The REAL story of "The Amazing Cat"

from Samuel - Sunday, September 05, 2004
accessed 1570 times

Hurricane Frances is here in Florida. That means I have the day off from work, and church has been cancelled. The Hurricane itself is above us so we haven't been directly hit, but nevertheless we're getting lots of rain and strong winds. Normally this wouldn't last all day, but Frances is moving at the very slow pace of about 4 or 5 mph. It gets very boring on a day like this, so here is a satire of "The Amazing Cat" I decided to write. Comments are welcome, particularly if they make fun of David Berg :o)

I realize that for some of you this may bring back bad memories, but we all have different ways of dealing with things. I like to try and find the humor in any situation. I realize that (Thank God) I was never seriously abused in The Family, but even for me there is a certain amount of depression and anger involved when you find out the one you admired as a man of God since you were born was really a drunken, lying, blaspheming pedophile.

The leadership of The Family was always obsessed with their image. Karen Zerby, who we now know was a control freak, always made herself out in the letters as the humble secretary of the “profit” David. She asked the questions that we would have asked so that Berg could squash any doubts we might have about the turds, oh I mean the WORDS of David. She was the good cop to Berg’s bad cop. As soon as she could, she showed her true colors and came out with the Loving Jesus Revelation, which of course could have been quite damaging to the British Isles case had The Family published it sooner. Berg on the other hand was the tenderhearted prophet of the Lord, the mouthpiece of God himself. He may have been a drunken, blaspheming, womanizing pimp but there was no doubting God’s End time Profit. In an effort to keep their images clean, they published a number of children’s stories and songs giving us a small peek into Berg’s home and life, but only what he wanted us to see. With that said, I present for your enjoyment the true unedited and uncensored version of “The Amazing Cat”, also known as “The Psychic Cat”.

Cocoa the cat had been warned not to go into this side of town, at least not near the compound on the top of the hill. But as he wandered the streets of Manila at this late hour something drew him toward the compound. There was something enchanting about this compound that called Cocoa to come and investigate. Looking behind him to make sure no one was watching, Cocoa quietly ran up the hill. He jumped up to the first window he saw.

The first window gave a view into Peter Hamsterman’s room. A large stack of OHR’s was on his desk, and it was only the middle of the week. On top of the stack of OHR’s was a Bible. After all, if Peter was too busy soaking up the turds of David and writing the New Wine to read his Bible, he might as well use it as a paperweight. “No condemnation in Christ”, “let your yea be yea and your nay be nay”, “adulterers shall not enter the kingdom of Heaven”, it was no wonder Peter Hamsterman did not read his Bible anymore. However, on top of the Bible was a little pocket sized booklet of key verses, which Peter could memorize and refer to whenever he wanted. He could then feel holier than any “secular” Christian. Some of Peter’s favorites were Matthew 10:36, Matthew 19:29, Jeremiah 17:9, and of course Job 9:20.

The next window Cocoa went to was the window to Faithy’s room. Faithy was taking off her clothes to get ready for an important fish. Finding nothing of interest, that he would want to see that is, Cocoa leaped down and went on to the next window.
This was the window to David Berg’s room. The cult leader sat in bed with his mistress Karen Zerby thinking about his love for all cats, and about how he was going to get totally plastered tonight and start prophesying again. Suddenly, just as the thought came to Berg (about the cats, not the wine), the cat stopped in his tracks.

It is a fact known by most cult leaders that cats can read our minds. It is also a fact known by most cult leaders that since a child is biologically able to reproduce by the age of 12; this is the age of consent as far as God is concerned. Never mind that scientists argue over whether or not cats really can read our minds, and we are all bound to follow the law (Romans 13:1) which says the age of consent is considerably higher in most countries. Nevertheless, the cat did stop in his tracks. “God bless our followers around the world.”, Berg said out loud. “Sending all that money over. Here I am living in a mansion in The Philippines, drinking myself plastered with wine from their tithe money. They will never know the difference! Ha! What do you think of that, huh? And tonight you are going to write down every stupid idiotic thing that comes out of my mouth and publish it for all the kids to read. Ha! Those kids are paying for the trash we send them. Ha! Berg then rolled over and began singing “He’s Coming Very Soon” off key, followed by “There’s No Disappointment in Heaven”. When the singing over, he still had not sung a single note on key. The dogs outside began to bark at the moon, much like Bingo and James had done in France. What Berg did not notice was that neither of these dogs had barked because they were hungry, they barked because they wanted Berg to go to sleep and stop singing off key! When he was done, Karen handed him another bottle of sherry. “I brought you some company, Honey.,” she said in her Texas accent.

David “the love prophet” turned around to see a young girl enter the room. She was tall with blonde hair, deep blue eyes, chubby cheeks, and a warm smile on her face. Ana had always dreaded these “sharing sessions”, but she dreaded the ones with Berg more than anything else. “Bad Ana, you need to be more revolutionary”, she would say to herself. Poor Ana was crying on the inside, thinking of what was about to happen, but she knew she could never get away with showing her unhappiness. And it did feel good to know that her body image was almost identical to the body images of both the Holy Spirit AND Mary Magdalene! So there was something to smile about, and that was the fact that Berg was done singing off key for tonight, so she at least would not have to listen to it while they were “sharing”.

“I can’t believe I had to wait until you were 18, Ana.”, Berg said to her as she sat on the bed and unzipped her pants. “It’s those damned AC’s, you know. God damn ‘em! God damn ‘em all to Hell! All things are lawful to me but not all things are expedient! God’s only law is love! That’s in the Bible, you know.”
“It is?”, Ana asked.
“Oh yes, of course it is baby. Go look it up sometime, don’t you ever read your Bible?”, Berg replied
“You said that we don’t need the Bible because we have the new wine. We hear from God fresh every day.”
David Berg began speaking in tongues. “ Oly abi daba daba! Quindi alla rashibi confrurer! Rabi daba ding dong! Lord bless this child, for she is a true follower of mine!” Berg than began weeping. Berg took a dirty wad of tissue out of his pocket and blew his nose in it. He then placed the tissue on his nightstand to remind him to use it for toilet paper in the morning. “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings, and I’d say you’re quite a babe. So what do you think of that? Ha!” Berg reached his hand across the bed and gave Ana a firm slap on the butt.
Ana let out a nervous laugh, “I’ll be ready in a second.” Then she thought about what she had just said. That could be seen as a doubt, an unwillingness to follow her fellow man and submit to the law of love, and unwillingness to submit to David Berg. And unwillingness to submit to God’s End time “Profit” was an unwillingness to submit to God himself. “It’s hard to keep up with a young guy like yourself.”, she finally added.

Berg turned around again, and noticed the cat sitting on his windowsill. “Good Heavens! How am I supposed to share the love of God with you if this beast is looking down at us?”
Ana thought for a moment. If this “sharing session” were cut off, Berg would find a way to blame it on her, she knew it right now. She had to think quickly. She grabbed her bra from off the floor. “Here Dad, you can use this as a blind fold so you won’t see the cat.”
“Excellent idea, you must be listening to the Lord!”, Berg replied as he took the bra out of her hand and placed it over his eyes. “Ahh, I feel like I’m in Heaven. What kind of perfume is that you’re wearing?”
“Oh, it’s one of those samples Faithy brought back from the hotel last month. There’s so little, I would never use it for anything else than my dates with you.”
“Do you hear this woman, Lord? This woman cries out for me, she cries out for satisfaction. And who am I Lord but your humble servant?”
“Amen!”, Ana said enthusiastically.
“Did I ever tell you that I saw a vision of the Holy Spirit years ago? And you know what? She looked almost exactly like you, except she did have a set of hearts on a chain covering her bosoms.”
Ana’s cheeks spread wide as she smiled. Again, it was nice to be reminded of how holy she was, and how God loved her enough to create her just like the Holy Spirit.

This was it. Ana jumped on top of her leader and placed her arms around him. The words to “The Room” ran through her head as she “shared” with Berg, not to the song itself, but to the chorus.
“I want to see,
I want to feel,
I hear the wind blowing,
Don’t tell me it isn’t real.
I’ll climb out the window,
If you won’t open the door.
I’ll do anything,
I know there’s got to be more. ”

By this point the cat had moved to another window, but not because Berg had prayed to the Lord to help him not to be afraid of the cat. He just got sick of watching an old man fumble around with a bra over his eyes, trying to get his finger inside a young woman’s belly button. Next Cocoa moved to the fourth window, which gave a view into the boys’ room where a fellowship was going on. Unbeknownst to the ladies, the men were showing off on their guitars in competition with each other. The idea was to impress the girls, but competition in any other activity (sports for instance) was grounds for public rebuke and endless readings of the MO-ron letters. Cocoa could see the young people inside dancing and singing.
“…I dance, I dance, I dance like King David.
I dance, I dance, I dance like King David.”

Then everyone put down their guitars and started singing accapella style, clapping their hands to the music. It was now time for the most fun verse of this song, where everyone hugged and kissed each other.
“When the spirit of God moves in me, I love like King David.
When the spirit of God moves in me, I love like King David.
I love, I love, I love like King David.
I love, I love, I love like King David.”

It appeared that the guys who would start this song each time always knew immediately which girls they wanted to hug first once this verse came around. One pretty young woman let out a squeal of joy as she was attacked by three men at the same time. “Wow, Hallelujah! What a Family!” To make sure they got to hug and kiss every pretty girl in the room, the guys decided to repeat the verse.
As the cat sat at the window watching, he started to scratch himself a little. He began to notice that while sitting at the windows watching all these strange things take place, he had become infested with fleas. Perhaps this was why he had been warned not to come here, but he didn’t listen.

Cocoa quietly leaped down from the window and headed toward the gate of the large compound very carefully. He had heard about cats that had come to the compound and had never returned. Suddenly he noticed an almost empty box of flea powder in the open shed. This was no ordinary cat flea powder though. This was bovine flea powder, for horses and larger animals. It appeared that Berg loved all cats, but not enough to send someone out to buy proper flea powder for them. Cocoa then realized what had happened to those cats, and what might happen to him. “Meeawwwrrr!”, he screamed as he sprinted across the yard at full speed, around the gate, down the hill, and back to the streets of Manila as fast as he could. What Cocoa didn’t know what that he had just become the first cat ever to leave the Manila compound alive. Therefore, he became known as “The Amazing Cat”.

The next morning Ana woke up in her bed to the sound of guitars playing, and her roommates singing.
“…It’s a new morning, a new morning, yeah.
New morning for Jesus, new morning for Jesus.
New morning for Jesus, new morning for Jesus.”
Ana opened her eyes to find her two roommates sitting in chairs next to her bed. “Good morning.”, one said. The other had a warm smile on her face, “Morning.”, she said in an overly cheerful voice.
“Good morning. What’s going on?”
“Nothing major. Just that Mama found out last night that you like to wear bras. You see, disobedience in even the tiniest thing is like a chink in your armor, through which the Devil can come through with his doubts and keep you from your important work for the Lord.”, the first girl started.
“So she asked us to take turns reading you the word this morning.”, the second girl said as she picked up a thick black book from off the floor. “We’re going to start with ‘C’mon, Ma! Burn your Bra!’”
“Speaking of bras, where is mine? I know I put it back on last night before I went to sleep.”, Ana asked.
“Yes, Mama knew that you would probably be a little reluctant, so she asked us to take away all your bras. They’re being burned right now. Isn’t that wonderful? Mama thinks of everything.”, the second girl continued.
“That’s right, because she listens to the Lord, and his prophet.”, the first girl added.
It became clear to Ana that this was going to be a long, long day.
The End