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from Randi Tuesday, March 18, 2008 - 23:53 (Agree/Disagree?) I get that sort of response from my boy friend sometimes. Sometimes it irks me, but on the other hand, it gives some balance to my perspective. Of course no one can fully comprehend the experience in the way that we do...its just too wierd to fathom... I do think though that people looking from the outside can help us detatch from our pain... see things in a "realistic" way rather than an emotional way. (reply to this comment)

from Christy Tuesday, March 18, 2008 - 11:36 (Agree/Disagree?) You're so right! I feel your pain, but I think that most people don't have the background to connect or even empathize with our past. Even if they've had a troubled past themselves, the experiences are totally different. I've only told a few friends about my background. I really didn't even say that much about it, because it's all just so far from the average person's experience that it doesn't really seem to sink in. I always thought it would be such a big deal if my friends truly knew all that I've gone through thanks to TF. But when I've told friends, they just don't seem to get it. I still think it's important to reveal at least a little about my past to close friends/significant others because they'll probably find out eventually, and they might resent the truth being withheld for too long. It also allows me to not constantly have to give the edited version of my childhood experiences (though to some extent, they'll be getting that anyways). There's definitely a grace period of a least a year before I feel the need to begin sharing such personal information. Also, I never plan to give more than my official cover story to my work friends. My fellow teachers love to gossip, and I don't want to give them any material. (reply to this comment)

from Randi Tuesday, March 18, 2008 - 08:27 (Agree/Disagree?) It is tough. I have a very hard time telling those close to me, and when I do, its a long and difficult process. Usually a little comes out here and there... untill I finally manage to say the whole truth. The thing is, I can't have a "deep" relationship with anyone without them knowing, so I want them to know so I can feel close, so I can be myself...But the fear of being rejected for something I had no control over..often stops me. The thing is though, I have never had a "bad" reaction from anyone I have told...YET... if anything, I have only experienced peoples respect for me double. They see that I'm a good person, that I work hard for my children and my future. That Im a decent, "normal," strong individual in spite of what I've been through... But I am really am afraid of anyone knowing. Hope that fear goes away... because at the end of the day..it costs energy. One thing I have experienced though... is that the people I do tell, can tend to get a bit traumatised, depressed even. They go on line, read the stories, watch the shows... etc and its a lot to deal with...all at once. Its hard to hear about such madness, suffering and exploitation.. its so hard to understand how and why it happens. I feel sad to see those I care about, feel sad... (reply to this comment)

from therli Monday, March 17, 2008 - 13:56 (Agree/Disagree?) i get what you mean. i have a hard time getting really close to non ex-family members. they just don't understand. something that was so present for about half our life cannot be pushed away so easily. TF is embedded in our way of thinking, of reasoning. and if they can't understand that way of life, they can't understand you (reply to this comment)

from J_P Sunday, March 16, 2008 - 23:08 (Agree/Disagree?) I've only told 3 people the real story since I have left, and only if they were either close or if it was relevant at the time. 1 was my boss, 1 was a close colleague and another was a friend/neighbour. My boss had actually heard of the family before and knew more of less what I was talking about. For those that I have spoken to (fully or partially), they are typically amazed that I have come as far as I have despite my upbringing. While it might be nice if more people understood where I am coming from, I don't particularly need them to. I think I have managed to build a whole new life that doesn't require me to refer back to the old one for any explanation, excuse or fallback. I know that many cases will be different but that has worked for me. This site seems to be all the understanding I need. (reply to this comment)

from DeeJay Sunday, March 16, 2008 - 21:36 (Agree/Disagree?) I have friends have this response after hearing about my childhood - "When I was 13, my parents wanted to move to another city, but I really liked my school and didn't want to move. It was so difficult too." ????? I know that we are not the only ones to have helplessly experienced abuse as a kid, but I always find the above response a little insulting. How is that the same as forced labor, public humiliation, brainwashing, sharing your mom with other perverts in the name of "God", and then being told that not performing those same acts constitutes withholding from "God" and a punishable act which would have you held in everlasting shame and contempt? The math seems simple enough, but you're right. Most people, don't/can't/won't ever understand. (reply to this comment)

from smashingrrl Friday, March 14, 2008 - 16:52 (Agree/Disagree?) Phoenix, you know I love ya kid but they won't understand. They can't. Our reality seems absurd to them just as theirs seems so absurd to us. You can't feel jail from watching Oz or Shawshank (fucking great movie) or even talking to a con. Yeah, you can talk to a con and hear "sheets and pillows? WTF?!?!! Bastards were lucky". But you can't feel jail. Fuck dude, I can't even understand your pain truly because I'm not you. We all experienced many of the same fucking things and so yes, we have to explain much less to eachother. That's a big fucking reason I log in sometimes. But still, we can't ever really understand. You're trying to explain color to a blind kid. I know. I try too sometimes. Those who I do want to understand; I try to explain. But it somehow never turns out the way I planned it. I still try. I can't help myself. But no, you're not the only one who gets the "what, huh?" reaction. It fucking sucks. But then, maybe it's better this way. If people knew, if they really fucking knew; who knows what looks we'd get then? Would they be scared? Would they start hiding sharp objects? Would they stop in the middle of a seriously good fuck and ask if we're okay? Would they take hostage negotiation courses? Just in case, ya know? Would they spit on my parents when I introduce them? Would they try to protect my dog from me when we're wrestling? I dunno. Maybe they shouldn't understand. Just as the human mind has the capacity to both remember and bury what we cannot process; maybe their minds cannot process what they should not. Are we innoculated, desensitized from all those years? Maybe that poison would harm those who didn't grow accustomed to it. (reply to this comment)

From rainy Friday, March 14, 2008, 17:04 (Agree/Disagree?) I was with you up till the dog bit...seriously, though, spot on. Come play with me in the chatroom.(reply to this comment)

From smashingrrl Friday, March 14, 2008, 17:17 (Agree/Disagree?) Oh, and can't come play. I'm pretending to work. :((reply to this comment)

From smashingrrl Friday, March 14, 2008, 17:17 (Agree/Disagree?) lol. Came from something last night. I have a HUGE Rhodesian Ridgeback. He play pretty rough but never bites down so we wrestle like crazy. Whenever someone's around that doesn't know me or doesn't know him.....they tend to think he's growling and biting me cause I hurt him or that he's growling and biting me cause he's trying to kill me. I know we're playing. He knows we're playing. But some peeps just don't know dogs. So I smacked him on the butt last night and he started growling and playing and some asshole friend of my roommate tore into me for hitting my dog. (reply to this comment)

from rainy Friday, March 14, 2008 - 15:39 (Agree/Disagree?) Strangely, after reading your article, I came across this: http://www.movingon.org/article.asp?sID=1&Cat=9&ID=2996 And thought that if even a professional who is living in Famiy homes can see it in a positive light, of course someone without the whole picture could. The article (link) is all true and very observant, but it's only such a small part of the story. It feels like some English anthropologist going to a small head-hunting tribe where children are routinely married at 12, determined to shake off his western morals and see that tribe from its own point of view, and appreciate it for what it is. Only problem with that is, it does contain pain and horror for those who have no other options. Sure we're fun to look at, "Look at that cool little ant colony! Isn't it cool how they all work together!" But if you put the one studying it into that tribe (or cult) and said, "this is your lot in life now. This is going to be all you've ever known" I'm sure they'd change their tune pretty fast. (reply to this comment)

From smashingrrl Friday, March 14, 2008, 16:40 (Agree/Disagree?) Dammit Rainy, I somehow missed that article the first time around. I was living happily not knowing that some asshole went on a get out and attended a party with some zombies and concluded through this thorough and exhaustive research that no one was ever abused. But nooooooo....you had to post the damn link. Of course I followed it. 'Cause we all know if rainy or madly post a link.....most of us go have a look-see. Ugh. Now I'm pissed off all over again. ...and it's all your fault. (reply to this comment)

From Big Sister Friday, March 14, 2008, 20:29 (Agree/Disagree?) Go back to the article and scroll down a bit to where anovagrl (May 25, 2005) explains who these researchers are and how they are rated in the world of other researchers who write and publish peer-reviewed papers. I think what she has to say will make you feel somewhat better. (reply to this comment)

From smashingrrl Friday, March 14, 2008, 21:07 (Agree/Disagree?) Thanks big sister. I did see that. It just bothers me that people are so easily manipulated. (reply to this comment)

From rainy Friday, March 14, 2008, 17:13 (Agree/Disagree?) Sorry Hun. Didn't mean to wreck your evening. I found it a fascinating look at how the Family's changed, and it kind of made me see a little more what's keeping my sister in. That sense of responsibility the young people have now. As I was saying to Phoenix before, as a result of being personally involved in the court cases Australians managed to bury any memories of abuse so deeply that even we believed it had never happened. I was reading that glowing report, and it was truly how I remembered looking at my lifestyle. It's only stepping out and looking back that I see the full extent of the mind control and submission, and childhood fear. So...what am I saying? I guess that even I told myself the good, clean story so often because I wanted it to be true. I can't really blame some outsider who goes into a home where EVERYONE'S convincing themselves of that story, as I was. What else is there for him to conclude?(reply to this comment)

from rainy Friday, March 14, 2008 - 15:16 (Agree/Disagree?) My trouble is I want them to understand...a little. But I don't want to tell enough for them to think that I am somehow defective. So I could say, (if I trusted a person enough with this information) "I had a weird childhood. My parents were idealistic hippy types who kept me out of school and travelled the world with me. They were very religious and fancied themselves missionaries." The reaction I invariably get from a story like the above is how lucky I was, and how whatever my parents did, they did right, because look how much perspective I have. And wouldn't travelling the world be the best and truest education one could possibly have? I get where they're coming from as an outsider. And I'm sure if I truly spoke about the cult in which I grew up, they'd be horrified. But there's more to me than having grown up in a cult and I don't want that to be all I am to them, a victim. So like others here, I just don't discuss it at all anymore. I don't outright lie (much) and can usually come up with something to say when someone asks me where I went to school. But it's nobody's business but mine really. (reply to this comment)

from vix Friday, March 14, 2008 - 11:24 (Agree/Disagree?) I hardly ever think about it, tbh. I really don't need people to understand. (reply to this comment)

from I hear you... Friday, March 14, 2008 - 10:48 (Agree/Disagree?) I have had nothing but those type of experiences when I try to talk to other people about my life. They always miss the point. Thats why I never bring it up in my day to day life. The only thing people can understand is that they don't understand. That's the best you can hope for. (Point stolen from South Parks "N****R Guy" episode) (reply to this comment)