Moving On - Children of the Children of God

Nightmares, Memories, Dreams

I try to close my eyes and sleep
But my eyelids burn with the scenes I see
Imagining what it was like
For her to be touched by you

Those hands that I love so well
Running down her back, her legs, her thighs
Stroking, groping drukenly
Smelling her hair, kissing her lips

My stomach turns over in a thousand knots
My ears ache as I hear you groan
Your eyes closed, your lips apart
That face that I’ve always longed for

Taking the passion I’ve always wanted from you
And throwing it into the arms
Of a nameless, faceless blur
And why? I guess I’ll never know

Somehow I’ve convinced myself
That I’m strong enough to take this punch
But as my gut recoils from the force
I taste blood in my mouth and I wonder

If I’m fighting too hard for a love
That may not exist anymore
Maybe it never did
Maybe it was only ever in my imagination

My bleeding heart, isolated and abandoned
Left alone to struggle and attempt to believe
Given the option to cut itself loose into darkness
Or grasp tightly to a barbed wire-wrapped dream

I want desperately to hold on
To remember how it felt to be loved by you
To be able to look into your eyes and see the passion
That I must believe burned in your belly, at least for a time

Because this nightmare I’m living
Even though it rips my heart out of my chest
Cannot possibly be as painful as it would be
To watch you walk out of my life forever

I have to believe that love is immortal
And narcissism is defenceless
I have to believe that the memory of love
Is stronger than the delusion of flattery

Because when I hold your face in my hands
And look into the eyes that opened my heart
I remember what it was like to love someone so much
That the rest of the world couldn’t keep us apart

We fought so hard against so much for so long
I know this pain, too, shall pass …it must!
So I will calm the fears that throb in my temples
And never stop believing that it’s impossible for love to fail

31 May 2006

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from afflick
Tuesday, August 08, 2006 - 13:09
(Agree/Disagree?)

Kyla:

This is my deepest fear. I used to hope that if I was scared of something enough, it would act as a kind of insurance so that the hated thing could not happen. But now I see that anything can can happen at any time, you can never be sure.

How did it end up like this? We were all young, beautiful children: sharing a cramped room, saying our goodnights, getting up early the next morning to do it all again. We tried so hard to be perfect and almost were: tight bodies, white teeth, long limbs. We sang in harmony, spend most of our days raising money for the monthly expenses of thirty people. The rest of our time was spent raising their children, gathering and cooking up endless meals.

We were single and endured for families, for couples, for children that were not our own. We didn't complain. Instead, we berated ourselves for not trying harder, giving more, consuming less for ourselves. We would get better. Young girls, sacrificing ourselves for a higher calling. We thought it would pay off in the end.

But that is not how life works, apparently. Instead of the clear path, we grope along hallways of darkness, using our wits and hoping for luck to lead us along. In your pain, I see my own. You are my friend, my sister, myself.

(reply to this comment)

From Kyla
Friday, August 11, 2006, 17:36
(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you, honey. I miss you. We are all inextricably linked. Your pain will always be mine, and vice versa. Good luck to us all.(reply to this comment)
from way too cool for this
Friday, June 23, 2006 - 09:08
(Agree/Disagree?)
Well I think it's soppy. Any romantic poem should have at least the mention of a car crash in it.Preferrably a double decker bus or a 10 ton truck.
(reply to this comment)

From solemn
Friday, June 23, 2006, 10:08
(Agree/Disagree?)
IMHO, I think it is more about a struggle for emotional equilibrium after a superfluous deconstruction of what she considered to be sacred rather than a stab at "romantic" expression.
Besides, I'm not sure you have the required permission to use the word "soppy".(reply to this comment)

From Nelson Muntz
Friday, June 23, 2006, 11:49
(Agree/Disagree?)

HA HA! You got told! You aren't cool at all! HA HA! (reply to this comment)
from mpd
Friday, June 23, 2006 - 06:59
(Agree/Disagree?)
I like it, can relate. Very deep and emotional, good work
(reply to this comment)
from Not much to say.
Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 11:31
(Agree/Disagree?)
I read this every time I come to this section. I keep wanting to comment on it but a compliment would mock the pain behind it, and identifying with it robbs you of the infinite details and memories that make this experience, and these words, uniquely yours. So I will say nothing except, thank you for posting this.
(reply to this comment)

From Kyla
Friday, August 11, 2006, 17:34
(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you.(reply to this comment)