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Getting Through : In Remembrance
Fake Plastic Expression | from cyborcosmic - Thursday, October 31, 2002
accessed 2154 times For Jasmine My sister Jasmine (24) was a victim of an involuntary undertaking. Born in 'The Family' we were destroyed in the pursuit of Religion. She lived and died a victim. Not a self-imposed victim like our parents were; but a child who was never given a choice. Up until this year I had pretended that I had put my past behind me. On April 13th, 2002 my dearest sister Jasmine jumped from the 7th floor of my Dad's apartment. She had slit her wrists first. I identified her in the early morning, and since this dramatic event: my life has changed. This episode gave me the strength to try to understand my past experiences. All of them! The experience in the cult for me is still partly forgotten, but when I remember it all I will write my story. I would like to write about how I felt since the 90's. After spending time with my mom in the RTC (retraining-centre) in Amsterdam, our family was excommunicated. (this was in 92, and I was 9 years old)
We were an example for the rest of the followers. My parents took this hard, and they suddenly had many negative attitudes about the cult. They were never deprogrammed and were really unfit parents. They were not able to help me or my sisters throughout childhood. They were busy trying to move on themselves. I felt smarter than them and I refused to forgive them for the stupid choices they made. I grew bitter. In and Out of Society I was never genuine with people and always pretending. In The Family I developed a 'pseudo personality' which I relied on everyday (Survival Mode). I was also closed off. I showed very little self-expression. My behavior was fearful, insecure, instable and self-destructive. I was always wanting attention but fearful of criticism. When I did behave 'normally' it was a fake plastic expression of the truth. I deceived so many people into thinking I was ok with everything and that I was happy. In doing so I let myself down. While in Society I avoided my own age group (they could not EVER understand the trauma I had been through!) and I would seek approval from adults in everything that I did trying to feel adequate (in TF we were never equal)
I also avoided loving, caring relationships because I would then 'have to explain myself'. I felt that no one really loves me anyway and that I did not deserve to be loved. TF taught us to give 100% without ever questioning. I began to date men who I didn't always care for so I would compensate physically. I lost my virginity at 13.
I still believed that I had to submit and give freely without questioning. At the time I was indoctrinated that giving sex shows ultimate love. My sexual experiences up until now were incomprehensible. I felt so far away. I felt physically sick But I learned to put my own feelings aside (believing that they didn't matter) and I wanted the guy to be happy with me.
Up until the last boyfriend I had, I was unable to orgasm because I felt so many other things interfere. I think the difference was that I actually liked him.
I was extremely independent since TF. I felt very lonely even though I had my Family and friends and they cared about me and I cared strongly about them, but I was uncaring when questioned about my own plans for the future. I leapt to negative conclusions regarding everything. My faith had been manipulated and abused, so for me there is a lack of trust in people. Pain was the only experience that was real to me and I was suspicious about anyone who was friendly. My personal feelings, all bottled-up, grew stronger so that I could no longer deny them....
So I learned to face all of these things. For real.
I grew aware and stopped avoiding my feelings, and when I did I found a real emotional nature inside that was always hidden. I feel really exposed and vulnerable but I know it's me and not a fake plastic expression. I could show my weak points without being fearful of the reactions of others. Interaction became more important and criticism is needed sometimes to grow. I began to show that I can be wrong sometimes. The negative feelings of insecurity stopped because I stopped directing negativities at myself. My thoughts became less obscure, and I developed my inner nature.
The spur of the moment invents many possibilities and choice of expression. What we choose to express and how we express it is based on our emotional nature. Express the moment, just be a living being.
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from cyborcosmic
Wednesday, May 21, 2003 - 08:47
(Agree/Disagree?)
I would like to add this:
Last year when I was writing about my feelings I saw that; before this heart-breaking point I had never honoured my feelings. I had tried to control them and push them away. Or use a Plastic expression, or compromise of Truth.
This was because I always had to respect other people’s feelings and consider them over me. If I considered myself first then I was acting ‘selfish’. Also I felt a lot of pain and loneliness when I did consider my feelings.
Then the unthinkable happened, from 2000-2002, I first lost a friend in an accident, Hector, who was the love of my sister Jasmine and then her (my sister) through suicide- she didn’t want to live with the pain of life, or the pain of losing love again.
Before she took her life we were both emotional and insecure towards life, realizing that we are never fully in control of events, they were circumstantial, but we are not the victims of circumstance either. We are who we choose to be. My sister chose for her destiny, she knew that I would make it without her. When she did it, I felt everything hidden come to the surface I thought I was hurting because of the abuse I sustained, but it hurt more denying my feelings. I lived in fear and pain, and I lived a lie by covering my misery. I wallowed in self-pity, convincing myself that I would never know happiness after living through so much abuse and grief. All the abuse I had been inflicting on myself had to stop so I could feel what really is : Love.
My sister was pretty aware of Life, she helped others to find and love themselves, to forgive themselves. (For instance, my Mom!) This takes a great strength and understanding – an unconditional love for ourselves and others. Compassion.
In the months that followed her death, I was still negative, I thought that I couldn’t handle it, and the circumstances were too overwhelming, I thought to myself: I deserve to die.
But I didn’t! Instead, I started living. I had nothing more to lose and nothing to win. I didn’t need to satisfy anything anymore, I was free. I have found a longing for what is real and nothing else can satisfy me anymore. This isn’t to say that I don’t need anybody, we all need to love, especially after a loss so great. I wanted to forgive and love our Parents and stop blaming them and myself. However deep the hatred and fear, underneath there is still love for each other. And it is everlasting, I still feel love and deep admiration for my sister- for all the times she stood up for me, for all the times she encouraged me, for all the times she listened to me and she never requested anything for herself. She has my love, acceptance and compassion. Even though I can’t hug her, I can listen and feel - And our hearts desire is being filled. The desire is for love and it is all that I need. All else is not going to last, so its unimportant. In knowing such a wondrous Life - full of surprises and reminders – I feel great peace and fulfilment, all you have to do is listen and feel what is around you.
(Just as a note, it is very important to feel what you feel, this was never so in the family, we were fake 'happy' outside, while on the inside, discontent. )
(reply to this comment)
| from Dani
Thursday, December 26, 2002 - 22:03
(Agree/Disagree?)
Dear Cyborcosmic
I very sorry to hear about your sister.
I knew her very well, we were quite close when we were about 11.
I can't say that I fully understand the pain and the grief that you must of gone through.
Your sister was very beautiful and smart, it seems a shame that she is gone.
I wish you the best and send my condolences on your loss.
Dani
(reply to this comment)
| | | | from cyborcosmic
Tuesday, November 26, 2002 - 05:48
(Agree/Disagree?)
After pushing away the people who had wanted to help and losing everything things only got worse. Then I had really felt out of place. Looking around I saw competence and happy people; yet I regarded myself as lost - an outcast; feeling seperated from everyone by my feelings of loneliness and thinking that this is what I had deserved- ! Although I know now that this was because I was out of touch with my feelings and not letting myself connect because all I would feel when connecting was the pain.
Depression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is the reduction of feeling. Reduction of all feeling. So I now allow myself some pain too,remember:
Feeling is not selective!If you can't feel pain, you aren't going to feel anything else either. The world is full of pain, but also joy and goodness.
I just think that us ex-fam try and not feel any pain or joy when remembering our time in the family, we would rather forget! but you're missing the whole
point. The point being:It happened and sometimes these events just happen! Looking for someone to blame or a reason will just keep you in the past. Besides, punishment through guilt never brought justice to anyone. Or forgiveness!!!
(reply to this comment)
| from another "has been" plastic expression
Sunday, November 03, 2002 - 16:47
(Agree/Disagree?)
Standing ovation to you!! I can relate to everything you discovered about yourself. The negative thoughts, the inabillity to accept personal flaws, the plastic personality, X. boyfriends that I'm embarrased to talk about. And I also had (still have) a "split personality" for survival that I used to rely heavily on.
Right now I'm discovering this inner peace I have with myself. And I believe that the more truthful I am with my own feelings, emotions, thoughts and actions the more this inner peace is taking over my life. And I'm loving it.
(reply to this comment)
| from Ian
Saturday, November 02, 2002 - 13:23
(Agree/Disagree?)
I don't even know what to say, that was deep. We have been thru similar past lives but I can't pretend to understand your loss or your pain. I wish you the best, and I'm glad to see you here sharing your thoughts with the rest of us.
Ian
(reply to this comment)
| from Withheld
Saturday, November 02, 2002 - 04:55
(Agree/Disagree?)
I can relate completely! I must say however that utill reading a few articles in relation to this topic I had been extreemly critical of this site. The theme is "Moving on" & yet all the topics I encountered seemed geared on bitterness' & malcontents from our past & not in my view moving on at all.
You will encounter as I have that most everyone we grew up w/ has experienced to varying degrees negative influences (whether it be from specific individuals or F Dogma) which will indelibly affect our capacity to coexist in society without serious adjustments.
I had thought I had much success with my rationale. Which is to black it out & have as little to do w/ my past as a way to start fresh, similar to your survival mode or plastic feelings.
I now see that my own sense of security is fatally flawed in that considering myself whole & "normal w/ out coming to terms w/ my demons is just another escape or false reality.
How to come to terms w/ all the negativity is a sore point for me, I distain people who engage in endless chatter w/ no real relevance to the theme I believe this site is based "Moving on! Props to everyone who has submitted their experience's on this harsh topic! Much appreciated -J
(reply to this comment)
| from Withheld
Saturday, November 02, 2002 - 04:55
(Agree/Disagree?)
I can relate completely! I must say however that utill reading a few articles in relation to this topic I had been extreemly critical of this site. The theme is "Moving on" & yet all the topics I encountered seemed geared on bitterness' & malcontents from our past & not in my view moving on at all.
You will encounter as I have that most everyone we grew up w/ has experienced to varying degrees negative influences (whether it be from specific individuals or F Dogma) which will indelibly affect our capacity to coexist in society without serious adjustments.
I had thought I had much success with my rationale. Which is to black it out & have as little to do w/ my past as a way to start fresh, similar to your survival mode or plastic feelings.
I now see that my own sense of security is fatally flawed in that considering myself whole & "normal w/ out coming to terms w/ my demons is just another escape or false reality.
How to come to terms w/ all the negativity is a sore point for me, I distain people who engage in endless chatter w/ no real relevance to the theme I believe this site is based "Moving on! Props to everyone who has submitted their experience's on this harsh topic! Much appreciated -J
(reply to this comment)
| from EyesWideShut
Friday, November 01, 2002 - 10:56
(Agree/Disagree?)
Wow!
(reply to this comment)
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