what can i say, i was drunk

from dan - Thursday, April 14, 2005
accessed 1518 times

a mind is a terible thing to lose. here is a glimpse of a downward spiral of thinking brought on by vodka/redbull

Sitting at the bar. Looking around at all the girls that I have fucked and at the one I haven’t and want to. She is like some kind of weird drug that has a prolonged affect. If I could fuck her I could get her out of my mind but no I can’t.

Looking across the street at a girlfriend of mine. We are both loners. I am here surround by people most of whom I know and yet I choose to sit alone and watch the crowd. In a place so full of sex and friends and party you would think that I would be with friends. I come alone and leave alone. While I am here I am alone. Solitude. It is a thing not easily understood. Christina; that is the name of the vixen that has entrapped me. She has stolen my attention and I find myself not wanting her as much as I want to not want her. The idea of someone having a hold on me is more upsetting than anything.

Most of the world goes out of their way to be in a crowd. To be part of a gang. To be in a pack. To be normal. When in work I don’t yearn after the recognition of the gang, they get worried. It is not enough to do your job and be good at it. You have to fit in. it is a god damned war zone and fitting in is more important than being competent at what you do. I see ones like me going thru life. People that are alone. That does not meen that they don’t have friends or that they don’t appreciate company. They merely prefer to spend a bit of time alone. I can sit in a crowded room and be all to myself.

Livia over across the street is the same way. Respected in her work and married. Yet she goes out at night and drinks a few by herself and chats to a friend or two. Often just sits alone in silence. She is not a cold or stuck up person , she just appreciates the finer things in life.

All the countries could at any time be represented here. This is an eclectic place. I have slept with so many women here and yet I sit here alone. None of them get let inside. I don’t’ miss that . I am happy just going thru life in a closed way. I am honest and will talk at length about many subjects with little prompting (she just came over and gave me a kiss.) We are loners , doesn’t mean we don’t like people so I sit here and watch the world happen around me.

As the world happens around me I can’t seem to figure out where to invest my energies. This is the thing that is eating at me. For the life of me I don’t have a clue what I am going to do when I get to the states. This should bother me but it doesn’t. it is exciting. I know something great is on the horizon. I am really stoked. Something is going to come along that is going to catch my interest. When it does I will have purpose in life again. A direction to aim towards.

We here now are the dregs. The scum. God, I love us. The flotsam that has washed up from all over. The rejects the rebels. And I want to go to a new war zone. What kind of rebel does that make me. Not a good one that is for sure. A drunk tired worn out never was. No where to go but up. I’m drinking with no goal in mind. This is stupid. I should be looking for some pussy to fuck but no I’ve got to get hammered for no reason what so ever. Is the one in front of me forth chasing? She wasn’t an hour ago but after a bit of vodka she looked fine to toy with for a night.

A bit of side track. Not that this whole thing hasn’t been a side track. But… a conversation I have with all the girls out here is the reasons the boys back home love the skinny ones. And the reasons are that they are all well and good to look at but to seriously thrust into them all night can be a painful experience. For good pounding, humping roaring sex one needs and ass to bang into. How many of those magazine fuckers out there have put their dick in a skinny bitch. Not a lot. But if they had they would know that the ones with the big legs and ass are the way to go. All this drinking needs to fuck someone. I’ve got a hard on and will fuck just about anything at this point. Having not had to do with out for so long I don’t handle deprivation all that well.

Looking right and looking left I see nothing. alone and needy. Not a thing. I can see three chicks I’ve fucked but they are all with other guys. The only one that is doable is in a threesome and I think she is the main attraction. So she is out….. Maybe not. But she has no ass, or not much of one anyway. There is the bar tender: she is new, haven’t seen her here before. She says eleven day…. Has it been that long since I had a few? Apparently. I will not do the old bag to my left. Won’t do it no matter how many drinks I have. One must have standards. Now if I were to turn gay I could have a lot of good looking guys out there to choose from.

Nothing turns me off like a girl talking to a guy that is a fat bastard. That shit is insulting. I fucked you and now you fuck off and talk to that fuck???? What the shit is that???? I think they do it to piss me off.

This is a bad night.. I have waited too long to get laid and it is closing down. So I am to sleep alone for the first time in two months I am to sleep alone when I don’t want to. This sucks. I am an addict. What am I to do? I can’t go a night with out fucking. I am all fucked up. It is an exercise in discipline.. Can I take it?