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Getting On : Party On
Optimistic/Pessimist | from fragiletiger - Sunday, September 09, 2007
accessed 607 times I looked myself up in the ‘Web Site User Directory’ today, I read my old articles and the comment’s people made, I saw the amazing changes that had happened within me and others, I saw the screen names that have no become friends. I laughed at how a randomly chosen occupation, caused so many furores, and cringed at the spelling and complete lack of grammar. I had left the Family very recently when I first came on here and I came to this board very filled with my own rightness, an attitude I’ve seen on many other new arrivals. I will always owe vixen for the advice she gave me to wait a few years and see if my opinions changed, and they have! Though some remain the same, I still think James Penn and Eva St John, are FGA’s who joined ,participated whole heartedly, and then came out crying ‘its not my fault, they made me do it’.
I still can’t spell, but now I try, I take the time to go back and correct words to the best of my ability, and I am no longer content to just accept my inability to punctuate correctly. Though I still think Joey had a point when he said that we sometimes seem to forget that none of us had any schooling, and we need to allow everyone access to this safe place without being intimidated.
My beliefs have journeyed from believing I was a sinner who had stepped out of the circle of God’s will, and that I was swimming in the sewer with the bitter apostates, who spewed lies; to relying on the inner secrets expressed here to allow me to acknowledge my own.
I hide behind other’s words because I have none of my own, I don’t know what to say or what there is to say or how you would even begin to say it. Over the last 4 years I have had to come to the realisations of exactly what happened to me. Accepting that I was abused was the hardest thing, because once I did that, where did I go from there?
Who did I blame? Who should I be angry at?
I looked at my parent’s, my father is a space cadit, who honestly believes in the family, if he left now and acknowledged what happened, it would break him, and then he would just be a miserable old man. To the best of my knowledge, and believe me I looked, he was never directly involved in any abuse. I’m not saying that he’s not guilty, he was a part of the family and he shares responsibility.
My mother, she was 17 when she joined, she came from a childhood of abuse, and sought only to create a safe place for her children. Last year she renounced the Family and now lives in deep denial, unable to accept what happened to us. While responsible she too is a victim.
I look at my siblings and the marks our upbringing has left on them the influences it has had on the paths they’ve followed. I try to come to some sort of working arrangement with things that are un…. Un what? Un-liveable? I’m still alive. Un-survivable? I’ve survived. Un-imaginable? They happened.
I live with an uneasy truce inside myself, able to accept contradicting opinions thoughts and emotions. I don’t know exactly what my point is or if I have one, perhaps I just want to say that I am ‘moving on’ quite nicely, and this site has been a essential part of that. So thank you, I think…then again the family could right and we all could be going to hell, in which case I’ll bring the Bacardi, and see you all there! Party On Vandari! |
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from madly
Tuesday, September 11, 2007 - 16:25
(Agree/Disagree?)
Frag, I had this crazy vivid dream where I was with you and I kept telling you “There has to be more than living in the middle” (Yes, I am worried that I am having dreams about people from MO ;)). We were having some serious conversation and that is all I could seem to say. Anyway, when I woke up, I remembered this old song with a similar line in it. So here it is for you.
I have always liked the lyrics of this song and I do want to believe that there is more than sitting on a wall, not having an opinion that is mine alone, in the middle of what I feel will, and won’t, satisfy my longing.
“So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees
I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge
Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight”
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CLqOwiZ8n5I
(reply to this comment)
| | | | from rainy
Tuesday, September 11, 2007 - 03:11
(Agree/Disagree?)
ditto from me little sis. And I'm very proud of you.
(reply to this comment)
| from fragiletiger
Monday, September 10, 2007 - 15:29
(Agree/Disagree?)
One day, I will learn, how to use commas.
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|  From v
Tuesday, September 11, 2007, 01:30
(Agree/Disagree?)
Pffft who cares about the commas (or lack thereof), I liked what you said. A lot. I think I can relate to where you're at and the peace you've made with your past and your present. An uneasy truce, what a *great* way of putting it.
It's interesting to me, always, how perfectly the name for this site, 'Moving On', fits our selves. I don't believe that moving on should be looked at as a linear progression, working through obstacles that never have to be tackled again. Much more realistic (and beneficial in the long run, I think) to find a sense of acceptance of oneself and one's particular set of challenges and as a result become able to embrace life as it is, rather than pining for how it might have been.
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| | From Boss Lady
Tuesday, September 11, 2007, 15:29
(Agree/Disagree?)
for a few years there were a lot of young people who had just left the group, posting on this site. the anger, frustration, confusion, sadness and pessimism were very apparent. growth and restructuring (or constructing from scratch for us) of life takes time. i also enjoyed what you wrote because it speaks of the process. you seem to be very articulate. soul healing takes focus and a desire to grow away from negative attachments. congratulations on yours!
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