because I was sending around an article that speaks bad of the organization he’s spent his life protecting, the organization he gave up his wife and children for. Other than these and the forwarded messages, I could count his emails to me over the last 6 years on two hands.(reply to this comment
From Disturbing Reality
Wednesday, July 27, 2005, 06:55


...and Happy Birthday, by the way.(reply to this comment

From sarafina
Wednesday, July 27, 2005, 19:39

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Yes! A big Happy Birthday to you with lots of hugs! You've come a long way.

Whenever I think about how far I am behind everyone I just take my Birthday to look back and see how far I've actually come from where I started.

I have to say thats one thing I truly love about being free is we get to have our own Birthdays and not have to share them with everyone the same month as you, with no presents.

(reply to this comment

From shared birthday
Wednesday, July 27, 2005, 20:45

My birthday, December 26th, was never celebrated until I left. When I dared to question this I remember being asked if, "Do you really wanted to take the spotlight off Jesus and shine it on yourself". Ahhh it's good to be free. (reply to this comment
From The most important day of your life.
Thursday, July 28, 2005, 05:39

That's disturbing. How could they tell a child that his birthday is not important? I also used to share b-days with every other Taurus or Gemini born in May, but at least they celebrated it. No presents and always a home made caked with no topping but at least it was celebrated. That's really sick how they could tell you that your birthday isn't as important as anyone else’s (I don't care if it's Hitler’s or Jesus’ Birthday), yours is just as important!(reply to this comment
From The most important day of your life.
Thursday, July 28, 2005, 05:39

That's disturbing. How could they tell a child that his birthday is not important? I also used to share b-days with every other Taurus or Gemini born in May, but at least they celebrated it. No presents and always a home made caked with no topping but at least it was celebrated. That's really sick how they could tell you that your birthday isn't as important as anyone else’s (I don't care if it's Hitler’s or Jesus’ Birthday), yours is just as important!(reply to this comment
From Rain Child
Thursday, July 28, 2005, 05:30

My Sister's birthday, February 16, fell within the Fast (before Grandpa's Birthday) every year for a long time, so there was no cake for her!(reply to this comment
From katrim4
Thursday, July 28, 2005, 08:03


Fasting on your birthday, how depressing.

I used to hate having to go out and provision my own (or anyone elses for that matter) birthday cake.

I'll never forget one birthday that I spent at a school home. After my birthday had come and gone and I hadn't heard so much as a "happy birthday" from a single person, the cook, who I knew from a previous home, brought me a slice of cake that the adults had had the night before. I was so touched. Not even my parents had remembered.(reply to this comment

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 - 11:18

I know the feeling. I thought your letters were good. May I suggest that you switch tactic and get him to "see" things from your perspective, without asking him to "change" his.
Also when he denies- for instance "The davidito handbook" send him a copy of the bits you can lay your hands on. My Dad tried to deny that Zerby and Rick were the two endtime witnesses as predicted in "endtime witnesses".
(reply to this comment)
from Just a girl
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 - 06:54

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

If I were in your position, I'd hunker down for the long haul and develop a different strategy. It's pointless trying to convince him that your version of reality is "true" while his version of the truth is a lie, because he's got a kazillion defenses against your arguments.

I am by no means an expert on cult mind control, but I am convinced that your father's problem is situated in his medial prefrontal cortex. Meaning, he's got some deeply imbedded alternative algorithms playing out in the part of his head responsible for reasoning & critical thinking.

The alternative strategy I'd suggest is to accept him just as he is, and look for "teachable" moments when his medial prefrontal cortex isn't on autopilot. When you see those little glimmerings of light like someone is home and somewhat engaged in trying to use his mind, learn to ask provocative questions to which he doesn't have a ready-made answer. To learn how to do this, start reading articles about "deprogramming" at the Rick Ross website.

Since your main contact with him appears to be through the mail, you may have limited opportunity to jump-start the dormant pathways in his brain that are used for critical thinking; however, as time passes, your father will increasingly face the realities of aging. What this means is that he will become more & more vulnerable. Learn to look for opportunities when his mental guard is down and the autopilot is out to lunch.
(reply to this comment)

From Rain Child
Thursday, July 28, 2005, 05:37

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Hey, that's exactly what's going on with my dad too! He came to visit me after I had my baby, and sometimes I actually thought he was crazy! He was in my city, stopping people on the street and asking them if they believed in love, handing them tracts, and babbling about heaven! I was absolutely mortified. When I offered him some chewing gum, he gave me a disapproving look and said, "You know what the policy on that is." but there are moments of lucidity where the real him flickers on, and these moments are rare and precious to me. I love him with all my heart, but ever since I can remember he's been so unquestioningly brainwashed, and I ache for him to be free.(reply to this comment
From I see crazy people.....
Thursday, July 28, 2005, 18:25


They are everywhere, they walk and talk just like you and me, they don't even know they are crazy.

Lol, my Dad did the same when he came to visit me (3 years ago). It's pretty embarassing to have to say, "oh yeah, he's my dad" when he's blabbing about "heaven" and "jesus' tender loving sperm filling you to the brim!"(reply to this comment

From Disturbing Reality
Tuesday, July 26, 2005, 08:26

Thanks for the replies. Just one question, do you have a link to Rick Ross' Site? (reply to this comment
From here you go
Tuesday, July 26, 2005, 11:00

Agree/Disagree?) to this comment
From Disturbing Reality
Wednesday, July 27, 2005, 05:53

Thanks!(reply to this comment
from A River in Egypt
Monday, July 25, 2005 - 23:08


Denial is a sad thing isn't it? Good for you for trying.

You should just tell your dad this:

"There is no God in the Family, there never was God in the Family. You wasted your entire life taking orders from pedophiles and abusers, now we, your children, are going to put those monsters in jail."
(reply to this comment)

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