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from R.S Wednesday, June 13, 2007 - 17:13 (Agree/Disagree?) hey gucci gurl. I could of related to what your saying a couple years ago. I was almost exactly how u were. your probably thinking " who the fuk is this young punk" but its true. the whole time i was brought up in that shit i was i guess what they called one of the "bad apples". anyways when i got out of that shit, i was a mess. i was confused, angry, had no clue what the outside world was like, let alone had in store for me. so what did i do, somthing ur fighting against. a little ironic. hehe i joined a gang and became a "bad guy". sold a shit load of crack, down, glass, weed, got shot a couple times. u might be thinking why the fuk ar u telling me this. but in that time when i was still into that stuff i learned alot of shit and went through alot. I realised, whats the use in looking back and being mad at my fukin past?theres no use in looking at ur past and let it haunt it for the rest of ur life!! thats what i did and now i got into some shit that ill probably have to be in untill i get killed of arrested... u see i realised a little to late, thats the only reason why im telling u this. u have ur whole life ahead of u! a good life to, where u can make ur own decisions! dont fuk it up!! ricky for an example was a bitch!! anyone with no guts can take a gun to their head and end it, it takes real courage to fight and face the troubles and hard times in life!! (no offence) i didnt write this to piss u off im just sharing somthing with u that i wouldnt be able to talk about to any of my "friends". so if ur smart ull learn from other peoples mistakes. bye R.S (reply to this comment)

from Guccigirl Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 17:16 (Agree/Disagree?) Obviously I have emotion, which goes without saying. Here lays the problem. We grew up in a culture in which the display or discussion of emotion was practically forbidden. I know I’m not the only one who was beaten severely and had to memorize every quote and verses in the bible on “forsaking all”. When I was about 8 or 9 my mother (single parent) was told she had to leave us kids and go work in a Selah home. My brother and I were basically abandoned – in a home which could only be described as pedophiles wet dream. Initially no one was even taking care of us. Later on a family “took us under their wing” or should I say: spotted the perfect opportunity to take advantage of the situation. If we were caught crying for missing our mum or if we cried and asked her to please take us back with her we were beaten. Later I was a Mene case, looking at a Shepard the wrong way would result in beatings that would last for days. Same thing happened in the Victors program. The point is: I’ve become so used to blocking it out that sometimes it’s overwhelming. It is next to impossible for me to let my guard down enough to allow any one to get to close and if I feel they are, I automatically shut down. In relationships I am not able to discuss feelings or emotions – I just draw a complete blank. I don’t even like to hear the words “I love you” those words have no meaning to me whatsoever. Literally every decision I make is made from a rational or logical stand point, but never on emotion. (reply to this comment)

from valhala Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 16:29 (Agree/Disagree?) I think i can safely say i know how you feel. Its not the easiest path to travel in life where your forced to take up responsiblity at a very young age and climb the ladder too however life goes on and bits of it do get better however a buildup of intense emotions are very unhealthy for both body and mind i used to consider myself in the bracket of ppl who would shrug off any and all intense emotions and bury them somewhere inside but after giving my condition a bit of thought i hit upon the conculsion that this reaction can be very easily linked to a popular belief in TF which is to "take it by faith son and leave it up to the lord" .....FUCK NO !!!... im not gonna wrap my issues and worries and emotions in a fucking bundle of faith even though the outcome might not be the best by following my emotions sometimes, i can live through it by knowing that ive expressed pain,anger,joy,greed,lust,irrationality,sloth and whatever the fuck that makes me human ...because that is all i am and i have come to terms with that. what makes you feel more alive, emotional conditioning or emotions expressed? Indulge in your responses and emotions thats what makes you, you. and to those of you who think otherwise fuck off! :-) (reply to this comment)

from cheeks Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 13:29 (Agree/Disagree?) For me to be able to let go of the pain was to let myself remember what I went through. I never had forgotten but for many, many years I did not let myself go through those memories as I was just not able to cope with them. When I finaly allowed myself to sit there and remember what was done and who did it, it helped to start the healing process. One of my favorite movies now and I watch it every time it comes on is Good Will Hunting. Where Robin Williams says it is not your fault, it is not your fault. It is not my fault, I was the victim. It was done to me. I was unable to defend myself. I am now no longer a victim I am a survivor. Those memories no longer have the power to hurt me. I have taken that away from my abusers and reclaimed what was mine. My body, MY heart, My soul, MY memories. So yes it does get better. It takes time and it takes acceptance of who you are now, and in a way what was done to you. I will never have my day in court, I will never be able to point and say yes it was him. I have come to terms with that. I am still angry that they were allowed to do what was done to so many of us and I will still look for some sort of Justice but they no longer have the power to hurt me. (reply to this comment)

from Phoenixkidd Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 08:48 (Agree/Disagree?) Gucci, I know exactly what you mean, We were raised to put emphasis on our emotion for the love of the Lord and others foremost in our lives. Then when we finally left the cult, we had to buy and do many things we didn't want just to survive. Now, I know I am at that stage, where I want to just have fun and do the things that I've always wanted to do. and I feel much much better. There was a while when I felt that way, just trudging to my job, just trying to eke out a living. Now I feel I have more purpose and I hope you can too. Some helpful tips I have found: 1. Exercise--It's necessary for mental and physical health, plus it occupies a lot of "extra" time, that you may not think you have but people will respect you for it. 2. Stay outside, Hike or jog get some air in your lungs, yard work--There's nothing like digging into the earth with a pick axe or a shovel. Plus it occupies time and is visually rewarding. 3. Develop key friendships. --It's not about quantity it's about qualilty, find key people and key places that you both enjoy. 4. Make random purchases--We were taught all our lives to buy only necessary things, or things that had multi-functions. Now the thing that makes me happy is buying something that I don't really need but want--it doesn't have to be big!--Just $100.00 or so. 5. After work activity--I find that taking a class that you enjoy and being around random strangers interested in the same things you are is rewarding, it makes you feel like you belong in the community--I once took an art history class just for fun (well it was a pre-rec) but I found out that I could really make some good stuff! 6. Take a vacation--It costs a lot, but you need to get away from it all--I hate the desert where I live and I don't like my part of town, so going on a trip is rewarding--Be sure to shut off the cell phone for most of the day. 7. Cell phones--Although they are good, and for some people an integral part of their business, I feel it really stops me from enjoying the moment plus alot of phone calls can be avoided altogether by letting some time pass between key decisions....I have found there is a lot of wisdom in the way our ancestors did things. Last Love yourself, really take that photoshoot of yourself. I did once, it's a bit narcissist but big deal, you are a beautiful person and you must remember how you were when you get older. P.S. Visit the Grandparents, they do have a lot of wisdom and are usually just dying to share it with you. Take care Abe (reply to this comment)

from Ne Oublie Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 05:45 (Agree/Disagree?) Emotionality is overrated - bring on emotional stability! (reply to this comment)

from sar Thursday, April 26, 2007 - 02:04 (Agree/Disagree?) There's nothing wrong with emotional stability. I doubt you're emotionally dead though. Frustration is an emotion. Fear is an emotion. Anger is an emotion. The fact that you are not crying or laughing or alternating between the two all the time does not make you emotionally dead. The way I see it is why why would I want to feel miserable? What's the point in that? I think anyone is capable of controlling their emotions, so if I have the choice not to be emotionally unstable, why would I want to be. I can think of only two reasons. Boredom is one of them, but then I think there are things that are more fun than crying or comiserating. The other reason I think people do it is for attention. Perhaps their fear of being alone is high and so they cry and then people feel bad about leaving them, or they're afraid that people will get bored of them if they're not putting on a spectacle. Lots of people do find spectacles amusing or bonding and yay for them. Personally, I don't find emotional spectacles amusing nor do I have any desire to bond with people on an emotional level, so I see no need or reason to be emotionally unstable in that way. Anyway, all that to say, no point crying about not being miserable - its not all its cranked up to be. (reply to this comment)

From Guccigirl Thursday, April 26, 2007, 17:28 (Agree/Disagree?) Ok, you totally missed the point! Hello, not like I want to be misreable -I'm thinking not so much. Definately not bored or looking for attention. (reply to this comment)

from Valarie Wednesday, April 25, 2007 - 12:48 (Agree/Disagree?) I compleatly understand what you are feeling. Life is so messed up. I wonder whats the point? What are we even trying to acomplish and for what. More money, Happiness, Security? Fuck, if I get though the damn day I'll be happy. Life is a bitch and then you die! (reply to this comment)

from Nancy Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 10:53 (Agree/Disagree?) "A well-functioning brain has strong connections up and down so that people can integrate thinking and feeling. Otherwise, they either 'live in their heads,' as we say, where they are cut off from their feelings, or, on the flip side, they are flooded with affect and cannot reason. Neither situation is desirable. A key factor in how these synaptic connections form and how strong they are appears to be the relationship between the primary caregiver, usually the mother, and the infant. When the mother is attuned to the infant’s cues and able to respond sensitively, contingently, and in a timely fashion to her child, a proliferation of dendritic growth in the child’s right brain connects these lower and higher cortical regions. Additionally, the “good-enough mother” acts as a psychobiological regulator, calming and soothing the child when s/he is distressed and enlivening her/him when s/he is bored or dissociated. The child then develops a secure attachment to the mother. Eventually, the baby will be able to internalize these functions and become able to regulate his/her own affect. But if these functions are lacking in the primary caregiver, they will have serious consequences for the child." This is from the article about childhood maltreatment posted by Falcon. I think that all of us that grew up in the dysfunctional environment of the cult have lost to some degree the "up and down" connection that integrates thinking and feeling. So, we either are like you describe, unable to feel and function only through logic and reason or we are like me and feel so deeply that it nearly takes us under. My side of it is called emotion dysregulation disorder. I feel so acutely that it shakes my whole body. I cannot connect to my rational mind. The logic is there. I see the problem, but I cannot regulate the emotions that overwhelm me with that rational mind. I also need to bleed, but I need it for another reason. I need to bleed in order to release some of the internal pain that builds up until I reach critical mass and cannot even stand. I actually envy people like you that got the opposite. I had that once for a short period of time. I'd been through such an emotionally draining relationship and I'd hurt so profoundly that I finally reached the point of numbness. It was ecstasy. When someone new came along, I begged him repeatedly not to pursue me. I didn't want to feel again. I didn't want to ever experience the depth of pain I'd finally come out of. But, he did, and I fell. I knew at the time when my rational mind was finally working and my emotions were dead that if I ever went there, again, it would take me under. But, I did. I went there with the new one that came along, and I fell, again. I fell hard, and then, when it was over, it took me further down than I ever thought possible. I'm still there to some extent trying desperately to keep my nose above the water of the emotional pain. I'm closing my eyes and trying not to panic hoping that the numbness will set in at the last possible second when I can't tread water any longer. I know people like you, though. I love one in particular. He lives in his head and is cut off from his emotions, just as I live in my heart and am cut off from my reason. I've called him a narcissist in the most loving, caring, idealizing way I know how. And the strange thing is that I would give my arm to make sure that my own child doesn't get what I have. I never want him to know what it is like to feel to the extent I do. I want him to be a man of science and logic, even if it means that he will never be as creative and as empathetic as I can be. I don't want him to be a deep sea diver, as I am. I know when I am under water so to speak, I can bring back with me creativity that lies on the bottom of the emotional sea. I'm willing that my son never knows that because the same sea that can produce so much can also turn against you and take you over. (reply to this comment)

From truly Thursday, April 26, 2007, 01:46 (Agree/Disagree?) I remember as a child, I was full of emotion… full of life and expression, but then something very traumatic happened to me at the age of 12 and I felt myself shut down. It didn’t happen over night. I remember the process taking a week or so. It started with an overwhelming amount of emotion that I couldn’t control. I remember crying for 3 days straight… I couldn’t stop, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t eat; only tears would come. After 3 days passed the tears stopped and I felt nothing. I became completely numb to the world around me. If I had to compare my state of being to something, I would have to describe it as watching a black and white movie with no sound. I could view my surroundings, but they were blurred and seemed almost fictitious in a sense. I felt as though I was watching the events going on, never involved, but simply observing as you would a movie or a dream. People would talk to me and I wouldn’t hear them, I couldn’t answer. I saw their mouths move, but I was unable to comprehend the meaning of their words. I was completely oblivious to any feeling whatsoever. I guess you could say, I had gone into complete shock. I stayed this way for a few months. I was put in a room and prayed over, because they thought I was being rebellious and defiant, because of my lack of communication and response. Little by little I came out of it, but not completely; I never fully recovered. Again, at age 17, another event took me to that place. It came the same way, but it took me a little longer to come out of it this time. When I was in this state of mind, I felt no sense of emotion whatsoever, no sadness, joy, hate, fear, nothing. You could have beaten me and I wouldn’t have felt a thing. I didn’t sleep, eat, or speak. I was a vegetable with no sign of life other than the fact that I was breathing and moving. After I left TF at the age of 18, I had recovered somewhat, but the feeling of being in a dream, not fully participating in my own life, but merely being an observer, with very little feeling had never fully gone away. To this day, I can go days without any sleep at all. My brain seems to be in a continuous state of subconscious awareness. I would describe it as forever being on auto pilot. I am completely operational, but I am never fully functioning at full throttle. I am the equivalent of a robot that views life without color or meaning. A few years back I became sick of a life without feeling and I became determined to restore the aspect of humanity I found sadly lacking in myself. I felt dead inside and I knew that I had life in me somewhere. I realized that in order to protect myself from feeling the pain and hurt, I had killed the very life I was trying to protect. I knew this, but I didn’t know how to find the part I had shut down. One day it hit me; I knew exactly what I had to do. I had to find a way back to my emotions and this meant going back into the very feelings that had shut them down. I knew it would be difficult, I knew that it would be traumatic, but I also knew that if I did not find a way to recover my emotions and feel again, that I might as well be dead. I had to go back there, to that place… I put myself back in the very same situation, I felt it again, and I felt the pain, the fear, all the overwhelming emotions and I allowed myself to free fall into them. I dove head first into my memories, without reservation and I vividly replayed them over and over again. I allowed myself to cry and be angry. I came to a point where I recognized my mind numbing, but I told myself “no”! Instead of shutting down, I was going to break down. It was a very difficult period in my life. I became very depressed for a couple of years. I had turned it on, but I had fallen into an emotional black hole that was so deep and dark and I didn’t know how to climb back out. I was feeling again, but I was a total utter mess. I wondered if I had made a disastrous mistake and if I only had the option of one way or the other… to feel to the point of insanity or to be numb to the point of lifelessness. I needed balance. What I lacked was the ability to control my emotions. I had let them completely overtake me. I feared them and gave them the power to leave me helpless… lost in them. That was it… I was afraid! I had been afraid to feel… to not feel, to allow myself control… to be out of control. I didn’t trust myself and had allowed fear to control my life. I had built a prison and put myself there. I needed to be free and in order to do so; I needed to free myself from my fear. The saying “Freedom isn’t free at all”… so true! Freedom always comes with a price that either you pay or someone pays for you, but I believe the freedom that holds true value is the freedom you learn to give to yourself and this freedom does come at a price. To gain it you must have the courage to stare fear in the eyes, to understand it, to feel it, to know it, to let it take you to that place where it could easily take you under. You cannot go halfway or shut down while doing so, but must let it take you to the point of no return and hope that when you get there, you find the inner strength to turn and grab hold of that fear and see it for what it is…YOU…weakness in you. Then you can laugh at yourself for allowing it to have had such power over you, knowing it only has the power you choose to give it. People can abuse you, torture you, even kill you, but they can’t break you, nor take anything from you, unless you hand it to them. When you come to the realization that you are the only one that holds power over yourself, your emotions, your feelings, your fear and that no one, including yourself, has any rights to you, unless you allow them to, this, to me, is the meaning of being free. You are your own master and you CAN control your emotions without fearing them and this is what I have come to realize. I have learned that they have their place and their place is under my control. I respect them and allow them in order to make my life more real and full. I have a long way to go and there are emotions I am still running from, but my passion for life has been restored and I feel alive and in control for the very first time. When I feel overwhelmed by emotion, I know now to contain them until I am in a proper place to deal with them and let them loose, feel them completely, and let them pass on. I have found that by giving them an outlet, they don't build up to the point that they overtake me for days on end. Music seems to help; writing is a huge outlet (as you unfortunately have been witness to), also running, and taking long walks by myself. Yoga and meditation have done wonders for me, as they have helped me to learn how to center my self and find balance. As with everything in life, the key is balance. There are a lot of details involved and I am continuously tempted to shutdown, but I refuse to live that way. I have so much to learn about discovering who I am, but I am excited at the possibilities of who I am to become. I haven’t learned how to love yet and I am presently sorting through my feelings on this emotion. The very idea or concept of love is a difficult one for me, but I try to stay open to the idea of finding it one day or at least coming to terms with what I feel it means. I am on a quest to find balance and answers to my personal truth. I am not there yet, not even close, but I am on my way and I am happy at the person I am becoming. I know that admitting I had a problem and facing it was the hardest part. Now, understanding it and finding the balance is my ultimate goal. I understand your desire for your son to not have to deal with the extreme amount of emotion that you are trying to overcome, but I don’t think a life of pure logic, void of emotion is the better choice. I have lived in both worlds and found neither one to be an optimum choice. What he needs is the balance to live in harmony with a strong mind that allows him to control and use his emotions to his benefit. He has already been given a head start with not having to be raised in a traumatic cult environment and he has you, true love in his life. I think it takes a lot of trauma to send one off the emotional deep end or to shut them down completely. He will hopefully never have to go to either extreme and you have a big part in allowing him this advantage. Anyway, there's some of my story, my feelings on feelings and the lack thereof… my two cents, for what it’s worth.(reply to this comment)

From conan Sunday, April 29, 2007, 14:35 (Agree/Disagree?) ‘Fear of emotion’…how apropos. That phrase sums up so much of what I went through (and still go through to some extent) while trying to disassociate myself from TF and the years immediately following the relinquishing of my faith and religion. I didn’t have quite the same reaction you did, but I hardly find what happened to you to be so shocking. I don’t mean that in a way that I want to take anything away from the significance of your experience(s) but I mean it in the sense that I can actually understand why that happened and on some level embrace your reaction as a normal sequence in the line of events you were experiencing at that time. I was emotional as a kid too, but not really full of life. I was always angry as a kid in TF. I would find a reason to break something, hurt someone, or cause some bravado display of disobedience and then do my best to get in more trouble for it so that I could have an ‘excuse’ to scream and yell at my ‘uncles and aunties’ who were there to ever so lovingly beat the shit out of me. I have selective memory and many, many repressed memories. The long lasting psychological reaches of my childhood are something that I’ve tried (successfully so far) to bury in my subconscious and pretend that much of it never happened. Not that this all comes down to relationships, but I’ve been told by many an ex-girlfriend that I’m emotionally unavailable and impossible to read. I’ve also been told that I hurt them without even trying to, just in passing or in casual conversation. I don’t know how to deal with any emotion that I feel in my current life, as my psyche won’t allow me to actually cope with feeling emotion on any level. I’m always even keeled…never too excited, never too depressed, never even that angry anymore. I’m not numb, but I don’t exactly feel. I am free, but only in a partial sense. I’m still a slave to my mind and my mind likes to play tricks on me. Every great while I’ll be depressed for no reason whatsoever and do absolutely nothing for days at a time, not even eat and sleep only a few hours for the duration of my spell in the land of misery. I always come out of it, and it’s always the same inexplicable reason I sank into the malady in the first place. I don’t know why! It’s something I don’t talk about normally and it’s something that I certainly don’t look to happen. It just does and I have no rational explanation for my behavior, and I’m one of the more rational people I know, in my opinion. It seems to me from your post and our brief interactions that you’ve come to some conclusions about yourself and the way you emote (or don’t) in your own private world. I have yet to discover what it is that makes me tick in the ways that I do but have no desire to ‘soul-search’ yet. I hope that I can ‘discover’ more of me as I become more comfortable in whom I am and what I do as time goes on. I don’t know how it will come about for me, but my fear of emotion certainly seems to have some play in my daily interactions. I’m glad you have your emotions in check, and not just buried. And JW, in the sake of fairness, I believe this comment should be given at least as many thumb up or down opportunities as the one by 'truly' immediately above. You know, to show your impartiality as administrator and all! :p (reply to this comment)

From tiredly Thursday, April 26, 2007, 20:28 (Agree/Disagree?) I can relate very well to the state of being you described so well as "watching a black and white movie with no sound. I could view my surroundings, but they were blurred and seemed almost fictitious in a sense. I felt as though I was watching the events going on, never involved, but simply observing as you would a movie or a dream." What I really, really hate is that I have been out of the cult for over 16 years and I still have days where I get up and go to work and it is just like that again. I have to read things and I see that there are words but they can't get past my eyes and into my mind, I literally can't make anything seem not-blurred or fictitious.(reply to this comment)

From madly Thursday, April 26, 2007, 22:05 (Agree/Disagree?) heh... tiredly? I should really add that to my list of names. Sowwy, I know we are talking about serious issues, but I couldn't resist.(reply to this comment)

From Guccigirl Thursday, April 26, 2007, 17:54 (Agree/Disagree?) I have a question for you: The condition you described is called Disassociative disorder, which I have. Since I literally drifted off to another world during most of my time in TF........ How does one recall the memories when they have been blocked out? Not saying that I can't remember anything at all - but most of my childhood is a blank.(reply to this comment)

From GoldenMic Saturday, April 28, 2007, 00:09 (Agree/Disagree?) You know, methods have been developed exactly for the regaining, understanding, and "mastery" of past trauma. An excellent starting place to examine this would be Judith Herman's book, Trauma and Recovery,(reply to this comment)

From Nancy Saturday, April 28, 2007, 06:18 (Agree/Disagree?) I'm reading it right now.(reply to this comment)

From madly Friday, April 27, 2007, 04:38 (Agree/Disagree?) Gucci, I am not sure how you do that… there are many parts of my past that I know I have also blocked out. I do know for a fact that every single thing you have ever experienced, including your dreams, is in your brain stored and filed away… the trick is finding it. The only thing that can delete a memory is the loss of brain cells caused by decay or a physical accident. Our brain is comparable to a very advanced high-tech computer database in the way that it stores and downloads information. There are so many ways to remember things and you can instruct your brain to where you would like it to store or save certain information so as to easily remember things faster and more efficiently. All you have to do is link your information to something… it is quite simple really. Say you need to remember a new client’s name... “Robert Smith”… you consciously link their name to something you will remember such as a colour. Let’s say red for Robert, but we will make it “reds” to also remember the “Smith”. So the next day when you are going to meet your new client… all you do is say to yourself “reds” and your brain will automatically link it to that direct memory. This concept is basic and I am sure you have heard of this, as you know it works for anything you need to remember. You simply link your memory to any information of your choosing. All it takes is a moment for you to be aware of the link you give it. To be aware is the key. Your short term memory last for approximately 20 seconds and sadly we only register and acknowledge a minute amount of information during the period of time it goes from short term to being filed. In order to retain memories you have to consciously link them and file them during this period of time, otherwise they will vanish and be randomly stored. I don’t know much about this subject, but I have heard and read that traumatic memories are different in the way that they come to us and the frame of mind we tend to be in when we experience these events effects the way they are stored. You are not mentally able to sit there and consciously say to yourself “store this here” or link it to something of your choosing, because you are in a heightened level of consciousness during a traumatic event. You are in a “flight or fight” state of being, adrenaline pumping and your brain focusing only on you being in danger. A couple things can happen at this point. One being you can create what is referred to as a “Flashbulb Memory” where not only do you remember it, but you remember it as if your brain took a mental picture of the experience. You will never forget this… you will remember this event in great detail with no effort whatsoever. Another thing that happens is “interference”… where too many events take place for your brain to properly have time to focus and store them. If too many traumatic events occurred together it may have overloaded the storing possess and just randomly placed such memories. New information will automatically knock the previous information out of memory within seconds and if not linked and consciously stored it is gone that fast. One more thing that comes to mind is certain memories are linked to your state of being. For instance if you are trying to remember something that happened when you were inebriated… you may only be able to pull up such a memory when you are drunk again. The same if you were sick or on using at the time. It can work with emotions or other random things as well. Such as if you were frightened, angry, if it was day or night, etc. The same can be true with music, smells, sounds, places, people, or even colours. The brain will sometimes randomly link your state of mind or aspects of your surrounding while storing such memories. There are experts, of course, that can use hypnosis or other forms of therapy to take you back to such memories. The brain tries to protect us and it is probably not allowing these memories because it doesn’t know how to deal with them or it could be as simple as the fact that you don’t know how to properly retrieve them. (reply to this comment)

From GetReal Thursday, April 26, 2007, 17:46 (Agree/Disagree?) ok how did you get so many thumbs up.(reply to this comment)

From madly Thursday, April 26, 2007, 22:03 (Agree/Disagree?) ummm... couldn't tell you... I have absolutely no idea. :)(reply to this comment)

From 8 thumbs up? Friday, April 27, 2007, 04:54 (Agree/Disagree?) This site's been around a long time now, but it's the first I've seen that happen. A computer glitch, a late night witchcraft ritual, or special attention from an editor or admin?(reply to this comment)

From madly Friday, April 27, 2007, 05:02 (Agree/Disagree?) You should have seen it yesterday... I had 15.(reply to this comment)

From madly Friday, April 27, 2007, 06:15 (Agree/Disagree?) I think maybe it is witchcraft... this site is full of witches that cause many glitches.(reply to this comment)

From philologist Friday, April 27, 2007, 18:15 (Agree/Disagree?) Did you know that "glitch" is a yiddish word?(reply to this comment)

From vix Thursday, April 26, 2007, 02:57 (Agree/Disagree?) I like this very much. (reply to this comment)

From Big Sister Tuesday, April 24, 2007, 21:24 (Agree/Disagree?) Nancy, if you cannot connect to your rational mind, how is it that you are so good at your chosen profession? You must be able to connect with that rational/logical part of you, somehow.(reply to this comment)

From Nancy Thursday, April 26, 2007, 11:45 (Agree/Disagree?) Occasionally, depending on when you ask, I may be "good" at what I do for a living. But, the office doesn't lie too close to my heart and bring out my deep emotions like the PTSD triggers in my personal life. (reply to this comment)

from :) Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 10:10 (Agree/Disagree?) I think that some people are just able to live with their heart on their sleeve and let themselves be vulnerable, while other people are more reserved. I hardly know you but from what I have seen I think you fall into the more reserved category. Could it be that maybe you have a form of clinical depression? Maybe something a few little blue pills could help? I hate to hear that things are like that for you. I have always considered you the most beautiful and intelligent women on this site. On the outside you seem to have everything going for you... I guess nothing is ever as it seems. Hope you feel better. (reply to this comment)

From Guccigirl Tuesday, April 24, 2007, 19:14 (Agree/Disagree?) Cheers me dear - Look forward to seeing you soon!!!(reply to this comment)

from Guccigirl Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 06:19 (Agree/Disagree?) I would give anything to have the ability to cry and let it all out That too has been taken away from me. (reply to this comment)

from Oddman Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 02:47 (Agree/Disagree?) I don't know what to say except, I know the feeling, all too well. “Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.” Eric Hoffer That describes me. (reply to this comment)

from deeply Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 02:01 (Agree/Disagree?) Sometimes I must feel pain in order to feel alive. Pain forces me to recognize and consummate the harsh reality of my immortal soul which is the essence existing between flesh and bones and life itself. Pain can be beautiful because it is the tangible proof that my life is genuine, extremely fragile, and could easily vanish right before my eyes. I am not referring to self inflicted pain, although life’s pain seems to be very ‘self inflicted’ at times. I am speaking of the pain life naturally brings to us, the strong emotions that seem missing. Sometimes I feel as though difficult emotions are the ones that help us to discover ourselves and see the true ‘us’ that is only brought out through strength that comes through struggle. Just like the butterfly needs to struggle in order to fly, we need to feel the pain in order to truly live. Pleasant emotions such as joy and happiness don’t test us in this way; they don’t put us in the place where we are forced to see ourselves. You feel alive when you are happy, but you feel your very soul when you are at your bottom and your world is crashing in. This is when you truly see what you are made of and just how real, you, and your life, really are. What can one do in order to feel? Maybe you can simply let go and make that emotional choice for the first time. Allow the pain; allow the love, the hate, the sadness to come in. Allow yourself to just “be”… just feel, don’t push it away. You let it take you down the road that you secretly fear, knowing that if you don’t, you will never know what it was to live. In order to feel, you have to let go, you have to say “it is okay to hurt, it is okay to cry… it is okay to be weak and to be vulnerable” and we all hate to admit such a thing. We are strong, but we are also broken, wounded, and forever healing, but we can’t let the scars or the calluses become too thick so that they act as a cover which prevents us from feeling. Don’t beat yourself up when emotions take you, just free fall into them. I have come to realize that it takes a lot of strength to learn and discover the power of emotions. Take a chance and feel; discover the power you possess when you learn how to live life with full emotion. (reply to this comment)

From Randi Tuesday, April 24, 2007, 02:59 (Agree/Disagree?) That is an excellant comment. It is tough sometimes to allow myself to really feel as well. Sometimes I'm afraid that if I let myself "let go," that it will never stop, that I won't be able to control it...that I'll go crazy. I think growing up esp at certain times in the club...we had to be so strong and ignore our feelings of hurt, humiliation and despair in order to survive, to not go crazy. I think that is our defense mechanism...that is a habit that is not easy to break. Sometimes certain memories really hurt to remember...it's as though any of the natural instinctive feelings or reaction I should have had then...I'm having them now...it feels unbearable sometimes. I have to force myself to quickly pull it together so I can keep going and living life. I agree with you though... we must risk feeling. The emotions won't go away just because we ignore them...it's far better to deal with the pain now than later...it's more healthy that way.(reply to this comment)