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Getting Out : Leaving

Things I Missed Growing Up

from mugthebug - Tuesday, January 17, 2006
accessed 1679 times

I was watching MTV's "Made" and started thinking about the things that I did not get to do in The Family that I wished I could have done and here is the list.

I never went to high school, which means I never had the opportunity to be if I so desired prom queen or home coming queen

I never learned to roller-skate or ice skate the only ballet classes I had were the stupid ones taught by an "aunty" out of the child care handbook

I never had the joy of that first awkward date where you kissed and that was as far as it went because neither one of you were sure exactly how sex worked

Things I did learn from the family were, how to lie proficiently to any one and get away with it, how to fly under anyone’s radar, how to never get angry or express anger (which may be why the 10+ years I worked in retail I was always the customer service person they called when there was and extra obnoxious customer to deal with) how to speak more than one language fluently and last but not least I learned how to ignore just about anything I didn't want to listen to while still looking like I was listening and enjoying it

(Foot note to those who know me cheeks especially: Yes, I was always one of the fat girls but it would have been nice to at least run for prom queen even if I never would have won so no fat joke ok? Luv ya.

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from cheeks
Tuesday, January 24, 2006 - 17:16

(Agree/Disagree?)

Ha! I get the psyco's at the service desk too. I get called when they get something they don't want to take back. The yelling and the cursing doesn't get to me. I raise the eye brow and give them the bored stare. The yelling and cursing continues and I put it in the bag and give them the ' Don't you look like an idiot' stare and they leave.

The things I would change, having the first time really be the first time. Not feeling pressured to "share". I never ended up sharing except with my hubby I bet he wishes he left me alone now. I always was in the position that because I was unwilling to share, I must also be unwilling in other things. The lord was never truly going to bless me. Well I got blessed by not getting an STD.

Confidence, the Family took so much of our confidence away. The whole you are never going to make it out there was way over the top. Once you hit a dog so many times he will eventually stay down.



(reply to this comment)

From AndyH
Tuesday, January 24, 2006, 17:47

(Agree/Disagree?)

Yeah, the whole "You will be shit on the outside" is a Tactic the army uses when threaten soldiers not to fuck up and get Kicked out. They also use it when trying to scare you into re-enlisting. "The grass on the other side is poisonous, and it bites."(reply to this comment

From Baxter
Wednesday, January 25, 2006, 05:41

(Agree/Disagree?)

I remember the long and boring talks where they would get re-enlisted senior NCOs to talk about how crap civvy street was. Senior Sergeants who couldn't live without their little daily dose of power. The life-devoid idiots who teach the their wives how to build battle-trenches and man OPs from the backyard.

Very similar to the 'Traumatic Testimonies' series; so-and-so got out and became a dope addict; so-and-so got into trouble with the Albanians while mercing it in Bosnia; so-and-so shot himself when his wife left him. 'Oh my GOD, why would I ever want to leave the caring fold of the warm appreciating army?';'You need us more than we need you' kinda shit. Lies of course.(reply to this comment

From AndyH
Wednesday, January 25, 2006, 07:34

(Agree/Disagree?)

Yeah its sick.

I can't stand the ones that make it their whole life, its so godamm pathetic. It's like "Get an indentity, fag."(reply to this comment

from Freshman
Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 07:14

Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Is it just me or is ESJ kinda like that one Senior who sits at the table with a bunch of freshmen? All the other seniors look down on him. The freshmen tolerate it but even they know its kinda pathetic.

I understand this comment will not make sense to those of you who didn't get the opportunity to go to high school. I assure you, you didn't miss much.
(reply to this comment)

From neez
Sunday, January 22, 2006, 01:28

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Agree/Disagree?)
It's just you.(reply to this comment
From solemn
Saturday, January 21, 2006, 21:56

(Agree/Disagree?)
I don’t think that is a fair depiction at all. This site is a forum for a very diverse group of people of all ages and stations of life. Our only common factor is our backgrounds in The Family. I would say Eva fits neatly into that demographic. Perhaps it would do you some good to realize that this isn’t high school. Do you think you should be sitting at a “cooler” table than her? I’ve never met Eva, but like anyone else, her emotion and intent comes through in her writing. I can say with a great degree of confidence that her concern for people on this site is unmistakable. Have you never stuck your foot in your mouth, I have. If you ever needed it, I’m sure she would stick up for you.(reply to this comment
From vixen
Sunday, January 22, 2006, 07:09

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Just a small correction, if you don't mind: This site was created as a meeting place specifically for individuals who were born into TF or made to join through their parents' or guardians' decisions to do so. In other words, those who did not have a choice in the matter. Your impression of what demographic this forum is intended for is slightly skewed. That being said, ex-FGAs, current family members and those who have never been in TF are welcome to post here if they do so with respect. I personally think that we have a right to continued maintenance of this important distinction.

As far as Eva is concerned, I feel that she has demonstrated a great deal of integrity in accepting her part in the perpetuation of TFs abusive environment, and that is, in my opinion, highly commendable. Furthermore, she is one of only a few ex-FGAs who are genuinely committed to going some way toward undoing the wrongs of our collective past by campaigning for some kind of justice, and for that I am truly grateful.

(reply to this comment

From solemn
Sunday, January 22, 2006, 22:39

(Agree/Disagree?)
Sorry Vix, I was just stunned that someone made such an insensitive comment about someone who, as far as I can tell, is quite the genuine person. I didn't mean to rewrite the rules. I humbly accept your redirection.(reply to this comment
From vixen
Monday, January 23, 2006, 13:36

(Agree/Disagree?)
Your humility and yieldedness is duly noted. Go and sin a little bit more today, that I might correct you again ;-)(reply to this comment
From solemn
Monday, January 23, 2006, 13:55

(Agree/Disagree?)
Keep an eye open, it should'nt take me long d:{D(reply to this comment
From placebo
Sunday, January 22, 2006, 00:09

(Agree/Disagree?)
I have the deepest respect for ESJ and think she should be higly commended for all her efforts. However, I believe the point that Freshman is trying to demonstrate is that this is a site for young people born into the family and not for people who joined.This has been discussed before but I suppose we have to rehash this issue every few months.(reply to this comment
From vixen
Sunday, January 22, 2006, 07:35

(Agree/Disagree?)

Heh, unfortunately I didn't read your comment before I wrote mine, placebo! *rolls eyes at myself*

(reply to this comment

From placebo
Sunday, January 22, 2006, 13:00

(Agree/Disagree?)
"You have ignored me for the last time!! Guards take her away!!"(reply to this comment
From Freshman
Tuesday, January 24, 2006, 12:24

(
Agree/Disagree?)

Thank you all.

Once again, as is the continuing trend amongst you fucking crybabies, another remark posted purely in good fun is attacked because it isn't sensitive to every ones "feelings". You know who you people remind me of. THE FUCKING CULT. So if getting out means I have to continue to walk on eggshells and be nice, smile, and not say what I really fucking think then that just defeats the purpose doesn't it.

*kills self*(reply to this comment

From Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006, 13:15

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Agree/Disagree?)

Read your post back to yoruself, know what it says? Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh Nobody agreed with me. If you are going to call people crybabies, stop crying when you say it. You don't have to walk on eggshells but if you are going to dish it, be prepared to take it.(reply to this comment

From Freshman
Tuesday, January 24, 2006, 17:01

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Agree/Disagree?)

No its said, "Whoa, over-reaction." I can take anything. (reply to this comment

From come on mate..
Tuesday, January 24, 2006, 12:58

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Agree/Disagree?)
You asked a question (you are not the first) and it was answered. How do crybabies come into it.
P.S in a cult you wouldn't get an answer! (reply to this comment
From Freshman
Tuesday, January 24, 2006, 17:03

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Agree/Disagree?)

They didn't just answer it they got bent out of shape about it. In the cult you would most definetly get an answer, in the form of a bar of soap, a wooden rod and the removal of your right to speak.

Besides, I can't talk I'm dead.

Crybabies.(reply to this comment

from Anon2
Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 03:07

(Agree/Disagree?)

One of the things I did learn in TF was how to instantly size up whatever psycho nut-case Home Shephard I'd just been sent to and very quickly ascertain which things I could now get away with and which things were most likely to trigger his or her "hot button".

Surprisingly, I've found this skill exceptionally useful while working in some of the larger corporations. Your average CEO these days usually knows better than to subject staff to the kind of physical, psychological or sexual abuse dished out by TF, but some of the more brainwashed members of the corporate sector exhibit almost the same inability to think for themselves as a cultie. Consequently, they tend to be just as easy to manipulate.


(reply to this comment)

From AndyH
Saturday, January 21, 2006, 07:01

(Agree/Disagree?)
Yes, I have this skill as well, Its proved very useful in the Army.(reply to this comment
from solemn
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 16:13

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
It seems like the “things” people missed out on the most aren’t even things, they are feeling loved, understood, cared for, supported, needed, wanted, included, feeling normal. I am humbled by the weight some of you carry on your shoulders. I wish I knew what to say to you. You should be proud of yourselves for making it as far as you have.
(reply to this comment)
from exister
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 14:59

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Well, since you asked.

I missed out on an entire world of reading and other media that I have spent the better part of my adult life catching up on. It irks me to think that many of the brilliant things that I have read could have been part of my formative years if my parents hadn't chosen to follow a pedophile for all of their adult lives.

I missed out on the opportunity to earn an academic scholarship to a really good school. Instead I had to join the military and work full time all through college. It must be nice to be just a student.

I am proud to have been in the military and I am very happy with the education I have achieved. However, we must make a clear distinction between rejoicing at the overcoming of disadvantages and anger at those who willfully imposed these disadvantages upon us.
(reply to this comment)

from Nemo
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 14:40

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

I never had the joy of experiencing sex at adolescence from the point of innocence and exploration. It had something to do with watching adults have sex from the age of four, and having all those memories engraved into my head to this day. It makes enjoying sex almost impossible. Maybe it made me a more considerate lover, I concentrate more on my partner. But that sucks as far as enjoying yourself is concerned. I know if I let go, I'd be absolutely horrible to the opposite sex. I have to fight turning into a sick fuck because some fuckers thought it was a good idea to introduce me to sex as a child. And it totally sucked having to show respect to someone as a child that you just watched fucking your mum or dad.

That's what I missed as a child.
(reply to this comment)

From I shouldnt...but
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:11

(
Agree/Disagree?)
I don't know weather to laugh or cry at that comment. I feel sick too. Sex is never normal for me. I never want it and i can never get enough of it. I always want to try something else, something crazy. Not like kill someone or rape or anything like that. I too have always had very satisfied partners but its never right for me. Fuck! I hate it. I am the wonderful product of encouraging children to have sex. (reply to this comment
From Nemo
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:36

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)

I am trapped between an inescapable drive for sex, with the totally sick feeling that follows it. it's like needing to stick your hand in a boiling pot of water. I tried substituting with drugs, violence and pain.

All I really wanted, all I have always wanted is to feel wanted and loved. I'm told that I'm an intimidating person, and people are often scared of me when they meet me (with no apparent effort on my part) and it always comes as a surprise to women when they find out that I prefer to just be held, much more than the emotionless, meaningless sex that people of my generation are supposed to be nuts about. But it's impossible to show genuine love to someone when you've become so used to saying 'I love you' to people you don't give a shit about, and then trying to say it to someone you'd want to give your life to. I don't even know what it means. I want to be able to really care about someone, and not even care if they return my feelings or not. At the same time, sex is always someting incredibly ugly and vile, something that can never be beautiful and warm. It's like being living dead. Inside, I'm an overgrown stunted child who never grew up. It's ridiculous to think that the environment of our youth was meant to be full of love and affection, and yet I can't even communicate it to others. (reply to this comment

From Immediately guilty
Saturday, January 21, 2006, 07:17

(
Agree/Disagree?)

"I am trapped between an inescapable drive for sex, with the totally sick feeling that follows it."

I'm glad I'm not alone in this. I often will be with someone, and then be completely distant and almost cruel afterwards, and just get away as quickly as possible. Or throw away a porno because your disgusted by it immediately after it brings you so much pleasure.(reply to this comment

From someone who cares about you
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:57

(
Agree/Disagree?)

I don't know anything about you so forgive me if this suggestion comes across as patronising, but have you tried some form of counselling? You might find cognitive behaviour therapy helpful. (reply to this comment

From Jesus Crust
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:53

(Agree/Disagree?)
i always love how as a relationship progresses she will want to have the talk about our sexual histories. Oh fuck, does that go over good. Some are like, "well there was this one time I was drinking with some friends and me and these 2 guys, Oh god you think Im a slut huh". And Im like whatever you want me to call a friend. Nothing is special. Or when someone nice wants to know about hy past and i have, "well my first time was when i was 7, What you think Im sick huh. Good cuz i am. should we save time and end this now" because she will never look at you the same, EVER!(reply to this comment
From NN&MM
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 23:50

(
Agree/Disagree?)

I had no problems with sex, although I did sometimes wish I could skip the please the partner role. I did have problems with the "love" bit. When I first left, I just brought out the "love" way to early, and all the wrong girls wanted to stay forever, while the right ones got scared off. Ho ho ho. Thank myself, I grew out of it, and grew into the system. Ah let me wallow some more in the muck and mud of this worldly euphoria....(reply to this comment

From Jesus Crust
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 22:20

(Agree/Disagree?)

eth


sorry Eva I had to put my "eth" back. it art my trademark and I didst forget it.(reply to this comment

From ESJ
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 17:39

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)
Gee, you guys, I’m so sorry. Reading these later, more serious comments, I now see that in the light of the enormity of what you have suffered and still suffer, my earlier naïve attempts to be ‘encouraging’ or find some ‘positive note’ just sound trite and inconsiderate. Please accept my apologies.

Whenever I read stuff like this is just breaks my heart and makes me cry. How could we (FGA’s) have been so fucking blind and stupid and cruel and insensitive to the emotional needs of our children?! It makes me so angry! – Angry at myself, angry at Berg and Zerby and all their cohorts, and angry with all the other FGA’s who are still refusing to face up to the crimes we committed by bringing our children up in such an abusive environment.

Way back then, when all these things were being heralded as ‘wonderful new truths’ that would make our children the ‘free-est, strongest, wisest, most enlightened generation on the earth’, I could have never dreamed in a million years that this would be the outcome. Humbled and deeply sorry, I send you my love and hopes that somehow, on these deep inner levels, you can ultimately find peace and healing. (reply to this comment
From
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 22:31

(
Agree/Disagree?)
You are a mother, you want to put a bandaid on it and kiss it better, but sometimes you just have to let it bleed.(reply to this comment
From Jesus Crust
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:54

(Agree/Disagree?)
Eth.(reply to this comment
from Bones
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 21:15

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
Tonight I took my youngest to her first school recital. She signed up on her own and practiced faithfully. She politely reminded us on a more than regular basis of her upcoming event. She was so excited so we just fed the fire with encouragement. When she nervously took the stage her eyes darted about the room searching for comfort. You could see it come from the inside out when she finally found us in the crowd. She waved slyly, and looked back now and then with the most confident smile. She was just happy that we were there to watch her, just happy for the support. That’s what I missed. I remember having to sing and perform. Yet my motivation was to avoid severe punishment, or to get food. Nothing was supported that was not a furtherance of The Family’s ideas. So, consequently, nothing was supported. BTW, she has been glowing with pride all night long.
(reply to this comment)
From AndyH
Saturday, January 21, 2006, 07:09

(Agree/Disagree?)
That's awesome, I'm so glad for you, and the opportunity you have to give your children the life they deserve. I hope I am doing everything I can for my daughter.(reply to this comment
From Bones
Saturday, January 21, 2006, 18:52

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
You can never get back what you lost, it's too late. But being able to give to someone you love, for me, is even better. It is like giving it back to yourself. I think that is the true meaning of "It's better to give than to receive". I'm sure you are doing everything you can for your daughter, you sound like she really matters to you. Having kids rocks.(reply to this comment
from ESJ
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 19:52

Average visitor agreement is 1 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

One thing you do have to your advantage though, which a lot of people your age still haven't achieved who don't have your background, is that when you have to leave behind everything you were taught and start all over to discover what is really real for yourself, you become far more self aware and authentic than those who grew up in a 'regular life' in the world. You see more easily through all the everyday bullshit and are not so easily fooled or manipuilated.

They, too, have been entrained and enculturated into a preconcieved world view, which - because it usually isn't as fanatic and 'high demand' and abusive as TF's upbringing - they are seldom driven to really question.

Because life is relatively 'easy' (as long as they 'play the game'), they don't usually feel challenged to explore outside of their own 'cultural myth' and the role society has given them. Subsequently, just like the SGA's still comfortably ensconsed in TF, they can spend their lives living according to the dictates of 'authorative others', and never get down to the nitty gritty of discovering what is truly real outside of what they've been told, and who they really are as a unique individual beyond assigned roles and culturally-accepted world views.

Thats what I love about the myriad views being expressed on Moving On. It represents authentic individuals who are questioning and debating everything they've ever been told to believe (by TF and by society in general), who are struggling to find the 'one true thing' they can believe in, which - if they keep up the search - they will ultimately discover within themselves.

So don't be too despondent. The more you seek out 'the big reality' beyond all belief systems and cultural ways of life, and pusue personal healing and wholeness, and explore you inner Self, the more you'll come to realize you didn't really miss all that much compared to the inner riches you've garnered from all your experiences and explorations.
(reply to this comment)

From mugthebug
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 20:42

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

did you ever stop to think maybe some of us never wanted to "seek out the big reality" or wouldnt have to if we would have been raised by normal people with normal lives ,instead of crazy people who thought that dragging us from country to country house to house or camp ground to camp ground or who sent us to a consentration camp when we were 11 and 12 and from that time on basicaly abandoned us to live with other people and care for other peoples children so that by the age of 30 we have actualy worked what for most normal people would have been 18 -20 years of full time job think of the ira or 401ks that we could have accumulated by then heck i could retire in 10 years

ESJ to you specificly i say this QUIT TELLING US TO LOOK ON THE DAMM BRIGHT SIDE THERE IS NO BRIGHT SIDE .(reply to this comment

From exister
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:04

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Glad you're so chipper about the whole fucking thing. Good for you!

So, according to your logic the Jews should send a big Thank You shout out to Hitler and the Nazi fucks that tried to exterminate them. Is that correct?(reply to this comment

From Baxter
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 14:44

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)
I learned confidence from five years in the army, before that I was a shy dormouse. Whatever I gained from that childhood, and I appreciate that I must have gained something, I would trade it all tomorrow for a the memories of a normal childhood. (reply to this comment
From AndyH
Wednesday, January 18, 2006, 20:10

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Woo-Hoo, I love consolation prizes, I can just see the T-shirt.

"I got raised in a controversial, high demand religious organization, and all I got was this lousy sense of self-awareness and authenticity."

Mmmm... Now that's good despondency!(reply to this comment

From ESJ
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 05:17

Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 2.5 out of 5(
Agree/Disagree?)

Yup, you've got a point. I understand your antipathy and I'm sorry if my comment erked you. (I was just trying to be encouraging). "..this lousy sense of self-awareness and authenticity" definitely ain't enough to make up for all the lost years and abuse. But if you feed it and let it grow at least it can be a useful tool to help you create a life you can be happy with now or in the future, in spite of the pain us 'fucking FGAs' caused you in the past.

With love and empathy, Eva
(reply to this comment

from AndyH
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 19:25

(Agree/Disagree?)

Other things I/we missed:

A lot of TV shows that so many people take for granted, "Oh my god, you've never seen: insert lame 80's show here." Arsenio Hall, Alf, Thundercats, Smurfs. I can't really think of them all, but I'm sure the majority of them sucked out loud.

An education about history not rife with lies and prejudice.

Rebelling: I know some of you did but I never had the balls.

Being grounded: I remember the first time I heard that term thinking "so I've been grounded my entire life?"

Cool toys: with guns and knives and punching action and all manner of un-christian things.

System Music: Mmmmmm.... System music.

That's all I can think of right now.



(reply to this comment)

From dollface
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 09:24

Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5Average visitor agreement is 5 out of 5(Agree/Disagree?)

Learning all the quick smart-alec retorts learnt in school playgrounds. We developed our own brand of sarcasm which usually included twisting Bible verses to our advantage... not overly helpful outside the group.

Learning terms and expressions used by most people. When I first left, any phrase I hadn't heard in a "Mo Letter" was pretty much lost on me. I had to concentrate so hard to get the general context of what was being said, so that I could follow the flow of conversation.. without having to ask someone to explain themselves every few minutes.

Reading intelligent books. Berg's drunken, sex-crazed ramblings somehow don't stand up to the competition.(reply to this comment

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