Still Mad As Hell!

from madly - Monday, February 26, 2007
accessed 6129 times

The following are excerpts from a letter written to my sister who is currently still a member of TF:

Dear D,
I am confused, because you seem to want to pretend that we are sisters now and that I should forget everything from our past. I could do this and part of me may even want to, however; your lack of understanding and your blatant unwillingness to admit what happened to me, makes this very difficult for me to seriously consider. Because of you, I have been dwelling recently on the events that haunt my past. Events which you still seem to overlook, deem a lie; issues that hold little importance to you or the group that you give your life to. I am writing to tell you that I feel sorry for you, to tell you that you have earned my pity, but have lost my respect and the right to be looked at as my family. I have a sincere sense of sympathy for you, for your ignorance and apparent utter weakness that would leave you where you are at presently.

I would like to speak to you as my sister, my blood, and not as a member of the group. Yet, I know this is impossible, for you lack the capability to seek the truth and see things for what they are. You do as you are told and view things as you are instructed to do so. Unlike me, you were always such a good obedient girl. I will forever be looking for the part of you that seeks wisdom and understanding. The place within you that must, at least in some minute way, suspect the evil that has come from the group you choose to honor with your very life. I want to tell you how horrified I am at the thought of you giving your life to something that destroyed such a big part of mine; a slap in the face or a knife to the heart would have hurt less.

Is it wise to give a child only one option of living? Would it be considered love to set your child up for a life that they did not choose and may not want nor believe in? Will your children grow up with all the options available to them and the support they need or will they grow up hating you for the life that you chose for them, without their consent? Do you really believe that there is only one way to make a difference in this world and that is your way, or do you at least admit that there is more than one way to live a good life with significance and meaning?

Remember how I used to fight with mom about this? I would say: “Does a Doctor have 8 children, mom, and expect every single one of them to grow up and become a doctor?” Think about it. I mean, he may hope for some to follow in his footsteps, but a wise man would know and desire his children to choose their own path, their own life, and destiny.

My life was not given for our parents to live, it was intended for me, and me alone! A loving parent understands this concept and is thus faced with the obligation of showing their child the world, giving them as much information, knowledge, and options as possible. They do this hoping their child will grow up informed and ready to make their own choice as to what they will become. Do you feel that your daughters have this option and if they choose to go their own way, will you support them or will you abandon them in the same way you did your very own sister?

You have told me time and time again that I was lying, that I did not go through the abuse and torture that I have told you of and the abuse that you did witness was for my own good. I deserved it because of my worldly ways and lack of willingness to heed to the life set before me. Why should I heed and accept a life that I did not choose, nor care to live or be a part of? Why was I wrong to question and to look at other options of living? Is your God so hateful that he would expect someone to live a miserable life and put it in their heart to want to get out and try another way? If so, you can keep you God and I will take my chances in hell.

“For what doth it profit a man if he should gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” Well… I would have to argue: what doth it profit a man if he should gain his soul and have no life left to enjoy it? Have you thought for a minute that you may be wrong about the life you are giving up to earn yourself a lovely mansion in heaven? What if you gave up this life for a heaven that does not exist and it turns out this life was all you had? Would you still live the way you are? Here and now is what matters; so you can have your heaven and I will have my now.

If you truly want to be a missionary, I see nothing wrong with this and I completely respect your choice to do so. However; giving your life to a group that does not care for its own members, yet preaches love, is a hypocritical outright lie and you cannot offer people the truth when you do not have the truth to give them. How can you believe and support a group that takes a little girl, abuses her in every which way, causes her to grow up hating life, feeling unloved, lost, alone, abandoned by her own family, because of the wishes of the group? How can you preach love and not love your own? How can you seek the truth and not listen to everyone that has tried to tell you their stories of abuse from within your group? Go, be a missionary. If that is what you truly want to be, I will even support you, but do it for someone that has not condoned and overlooked child abuse, for this is not the Christian way.

You know that that song your group sings, “In the room”? “In the room your never alone, lots of people are with you and they tell you that it’s your home. In the room there is a window and your name above the door, but you can’t go out now, your friends have locked the door. ‘Who wants to go out?’ they say, ‘it’s nice and warm in here. Come take a walk with us. We love to have your near.’ But I want to see… I want to feel… I hear the wind blowing, so don’t tell me it isn’t real. I’ll climb out the window if you won’t open the door. I’ll do anything. I know there’s got to be more!”

I still love that song and you know why? Because this song is very true, but you and your group have it backwards, for this song is about you. You, in there, living a closed off prison cell existence of a life, allowing them to tell you there is nothing out here, but evil, pain, and hardships. They are the liars and you are the victim. That song is the perfect depiction of my life in The Family. That is why I loved that song, because I wanted to SEE! I wanted to FEEL! I wanted to climb out the window and you know I did a few times. It was always funny to me when they would sing that song, because I knew who it was really about.

Do you see that light shining through the crack in your window? Do you ever wonder what is out there and what you may be missing? There is a whole beautiful world out here that our parents didn’t tell us about and you are missing it. Just know that it is here and that you would fit nicely in it and I would love to show it to you.

Until that day, you tell me: “Just get over it.” You say: “Forget about it.” Well… that is easier said than done and I will live my life and be happy, but I won’t forget more than half my life and what I had to endure. When you say such things, it makes me look at you with disbelief and disgust for what you have overlooked and denied. I am your sister and you should have had my back and my best interest at heart. I will forgive you, but I will not forget. So, my answer to you is: “I know you said I should just get over it… well it turned my whole life around… Forgive sounds good, forget... I’m not sure I could. They say, time heals everything, but I’m still waiting. I’m not ready to make nice. I’m not ready to back down. I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round. It’s too late to make it right. Probably wouldn’t if I could, because I am mad as hell and can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should!”