Prisoner of hope

from SOL - Monday, March 21, 2005
accessed 1465 times

Supportive article for article in local school paper writen about ex-family members and Ricky.

Prisoner of Hope

As I watch my child grow up and see him develop and create his own l personality I cant help but remember my lack of personality as a child, my sense of inadequacy and my self-destructive need to be humiliated and punished.
As a mother I fear that in my striving to find myself and create that which as taken away from me, that I will not be able to give to my child what he deserves, what every child deserves; freedom to think, freedom to speak, and the ability to help him learn to love and accept himself.

From the day we were born we were told how to feel, how to think, how to have no will of our own. They didnt have to break us down and remake us, because we never had the chance to be any thing else.
Brainwashing according to The Family was impossible, their information deriving from personal studies and supportive information that gave them a reason to make us believe that we had free will.
Out of personal experience, I beg to differ.
Our parents were brain washed because they were weak-minded, drug using, bent on breaking conformity, lazy hippies. They chose to be brain washed and received it very willingly. They were not locked up in a room with weird futuristic mind expanding machines that radiated annoying sound waves into their minds, nor were they drugged, or forced in any way to participate or be a part of this sort of life style. The only weapon used against them was guilt and manipulation, and they welcomed it, and embraced their newfound life style, with no caution for the consequence of their actions and with no care for the future.

We on the other hand were born into it, we didnt know any better, we were told that those who didnt live like us were the misfortunate ones, who lived lives of fear and mistrust, and every one around them lived only to hurt them and cause them pain, but we, oh, we had it all, and we had been fortunate enough to get to live this care free life, full of love, trust and freedom, being taken care of by people who really loved us and always wanted what was best for us.

We were continuously reminded that we were their future, but their beliefs, their faith, and every thing they fought for, will die with them and it will only be a matter of time before they are completely forgotten, leaving behind only the suppressed painful memories belonging to the children that they loved.

I believe in justice, I believe that every one pays, if not in this life then in the next.
I believe that God is a just God, and is powerful and will vindicate and destroy those who have manipulated and misused His word; they have made a mockery out of His sacrifice, and have caused many to suffer.

I know that might sound strange coming from one of us, who have been left with hardly a reason to even believe in God, but I believe in God! Not their god, not that carnal, sexually deviated, perverse concoction that they called god. Nor do I believe in degrading and minimizing His Greatness and Holiness by performing sexual favors for him or with him. Nor will I let His name be tainted on my lips, by make false expressions of my commitment to Him, and sacrifices as if He were a pagan god. I dont really know what God wants from us but I know better then to desecrate and manipulate His words, by using them to excuse my sinful carnal lusts.

We are social misfits, misfits of society, and every day that I live I strive to be just like every one else, I want to think that I have a future, I dont want to think of myself as an exception, but that I have the same opportunities as every one else around me.
But ever day that I live, every breath that I breath, every job that I accomplish, every night that I sleep, costs me a little bit more then most everyone around me, I have to fight a little bit harder, push myself a little bit harder, as I struggle daily with my personal demons, my constant need to belittle myself and my immense feelings of inadequacy. As my continuous need for acceptance cripples me, and my fear of rejection pushes me further away from people.

And at night when my child sleeps in peaceful bliss, knowing that nothing can ever harm him, I lay in my bed unable to sleep, fearing what tomorrow may bring, or what it might not bring.
Fearing that when I close my eyes my childhood demons will be waiting for me, destroying every thing I have worked so hard to achieve, eating me from the inside and taking me down, leaving me empty and frustrated, feeling that no matter how hard I try to make things better, and to achieve good things in my life, they will always be there to take them away, to steal them from me.

In my dreams I have seen the doorway to hell, I have seen darkness, I have seen death, I have seen and felt hopelessness beyond that you could ever imagine. I have seen my friends and loved ones overwhelmed by life to the point of not being able to live, living useless lives, that could have been so much more, but never having had the chance or the hope for some thing better, and then dieing useless deaths, with nothing but despair and pain to accompany them to the next life. Allowing their demons to win, allowing every cursed word spoken upon us to be fulfilled, leaving us feeling their hopelessness.

To my dear friends who have left us with only the memory of your tragic deaths, as you fall I pray that someone lifts you up, I hope and I pray that wherever you are, that you feel the love that you never felt in this life, that you feel hope despite despair, and that you are in a place where no one can ever hurt you, no one can ever make you cry, where no one can touch you.

If all I live for is to prove that their lives and their deaths were not in vane, then I have lived for good. I live because I have hope, I live because I will not allow my pain to be for nothing, I live to see my child have every thing I never had, to feel the acceptance that I never felt.
I have no choice but to have hope, I was given no future and no past, so I have willed from nothing hope for my future, and hopes to forget my past.
I have willingly become, and always will be, a Prisoner of Hope.