- Thursday, February 10, 2005
Oh you've got to be kidding me. I lived in constant insecerity, not knowing where my parents were at times, moving every 3 to 6 mths, new home-new faces, never being able to make a stable friendship, keeping in touch with friends were hard for SALAH reasons.
Fear? Well fear of going to a new home and who would be the next pedophile waiting to pounce. Which auntie liked carrying a fly-swatter as a wand. What new rules wouldn't I know about.( Once my 5 yr old rother was dragged from the table whilst eating an apple and beaten so harshly that even I was in tears, the crime? He'd left the skin on. This was because a new Mo letter had come out saying we could eat the apples-skin and all-if we had the faith for it) But this creep hadn't read the new letter.
Fear of the lord, fear of the Devil, ferar of the system, fear that the anti-christ soilders would come to the door, not to mention all that heavens girl crap. I was terified of ever puting a foot out of line. All by the time I was 6-good going you loving saints.
Not being able to laugh too loud, cry (unless I was confessing my "sins") talk about my feelings or emotions, be seen to be sad. (out of the sprit) Yes you tried your best to psycologicaly mess me up, hearing my mom cry for the loss of her daughter, who she was told belonged to the group, not even a phone call.
Seeing her cry when she had to go out and FF for funds, when my Step-dad would shout, sream and beat her up for being "selfish" , for having to sleep with some one you didn't like, having your husand sleep with all the young girls.
I was spat on, knuckled on the head, raped, woken up in the night with a belting, humiliated at every turn, when I had an illness it was my fault, told I was nothing if I didn't do what "the lord wanted" forced to preform felatio on old men, who would then write me love letters, and to see the torment on my mothers face, as she had thought he liked her.
In a group that teaches "gods love" as beening completely submisive to their interpretation of it (no jealousy, no pride, no selfworth, no dignity, no debating, no questioning) and when that person doesn't feel it, you have gone seriously wrong.
We are not taking about you here and your messed up interpretation of love. We are talking about the results of that "love" and how it negatively impacted my generation.