Chris Rock's uncensored thoughts on LJ

from ErikMagnusLehnsher - Thursday, August 25, 2005
accessed 1623 times

Caution: The following is crude, juvenile, vulgar, disgusting, graphic and may be offensive to some readers. I laughed a lot while I wrote it but I must warn you to read at your own risk..particularly if you are offended by people like Chris Rock.

[Begin fictitious Chris Rock Monologue]

Folks, I just spent a week living in a "Family Home" tryin' do some research towards my Masters in weird culticology. Well, to be honest, I got a lot more questions than I got answers about these crazy people so maybe y'all can help a brother understand some things. They practice something called "Loving Jesus" and I gotta tell you, that it is some of the strangest shit I have ever heard of. I mean, how the hell is a brother supposed to imagine himself having sex with Jesus and still be straight?!? When Chris Rock's layin' the pipe, another man is the last thing he's thinkin' about...much less Jesus.

Mel Gibson made the "Passion of Christ" and he cast James Caviezel as Christ. Personally, I might have gone with James Earl Jones or Denzel but it's all good and I thought he did a good job. You know my momma made me go to Church when I was kid so I know a little bit about Christianity. But tell me how the hell is the "Lily of the Valley" gonna need you to give him a knob-job? Is he now the "bright and PORNING star"?!? I mean, If "The Family" made a movie about Jesus they would cast Dirk Diggler as Christ! If he weren't available they'd get Billy Bob Thornton.

I read some of their prophecies and I mean I try to keep an open mind. But what was I supposed to think when the first prophecy from Jesus that I pickup to read starts: "This one time at band-camp..."?

When I was growin' up, my grandma would tuck me into bed and read me the "Footprints" poem where Jesus is walkin' with 'ya but then you only see one set of feet when you goin' through rough times because Jesus is carrying you when you fall down. You know what I'm talking about? In their religion, Jesus ain't gonna lift ya' up if you fall down...he's waitin' for you to fall down so he can throw some meat in you!

I mean it is kind of funny though when you think about Jesus being a player and I can kinda relate, but I can't picture Jesus saying this kind of stuff...much less to another dude. These are some excerpts of prophecies in their literature:

--"Burn free, beloved, for I would surely like to tap some Endtime-Army ass."
--"King Peter, thou are precious in my sight. Now bend over so I can load you like a shotgun."
--"Ah my precious new church, My Queen Maria...How 'bouts you climb up on my Johnson fo' a little ride."
--"Your songs of praise delight me. Now how 'bout you put down that guitar and play some sweet music on my skin flute."
--"I have loved thee with an everlasting love. Now open wide so I can teabag your mouth."
--"I will never leave thee nor forsake thee...so do you want some DICK?"
--"As an eagle you will fly into the wilderness to escape the Beast. Speakin' of which...Hows about WE make the beast with two backs?"
--"Smoke not the evil tobacco of the life-sapping System...but rather come hither and smoke my bone and be satisfied."
--"My loyal disciple, I have called you out of the world so you can dance the slobber boogie on my meat horn."

Look...I read the Da Vinci code and maybe Jesus was hittin' it with Mary Magdalene. I don't have a problem with that. But I don't believe he did that much trash-talking. I mean it's not like he's gonna say, "Magdalene, baby, I'm gonna ride you all the way to China". I just ain't seein' it.

I read some other prophecies about the evils of body-building and the vanity of dieting and the importance of eating the high calorie, fatty, "provisioned food that is set before thee with thanks" and you know what the first thing that comes to my mind is? My Lord and Savior wants to fatten me up because he wants more cushion for the pushin'.

Thank you very much.

[End Monologue]