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Getting Through : In Remembrance
My Brother | from breakaway - Tuesday, November 23, 2004
accessed 2712 times My brother Amos, died of an overdose at the age of 21 after having been outside the family for aproximately 3 years. He received no help from the family upon leaving. Here are my thoughts on why his life had to end tragically. 
Ever since he was a little boy, my brother Amos (yes, he had a name, he wasn't just some "rotten apple" kid full of the devil's thoughts)had problems sitting still, concentrating for long periods of time such as prayer meetings, long talks, devotions and training courses. He would probably have been diagnosed with ADD if he had gone to regular school. He hated it when our mom used to compare us, wondering out loud to herself why it was that he wasn't as good as disciple of Jesus or student of God's word as I, his sister was, telling him he was going to grow up to be a poor street kid if he didn't "pay attention and learn". He hated having to sell literature on the street for a living. He least liked the "heavenly posters" and prefered to sell the "endtime posters", which had a more violent message with fighting and fleeing from the enemies of the Family incorporated into the story line.
He wasn't very "cute", he didn't sing well and couldn't stand the Family's music either. All in all, he was what a radical Family parent would consider a failure. He didn't adhere to my parent's beliefs and was belittled most of the time for it. I don't know how many spankings and beatings he had, prayers for deliverance, silence restrictions, victor programs and other crackpot treatments he was given. My parents and other adults involved in "teen training" simply expected him to fit in to the "cookie cutter" lifestyle and were horrified that he would want to do anything other than their version of serving God. He told me that he always felt like he disappointed our parents and I always felt bad for him.
Throughout his adolescence he would do bizarre things in a desperate plea for attention. I knew he was hurting inside more than anyone could imagine. Doubless he needed professional psychological attention. Although I was also very unhappy, I was good at lying about my feelings so as not to get in trouble for "voicing doubts", which was just about the worst thing someone in TF could do. I did many other hurtful things to myself, like hiding the fact that I was being sexually abused by some adults and becoming anorexic to the point of barely having strength to walk. My brother however was less able to withstand his sadness.
When my parents realized they weren't helping him, they decided to look for some other family members that could take him in. My brother however resented being in the care of anyone who he thought would try to control his thoughts and attitudes in the way that they had been controled up until now. He ended up on his own in Sao Paulo, Brazil, with no documented education whatsoever, no financial help from my parents or the family and no job. The fact that he was able to find work in a huge city with no friends (his only friends, who were family young people, were forbidden to talk to him after a while) and support himself without getting into a life of crime was incredible. After I left, he was really sweet to me and generously lent me money (even though he had very little).
As luck would have it, he made friends with some much older people who used a lot of drugs. He began using drugs more and more and I think it was then that he got more in touch with himself and his feelings after being so controlled most of his life. Unfortunately, he was too young and inexperienced to realize the dangerous waters he was entering. His life started to get out of control faster than anyone realized. I even started having trouble dealing with him because everything was so intense.
One night I got a call from one of his best friends telling me that he had overdosed. When I got to his place he was dead. Everything was covered in blood and my little brother was dead at the age of 21. I had to take care of his burial alone at the age of 23 in a strange country, without the help of our parents or anyone else. I spoke with the doctor who did the autopsy and she confirmed it was an overdose. I had to identify his body that had been cut open on the doctor's table. I washed his face until all the blood came off, combed his hair and kissed him goodbye. I ironed his favorite clothes, put them on him, called his closest friends and we buried him without much ceremony.
I did not have my parent's telephone number at that time but I contacted some Family members who put me in contact with my parents. Unfortunately, they had been too busy saving the world and following David Berg and Karen Zerby to even visit my brother and I for 5 years. One of us had to die in order for them to come and see how we were doing. To this day my parents seem to have no understanding of what went on in our lives or what they could have done wrong. They sincerely beleive that they made the best possible effort to help Amos. It's too late to go back and undo everything that the Family did to wreck my brother's life. Even though I have gone on to have a happy and productive life, contrasting what happened to my brother in every way, this does not mean that his death was his fault. Everyone has a tolerance for negativity in their life and my brother obviously found his limit. I was able to deal with things better than he was which only further proves that he was denied the medical help and attention he needed. I know in my heart that if he had gotten professional help when he needed it and had felt loved and accepted for who he was, he would not have died.
I want him to be remembered and not swept under the rug. I want people to know what happened to him. I want the world to know that I loved him and I still think of him everyday. I will do everything in my power to make sure that my kids are not raised like my brother and I were.
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from MM
Sunday, April 16, 2006 - 17:31
(Agree/Disagree?)
Hi there.
I do not know you but I was one of your brothers friends in the Family.
I know what it is like for I have bean through the same thing and almost died a few times in OD, the rejection from the Family was and still is so intence in so many was that it still hurt inside.
I sympathize with you and would like to help you in any way possible, I would like to know more about you also if you would like to get in contact with me write me a msg.
sencearly.....
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| from cass&eman
Sunday, April 16, 2006 - 13:57
(Agree/Disagree?)
My brother Eman Died when he was 19 from an OD as well. I share your pain and whish that his was the only story like it. I hate them and all that they have done. Until I found this site I did not relize that there were so many of us.
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| from Estie
Tuesday, December 07, 2004 - 15:42
(Agree/Disagree?)
I remember Amos a lot, since I was one of the many girls that had a crush on him....he was truly one of my best teenage memories as well.
I lived with his family in Rio, & Salvador & Sao Paulo. He was always a great person to be around, he had so much energy & was constatly being "foolish" which made him so attractive! He was a wonderful person & even though he was considered a " rotten apple", & was constantly in trouble he was one of the people that always has a smile on his face!
Although the last time I saw him he was 15, I still miss him.
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| from Estie
Tuesday, December 07, 2004 - 15:41
(Agree/Disagree?)
I remember Amos a lot, since I was one of the many girls that had a crush on him....he was truly one of my best teenage memories as well.
He was always a great person to be around, he had so much energy & was constatly being "foolish" which made him so attractive! He was a wonderful person & even though he was considered a " rotten apple", & was constantly in trouble he was one of the people that always has a smile on his face!
Although the last time I saw him he was 15, I still miss him.
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| from Cultinvator
Monday, November 29, 2004 - 17:50
(Agree/Disagree?)
Amos was my brother too, not physically, but we spent my later childhood, and almost all my teen years together. He had a bit of a jim carrey charm to him, he seemed deviant, but it was part of his charm.
People liked him because he didn't care what people thought, he didn't respect people who were fake and could make light out of the most toxic and bitter situations.
I think a lot of people like to talk about him like they knew everything and judge him for things they know nothing about. Yea he was a bit hyper, but who's to say if that's good or bad. A lot of the best people in our planet had faster processors, and couldn't deal with boring lectures, and fake pretenders.
From the summer day I met him in Southern Spain when he visited my parent's home till our last days in Salvador and Sao Paulo I consider Amos and Josh to be my very best friends during a time that otherwise would have been a boring long unbearable struggle of assholes and political cult backstabbings.
If you're watching from some alternate reality, Famous Amos, You're in my best of teen memories! If you were here a bit longer I'm sure you would have ended up being a hollywood star, or at the least continued to be the magnetic enigmatic character that brought the real playful side in people.
Koudos to you bro!
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| from
Sunday, November 28, 2004 - 16:38
(Agree/Disagree?)
Breakaway, I know a little of how you must feel, I lost a friend tragically and I fear for myself too. I have worked very hard and beat many odds and yet a few days ago I had to kneel on my shaky legs to clean up my hemorraghing from the effects on my blood of drinking to forget for a few days, to find peace. I had a sibling who was like yours in The Family but lo and behold he turned out more even-keeled than me. Who knows why it works like it does. I guess it could be because we are all unique, which the Family tried to supress.
You sound strong and I think you will have a fabulous life and loved children. All the best!
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| from monique
Thursday, November 25, 2004 - 05:42
 (Agree/Disagree?)
How many of our brothers and sisters are going to die, get into trouble with the law or lead lives filled without guidance. Of course guidance is something we can never get from our parents. Any adults who willfully joined the cult are mentally weak people who needed someone to tell them what to do. They needed a "leader" to tell them what to do on every level of their lives. I cannot imagine what your sorrow must be in this event. I am so sorry for your lose. I have a brother who is just like this and have tried very hard to help him. But he is way past his years of learning. I fear for him too. And hope that the help I have offered is having an after affect.
Our parents were too busy having children and preaching to the world to care about those already born to them....
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| from Trish
Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - 09:06
(Agree/Disagree?)
I got to know Amos quite well when I was 15 and living in Sao Paulo. I can still remember hearing he had died, I was so shocked! The thing that always stuck with me was that he wasn't a bad guy he just was not like everybody else so he was always in trouble for something, kind of like me. I was with him and his dad the day his dad was looking at Aichan's parent's place to see about placing Amos with them, I went along as I spoke fluent portuguese. Boy did we have an interesting day, I'll never forget walking off as his dad was deep in conversation and just walking around and talking for a couple of hours, he just needed someone who understood him and cared about him. I found out he died a couple of days after it happend and the first thing I thought was "why him", of all the people I had known when in TF why was it him?
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| from Baxter
Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - 02:12
(Agree/Disagree?)
It all sounds vaguely familiar; what I find interesting is the fact that you point to his inability to lie as an underlying cause of his inability to be accepted. It's probably one of the most bizarre aspects of growing up in that organisation, that most of us who managed pull out successfully will actually be the most competent liars. I remember this well: everything from inventing 'prophecy' to fabricating NWOs and weaknesses to keep shepherds off my back. It's seems ironic that to survive the state of spiritualist paranoia, we had to feed it.
It's like, in a twisted and perverse way, it's almost the one thing we can almost be grateful to the Family for: the fact that they taught us from a very young age, to be able to lie to anyone who thinks they know us or are close to us, and do do convincingly. In consideration, it's probably not far from the very distinct skill of being able to look at the consequential problems that your children face as a result of your failure as a parent, and lie to yourself that you did nothing wrong
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| | | | | | | from Vicky
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 23:22
(Agree/Disagree?)
So sad! This is beautifully written. I am sorry for your loss, truly.
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