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Getting Support : In Remembrance
Living without love - Koomi | from Oddman - Monday, August 04, 2008
accessed 579 times This isn't meant to be a big sob story. I recently lost my cell phone, and with it a lot of phone numbers. There are some people I can't reach.
For those who know me and my baby Koomi, you already know that we've had our share of troubles. I hope you know equally well, that despite our many differences, and despite each of our legions of inner demons, we loved each other very deeply.
There's no easy way to say this.
Koomi passed away in the early hours of the morning. I won't go into the why's and how's here. She passed away.
Today has been chaotic and traumatic for me. I have not sorted out my emotions or thoughts. I just wanted to let friends know. Since there will be no funeral, I just ask each of you to offer a moment remembering her.
Unfortunately, as you know, Koomi and were never legally married, though we did take vows. This means I have no control over funeral plans. Her parents have in fact taken over, and I've not been informed of when or where the wake or funeral will be held, or where she will be laid to rest. I understand her parents are not informing any of our mutual friends, or any of Koomi's friends. I will never be able to pay my respects, or lay roses on her final bed.
Although Koomi was not an ex-member of TF, she was an abused child. It pains me that her parents have the last and only word on her departure.
Koomi died in my arms. I performed CPR. She came back once. She didn't make it to the ICU. I accompanied her to the ICU, was there when she was proclaimed deceased, was with her till her parents and one other friend (M) arrived.
Koomi offered me her love and devotion for the last 12 months of her life. Although she was haunted by her demons, she accepted me for mine. She was the most beautiful, talented, and hurt person I have ever known. I love her, and hope these emotions do not fade with time.
Koomi Yang, I can't express how much I miss you. The sky is crying for you. The world is missing you. I want to be with you. I want to wake up to your voice. I want to hold you. All the words in the world would not suffice to describe what exactly you mean to me. If my nightmares featured your face, I'd never wake. Thank you for everything you were. I'm sorry for all I could never be. I love you. Please haunt me in my dreams.
------Hitomi wo tojite- by Hirai Ken
A hollow space beside me, as I wake every dawn,
This back that always woke to your warmth, is cold today
I stop trying to fake a smile, as I open the heavy curtains
The morning sun is blinding, as I prepare to face the day
The tears I cried that day, glistening in the evening sun
Every time I try to wipe away the memory from my mind
My body, my heart, they still remember so clear
I close my eyes and paint visions of you
that's all I need to do
Even if the seasons should pass my heart by,
Your love is forever
Will the day come, when I feel for you no more
Would it be better to embrace my current pain,
and lay myself down to rest
The sky we saw that night
The shiny star we wished upon
Dissappeared so quickly but
My body, my heart, is still glowing with you
I'll close my eyes and paint visions of you
That's all I can do
Even if the world should pass me by
and be no more, I wish for forever
I close my eyes and paint visions of you, that's all I need to do
When the colors of the seasons have come and gone, passing me by
I'll search you in my memories, that's all I got to do
Cause you gave me the strength to overcome, all that I have lost
Your love is forever
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from Oddman
Saturday, September 20, 2008 - 11:58
(Agree/Disagree?)
49Days
May you find rest, not found in this life.
May you find the joy you once gave to others.
May you find the peace I have now lost.
And if there is rebirth, may you be reborn in a better world.
If there is rebirth, may you find me again.
I loved you.
I love you.
I will love you.
I will love the memories.
And if life would grant me one wish, I wish for life to be short.
Till we meet again.
There's no crime in hoping, is there?
There's no crime in choosing to not move on, is there?
My heart will stay, in 2008.
Till we meet again.
(reply to this comment)
| from figaro
Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 23:10
(Agree/Disagree?)
I just lost my wife to the legal system. She was out shopping and was given a counterfeit 20 dollar bill as change from a store. Not knowing what it was she went to spend it at another store and they marked it and called the cops. They gave her 5 years. During her legal battle she made some bad decisions and didn't listen to my advice against them and it caused her to lose the case, and caused us to fight and break up, she won't even speak to me now. I don't think she will be able to survive 5 years in prison, and if she does she will never be the same person I fell in love with.
All that to say, I may not know what it feels like to lose someone the way you did, but I sure know what its like to be lonely and missing the love of your life more then words can describe, and not being able to get them back. If you find any solutions to the pain, let me know too.
(reply to this comment)
| from figaro
Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 23:08
(Agree/Disagree?)
I just lost my wife to the legal system. She was out shopping and was given a counterfeit 20 dollar bill as change from a store. Not knowing what it was she went to spend it at another store and they marked it and called the cops. They gave her 5 years. During her legal battle she made some bad decisions and didn't listen to my advice against them and it caused her to lose the case, and caused us to fight and break up, she won't even speak to me now. I don't think she will be able to survive 5 years in prison, and if she does she will never be the same person I fell in love with.
All that to say, I may not know what it feels like to lose someone the way you did, but I sure know what its like to be lonely and missing the love of your life more then words can describe, and not being able to get them back. If you find any solutions to the pain, let me know too.
(reply to this comment)
| from vix
Thursday, August 14, 2008 - 09:38
(Agree/Disagree?)
Take [her] and cut [her] out in little stars,
And [she] will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
-- There is nothing I can say, Oddie. But tonight, when the stars are out, I'll think of her, remember her and love her, with you.
(reply to this comment)
| from How terrible!
Thursday, August 07, 2008 - 22:50
(Agree/Disagree?)
I am so sorry!
(reply to this comment)
| from steam
Thursday, August 07, 2008 - 08:04
(Agree/Disagree?)
So sorry for you loss. May you find peace in your own time.
(reply to this comment)
| from fragiletiger
Thursday, August 07, 2008 - 03:21
(Agree/Disagree?)
I don't know what to find, to replace, what I meant when I said your in my love and prayers, but whatever it is you have it.
(reply to this comment)
| from madly
Wednesday, August 06, 2008 - 23:24
(Agree/Disagree?)
Oddie, there is nothing to say that would ever help. If you ever need anything let me know.
All my thoughts,
madly
(reply to this comment)
| from Jailbird
Wednesday, August 06, 2008 - 09:49
(Agree/Disagree?)
I am very sorry for your loss.
May you find peace.
(reply to this comment)
| from Oddman
Wednesday, August 06, 2008 - 04:02
(Agree/Disagree?)
As an update to the note I wrote on the fourth.
There was no wake, and there was no funeral, but her ex-bf who was on her parents' good side made the arrangements for her cremation, and I was able to attend. He and I contacted the friends we could, and a number showed up though not officially invited. I think Koomi would have liked that. Friends from all over Japan, some she had not spoken to in years showed up. Some only heard through others. We only leaked the information 12 hours before the cremation, and yet people showed up from far places. It was beautiful. She was loved. As the cremation was only 30 hours since her death, she looked very much alive. The same face that would wake up when I crept out of bed, and would drag me back in. I was almost expecting that to happen as I laid my last kiss. Since she looked so alive, I couldn't bear her being sent into the furnace. Although I was glad to be allowed to participate, placing her ashed bones in the jar was traumatic. The second time in my life, first being my sister. Her parents refused to receive custody of her remains, and refused to allow me to take custody, so they are in the care of Koomi's ex-bf. On a positive note, we had gotten on good terms in the past, and I will be able to visit his house from time to time, to pay my respects to Koomi.
I went to a grief counselor today. It's strange. I could speak cohesively and rather dryly when speaking to someone about her. But the moments at our shared home, now alone, I'm just wondering what tears are made of. Without food, drink or sleep for days, you'd think you'd cry yourself dry, but no, it doesn't happen.
(reply to this comment)
|  From Conqueror of Uranus
Wednesday, August 06, 2008, 22:38
(Agree/Disagree?)
I'm sorry for your loss.
I've lost people close to me in the past, but never in the dramatic way you have.
I understand what you mean by "the tears not happening". I sometimes wonder whether I would be able to cry at the loss of one dear to me.
Although I don't know you personally, I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to Hitomi wo Tojite- by Hirai Ken the same way again.
Your love forever
Hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo
Sore dake de iiyo
Tatoe kisetsu ga boku no kokoro wo okizari ni shitemo
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