an open letter

from conjoined twins - Friday, June 03, 2005
accessed 1209 times

to my big sister

Kristina my dearest,

I hope you don’t mind me posting this letter to you here on Moving on (and I hope no-one else on the site minds.) This is both a kind of personal tribute and also a kind of public apology (even though I don’t know many other people here). I have spoken to you personally but only a letter can say everything I have to say. You have been kind enough to dismiss the need for an apology but I have to make sure you know I’m sincere; so I hope this will go someway towards that. My intention is not to beat myself up unnecessarily, but just to face up to the truth and to beg forgiveness for the things that require it.

It’s been nearly 17 years since we have been a part of TF but we are still under its influence because a person can’t get away from their Childhood. I feel shame, not for having had an easier time of it than you in TF, but for my actions since then that have made your life even harder. I would like to say how proud I am of you and your incredible lightness of spirit and for the love you have generously shown those around you; you have always tried to protect other people from the things you had to deal with. But, for those times that you did not have the strength, I apologise for when my own despair was a contributing factor; or when it blinded me from the love I have for you in my heart and prevented me from supporting you in the way I should have

I want to thank you for always being my shield and surrogate mother. Your knowledge and skill at an unfathomably young age gave me and our younger siblings space to breathe and have some kind of ‘normal’ and relatively happy childhood.

When we left the group this situation didn’t change much. You bore the brunt of our re-entry into society at large but I reaped the benefits. You faced the harsh realities of being a strange alien in a ‘normal’ school and I had the softer cushion of a private school and its middle class politeness. You campaigned against TF, but I felt sorry for myself because my childhood had now been completely altered by the revelations of sex-abuse. My step-dad (who I had loved despite his badness) was now an evil Monster that had to be torn out of my mind. Needless to say, I am having to reconsider these immature views.

My intention was always to pay you back for all those years of food and board (and more) that you provided when you didn’t have to (while you struggled as a single parent). I would often excuse myself with something like “when I am rich and famous I’ll make it up to you.” I did the taking, but eventually realised (as you did) that I couldn’t deliver on the giving; things drastically weren’t going my way. I collapsed into myself to ‘work things out’. While I could afford to self-indulge and retreat zombie-like for a year or two, you didn’t have that option. And I had the nerve to sometimes castigate you for the chips on your shoulders when I had a forest of them weighing me down. For that stupidity and arrogance I am truly sorry.

By focusing on these negative aspects I hope you don’t think I have forgotten all the good times; we had some great fun and our unique experiences mean we are in lots of ways closer than many brothers and sisters get to be. You are full of good qualities and have done a great job with your son; and I hope that he will also forgive me when he looks back; but that depends on how I go on from here.

I look forward to a future with my Ego in its proper place; otherwise It only poisons and ruins everything. And I look forward to constantly renewed love giving meaning to our lives in ways we can’t imagine now.

Yours with Love,

Dave