Moving On - Children of the Children of God

I was full of attachments. The little girl inside then and now, feeling small and vulnerable and uncared for. A lost little girl. And what does my past have to do with my present future?

The past is in the present, coming from the old attachments I formed when I was too young to do anything other than hold on to the feelings of hatred against the very ones who were my life protection, or so I had always hoped.

They, instead; used us children as the means to an end = The family, all hail the name of God.

We were used as a way to God - The means were not ours, not our choice, yet all the while we were presenting God's love to the world and helping others. But the end doesn't justify the means. In all our exposure we were neglected and unprotected from the evils in this world such as our fellow members, completely power-obsessed and full of unsatisfied perversions.

I was so helpless as a child and I looked to my parents for safety. There was none. I just wanted to be held in the arms of love, and finally dissapointed by the lack of love I started to hide away. I went unnoticed. This was my safety, my own protection.

Don't look at me! I am hurting and ashamed. I have a beaten body, that has been touched and overrun by adults who know how to pervade and persuade a child. This child knew no better than to listen and obey. I lived without independent choice, others decided all my decisions and so much that even the choice of when I wanted to share my body and with whom was not mine.

In the Now, every single relationship has been painful in some way. It has crossed any boundary that was there and there were not many left after The family. I did choose to remain silent about what was happening to me and to allow humiliation, and the pain. I just followed the cues given. I followed instructions, however subtle, I read them and acted on them. So within any relationship I remained the giver. I knew how to be seductive and be a pleaser because I had practiced this at the age of 3 or 4. I was the pretender. I ask myself what did I gain from giving my performance? I still felt shame plus I was losing any dignity I had. I had lost a part of myself.

I have let my relationships deepen the wound that is already so open and hurting. The more I love the person the more I degrate myself. Now I pretend I am enjoying this involvement, that it pleasures me to be so uncared for, I play it real cool. But I am not me, I compromise me to please until I lose me entirely, I am consumed. I open the wound, it pushes me into a sadness. It is dividing us.

In my heart I know that I can't keep any relationship going. The sexual contact caused the wound in the first place and I want to stop but I don't feel strong enough to let anyone know that its not me. Its performance. For now, in my present, even the most beautiful relationships are poisened with abuse, but its what I know and allow. I wonder if this is what I will choose. Will I just avoid relationships, or keep avoiding the truth in my present and future relationships? I know if I will keep hiding myself then I will slowly divide myself from others. And I want to divide because facing the truth would be facing the humilliation.

Of course no one will never know the truth about me. No one would ever know the humilliation of being sexually abused and then being something you are not. I know this I am not but I live this lie anyways.

I wonder if my old attachments will ever be freed.

Reader's comments on this article
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from Tez
Monday, December 29, 2003 - 18:10
(Agree/Disagree?)

I understand were you're coming from in your article as I've been through so much shit because of them myself. I left them in 1995 when I was 15, I had tried running away twice before unsuccessfully (not to mention 3 failed suicide attempts by the age of 14) but I managed to get out eventually. I was sexually & physically abused from about 4 years old by my father & some other group members. I was finally fully raped when I was 12 by one of my brothers. My mother knew what was going on (she even witnessed it on one occasion) but when I talked to her she told me it was all part of growing up & I should be more christian & "giving" in my attitude.

I grew up feeling so guilty because I was incapable of "giving" willingly enough. I so desperately wanted nothing more than to be "good" and to please people. I must admit that even now I tend to go over the top with mates, trying to be whatever anybody wants me to be. Sometimes I act all tough like I dont give a shit about what anyone else thinks of me but I can only pull it off for so long before I turn into a quivering paranoid reck and feel forced to try to make-up with anyone I may have inadvertantly offended.

I couldn't hold down any sort of a relationship & the one time I thought I'd managed it (I went out with the guy for 3 years), it got messed up because I broke down & told him everything that happened & he said he couldn't handle it. That was just 2 months ago actually so I'm a bit of a mess myself at the moment but I've got this far (3 years is a pretty long time) so I reckon it's only a matter of time before I sort myself out (fingers crossed). A friend of mine's been through some stuff & she reckons I should talk to one of these sexual abuse therapy groups, they apparently work as she went to them for a while & she got over everything so I've signed up for them & hopefully they'll work! You never know it may even cure me..

Anyway, I think RS's advice might just be the best for you & me at the moment. There's nothing we can do about it right this sec, so we may as well go out, get pissed, have fun, & forget about life in general for the next week or so - it is New Years after all!!!!

After all that babbling I just wanted to say good luck! If you ever fancy a chat get in touch.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

Tez
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from GoldenMic
Friday, December 26, 2003 - 13:52
(Agree/Disagree?)

Hi, I was moved by your words, and they echoed. So, THIS is why there are words like "angst" and "anomie" in the dictionary, to describe the undescribable pain of feeling separated from one's living. In some ways, your words are more sad coming at Christmas, but this is the season when we sum it all up, and us ex-cultites can never fully escape the ravages of our pasts.

Remember, though, that we ARE listening here on this website, and you are not completely alone. I'm glad of that.
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from Sir Rantalot
Friday, December 26, 2003 - 09:08
(Agree/Disagree?)

I know where you're coming from, I wish ya all the best.

It's interesting to note that with a lot of us, there is this underlying masochism, a constant need to work for others' approval, love & friendship. This is a typical Christian mindset, which was brought to extremes in the Family. I find even with close friends, I must act extra nice & am constantly wondering if they appreciate my company or not. This is an irrational fear. To try and counter this i tried the other extreme, almost sociopathic, where I oozed personality, suppressed any feelings of empathy & just generally acted whatever way I wanted and said "fuck what the others think, I'm fucking mad and I'm proud of it!", it's all a matter of finding the balance between the two extremes.

The only technique I've heard about to induce deliberate brain change(other than the accepted but archaic ECT) and change messed up mammalian imprinting from bad childhood experiences was some stuff by Timothy Leary and his 8 circuit brain model and his meta-programming techniques. Pity his research offended the predominantly Christian US government's morality and he was locked away for ten years for the possession of one joint & his bail was the highest ever posted in the US, 5 million dollars! Sounds like the Spanish inquisition to me..

Just take it one day at a time, you're a survivor, you'll make it, there will be a happy beginning someday, just take things one day at a time. Have a great new year party, get absolutely wasted and laugh hysterically at the absurdity of it all, surprisingly you'll feel much better afterwards.

Cheers,

SR
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