A few quick questions.

from nix - Thursday, September 06, 2007
accessed 591 times

I was just wondering....

Do you think I’ll be okay?
What is “Okay”? How do you know you are Okay? Do you just sit there and not feel disturbed and that’s when you know?

Do you think I’ll ever feel “Normal”?
Normal……… What does that mean? Is there such a thing? Am I normal and I just don’t know it? Is this normal?

Do you think I’m fucking crazy?
How do I know I’m not? I feel like I am sometimes. Does that mean I am not? If I was crazy would I feel sane because I was crazy enough to think I was sane?

Do you think I‘ll ever be comfortable in a crowd?
I hate when I think they know. Everybody knows! What do they know? I don’t know what they know, but I think they know it. Am I walking funny? Did I stand wrong?

Do you think I’ll ever really know who I am?
If you told a robot to build a model of it’s self, could it? Can you be you and know what that means at the same time. If I was me and knew exactly who I was would I be me twice? If I knew who I was would my head explode? Does it matter who I am? Does it matter if I know?

Do you think I’ll ever stop getting the feeling that I want to crawl out of my skin?
Why is that? Is it because I am abnormal and I hate being me sometimes? Is it because I am fucking crazy? IS IT BECAUSE THEY KNOW???

Do you think I‘ll ever get over the feeling of total panic I get everyday?
I don’t even know what I am panicking about most of the time. Do my socks match? Did I brush my teeth good enough this morning? Is there something on my face? Why does she keep looking at me? If I leave 15 minutes early today will I get fired tomorrow? Can’t panic lead to heart disease?

Do you think I’ll see the day I don’t want to just disappear?
If I ever become a superhero I’d love to be wallpaper man. Maybe I won’t even save anyone, but I will write a report about it as, unnoticed, I blend into my surroundings. I would be happier to be heard not seen. Maybe if I wasn’t noticed I would want to be. Maybe I want to be noticed but once I am I feel like I have done something stupid to draw attention to myself. How do you follow that up? “For my next trick I will light myself on fire and jump out a window!” I want to be known for something, I just don’t know what I want to be known for.

Do you think I’ll ever have a normal relationship?
Does anyone have one? Are we all just awkwardly shaped puzzle pieces looking for someone else who fits us? Am I a puzzle piece that got put in the wrong box and sold at a garage sale to someone who later moved to like North Dakota or something? Does anyone have a match? Do soul-mates exist? Do we just find someone we can tolerate?

Do you think I’ll ever have a normal sex life?
What is normal sex? Would I want it? Does anybody want it? Am I just adventurous? Do I just get bored with routine? Do I just lack boundaries? Do I want boundaries? I have some boundaries, and I like them. They are good boundaries, necessary boundaries I think. Some partners think I am a freak, others don’t. What’s the difference? Are some people just freakier than others? There are plenty of people freakier than me. Does that make people less freaky than me prudes? Does that mean I am only moderately freaky? Am I like the “Lite beer” of freaks?

Do you think I’m disturbed?
This seems disturbing…. It disturbs me. GREAT! Then I guess I am at least presently disturbed.

Do you think any of this even matters?
Would it matter if it mattered? If it mattered, would anything change? Do I want it to matter? Would I rather just keep on dodging my own bullets? Do I really want to own any of this? Will any of this matter tomorrow, in a year, in five years? Will I just stop caring one day.

Do you think I’m over analyzing things?
Or am I just analyzing them? How do you know when you overanalyze? Where do you cross the line between analysis and over-analysis? If I didn’t analyze would I be ignorant to my own condition. I have a condition. Everyone has a condition. Are some people just more cognizant of their condition? Is it bad to be cognizant of your condition? I’d rather not be aware of my inner landscape. If I wasn’t aware of my inner landscape would I have anything to ask questions about?

Do you think if I let go I will lose myself?
Can you lose yourself? Is that even possible? If I am me will I always be me? Were killers always killers? Were singers born to sing, leaders to lead, followers to follow? Is this just me? Is this it? Am I afraid to let go? What is there to afraid of? Would I lose my inhibition? Can I afford to have any less than I have now? Would I stop caring about the things that occupy my mind now? Have I already let go?

Is this just who I am?
Is this just what I am meant to be?
I feel better now. Thanks for listening.