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Getting Out : Generations

Old Timers

from evanman - Wednesday, December 08, 2004
accessed 1388 times

Are we all hated?

Some thoughts from an ex-member.

I wasn't born in the Family, I was one who joined. I joined when the "Family" was officially called "Children of God".

When I joined "Litnessing" hadn't been invented, we went out onto the streets with guitars and talked to people about Jesus.

Few had ever met "Mo", much less seen a photo.

Over time we were introduced into the concepts of Ff and "sharing". These were given "by revelation" from the "mouthpiece of God himself". For many of us we wouldn't dream of rejecting the words of the "prophet". We had handed over our entire beings to this monstrosity of Berg and Zerby's creation. We were indoctrinated into rejecting truth and conscience in order to be Berg's Clones.

I was 18 when I joined. I was a lonely, introverted, sad individual who had been the victim of abuse as a child, and had a depressive illness (although I didn't know I was ill until 6 years ago, I'm now 50).

After 6 1/2 years my weight was down to less than 140 pounds, I was physically and emotionally wrecked. After leaving the "family" with my wife (one baby boy and a second child on the way), life was much better. We were eating three meals a day, sleeping in beds (we had often slept rough on the streets). Eventually I was given a copy of Deborah's book. I was horrified by what I read because I could see what I would have soon become hadn't I left the "family" when I did.

Since leaving I have had two breakdowns and have attempted suicide. At present I am unable to work fulltime, partly owing to a damaged back and partly down to depressive illness.

I can't take back my past. I can only seek forgiveness from those who I have affected personally.

Even we old timers have been damaged. We did "choose" to join, we do have responsibility for our actions. We seek forgiveness and offer regrets. We are all trying to put our lives together.

Reader's comments on this article

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from survivor
Sunday, January 02, 2005 - 09:08

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I know that people that survive abuse are candidates for getting drawn up into a cult and so are youth in general because they are at a life stage where they are examining their reason for being. One thing I have to say is that because a person is abused as a child does not mean they will be an abuser. In fact, for many, they try very hard to get help and not be anything like the people they came from. Usually, without seeking help they will likely be victimized again or be a victimzer. If how abusive a person was in the family is measured by their prior abuse, or if being abused meant they were not decent people, then every SG that posts here would be an abuser and not decent which is obviously NOT the case. Many FG who came from abusive backgrounds did not become monsters in the family. Some did. So did some that came from pretty normal backgrounds. Karen Zerby comes to mind. What a psycho she became. Go figure.
(reply to this comment)

from Fish
Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 09:16

All I can say is that you showed idiocy to join and showed courage to leave. I donít hate FGAs per say, I respect the ones who have the guts to admit they were wrong, instead of ďholding onĒ and hoping to be vindicated some day. It isnít easy to concede to yourself that you wasted a good portion of your life and you donít really believe in much anymore. It was difficult for me, and I was born into it. So good for you, you chose truth. However, just out of curiosity, donít you think that you would have been happier if you still had faith in the familyís (your) beliefs? I know this seems like a moronic question but think about it. Ill bet somewhere you still wish you had that faith. Thatís why you joined in the first place. And if you were to somehow believe again, you would rejoin abuse or no. Thats what makes you and your kind (ex FGAs) somewhat pitiful.
(reply to this comment)
From evanman
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 09:48


I believe in Jesus Christ. I reject Berg's ideas, especially his demented revelations.

I trully believe that the worst sins are those committed in the name of Jesus, and I have done my fair share.

You are right, I was an idiot to join.

I do not regret ever having left and have no desire to go back to that idiocy!(reply to this comment

From Fish
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 18:32

Yes, but are you happy now?(reply to this comment
from exister
Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 07:31

I would argue that you were damaged long before you joined the Family. It is not entirely surprising that you joined though. Those who were abused as children frequently find themselves drawn into situations in which they can replicate their abuse on others. Given this fact I would not be surprised to discover that an abnormally high percentage of FG members suffered abusive childhoods. It is only sad that so few of them had the courage and introspective capacity to BREAK THE FUCKING CYCLE!
(reply to this comment)
From Vicky
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 07:44

I agree with you, exister, but I do think there were some who joined TF who were not necessarily damaged any more than the average person is. I don't wish to start another discussion on the levels of responsibility of those who willingly joined and continue to stay in TF, because I don't feel it is possible to rationalise and standardise without knowing specifics of each individual situation. However I do think that there were some people who joined for other reasons than as a result of abusive upbringings. I don't know about everyone else, but I did know a few decent people in TF who obviously were deluded and messed up, but without the abusive tendencies that so many others showed.(reply to this comment
From exister
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 09:37

Yeah, and there's a handful of nice people in The Joint. What's your point?(reply to this comment
From Vicky
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 11:26

My point...? Ummm, I don't know. As usual I just wrote what came into my head. (reply to this comment
From Fish
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 09:44

The point is that there is no freaking point.(reply to this comment
From evanman
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 07:37


Thanks for your comments.

I don't know many people that aren't damaged these days. Sadly where I live there are so many damaged people, the cycle just continues.

It IS hard to break the cycle of abuse, however it is NOT impossible.

One thing, tho', I am uncomfortable with the use of F-words, i see no need for it, trust you won't mind.(reply to this comment

From exister
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 09:14

Do you live in New Jersey?(reply to this comment
From Vicky
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 07:48


I am sure that exister won't mind if you don't use the F-word. However, unfortunately for you we can generally use whatever expressions we deem appropriate on this site, so you might have to put up with a bit of 'naughty language.'

(reply to this comment

From MM
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 09:49

I think Vicky is just being nice..... I think you all that joind are sick, and the fact that you left is good, but does it mean you are healed? becuse if you are not TF needs ppl, soldders for christ.... hehe!! So that WS can make more monney. form 1 million to 2 million the more the better..... (reply to this comment
from kats
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 19:16


Thou I hate what has hapend to me, its sometimes hard to put the blame on any one, (I am totaly speaking for myself here, so down every one, it is only my opinion) thou my perents joind the cog, I dont blame them for it. My dad was a 19 year old rebelius hippie and what better way to piss off his athiest dad then to join a christan org. my mom was 17 and fell inlove after meeting my dad and the only way to be with him was to join so... my dad isent a member any more but mom is. i cant blame her she was a good little christan girl from a good christan famliy that got mestup in the wrong crowd and she has been treated badly the hole time shes been there. the worst part is that she thinks she is beeing ponished for beeing out of the lords will. the point is most of the "old time members" have been longer in the cog then out, almost all joind at an age when hormones was the most important thing on there brain no one accualy cared for there future, most are brain washed and accualy belive that thay are doing a good thing.

the famliy has an tendancy to pray on thous who are deprest, and in need of help and worst of all teenagers that havent figured them selves out and are seseptabel to any thing that offers an easy way out! I applaud u for beaing abel to realize ur mistake and and chage it with ur famliy. i wold love to get my mom out and hopfuly one day she will leave but as the situation looks now its probably wont happen.

but heres to hopeing right!!!!

sorry for the spelling im dislexic and dont understand this frikin spell check!

(reply to this comment)

From evanman
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 06:07


I feel for you in your situation, I can also relate to your Mum's feelings too.

I used to pray to God to help me persevere, thinking that if anything went wrong for me it was all my fault, now I realise it was down to the Life style of the cult, and the unwholesome measage i had put my trust in.

Don't worry about your dyslexia, my middle son has dyslexia too.(reply to this comment

from Phoenixkidd
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 14:19

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I feel for you older FirstGen Guy, my parents are still in. My Dad joined when he was 18 and never visited my parents except once in the past 30 years. He is definitely brainwashed and if he for once decided to entertain thoughts of leaving he would have to compromise his whole life and everything he is for the past 30 years. I brought my Mom over to visit the States last Summer, thinking that it might open her eyes to see how easy it is to live and start over again here compared to Japan but she showed no signs of wanting to leave even though her health had greatly deterrioated since the last time I saw her. I feel for all the exers who are in these types of relationships where one wants to stay and the other doesn't and it just seems so hard to leave, but they have to start somewhere. I applaud all the first gen members who had the guts to leave after 20 years or so of being boggged down in that cult.
(reply to this comment)
From evanman
Thursday, December 16, 2004, 06:14


It is a fearful thing to leavve. First thing is admitting that you were wrong about many things--especially "Dad"!

I felt a bit like Wylee Coyote chasing Road Runner. Suddenly I looked down and the ground i had been walking on had dissappeared beneath my feet and i went plummetting down to the bottom of a huge, deep canyon!

I had learnt to distrust everything and everyone outside of the group, leaving the group meant unlearning it all.

I have learned to trust again. It has been a very painful experience.

I will pray for you and them.(reply to this comment

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