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Getting Real : Ask Alf
Hitler On The Vandari | from JohnnieWalker - Friday, October 18, 2002
accessed 2640 times GBY ILY dear loved ones. While making love to our sweet Husband (His golden seeds are so sweet, aren’t they?) He spoke the following words of love and counsel to me:
(Jesus speaking:) That was such a good blowjob, Honey. You do it best. It’s thrilling to see how many of my special called out ones have mastered the new weapon of sucking and swallowing in the spirit. This weapon will be the most important one out of all the new weapons I have given you. You will need it to fight the Antichrist in the days to come. When his evil forces are on your trail, give Me head and I’ll rescue you.
In appreciation of your love for Me, I now have a very special surprise for you…
(Me:) Aren’t you all excited to hear what our wonderful sexy Lover has to give us? I sure was. His words made me feel all tingly and I began getting that tell-tale pulsating throb in my solar plexus that Maria and Peter said they got whenever they had sex with Jesus (I am not making this up), so I knew I was being fucked hard by Jesus and He wanted to give me his seeds real bad. Then suddenly, the enemy attacked and my Dictaphone slipped off the bed, spilling all 27 of its triple ‘A’ batteries onto the floor.
Thankfully, our muscular Wonderman punched through and I miraculously reassembled the Dictaphone just in time to hear our sweet Lover say:
(Jesus speaking:) … and that’s all I have to say…about that.
(Me:) I was almost sure I had missed something important. I didn’t want to lose a single cum … er … crumb from our sexy Husband’s table, so I asked Him to please give me the message again. -- And He did.
Isn’t the Lord so loving? He loves us as a true Shepherd, even though we are dumb sheep. Make love to us Jesus. We are dumb sheep who need you to fuck us. (Important note to all men: Please visualize yourselves as sheep in the spirit when practicing this kind of sex with the Lord.) Here is the repeat of the message that Jesus gave:
(Jesus speaking:) That was such a good blowjob, Honey. You do …
(Me:) Umm…Jesus, we heard that already.
(Jesus speaking:) Oops. Lemme see. Where was I? … aha! … very special surprise for you. I have called for my humble servant Hitler to give you an insight on the workings of the Vandari and the powers they have for all those who seek after justice to be meted out upon the doers of little children.
Bring on the drum roll, sound the Heavenly bugles! I present to you, my special, called-out children, Arnold Hitler!
(Spirit helper speaking:) Er… Master, that’s “Adolf”, not “Arnold”.
(Jesus speaking while rolling eyes:) Whaaaaatever.
(Me:) These loving words from our loving Lover of all lovers were immediately followed by a startling vision of Heavenly drums being rolled down a gentle slope and Mozart playing bugle sound effects on a golden synthesizer. I stood in awe as before my very eyes, a set of purple curtains were drawn back revealing … another set of dazzling red curtains. As these were magically lifted, I beheld the most wonderful sight I have ever seen.
There, in the center of a circle of lit blow torches stood Hitler, tall and strong with his right arm held stiffly into the air at what I guess must have been close to a 37.4 degree angle. I fell to my knees and wept. I was not worthy of such honor.
Then he spoke:
(Hitler speaking:) Guardz! Get zis veeping waschlappen out of my sight at wanz.
(Me:) I could no longer control myself. My eyes gushed forth their last gallons of tears as I fell helplessly to the ground, humbled by my great leader’s love for me. Then, as if from nowhere, the two most handsome angelic beings I have ever seen came and dragged me across the floor and threw me rudely into a corner where I sat, eager to hear what my Lover’s special messenger had to say.
(Hitler speaking:)
Alrite! I vas in mein manshun, entshoying mein favorit brekkfazt of Kelly kornflakes mit mein gut friend Pol Pot (I haf niknamed him ‘Potty’) ven I received ze order to komm und speek to you about ze Vandari.
Zis Zerby voman has it all vrong! Ze name “Vandari” iz not from “vandalz”, “dark” und “I”. It komms from ze Rushions. Of corz, you stupid gottverdammte Hurensöhner vill ask “Vy, vy?”. Und I vill tell you.
You must view zis name sru ze eyes of ze Grien Dohr und must look at it backvards: I-R-A-D-N-A-V
Nau, mein tshildrens, do you see vy I haf called you gottverdammte Hurensöhner? Gut!
It iz ze Rushion name Ivan (I.) Radnav. He iz ze leeder of ze Vandari. Ven he first had ze idea of making Vandari, he tried hiz Vandari powers on Berg (he used ze alias Ivan Ivanovitch) und zey ver veri effektif. From zat moment on, Berg kud only mumble silly lyrix like “Yes, we do, we do”. Ze Family haz nau made ein techno remix of zis song for ze FTTs. Bat ze Vandari influenzed ze techno muzik und zees klever lyrix can be heard ven ze muzik iz played backvards:
We are the Vandari,
Yes we do, we do
We are the Vandari,
That’s our name it’s true,
We are the Vandari,
We are red and drool
We are the Vandari,
On Zerby we will chew
Before, Jesus waz sending nice fairys und spirits to ze Family to try to vake zem up from zeyr dilushuns. Bat becauze ze Family only twisted zeyr vords und kame up mit some foolishness, Radnav haz decidet to send zem some sprits to scare zem into seeing ze truz und ze lite.
Nau ze Family haz twisted vords again und sink zat ze Vandari messentsher sed “Ze keys are ze dread of all Vandari”. Zis iz vrong. Vat ze Vandari messentsher really sed vas “Ze keys are ze BREAD of Vandari”. Ze Vandari eat keys more often zan Zerby eat Kelly. Vandari like to eat keys veri much. Kar keys, dohr keys, monkeys, any keys.
So, nau I say to all my Vandari tshildrens vat a vise Vandari man wanz sed:
“Komm wiss me if you vant to liff.”
Heil!
(end of message from Hitler)
Wasn’t that awesome? Thank you sweet Husband for that wonderful message. I want more of your seeds. Come to me! I need you inside of me now. I need you! Give me your seeds! I want to feel you inside of me!
(Jesus speaking:) Quit bitching. It’s already in. |
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from Rachel
Saturday, April 19, 2003 - 12:26
(Agree/Disagree?)
That was... I laughed my ass off. The only way to make sense of it was to read it aloud.. my coworkers think I'm nuts but it was truly worth it.
(reply to this comment)
| from Cultinvator
Monday, March 24, 2003 - 14:26
(Agree/Disagree?)
Brilliant! Two Thumbs Up (the ass of Ze Bee)
(reply to this comment)
| from placebo
Monday, March 03, 2003 - 15:37
(Agree/Disagree?)
All I can say is that was sau lustig!
(reply to this comment)
| from thepersoniamnow
Tuesday, December 03, 2002 - 14:14
(Agree/Disagree?)
Fantsatic article.I wish Jim Carrey could narrate it.
nice work man!
(reply to this comment)
| from Hanna_Black
Monday, November 25, 2002 - 14:41
(Agree/Disagree?)
Hee hee, that is hilarious. Like the "waschlappen" stuff! Heil Vandari!
(reply to this comment)
| from AGV
Monday, November 25, 2002 - 10:17
(Agree/Disagree?)
Go fuck yourselves off!
All of you deluded and bitter motherfuckers!
Heil!
And I'm talking to you ex-mem
not the Family.
(reply to this comment)
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | from Girl in the Hood
Saturday, October 19, 2002 - 22:35
(Agree/Disagree?)
Hey fellow Vandari, did you ever wonder what Little red Riding Hood, that not-quite-obedient, negative and skeptical ("why are your teeth so sharp?") child looked like seen through the eyes of the Spirit?
Well I was asking the Gourd who my spirit helper was, and I had this vision. It was revealed to me that the system has distorted the tale of little red riding hood. She was actually sent to Grandpa's (not Grandma's) house for some training. As she was highly sensitive in the spirit, when she got there to where he was waiting for her in bed, she had a revelation that he was a big salivating wolf waiting in the bed for her. But she had doubts, and started asking the questions she has since become so well known for.
This was unacceptable, so Grandpa/the wolf called upon Uncle Petie to give hear a hard spanking with the handle of his wood chopping axe. Whereupon other prophets in the household saw visions of blood dripping all over her, and that her red riding hood was red because of the blood.
Anyway, the Gourd showed me that she is one of the forerunners of the Vandari and counsels all questioning children rescued from the belly of the wolf.
She also inspired an online clothing store in L.A. to sell their "Diablo hoodie," basically a foreshadowing of Vandari hoodies to come. Since she did not have the whole truth at the time, theis hoodie does not bear your Vandari name, but it does have some neat red horns on the hood!
I might wear one for halloween if the Vandari line has not premiered yet:
http://www.gfla.com/Catalog/outfit.aspx?j~&&pd=0508&cr=0&sm=
(reply to this comment)
| | | |  From Granite
Friday, January 17, 2003, 12:51
(Agree/Disagree?)
Talk about mindless! I thought you folks were all into being self thinkers and free people?!
I'm not in the Family any more but you people are throwing the baby out with the bath water.
What kind of logic is that? It's totally uneducated to be against something only because your enemy is for it.
I think some of you ought to wake up and realize that your so called freedom and open mindedness has really closed you off to sensible reality.
Are you in a persute of truth and freedom or just mindless revenge?
If you really think you're right about what you believe then you need to start thinking with a little more sense and embrasing thoughts and ideas other then your own, just like you feel the Family should do. Two wrongs don't make a right.(reply to this comment) |
| | From Cultinvator
Monday, March 24, 2003, 14:38
(Agree/Disagree?)
The truth is evil and you know it! We like to fuck with you because we've learned so well on how to fuck from your positive fucking reinforcement. We like to eat the baby with the baby basket because we're free thinkers, and what the hell is sensible reality? Every freedom has a burden and we just decided to take the freedom to the next level in making revenge a comedy artform. Keep up the apologies, you bring in the contrast on idiots to pick on. What's mindless about revenge...? And embrasssssing thoughts other than our own includes a lot of fucking thoughts, including perhaps those outside your idea of "Sense" And to wrongs don't make one right it makes two wrongs, but who wants to be right? Leave that to the republicans... (reply to this comment) |
| | From PompousJohn
Friday, January 17, 2003, 15:32
(Agree/Disagree?)
So many of your assumptions are wrong I’ll take the time to address them one by one.
I don't know who told you we were into being "self thinkers and free people" but I certainly hope their vocabulary has improved since.
Actually most of us are pissed off that we were lied to all of our lives, and miss few chances to ridicule our former oppressors, and those who forced their willful ignorance on us when we were to young to resist them properly.
You ask if I am in a "persute of truth and freedom" (it's "pursuit" BTW) I say no, I don't pursue what I already have, do you? And as to my revenge, please don't call it mindless, it gets offended when you call it that.
Do we think we are right about what we believe? Well if we thought we were wrong, we would believe something else, or nothing at all, wouldn't we?
As far as embracing things that are not mine, no, thank you for the offer though. And I don't think the family should "do" anything; I think they should do NOTHING. STOP. CEASE.
I seem to recall Berg taking a lot of time praising the Japanese "superior" manners and civilization, I think a nosedive from a tall building or self evisceration would be called for by Japanese etiquette in a situation where someone shamed themselves and their family as badly as they have.
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| | | | | | | | | | | From conan
Monday, March 24, 2003, 11:25
 (Agree/Disagree?)
Talk about a narrow-minded fuck! Granite, you're fucking stupid. Get a life. If we x-ers wanna bitch and rant and rave...that's our right as free-thinkers. Oh wait. We don't do that; am I right? The purpose of this web-site is so we "close minded fucks" can get the shit off of our chests that ate away at us the whole time we were 'doubting' the Gourd's cum or whatever the fuck it was we were drinking or reading or imbibing. Pretty much, just fuck off. (reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | from EyesWideShut
Saturday, October 19, 2002 - 01:05
(Agree/Disagree?)
Now there's some funny shit. The last line just sums it all up. "Monkeys" was good too. Vell, ze whole ting vas goot.
(reply to this comment)
| | | | from faeriraven
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 17:25
(Agree/Disagree?)
JW, that was just f*****g brilliant! Don't think I've laughed that hard all week...made my day...
(reply to this comment)
| from surf
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 16:14
(Agree/Disagree?)
Could you elaborate a little more on the "pulsating throb in the solar plexus". I haven't heard that yet and I am curious to know what Zerby is coming up with now.
(reply to this comment)
| From JohnnieWalker
Saturday, October 19, 2002, 08:09
(Agree/Disagree?)
Excerpt from the GN "How to Love Me More, Part 3 -- Answers from our Lover concerning
the Loving Jesus revelation"
Maria #526, CM 3284, 12/99
Mama's waving experience
68. (Mama:) Not long after the Lord had given us the Loving Jesus revelation, I began having an unusual physical manifestation while saying love words to Jesus and making love with Him in the spirit. It was an involuntary jerking of my body, in my solar plexus region, similar to the movements of a woman's body when a man is fucking her hard. Peter also had the same experience. I asked the Lord about it and what it meant, and He gave the following answer:
69. (Jesus speaking:) I am really there fucking you, and I really do fill your body with My penis and My seeds. I let you experience this and I have manifested Myself to you in this physical reaction that you've felt in your body.
70. I let you feel, see, and experience this waving or undulating or pulsating--the movement that you've felt deep down in your solar plexus, that you could actually visibly see in your body moving just as it does when a man fucks a woman real hard--as a touch of My love to you. This manifests to you physically that I'm really there fucking you and filling you with My seeds.
71. It's a touch of My love to you for loving Me intimately, for obeying and coming when I call, for making love to Me and fucking Me, for opening your heart and your pussy to Me, and letting Me enter into you. The seeds which I pump into you are being manifested not only in spiritual ways through giving you more understanding of My ways and My Spirit, through giving you more wisdom and knowledge and love and peace and all those beautiful fruits of My Spirit, but they're also being manifested in you physically. They make your body pulsate and undulate and experience the thrills of spiritual and physical orgasm. They unite you with My heart and My Spirit, they unite you and your partner with Me, and the result is a beautiful spiritual connection.
72. It is not reserved for you only, My queen. It is not reserved just for you or the king, but it is available to anyone who has the faith to reach out and receive it. Anyone who has the faith or who wants it can ask Me for it. Just like your Father David explained to you that if you wanted to fuck him in the spirit, you could call on him and he would fuck you. Just like I can make love to you and you can experience those physical and spiritual thrills, so can I make love to any one of My children who reaches out and receives by faith.
73. So tell them about your experiences with Me so that they can have it too, so that they will know that it is reality. It's not just a spiritual experience. I can be everywhere and anywhere. I can become real to them, and My seeds are real. (End of message from Jesus.)
74. (Mama:) Isn't that fascinating? The Lord can actually manifest Himself physically while you're loving Him, if you have the faith for it and want to experience it. Of course, like the Apostle Paul said in 1Cor.12, we all get the Spirit when we ask for it, but sometimes we get varying gifts or manifestations of it. So if you don't receive this one particular gift or manifestation, there's no need to feel bad. The Lord has probably given you another one to make up for it, or will in the future. And the most important thing is still to love Him, whether He gives us gifts or signs or not!
(end of excerpt)
(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | From Cultinvator
Monday, March 24, 2003, 14:50
(Agree/Disagree?)
We are not a group of ex-members out of choice sweetie, we can't de-exmember ourselves... K, love? Be pretty much ready to hear every fucking word in the dic and out of the dick, and from all kinds of places. If you don't like it then don't lick it? We're here just cause we can. And if we're trailer parked then let's make it a trailer 4 southpark!
Our version at least. Who the fuck gives a damn about what amazes your embarassment or what the hell you want to call yourself. Flabergassss away! Login in makes you part of it Hiposhit-crit-lick-my-dick! (reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | From Granite
Friday, January 17, 2003, 12:58
(Agree/Disagree?)
Just so you know, these "excerpts" from the GN's that are posted on this sight are mostly fabricated bull.
I left just recently and I know what's been coming out, and whoever's posting this stuff is full of shit.
Really, what is the point??? What does it do for you to put down someone elses life style and choice? People in the Family are there because they choose to be, just as you are where you choose to be. Why can't you just live and let live? (reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | | | | From SaraMarie
Tuesday, December 03, 2002, 13:47
(Agree/Disagree?)
I guess i just thought that we left to get away from her crap. but Zerby is really comming out with some serious crap. why r we still reading it? the only explanation i can think of is that were so brainwashed with this crap that even after we've left we can't let go. Wouldn't a part of "moving on" be not "entertaining the davel" (zerby) and to stop reading this crap? but who am i to speak? i also read whatever i can.(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | from jpmagero
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 15:33
(Agree/Disagree?)
Sometimes mocking something is the best was to show how totally stupid something is. Prophecy, fucking Jesus, seeds and shit, I mean, how dumb are these sheep anyways.
(reply to this comment)
| from jpmagero
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 15:30
(Agree/Disagree?)
Too good.
(reply to this comment)
| from JoeH
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 15:27
(Agree/Disagree?)
brilliant!
(reply to this comment)
| from monger
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 14:46
(Agree/Disagree?)
You're a mad genious, JohnnieWalker!!!!! But all credit to where it's due... Heil Adolf & Ivan!
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