from Oddman - Wednesday, March 14, 2007
accessed 1585 times The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. Browsing through Movingon.org as frequently as I do, I can't help but notice the many colorful insults, taunts and jaunts among the friendly (and at times not so friendly) josh and banter.
Some poorly constructed insults make me wish I could spend a few hours in a pig sty, listening to grunting hogs. Others, border on art.
As Oscar Wilde put it “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.”Key word, "unintentionally". While few of us are interested in a whiff of anothers personal histories and dirty laundry, most of us would have to admit a well placed insult tickles the funny bone like no compliment ever could.
Here are some creative insults. Some are my creations, some from emails going around, and some I'm sure I didn't come up with, but haven't a clue where I heard it. I've tried to give credit where credit is due. A lot of cut and pastes, so sorry if any double ups.
Let's all contribute and make the list longer?
1 - You genetic abberation, you.
Don't say I NEVER agree with you. I used to be pro-life, but you've changed my views.
I heard the Pro-Life Action League hired a hitman. I mean, you're the best case for pro-choice ever.
Durex called, they want you as posterboy for their next seasons ads.
1,000,000 sperm and you were the first...? I hate to imagine what mongoloids the rest would have produced.
Congratulations. You just disproved the theory of natural selection.
Where was the lifeguard when you got in the gene pool?
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
2 - Where did I last see your brain... Oh, under the microscope in grade school.
Everyones got two brains, one of yours is obviously lost and I assume the other has gone out looking for it.
What a brilliant mind. I saw it at the thrift shop too, but I didn't have 5 cents on me.
You would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I'd get change.
You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
You've got a room-temperature IQ.
If you took an IQ test, I bet the results would be negative.
You're as bright as Alaska in December.
If brains were taxed, you'd get a rebate.
God must love stupid people. He made so many of you.
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
I'm stumped. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't you happy?
I agree, you aren't completely stupid. You're missing a few screws for even that.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're practically invulnerable.
What, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Not worth it. He's so dumb if we tried to make him squeal like a pig he'd Moo.
You're so quick, you'd win last prize in a snail marathon.
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
I love having you around, no matter how dumb I act you always make me feel smarter
3 - You know, you've got an amazing personality. I would really like to go hunting with you sometime.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
You should have a pimp for a brother so you'd have someone to look up to.
God made Satan for practice, and then He made you.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
You are the reason God created the middle finger.
You bring a lot of joy whenever you leave the room.
You don't have ulcers? Well, they say the carrier is immune.
If your nature didn't lead you to trample everyone in your path with vindictive glee, you might be tolerable.
I'd wish I could squash you like a bug, but then I'd have to touch you with my shoe.
Learn from the mistakes of others. At your rate, you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
The only thing you'd be good for is a blueprint for building jerks.
You're no ordinary asshole, you're the epitome of asshole, an asshole with a goddamn cherry on top.
He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but you'd be a waste of lead!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
A curse on you, and may the curse be that you remain what you are.
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
You're such a low life. You live so deep abyssal fish would put you on display.
Our last conversation, I knew you'd reached rock-bottom. I see you've started digging.
You are really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
You set low personal standards and then consistently fail to achieve them.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you working so hard to give us another?
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You have a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.
You have an amazing talent for never doing the right thing.
I may be fat, but at least I can diet, I don't think there's a cure for whatever it is you've got.
Tell me where you'll be on Friday, so I know where not to go.
You lie about everything, just to stay in practice.
Yeah yeah, you just want to do the right thing. You always try to do the right thing - after you've tried everything else.
I can't trust you. I wouldn't put you in charge of shoveling the snow if I lived in Hawaii.
Q: How many jerks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb still and lets the world revolve around him.
4 - With your looks, if you modelled for Picasso, he'd have painted the Mona Lisa.
You got a full 6-pack, but lack the plastic thingy that holds it all together.
What's your birthday? Now I know when the bastard up there last slept on the job.
If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.
If art truly imitates life, you'd be a matt grey painting.
Your body is a waste of molecules.
Look sister, that tube top isn't doing you any favors. It'd be one thing if your belly was worth showing, but it isn't.
5 - In debate. Sorry, I refuse to engage in a battle of wits. It goes against my principles to take advantage of the handicapped.
Do you only open your mouth to change feet?
Okay, take a breath and think. Now what would you say if you had another chance.
You're a stupid person's idea of a clever person.
You know why my mind is dirtier than yours? You change it more often.
Whatever I say to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
I agree, everyone is entitled to have an opinion - NOT everyone is entitled to have his opinion taken seriously.
You're the kind of person that needs to cheat when filling out an opinion poll.
It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.
Oh boy, they say many wise words are spoken in jest. I say they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
Let me guess. Your big mouth is nature's way of compensating for your tiny intelligence?
Dude, never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
He demands freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which he completely avoids excersizing.
There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say - unless you insist on saying it.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
What's the matter? Stopped to think and forgot to start again?
Okay, your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
"Can I ask you one question?"...
Yes, and you've asked it.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
No, I hear what you're saying. I just don't care.
Some future advice, never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize you're wrong.
Even if the majority agrees on your idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea.
I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.
Oh no please, keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
If you honestly spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
Excuse me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
Here's where we we get out the thesaurus and look up synonyms for "garbage."
You make one winter day seem as long as all of summer.
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
You occasionally stumble on sensibility - but you just pick yourself up and keep going on.
You make it so easy to pick on you that I feel a little guilty doing so... But not enough to stop doing it
You know, I always thought you were stupid but your last comment just turned my view around - 360 degrees.
Don't get insulted, but is your life devoted to spreading ignorance?
Lost in thought? Bet it's uncharted territory for you.
Your "conclusion" sounds more like...... "the place where you got tired of thinking".
Where's your comeback? Run out of other people's ideas?
6 - No, I'm not interested in you anymore than I'm interested in the color of Rosie O'Donnell's underpants.
Jane, if we were the last three people alive, I'd be trying to make babies with Joe.
Yeah, I'm sure you're better at sex than anyone; now all you need is a partner. Shouldn't you go and start looking?
I'd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.
You're probably right. I'll probably never forget a night with you - but I'll probably want to.
Sorry, you're filling a much-needed gap.
How can I miss you if you won't go away.
Balls are useful for their purpose, but they are no substitute for brains.
Ok, the going's getting weird and you're turning pro.
Do I look like a weirdo magnet to you?
Yeah, I bet you could be charming at times - this is not one of those times.
Yeah, I heard that you were a Lady-killer. They take one look at you and die of shock.
Someone once said quotation was the only serviceable substitute for wit. (And that barely) If you can't make it, steal it. Hey, someone also once said steal from one and it's plagiarism. Steal from many, and it's research. So how did they say it?
His ignorance is encyclopedic.
- Abba Eban
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
- Ada Leverson
Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.
- A. E. Housman
So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.
- Alan Bennett
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.
- Alexander Woollcott
A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead.
- Alexander Pope
He was as great as a man can be without morality.
- Alexis de Tocqueville
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
- Andrew Lang
He has the lucidity which is the by-product of a fundamentally sterile mind.
- Aneurin Bevan (about Neville Chamberlain)
He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
- Ann Richards (about George Bush)
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
- Aristophanes
The gods too are fond of a joke.
- Aristotle
I worship the quicksand he walks in.
- Art Buchwald
He's liked, but he's not well liked.
- Arthur Miller
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
- Ashleigh Brilliant
I will always love the false image I had of you.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.
- Ayn Rand
--- ---
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
He'd make a lovely corpse.
- Charles Dickens
He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.
- Charles Kingsley
His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.
- Charles Lamb
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow
She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.
- Clifton Fadiman
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
- Cynthia Heimel
--- ---
He never said a foolish thing, nor never did a wise one.
- Earl of Rochester
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
- Eddie Cantor
A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.
- Edith Sitwell
He was humane but not human.
- E. E. Cummings (about Ezra Pound)
He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
- Ellen Glasgow
He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.
- Eugene Field
--- ---
End of season sale at the cerebral department.
- Gareth Blackstock
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
- George Bernard Shaw
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one.
- George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
- George C. Scott
Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw.
- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)
He writes his plays for the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)
He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices.
- Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
- Groucho Marx
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- Groucho Marx
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
- Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- Groucho Marx
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
- Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
--- ---
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
- Irving Brecher (Marx Bros. "At the Circus")
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Irvin S. Cobb
--- ---
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.
- Kate Cruise O'Brien
I thought men like that shot themselves.
- King George V
Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
- Kin Hubbard
The characters are so flat and the dialogue so dull you expect it to be one of those movies whose existence is justified by a big final twist. But it's three days after the screening, and still no twist. Maybe it's coming in the mail?
- Kyle Smith (about the movie, The Jacket)
--- ---
He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
- Mae West
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong.
- Mae West
The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
- Mae West
He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms.
- Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)
As entertaining as watching a potato bake.
- Marc Savlov (about the movie, Taxi)
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
- Margot Asquith
He could never see a belt without hitting below it.
- Margot Asquith
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
- Margot Asquith
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- Mark Twain
Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
- Mark Twain
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
- Mark Twain
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
- Mark Twain
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
- Mark Twain
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain
You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.
- Mark Twain
Useless as a pulled tooth.
- Mary Roberts Rinehart
She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.
- Michael Arlen
Devotees of awful filmmaking can't go wrong with this one.
- Michael Wilmington (about the movie, Elektra)
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
- Milton Berle
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
- Molly Ivins
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.
- Moses Hadas
--- ---
She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen.
- Odell Shepherd
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously. - Oliver Goldsmith
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- Oscar Levant
I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
- Oscar Levant
She is a peacock in everything but beauty.
- Oscar Wilde
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
- Oscar Wilde
I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.
- Oscar Wilde
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.
- Oscar Wilde
--- ---
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- Raymond Chandler
R.I.P. Heard your latest album - with deepest sympathy
- Robbie Williams (Note sent to Noel Gallagher)
"Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question rates.
- Robert A. Heinlein
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
- Robert Louis Stevenson
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
- Robert Redford
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- Robertson Davies
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
- Robin Williams
No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
- Rob Wagner
Your women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
- Rupert Hughes
--- ---
She never was really charming till she died.
- Terence
He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair.
- Theodore Roosevelt
His imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich.
- Thomas B. Macaulay
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
- Thomas Brackett Reed
He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty.
- Thomas P. Gore
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
- Tobias George Smolett
A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.
- Tom Waits
He was a great friend of mine. Well, as much as you could be a friend of his, unless you were a fourteen-year-old nymphet.
- Truman Capote (about Faulkner)
He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it.
- T.S. Eliot (about Henry James)
--- ---
He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr
I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
- Walter Matthau
She's been on more laps than a napkin.
- Walter Winchell
Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
- William Dean Howells
He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
- William Faulkner
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
The perfection of rottenness.
- William James
If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner's luck.
-William Lashner "Veritas"
She's good, being gone.
- William Shakespeare
Thou lumpish earth-vexing fustilarian.
- William Shakespeare
Thou mammering half-faced measle.
- William Shakespeare
He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.
-Wilson Mizner
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
- Wilson Mizner
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
- Winston Churchill
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill
Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.
- Winston Churchill, (in response to George Bernard Shaw)
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast.
- W. S. Gilbert
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
- W. Somerset Maugham
--- ---
And damn, this article is getting long. | 
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