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Getting Out : Leaving

Thoughts from a backslider….

from pharmaboy - Monday, August 19, 2002
accessed 1834 times

What a title, I know this subject has been address 100s of times here, but I’m so glad I’ve been told about this site ‘cause I really felt like I was going crazy! I’m not the only one, & that’s relieving….

I’ll tell you a bit about my background, & it’s not a sob story. I have found that blaming all my problems on my past will not get me anywhere, and no, other than the usual things a kid growing up in the Family goes though, I wasn’t sexually abused or anything major…

I left the family officially around a year ago, but had been living alone & going to school (junior & high school) for around 8 yrs., I would occasionally go live in family homes during summer months & truly believed they were the ones. The only future I saw was with the family. I won’t go further into that because you all know that part already from personal experience, all I would like to write about is my search for something to believe in…

At 12, I had just gone TS with my folks, & the first seed of “doubt” was planted, it was weird living alone, we were out of gods will, etc.

14, got really into music, evil system music, I guess that was my form of rebellion back then, I was your typical angry teenager & Metallica’s Master of Puppets was THE album! Oh, and I would’ve tried any sort of pill or powder available(good thing nothing but weed was available, I was just too naïve…)

16, still in & out of homes, A junior pothead, Metal & skinhead music was all I listened to, Also got really into Nazism & started shaving my head. Had a short alcoholic period, but I grew to hate alcohol(except low doses..) But I didn’t really fit in with that group, they were similar to the family in that you were not encouraged to think with your own head & use the intelligence god gave you. It was more like: “become one of us, & then believe what we say 100%, don’t ask any questions”

17, slowly growing out of the skinhead thing, now into thai-boxing & jogging, I started reading a lot. Books like George Orwell’s 1984, Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight club(I loved this book, still do!). I wasn’t fitting into my stereotype that everyone else in the “normal” world was. Hell, I’m a guy, should be macho, tough, like to watch soccer on Sunday & drink beer. I really hate getting drunk & soccer is boring.. Love weed & Xanax or pain-killers.

18, I started to like electronic music, because of E. I still read a lot, love speed&Ritalin, at least tweaking I would feel motivated & would get things done. Rolling at least for the time in the club, there was that love, yes it was chemical, but for those hours it was real to me. I never made many friends, except other dissidents in the fam or ex. Usually they were on the other side of the globe, & people at work, gym or school thought I was an interesting freak show, but not really normal(to them)…

19, a book that became like a bible to me was Chuck Palahniuk’s Survivor, I strongly recommend that book to ex-fam’s, it’s so on the point. I mean the family is a dead-end, but what about the “normal’ world? What to live for? Religion, no thank you, been there done that. Let go & just give in to total hedonism? Sorry, I just don’t see that as reason for staying alive. Make a lot of money in the evil corporate world? That’s where I work now, but I can’t see that as a reason to get out of bed every morning, I mean, my boss will be telling me: “ you’re intelligent, if you work at it you’ll become something one day” , but I can’t even pretend to be “inspired” about it. I’ve been on 4 different anti-depressants, but nothing really works…

20, working, seemingly everything’s ok, but it’s not, just a constant feeling like I’m lying to myself. There is no happy ending, there’s no beginning, it’s all useless. I was tripping the other day & I could talk about this to a friend tripping with me, but even gone he couldn’t get it. Anyways then we started laughing at the TV & I forgot what I was saying, LOL!!

Am I just running away from God? From his highest calling? I don’t know, but I’m not going back that’s for sure, I just want to find a reason for existing….

Reader's comments on this article

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from I think...
Sunday, February 23, 2003 - 19:13

What keeps me (semi) sane, and getting out of bed in the morning is my family. I think that really the most important thing in life, what to live for, is the love of your family. Whether it be sister or brother, mother or father, significant other or your children. Those who stand by us, regardless of who we are or what we have chosen in life...that is love, and that is what is worth living for, nothing else.
(reply to this comment)
from conan
Monday, February 17, 2003 - 11:26

I started having doubts about my line of work when I was six years old and entered a "retard" facility for the first time. Showing "God's Love" to these drueling unfortunates was not something that I could do as a six year old and decided that I didn't want to stay in the Family. I of course dismissed these thoughts as the devil for years until i was about fifteen years old. There was a major earthquake where I was at the time and after going out to do relief work, I ended up becoming the unofficial camp counseler and the tent city we were working at. (Don't ask me why) It was while talking to most of these young people, most of whom were older than me, that I realized that I couldn't help them. Duh. My point being that I couldn't help them from a religious point of view. How could I tell them that I truly believed that their best freinds had died as part of god's "greater plan" for us all. What a load of crap. When I stepped away from religious issues and just tried to reason and analyze what was happening, shit started to make sense. The reason I was disillusioned was because of my skewed religious point of view. I stopped believing although I remained in a home in the group for another year and a half. I love to read, always have. Around this time I read a book by Tom Robbins. This is probably the most significant book that I have ever read which defined for me the folly of religion. Christianity in particular. It's called "another roadside attraction". It's not the easiest book to read in that you have to be somewhat intelligent to get it but I certainly reccommend you all give it a read. It certainally opened my eyes. It shows the futility and curruptuion of Christianity.

I studied religions on my own as a hobby and came to the very obvious conclusion that every religion in the world that has ever been documented throughout time is merely based on fear of the after-life. Who knows if there is an after life and really, who cares. Live for the moment, don't be an idiot but enjoy life. If there is an after-life you'll find it after you die. Other than that, don't make your whole mode of operation based on your religion which is based on the speculating principals of life after death. The statement of which is an oxymoron as there can be no proof.

All I can say is, in the wise words of Donkey from the film Shrek: "If you're in a dark tunnel, stay away from the light".

Otherwise, live and live it up while you're at it.
(reply to this comment)
from 1984
Monday, February 17, 2003 - 06:49

I had the same questions for so many years, same doubts, but what really woke me up to reality was to read some stuff written about the family. I came to the conclusion that i had to face life for my own, for the very first time in my life I knew that I had to grow up as a person and stop being a child, letting others to think and take decisions for me. And man, don´t worry, you don´t have to save the world as they thought us, you don´t have to be in Afrika and all that stuff they sold us for so many years, if there is a saviour, He already saved the world 2000 years ago, so don´t worry man, just move on and make of your life something special, even if you live a simple one, it doesn´t matter. at the end of the day you have to be in peace with you, nobody else.
(reply to this comment)
from geo
Monday, January 27, 2003 - 19:22

you ask some cool questions, i think about alot of similar things.
i think asking questions or at least admiting something you dont know is a good thing. many people i know have very specific views on things especialy about god, overly religious people bother me because they are very convinced theyre right and have to blindly follow theyre faith, while many agnostics and people i know who are athiests to me seem just as blind in theyre beliefs. to me believing that there must be a god is as much a case of denial as believing there isnt one--how can you say for certain either way, its seems almost impossible to prove or dissprove. for me as frustrating as it is to admit that i dont completly know what life is about or what god is or if there is a purpose to life, i have to be honest with myself that i dont know.
once i was thinking about what i believed in and i tried to write down a list of everything i was completly certain in my mind and by experience that i believed in, this became a very short list, the few things i could come up with were mostly small things that have become important it me you might call them romantic or nostalgic fabrications but to me they are very real, certian emotions and feelings that i felt were worth everything in the world for.
other then that life is still a giant question mark to me i feel satisfied by that though and would never trade a half truth or any assumption about life over that.
(reply to this comment)
from Anthony
Tuesday, August 20, 2002 - 15:52

Once I realized that there was no after life, Heaven, Hell or Purgatory, life took on a whole new meaning for me. No longer could I take my loved ones for granted because "I'll see them on the other side eventually" and "we'll all be togother again". Also dead people don't smoke pot, so...well, I'm not saying that, lol! Hey, but that's just me and I do not intend to convert anyone to my opinions.
(reply to this comment)
from Joe
Tuesday, August 20, 2002 - 15:28

You need to watch Monty Python's The Meaning of Life! It will open your eyes!
(reply to this comment)
From 7*
Thursday, August 22, 2002, 07:12

You need to pray and hear form the LORD!! Read the Bible and the Mo letters!!! That'll open your eyes! Monty Python is nothing but foolishness and the wisdom of this world is FOOLISHNESS with God!!! Are your eyes open???!!!(reply to this comment
From 1984
Monday, February 17, 2003, 07:07

i guess i agree with you in that of praying and hearing from the Lord, and why not, it´s always good to read the Bible as well, with respect to Mo and his mo Letters i have some questions that i would like to ask you, if you don´t mind of course: What do you think Berg (or Dad if you like)was praying when he was molesting his grandoughter Mene? What do you think he wrote about this kind of behaviour in his "Mo Letters"? remember "the devil hates sex" for example when he advocates rape and incest? Do you think it is a good advice to tell some one to read, let´s say "the last state" or perhaps "it´s up to you", what kind of advice is that to some one who has sincere questions about facing life and trying to develop himself in society? peace to you ( if you can find any reading your Mo letters)(reply to this comment
From SaraMarie
Friday, January 03, 2003, 20:24

this dip shit here thinks we need to read MORE mo leters? What a bunch of crap.

Ohh yess and Monty Python is the shits. i mean its the most ingenious peice of work from 5 (or is it 6 i forget)men that i have ever seen.(reply to this comment
From Tim R (The Constitutional Peasant)
Wednesday, August 28, 2002, 22:07

"Strange women lying around in bed distributing prophecies is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the the masses, not from some fanciful spirtual ceremony. I mean, if I was to go around telling everyone I was a prophet, just because some bloody tart lobbed a revelation at me, they'd lock me away!"(reply to this comment
From neez
Thursday, August 22, 2002, 08:30

eh heh.. is that you'r door-to-door sales-pitch?
lemme guess.. u sell some form of eyewear.. If not, you should be.(reply to this comment
From -Monet
Thursday, August 22, 2002, 13:32

ha ha(reply to this comment
from Pat
Tuesday, August 20, 2002 - 14:55

The antidepressants won't work properly while you're using other chemicals.
(reply to this comment)
From pharmaboy
Wednesday, August 21, 2002, 10:43

Well, I only took anti-d's because when i went to a shrink, he thought I had major depression & suicidal fantasies. Nowadays they just love to prescribe you an ssri class AD(prozac, zoloft, paxil, etc) with 5 refills and that's that. Much easier for them that way, but I wasn't really depressed in that way, suicidal yes. I mean, if there was one thing that was sure, that was that the family(better defined as "the prophets that shagged me"!) was the chosen ones & we really knew what was going on in the world better than anyone else.

I've never, even in the family, was a true "believer", mainly I was terrified about the tribulation & Jesus pissed off at me in front of the whole world 'cause I talked during quiet-time. I still can't say I am religious, I sometimes have been so gone that I couldn't remember my own name, even the bathroom tiles were talking to me, but never once did I ever hear god. If he doesn’t speak to you in that condition, when? Maybe like Tyler assumes in fight club, he's there but couldn't care less, actually he hates us, we are just his experiment or pet, like you would have a goldfish.

I don't know what you people think, but do we really not believe in god, or are we just trying hard to convince ourselves, to ease our conscience? I’ll be talking with another exfam friend, we both agree it’s a crazy cult, but talk to a 50yr. Old guy that’s still in the family, & he believes in it completely, honestly. First, how can he be so convinced that he’s really talking to Jesus, he must be talking to someone(maybe Timothy Leary back from the dead!!). Second, at least he has something to live for, even if it’s twisted, to him it’s logical!

Whoever writes those GNs must be a genius on human psyche. They know exactly how to manipulate people with guilt; I stay away from any sort of family publication as if it was poison, but even then deep down in the back of my head I’m thinking about some paragraph from some GN I read ages ago that says, “the less you read the word, the more the enemy can deceive you with lies…” or “ they rejected the truth & were then given strong delusion”. It happens with the bible as well, or any sort of Christian literature: disgusting, repulsive and yet it still has the capability of disorienting me again & again. If I would, by chance end up in a home again(hell no!) it would sicken me & be confusing as well, all that guilt would flood back! Honest, sometimes I doubt if I have any cognitive independence at all, or is it always the devil lying to me, & on the other side “that still, small voice” calling me back to the fold! Just yesterday I took a colleague’s car for an errand, an Audi a4, & I love speed & was over-confident that day because I was driving “normal” for a change. Going 190kph I had a close-call on the highway, & immediately afterwards I thought god was warning me about how “off the track” I was..!! Sorry about this droned on, ranting monologue, it was just something I needed to let out, & I’m glad I’ve found this site. Nowhere else could I find people that could even vaguely understand.
(reply to this comment
From Tiger
Wednesday, January 08, 2003, 08:07

I relate to your thought processes and have been taking paxil & peroxitine myself for a year now. 3 weeks ago I decided to try without and see how things go...
I wonder how many of us former Hope of the Future-ites have been on anti-depressants &/or mood-stabilisers. I don't know of anyone personally, then again some things are not too easily discussed ...=/!
I can relate too well with the whole topic of what is the point of our sorry existance....IMHO it's a bloody boring world at times. Especially when it seems my childhood was ripped out from under me...thanks wankers!! In TF we continually attached some sort of meaning to each tedious thing we did i.e. washing the dishes cheerfully would ensure some more gleaming crystals on our Mansion upstairs...! We continually read & were told how our life is so 'meaningful' & everything we did was for a greater or higher purpose. We weren't ever allowed to experience boredom and vocalise it. Things were supposed to be exciting every minute of the day it was a revolution after all!!! Bah! So perhaps the realisation that things in the average joe's life out here are not that great is something new to deal with. At least I have my independance, but it's shite when you don't know what the point of having it is!!
I am slowly coming up with my own spin on what I'm doing on this mad planet. I have shied away from the whole mind set of finding something worth living for. I have basically decided that unlike what we've been taugh WE are our own best friends and the only thing I see that makes any sense is to get as much pleaseure and enjoyment out of my life while I'm still relatively young (without hurting anyone of course I'm not a sadist..yet!) ;). Then again, I do get depressed frequently so I am still coming to grips with where I am at and who I am, want to be etc etc. Anyways, hang in there mate it can't get too much worse! (reply to this comment
From Isislively
Sunday, February 23, 2003, 14:06

Couldn't have said it better myself. I'll go through stages where I'm really happy and content, then I'll get depressed because I feel like I'm constantly waiting eagerly for something to happen, but when I stop to think what is it I'm anticipating, there's nothing. I think it's because our whole lives we're raised in a state of anticipation, continuously "on guard" and waiting for something, a visit from the leaders, video night, the next humiliation, the end of the world, whatever it was, there was always something that kept your stomach in knots, in either a good way or a bad way. Most often a bad way. So everday life, that tends to be redundant and repetitive, (wake up, go to work, go to bed, wake up...) seems boring, and we try to find things to make it more interesting. That's why alot of us do drugs. That's why I do, to alleviate the doldrums. But every one else in the world, the "normals", accept and expect that life will run continuously in this path, it did for their parents and it's just expected. Eventually you'll get married and have kids and this is the point of life, because this is how it's always been. I thought that's what I wanted, but I was wrong, so I got out, but now I'm at loose ends, and often I get bored.
So I agree with your spin, the whole point is to enjoy life as much as possible, for as long as possible, and it's not imperative to have a plan for the future, or something you're running towards. I retain my sanity by realizing that I'd rather be bored to death and free to do and think what I want, than be constantly on edge and miserable.(reply to this comment
From demerit
Tuesday, January 07, 2003, 20:16

I know what your saying weve all been shaged. I stopped believing in grandpa when he dident die on time, not that I was wishing for it but everything else he said dident happen and that was the only thing for me left to beleive in and when the time came, It was another excuse mama Maria dident think she she was ready for the mantle! all this aside I still beleive in faith. faith that there is a god and he knows everyone of our life stories and no matter what weve done He knowes our true intentions and thats all that counts. And if this isnt true! Then Im going to hell and you guys are coming with me. (reply to this comment

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