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Personal Accounts

The following are first hand personal accounts from survivors of abuse as children in The Family

192 accounts.
Page 11 of 20

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Original Location

Wolf - Sunday, December 07, 2003

Yeah, I used to live with him when I was 10. I only know two child sex abusers and he was one of them...I won't go into the details because they involve people who may not want the details posted...let's just say him and his wife used to practise the little girl dream (her on one side, little girl on the other). His wife was fucking gorgeous though -- definitely a MILF -- not Phoebe, German Maria (she came after Phoebe). They really made the most of FFing, Maria’s “fish” gave Manuel a Rolex (kind of a thank-you-for-letting-me-screw-your-wife) and gave her a brand new Volvo -- of course the “shepherds” made him sell the Rolex and the car and buy the “home” a trashy van instead. As you can see by the photo, he regularly ditches his wives when they get too old and marries a younger one…the current “flame” is a Russian in her early 20’s.

Original Location

BrokenBodyStrongSpirit - Thursday, November 20, 2003

Until you have been an 8 year old with a grown man's hand up in her **** every night because he shares a room with you; until you have been a 10 year old who was raped by a host of "loving uncles"; until you have been an 11 year old that was sent by your "loving shepherds" out with a "fish" that tried to rape you; until you have been an 11 year old who was forced to suck her step-father's ****, or put on a "sharing schedule" when you were 12, and until you have been told by your "loving shepherds" that everything that happened to you was not abuse, and that if you were not so prudish and "un-revolutionary" you would be able to admit that you actually ENJOYED what happened to you, THEN YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ANYONE TO JUST "GET OVER THE PAST"!!!!!

Did you even for one second stop to consider that what we are doing here on this site IS getting over the past??!!! Who are you to say what type of road of healing we can walk down?? There is no way to get over any type of past hurt without confronting it, not trying to hide it away and pretend it did not happen. ANYONE--except maybe some deluded Family members--can tell you that.

Did you also stop to think that perhaps some of the broken bodies and broken hearts that are the make-up of this site's membership would like to see even a little bit of justice done for their suffering? Don't you think that they are worthy of some sort of recompence for all they've gone through? Or are you just too cold-hearted to see that? Even just to vent the anger can help, and that is what this site is for.

Do not forget either the fact that the physical abuse--which in some people's cases was astronomical--was not the only abuse. You cannot even begin to touch the surfice when you start discribing the mental, emotional, moral, and spiritual abuse. And that stuff, let me tell you, can take a long, long time to mend.

Maybe you should take a moment to look past the words on this site, and see why there is anger there.

And yes, all that--and more--happened to me.

Original Location

Eartha - Monday, October 20, 2003

Well Michael, from my personal childhood experiences, growing up in
Thailand, me and a lot of my female friends were targets for sexual abuse, especially those whose were born to thai National Mothers or Fathers. Our parents being thought as less, not as strong spiritually, or babes could never stand up to us, and becuae of not being fluent in the Englsih laguange and feeling extra week or inaddaquate in the Lord's service, always tried to listen and obey the TF shepherds, yeilding and condemning thier children along with the leaders, so that they would not have to parttake of the shame we borught on them for reporting lies that we were sexually abuses. Sound really screwed up , I know, but it's the reality I grow up with. all sexual abuse was a hush up, anono to talk about, and you were worst than the devil to even think of bringing up the subject. Guilt ruled, everybody felt guilty about nothing all the time and when there was something that they should have been feeling guilty about people well, it was lost in a sea of all the other guilts and confusion.

Original Location

Eartha - Sunday, October 19, 2003

I was exorsized each time I tried to report a crime, the shepherds said I had a flirty demon which made my teachers do things.
I used to get spanked for casting flirty spells on the trees which is why I ended up lookin' at the ground most of the time. Anyway, I had a reputaion of being sexually possesed by bad spirits since I was two ad mom "caught" me with three 11 year old boys messig around with me. IN the case on one child abuser, I was nine a was put in solitary confinement for two months, they said it was I, I had sexual demons that caused me to rape my teacher. My mom and Dad participated in the Exorcisms.

Now, Trying to repair the relationships and gian the trust of my parents enought to let me send gifts or pay an occasional visit to my younger siblings would be lost if they found I had "report", "backslide" or was " against the family". I wish I could send a whole pattallion of police men to hunt a few psychos down, infact I sent some investigators once. But the shepherds , in reaction to this "persecution" made everybody stay " undercover" , fasting and praying, eating the last srcaps of survival endtime food and worrying. The result was that my brothers and sisters went hunger, were worked out of the brains and worried that the antichrist was going to get them or that Jesus was upset with them. IT's not worth my retaliation. But everyones personal situation is diffferent, some can tell, some can't or won't risk a loved one for it.

Original Location

krystine - Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Anyone remeber Paul and Katherine from Japan and San Diego? They accused all of us teens of witchcraft and voodoo. I was thirteen years old and had no idea what voodoo was but they put us on a fast for days and I had to be isolated for a month. None of kids could talk for a least two months, not even to my mom. We were told we were destined to be prostitutes and drug deviants because we made a pact with the devil. They wore you down so much that I actually started to think maybe I really was sticking pins in dolls and not knowing it. They should be paying for my serious shrink bills since they contributed to my messed up mentality.

Original Location

Kate. - Monday, August 25, 2003

Hi Jackie,

I just want to say that I totally understand what you must have gone through. My story is very similar to yours. I also went through Victor Programs, spankings, & yes.....also rape & abuse. I wrote part of my story in this CREEPS section. I only wrote about the rape because I wanted to post Zerby's letter I got in response after writting & telling her about it. But there was so much more that I didn't mention. I was raped at 7 years old & from there until I was 15 my life was filled with countless stories. The part about the uncle reading you a bed time story & touching you at the same time sounded so very familiar.....just reading all this brought horrible memories to mind.

To all of you who don't believe this or question this: telling this sort of experiences it's no easy task. It's tough enough without having to prove that every word you're saying is true. I was raped when I was 7, probably the memories I have of it aren't completly clear as I remember it from a 7year old's prespective. But, one thing's for sure, it did happen......& to me that's what's important. Those things shouldn't have happen to us. Who cares whether the bruises lasted 2 weeks or 2 months. The fact that she was hit enough to make bruises is the relevant point of this story.

Anyway, take care Jackie.......I think the step taken to write these things down is a hard one, but I also believe that it's part of our healing process.

Original Location

jackie - Sunday, August 24, 2003

Hi to all!

I agree with people asking questions and even find it comendable for someone to use their inteligence and not just take my word for it. However I find that considering that we are all ex members and have gone through much the same things we sometimes have a hard time when faced with a story like mine. Maybe its too graphic or maybe since we are all trying to move-on ; just something we dont want to let ourselves believe. I know as a fact that I was not the only one who went through something like this , I know people who went through much worse. As I wrote in my article I am more then willing to answer all and any questions I just asked that I be not judged before I answer. I have nothing to gain with telling my story. I did not write it with another name and I have my face and my childs on this site as well. Many I repeat many people know who I am( and not just ex- fam) on this site so it would be pretty stupid to make up some dramatic story. My cousin is on this site as well as my best friend and others , and it is not like being raped is something I feel proud of or get a kick out of making up. I know that it probably is just curious questioning and I dont mind it but I would like for other people to be able to write their stories without fear of our reactions. I know many stories that would have been posted already if it would not be because opening up something so private and painful is already hard enough without having to on top of it defend your credibility. Anyhow and all in all I feel good about having written it and like hearing everyones opinions. Have fun!

Original Location

broken body; strong spirit - Friday, August 22, 2003

I think that each person reacts uniquely to their own experiences, and to their own memories. For me, being from the "70's born" crowd, I went through a lot, had a lot of "experiences" (abuses), and each one of them is burned into my memory as if seared there. Most of the time I do not think about them, but when/if I do, they are in my memory as if it was yesterday, they are so clear. It's funny, because often other memories--even painful ones, like break-ups or severe sicknesses, etc--they can be hazy or blurred.

It's very true what you mentioned about being told so many times that no such thing happened, or that it was our "distorted" perception; they certainly filled me up with that. But for some reason, it never seemed to change the clarity of my memories. Maybe it was because I tend to be a very analytical person, and I try to understand everything so completely, and here I was as such a young child (my abuse started at 7 & 8), with these things happening to me, and I did not understand it at all (what child would?!), and so each experience really stayed with me, like I tried to keep it fresh until I could understand it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I think that might be why all my memories of those sexual experiences might be so clear.

At one point in my time in TF, a lot older and still trying to understand all what happened, I talked to a "shepherd" about it, and they told me that I was just being self-righteous about the things that happened to me, and that I was too stuck up and prudish, that if I was truely honest with myself, I would admit that I actually enjoyed it, (can you believe it?) and that I just needed to accept that and move on. It was at the time of the court cases, and all of the "Statements" were coming out, and we would have all these "study sessions" about the issues in the Statements. They drilled into us (their version) that we "were not really abused," and that even though it was true that some things should not have happened, they weren't really all that bad, and that we should compare our experiences to REAL abuse that happens in "the System," and would mention a horrendous story or two to convince us how "nice" we had it.

Ashamedly, I started to sometimes believe it. Maybe it's kind of like the situation where a rape victim will blame themselves, I started to think, well, maybe it wasn't really ALL bad. But it still didn't change my memory, I think I just put it out of my mind, because I couldn't reconcile in my mind how I was supposed to feel. I wanted to put it all behind me, I really did, but then I felt creepy about myself if I were to agree that "it wasn't that bad", because I felt that that veiw reflected on myself and my veiws on life. Like, it would make ME the pervert, you know?

Now that I am--finally--free from all that full-of-shit reasoning, I know for a fact how hideous it all was, how there is nothing "not that bad" about the things that happened to me (to any of us!!), and I am very glad to no longer feel guilty about how I look at my abuse, that I can finally put the blame where it should be, and be as angry as I want!

I don't know a whole lot about the healing process of abuse victims, and if I am really "healed" or not. Honestly, as a mother of young children, I don't hardly have time to analyse it all, ha! But I do know that I--like all of you that face similar pasts--am an incredibly strong woman, that whether or not I am completely free of my past (I don't know if you can ever be completely free of things like that), I am stronger for it, and I have overcome. I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful marriage, and I enjoy a wonderful sex life. Thankfully, I don't think my past has really affected me in those areas. I know that there are many that it does. Perhaps it is my husband that has a lot to do with that; the fact that he loves me as I am, regardless of all the screwed up past. I guess you could say I was healed (in the relationship department) through unconditional love.

I don't know, maybe it's not as simple as all that; I certainly don't want to say that there is no pain there, or that I have dealt with it properly or in a better way than anyone else. Obviously, just the fact that I remember each and every detail so clearly shows me that there is still a lot of healing process still needing to happen. Maybe being able to one day tell my stories and have someone give an APPROPRIATE, SANE reaction would help too. Telling your stories in full takes a lot of guts, and I want to "tip my hat" to all of you brave, strong people who have done just that. I think each and every person who has had to face any type of abuse at all is an extremely strong person. Just to decide to carry on inspite of your pain is amazing, and takes unspeakable courage.

Original Location

mikio - Sunday, July 13, 2003

Kenzie, it's nice to hear from a participant, I was in victor programs, isolation, "intensive care" programs consisting of work and paddling for any infractions including talking, for a couple years in Asia, many here were in for 5 or 6 years, the account given sounds chillingly similar to our program, I guess U all didn't get paddled in public when U got 6 demerits, but then again, I doubt the writer would've seen it if it did happen. Getting put in restraint sounds alot worse though.

I will tell U something about myself, I am a paper success, a good citizen, smart on paper, high GPA even though barely had any schooling in the program, about to graduate a #1 US News-ranked private college w/ 2 degrees and no debt because of almost $100K in scholarships -- I had a plan and worked hard at it, hardest part was working through feelings of self-doubt and inferiority which for some weird reason werent there before I went into the program. I should brag, but I have to admit I wake up at night shaking from dreams of being back in, I've taken martial arts for a number of years now, and I keep a loaded handgun close by whenever I am not on campus to feel secure were someone to drag me back in; this next comment may sound like I'm a phsyco, but sometimes I remember it and the calming thing to me is to get that soft, black Berretta out, hold it tight, feel its reassurance, and go through what I would've done had I had that soothing piece of metal on me when a couple "shepherds" led me down to a sealed up room where sound couldn't get out -- I cycle the action and seat a live round -- I wouldn't kill them, that's too easy, but if I were 14 again and had that gun, they would have the entire 15 rounds in the clip inside them and would never walk, have sex, and be in alot of physical pain the rest of their lives -- and I would've saved alot of kids like myself. Maybe I come across violent, but I'm a very pacifistic type of person, thought martial arts would change that but it didn't. Through college, helping other kids in counselling programs, assistant teaching kids in martial arts, I still years later am trying to resolve these issues, I fundamentally do not believe in the use of violence or force to push one's way, but I would consider it to be self-defense.

I dont know how to say this cuz I dont know what I would've listened to when I was so thankful the Lord had saved me, I tirelessly defended my upbringing and would've done anything to save it, even lied about it (I am in no way implying that U would, just me), I really believed I had to make the change permanent or the Lord would show the Shepherds that I was not sincere, I prayed for God to help me love correction and desire it cuz I knew it was the only way I could become anything, and I tried to believe it and then I sincerely did. we had govt immigration officials come to pre-arranged mtgs and be very impressed and think our group was the greatest in the world. We were prepped and went through hours learning what answers to give to the outside social workers who 'arent one of us and wouldn't understand our choices', we were just as eager to hide stuff as those who ran the program becuz it was 'our' lifestyle that was under attack and we didn't know much else, afraid our parents wouldn't take us back and we'd on our own and God would judge us severely for what we did -- fear of the unknown can cause U to do whatever it takes to stay.

Kenzie, the programs aren't going on anymore, there were a series of child abuse court cases around the world involving The Family, including one in the UK that ruled the treatment in victor programs as child abuse and illegal -- practices identical to Wwasp, I know U do believe that it helped U, and I went from an 11 yr old w/ problems to a nice adjusted teen when I got out at 16, but none of the resulting emotional problems surface for quite awhile because we learn to surpress all that so we can graduate, anything to graduate, and we subconsciously keep surpressing the new problems these programs have created for a couple more years, but not forever. This is not just refering to getting paddled for "a general bad attitude" or rolling yr eyes or "defiantly" spacing out during a bible class, purple welts heal, but the psycological trauma in my opinion is much worse, it stays with U a long time after. Our parents and the shepherds truly believed they were doing the right thing, I believed it was what I needed and if I listened to the Devil and questioned it at all, I would fall right back and lose all my progress. I dont know what else to say, U sound like me the first 3 yrs out. U may always feel that it was very good for U, but others who went through it dont (do a Google search if U dont believe me). Based on our experiences, they are not disgruntled losers who need an excuse for th

Original Location

Ana - Wednesday, July 02, 2003

I have to say that by the time I was half way through the letter I was almost crying. Because I remembered of the times that I was in the family and the horrible things that also happened to me (like make me swallow two table spoons of chilli pepper as a punishment,horrible spankings were becoming an everyday activity, scrubbing our tongue with soap and a cloth brush)these are only some of the light punishments that we had. I must say that the adults in the family are the most hypocrit people I've ever known. Has anybody taken a peek to what they are having for devotions lately? All that power of the seven keys and visions shows me that the family is going totally crazy. Now some sort of seven keys have more power than Jesus, has anyone noticed that they don't pray in the name of Jesus anymore they pray in the freakin' power of the seven keys. I feel horrible to know that spent seventeen years of my life in a crazy cult that teaches crazy shit to their kids. I'm telling you when I left the family I finally saw how weird I was at the time and how family kids in some way all of them have a weird or scared look on their face not normal at all. I don't want to write anymore so I'll just stop here. Thank you Rick for writing everything that you know about Berg's home, I already suspected some of that crazy stuff.

192 accounts.
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