WWW.MYCONCLUSION.COM - What I posted( they won't publish)

from NoPhuchinWhey - Thursday, July 21, 2005
accessed 2383 times

Just me rambling on & getting this crap off my mind.

A 2nd class member's perspective:

Hi my name is Shawn A I am/or was a 2nd generation member. & THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS On " THE FAMILY" & THE STORY OF MY LIFE!!

I guess I feel like I need to get this off my chest & maybe have a few questions answered. Hopefully this won't be edited & remain in its original form. I've heard if you post on this site ( MYconclusion.com ) then it has to go to the editor & if they don't like it they won't post it. ( THEY DIDN'T )
Forgive me for any typos or grammatical errors, I never really received much of a good homeskewled EDumikation in the Part time Family. THis is going to be LOOOONG but I need to get it all out.

I'm not trying to be bitter, I'm just trying to understand what happened, thats the only true way to coming to terms & growing & moving on with your life.
My parents ( mom )joined TF back in the day & TF had some weird ways of recruiting people ie, ( flirty fishing) & weird ways of having relationships ie, " Sharing " so thats how I & most of the family 2nd generation members came about. I guess they went on the ol' saying " wanna go half on a bastard?" LoL.......no pun intended. I guess thats how alot of us were born. Everyone having sex with everyone, hope there isn't much inbreeding...........eeeeeew =^(

Ok my fascination with finding out more about TF The COG & everything about my childhood happened after I got back from Iraq & had just finished up my 4 years of active slavery in the U.S. ARMY. I was trying to make it in this world & hadn't given TF much thought. I moved back to California because I have family here, was attending a local Junior College & struggling badly. Found out I had a learning disability & I'm really defficient in a few subjects. That was pretty discouraging I thought back to my homeSkewled Days & realized my mom had too many kids & she prob. overlooked me having problems in school. I've just always felt like I was cheated in the whole education dept. my mother who had 6 kids didn't really have time to give us the needed attention. I guess if we had grown up in ACTUAL FAMILY communes we might of been a little better off. Maybe thats why some of you say how "great your life was", "good education", " learned new languages ", " well rounded ". Mine wasn't all bad I must admit, it could have been worse but it sure was different.

I got home & was watching TV & they had a story about some lady named Angela Smith who was murdered by a certain Rikki Rodriguez. That spiked my attention because she was from PALO ALTO which was the next town over. Then the news mentioned something about the COG & TF soooo thats how this all started. I don't agree with what he did, but she must of done something to him to make him that mad to kill her. His mother " Mamma Maria" must of really done something that made him want to get to her to. People don't just do these kind of things for no reason. In his videos he even said TF had done a real # on him & had messed up alot of people's lives. He said " he was sorry for the guys, but the girls man you guys........." so his view of the woman in TF was much like mine. I guess I viewed alot of them to be " FUCKED IN THE HEAD" sleeping with alot of guys, overly exposed to sex at a young age. They just seemed to have a distorted view on how relationships should be, especially seeing their own moms sleeping with numerous guys. I guess its personal choice but it seems they weren't normal...most were taught to use their bodys to get what they wanted ( provisioning) send the cute girls to get stuff...maybe thats why I meet many XFam girls who are strippers? or this certain girl I don't wanna mention names, who is in Dallas & was doing PORN!!..man I swear.

Then I stumbled upon the " Movingon.org" website, started reading the posts & trying to find other people who I might know. There were alot of horror stories & stuff that might of been blown out of proportion but then there were alot of people who I could relate to. Lack of education end up working remedial jobs, JOINING THE MILITARY like myself ( EASY transition ) haha, & some girls became strippers that was funny, but seemed like it would of been an easy transition especially growing up in an overly sexually charged organization.

I met up with some other XF members from the movingon.org site & we all went to Rikki's memorial in San Diego. It was weird being around other members, but was interesting at the same time seeing what they were doing with their lives now. Some had gone on to be successful so that was encouraging. There were some XF members who were REALLY bitter & some who wanted to take things much furthers, like judicial punishment. So I thought to myself " these people REALLy must of had things happen to them, they wouldn't just be making these things up" At the same time I didn't feel like I fit in with some of them because they had been " D.O's" & my family had just been on the outskirts trying to live like them. Alot of them had traveled to other countries learned diff. languages & seemed like they had better schooling, thats why they were successful after they got out. A few of them talked to me & asked me where I had been & I told them I had mostly been a TRF member that made me feel like I didn't even fit in with them, I was pissed, " I couldn't even fit in with other cult members". That made me feel even more of an outsider.

My family had originally lived in the commune like homes & from what I've gathered my mom said something to one of the " sheppards" I'm not sure if she was in the right or not, but she ended up getting kicked out while she was pregnant & go back to live with our relatives all the way in California, from Florida. My Father, or the GUy who I thought was my father ( he actually took care of me) God bless him for that, stayed at the "Home" with me. That must of been rough for my mom leaving her husband & some of her kids behind. She eventually ended up reporting the " sheppard" to some other bigwigs & I guess we got into another commune home. I don't remember much except that we lived with lots of other people & had JJT & went " witnessing" " canning" for money & my parents were gone for a few weeks every once in a while on trips. I didn't understand why they were gone. We used to get disciplined by other people & I didn't really understand that because they weren't our parents.

I'm not exactly sure why we got put on " BABE" or " TRF" status ( I don't know why they gave people labels, it made them feel inferior & thats what probably caused resentment among Former members & their children), thats what it was called back in the day. I'm not sure now soo many new cool labels FD, FM, MM, MotherFUCked....whatever?? But we ended up living on our own & my parents tried to raise us in much the same manner. It felt like we were 2nd class members though getting the leftovers & scraps. We couldn't read all the new materials & publications they came out with ie...( THe Charter ). It gave me an inferiority complex. We lived around some other TRF members & it seemed like they were mostly single mothers with LOADS of kids from different fathers. Our parents tried to live with these other familys. It was fun from a kids standpoint but the neighbors sure would wonder what we were doing( "why are all these people living in ONE house??" )

Every once in awhile THE " D.Os" Disciples ONLY", or whatever they are called now-a-days ( FD), would stop by & we would lay out the best dishes & clean the house ALL DAY. It seemed like they were royalty or at least thats how our parents made it seem. They would come in with nice clothes, nice cars, & seemed like they had it alot better than we did. My family was still trying to Can, witness" & " clowning" . that was embarrassing. We were also on WELFARE for as long as I can remember, its almost impossible to support 7 kids even with a good paying job. So that didn't help with my perception of The Family much either ( I know NO EXCUSES!!) I guess my parents just didn't know how to adapt or something after they got out. Other members got out & have successful lives. Mine were just still trying to live like they did in the " HOMES" & kept telling us : " JEsus is coming back, it doesn't matter" " its ok drop out of school it doesn't matter, take the G.E.D" that sure wouldn't help us much or prepare us for a life in this world.

I just tried to block it all out & be " NORMAL " but at the same time I was condemed for being a " SYSTEMITE " the name TF gave to everyone not like them. It was rough trying to adjust.......we mostly hung out with other part time members in Washington state, & California. We kept moving all the time never really settled down. We had a big YELLOW school bus & we drove around in that & sang at old folk homes, that was nice I'm sure they enjoyed that, but it just made me feel like an outcast. People would stare at us weird.

I found it hard to adjust & adapt to the " system " My mom finally got fed up with me & put me in 8th Grade. That WAS CULTURE SHOCK!! Try going from homeSKEwLin' to " HEY kick my ass I'm a sheltered Jesus boy, & I'm wearing knee high socks !!" lol

By this time my mom was on her 2nd husband ( JAMES ) Gary Sullivan so it was originally GIDEON & MARIE now ( JAMES & MARIE ) aka Gary Sullivan HE turned out to be a pervert, slept with some girl who was about 14yrs old. So they " excommunicated" him & get got kicked out that was pretty weird because he was my lil' brother's father & I had looked up to him he seemed like a good guy. So my mom stayed with him for a little longer & we tried to go to a " FELLOWSHIP " & got kicked out because of him that made me feel like a real outsider. He eventually broke up with my mom & we got put on another status "label" I remember not being allowed to hang out with some other TRF member kids " Nat & sara" I guess they thought I wasn't good enough or something as their kids & their son's use to make fun of my family because my mom had alot of different husbands. I remember one time they called her a " HO " that pissed me the fuck off. I didn't want to think of it like that, but the whole " sharing " thing & my mom having alot of kids with different guys didn't help my view of her much. This made me feel second rate even more, my self asteem wasn't too high. Well, it gets better some SLEEZE BAG ( STEVE- or his system name " TOM HOGAN" ) stumbled onto the scene.Another FINE EXAMPLE of a Family " Father Figure " a new " UNCLE DADDY" to take the place. WOOHOO!!
He ended up forcing his way into my household I was tired of having new fathers by this time & was pretty pissed that this guy was moving in. He eventually got sick of not being able to MAKE ME LIKE HIM, & became abusive. Socked me in the face & put his hands on my sister. My own mom ended up dumping me & my sister on other people & taking off to Maryland to live in some TRF member wannabe commune home.

So I ended up living with Gideon ( my original Father ) not biological but he took care of me. That was rough because he wasn't in the best of health & had all types of problems. Soriasis, diabetes, back surgery. He was on pain pills & would have weird mood swings( I used to get him weed at school just so he would feel better ) we were always struggling to make it. I went to a ghetto school named Hiram W. Johnson H.S. & plugged along & graduated got to Love California schools they will pass anyone even ME!! Even if you don't take any profficiency tests & cheat your way through TYJ!!

Life got worse, my stepdad got evicted & I ended up living in John & Judea's garage(Bless them). I eventually got out of there & moved in with another XF friend. Got tired of working at KzzzMAuT & didn't have many options with my bad education so I enlisted into the U.S. ARMY against my stepdad's wishes. I barely passed the ASAVAB.

This year has been weird, met my biological father( who never contacted me my whole life, it took me years just to contact him, I HAD TO CONTACT THE BUM!! Makes me SICK!! that there are alot of guys in TF who would just have sex with random people & just forget about it & not use protection, I remember my stepdad saying there were STD's going around. THE WORST THing was most of these bums wouldn't even take care of the kids they fathered. No childsupport, nothing, Most of us bastards were lucky to even find out who our sperm donor was)
MET some of my bro's & sisters I never knew I had. Went to my bro' Ike's wedding. Met some fellow XF members, & Some who were still in TF were there. I tried to get answers for questions I had.
It was weird hearing that this one girl had been selling herself for drugs & money. At Rikki's memorial I got even more doubts from seeing Davida ( someone I had read about ) & NOW SHE WAS A STRIPPER!! that was crazy.Other people were also strippers & one girl had gone to prostitution because she didn't know what else to do living on the streets. She was a product of the " VICTOR PROGRAM" & was tryingt to make enough to get her bro's & sisters out of TF. There were some who had been sexually molested & had turned gay. Rikki commited Murder & suicide. So these were the poster children I had grown up reading about & idolizing. Made me REALLY DOUBT " THE FAMILY" big time. THen there were things on 60-minutes" & a " Law & order " episode that portrayed TF. This just added to my negative views towards them. I hadn't had the best experiences & my views from growing up were pretty distorted. Sick things like my parents making us sit down & watch them have sex!!.

I guess the point I'm trying to get at is I'm sure TF's original intent was harmless & they wanted to spread God's word, which I have no problem with but they did some weird things & they did change alot of people's lives. Some in good ways& some in bad ways. I know friends who had daughters who were molested. Talked to other people who said they were molested. These might of been isolated incidents but its just weird that in just a small group of people I know there is all these instinces of things happening. How many more?? shouldn't this be brought out in the open?? Judicial punishment?? Statistics shown?? I just recently found out there was a letter of apology from TF put out. IF WE HAD MORE COMMUNICATION!! Then alot of people wouldn't be so bitter, but saying sorry isn't just going to heal the wounds, its a good start though. If they MADE AN EXAMPLE out of these losers ( child molesters, abusers, whatever) then that would send a BIG MESSAGE TO anyone...& the " apostates" wouldn't have anything to bitch about.

( David Berg, mo man, Father David ) man that was one smart bastard. He lived a weird life, was condemed by his mother at a young age for masterbating, and likeing sex.....so he had all this bent up frustration & when his mother died & he had all these strung out hippies who would believe anyone who had some food & a place to chill...PERFECT TIMING mo man......he FELT LIKE A KING!! he finally thought he found his calling, NO MORE OVERBEARING MOTHER TO condem him.....he could act out his SICK fantasies ( Swinger clubs, WIFE SWAPPING, Sharing", WHATEVER!!! " I PREACH SEX" ALL those years of his overbearing wife & mother.....FInally he could just live like a PIMP!! he had a following......man he had a good system, lived the good life as a drunk winno, cigar smoking swinger. Had a young wife, multiple girls throwing themselves at him, came up with crazy off the wall stories that would later have to be edited & BURNED....to hide from the cops....yep gotta cover your tracks you pedophile.....writing about sleeping with Techi & all kinds of weird shit....antisemetic, anti everything.

" Queen Maria & " KING PEter " ( who gave them those names?)need to be more visible!! THe pope is a religious figure & so is the Dalei LAhma" so why isn't the leader's of TF more visible?? Do they have something to hide?? I've heard the story " Oh they have enemys that might kill them" What did they do?? they must of done something if someone wants to kill them!!!

Why can't they trust in God to protect them??

I won't stop believing in God but this disturbs me & makes me question the people who lead this thing.

They never really thought about how us 2nd Generation members were going to adapt to living in " THE SYSTEM" if we didn't decide on staying in TF...Maybe a TRANSITION PROGRAM??? soMETHING SHIT!!!

So alot of us are bitter & do have resentment that our parents are now struggling financially. They put 20+ years of service in & they don't have a retirement plan or anything. I guess they went in as young adults with little, or NO prior VOCATIONAL training so when they got out it was a RUDE AWAKENING. My mom is 50yrs old & has nothing, still on welfare, & gives money to TF every month. She has finally been able to go to massage therapist school, because my relatives paid for her to go. I just wish they had something for the first GENERATIOn members. maybe a ( RETIREMENT HOME)??? Thats the least they could do. I know TF has a descent cash flow From their LEGIT NON-profit organizations " Kings" " Queens" & part time members who are still giving money faithfully every month. I GUESS I'll just have to take care of her, go back to iraq & try to make enough as a civilian contractor to buy a house to move her to.

I sure hope the $$$ is going to the right people the actual christians who are trying to serve God & spread his word.

Lately I've known a few people who went back to TF. They say they had " made it big, I had money, woman, but I wasn't happy" & my new found younger bro. Mike....he went back also. I asked them: " why did you go back?" I got mixed answers some sounded legit. You know some people are good kindhearted souls & they want to help others. At the same time I wondered if that was all they knew, growing up. Mike told me he " didn't see himself working a 9-5pm system job" Which seemed like that was TF brainwashing. I guess I don't really wanna work a 9-5pm job either is that just because we've been told thats the "system's" way of doing things?? & that would be living an unproductive life?? " just working for the man" I wish I never had any of these memorys & that they would just go away but I feel that from my " FAMILY " upbringing that this " SYSTEM " world just doesn't cut it, & that theres "more meaning to life". I don't want to live a life of just working & making $$ to please myself, living for myself. I thank TF for that perspective, I would like to help others, maybe I'll find a humanitarian aid group to work for. But this makes it harder to " MOVEON " as they say. You always have this little voice saying " this doesn't mean anything" this is all worldy crap" " your not living for God, your living for yourself" " your not going to be happy"

Another thing that bugs me is my older sister Nicole " Vikki" I'm not sure what she goes by, why the HELL!! did people change their names sooo many times?? Everyone had to have some bible name. She is living in Taiwan I THINK!! still in TF & she pisses me off because she doesn't keep in contact much. My relatives THINK SHE'S IN " A CULT" because they haven't seen her for YEARS!! which pisses me off to, she is ON HER 4th kid ALREADY!! Just seems like TF taught woman to be home makers & have lots of kids " GO FOR THE GOLD". It seems like they have TOO many kids & can't take care of them all, thats why they live in communes. Wish I could see my nieces & Nephews sometime this LIFE!!, Like normal people do. I just hope she doesn't say anything that would spit the people who are in charge of her " HOME" & get kicked out & her husband stays. SHe would end up with 4 kids no job skills, almost 30yrs old, & broke on the streets like my mom did. I just hope she doesn't repeat the same mistakes ALL OVER AGAIN.

Well, ALL-IN-ALL I have come to realize I can't judge TF completely until I learn more because I was mostly on the outskirts, I would like more insight because I mostly have negative memories of growing up "on outside looking in". I know alot of other members must of had it pretty good because they are telling grand stories of how their lives were great growing up in TF. THey MUST of been in the REAL HOMES in the " Jumbos" & all.

I am at a constant battle with myself over my views on it & keep wondering if I would ever be able to go back in, where my place is in life, who I am, & what I want.
I know TF has changed & they seem more " Mainstream" now, with their non-profit organizations, clean-cut image. THey have DENOUNCED prior WEIRD activities they used to do. ie, ( flirty fishing, considering 16yr olds adults, having sexually explicit pics in their publications, which they ended up telling people to CUT OUT THOSEPAGES, BLACK OUT THAT PARAGRAPH" seems like they would do this to cover their asses. ) It just seems like the only time TF changed was because of media pressure or if they were going to get in trouble.

Well, if anyone has any answers or any ideas on my views feel free to contact me, I am always interested in seeing both sides of this subject.

My E-MAIL:

SHAWN.C.ANTONIA@US.ARMY.MIL

Glad to hear any comments