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Getting On : Lovers
Have you ever felt this way? | from Nefarious Nosferatu and the Mystic Mefist - Saturday, December 08, 2007
accessed 680 times Manic depression Self hate Alcohol intake Self loathing Death Pain Void Alone I’m a little depressed today. Never thought I’d be one to say this kind of thing, or think these kinds of thoughts, but murder suicide is all I dream about these days. I suppose I should be happy to be seeing such dreams. At least it means I got some sleep. I just hope I didn’t fall asleep when Kay was awake. Well, I’ll call her Kay for now.
Kay is my girlfriend of a meager 102 days. We live together in a studio flat. Contract expires in three days then we’ll be moving into our new three bedroom flat. Well, that was the plan. Spent 6,000 bucks on that. Signed the contract too.
Kay’s been diagnosed with level seven Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome. Apparently, the Post-viral CFS was triggered by Human Herpes Virus of the 6th kind. Um, no, it’s not the common STD. To understand what this means to her, you have to know Kay. The Kay I met and fell in love with.
Kay was a dance instructor, underground dance competitor, part-time stripper, and fitness instructor. She loved to move her body. Honestly, she couldn’t keep still. She had to move. I saw her strip, and I saw her teach, and I saw her dance. She was happiest when she put on her Puma sneakers and sweats, and battled it out on that floor. And my God was she beautiful. She knew it. She was a fulfilled active confident beautiful person. She had a rough childhood. She was bulimic and insomniac, yet overcame that, and had gained a healthy body. Her joy was dancing and expressing her joy through the beautiful body she fought to earn. Her joy was teaching others how to gain a healthy body. Her joy was to help people who stood where she’d been. Her joy was interacting with people.
Then she met me. A depressed insomniac who’d lost his confidence and health. A guy who appeared handsome, attractive, and confident to the point of narcissism, yet never opened his heart to anybody. And she fell for the mystery man. The man didn’t want any of that. He had sex with her on the first date then refused to give her his number. But she persisted. God, she persisted. He told her about his life, and she made every effort to understand that. She saw through his defenses and before long, his heart stood in her hands, naked.
Now Kay can barely move. She’s depressed that she can’t do what she loves. The insomnia is back, the bulimia is knocking at the door, and alcohol’s her new best friend. She’s got an outbreak of viral sores on her forehead. She’s gaining weight because she can’t exercise. The fatigue reduces her sexual appetite, and sex is too strenuous an activity for her. She feels she’s becoming less desirable. She feels her confidence, health, beauty, sex appeal, dance skills, cheerful attitude, all, slipping though her fingers. Everything she worked so hard for. And she can’t do anything about it, or so she feels. She’s asked me to let her prostitute herself so she can keep paying her half of the bills with minimal physical stress. She doesn’t want to be a burden. She constantly tells me she’d rather die than be unable to move. She’s recently asked me for drugs. (Kay has never tried any drug, including pot. She actually killed my pot and opium addiction, and I’m now clean)
Kay fell asleep now. She’s sleeping with the face of an angel. A few hours ago, she was crying and telling me I should move on. She was too much of a burden on me, and I wasn’t ready to support her. She was telling me life goes on, and even if she dies, she wants me to move on. I sat crying myself vic falls. I cried like a baby for hours. The tears just wouldn’t stop.
I’ve been a resident of this planet for 25 years. I’ve never loved like Kay’s taught me to love. I’ve never been loved the way Kay’s loved me. When I slept next to Kay, I slept like a baby. My insomnia just disappeared. I thought life was going to be so, so good.
I can normally detach myself from feelings. One moment I’m burning with emotion, then the next I realize how ridiculous I’m being. Not today. Today I can’t. Something’s broken somewhere, and I don’t know how to fix it. So I’m writing it down, just to get it off of my chest. Excuse me if it’s gibberish. I’m not exactly thinking too much. I don’t know what I can do, to help her feel fulfilled. I don’t know what I can do, to make her feel like getting better. I don’t know how long I can maintain this life for two. I have to work twice as much, when I want to be with her twice as much. Have I been cursed for life? Is happiness something that just won’t ever come my way? Why? I used to be much tougher than this. Now I’m scared. I’m scared Kay’s going to die emotionally. I’m scared I’ll default over the year-end since I spent so much time with her recently. I’m scared Kay’s going to sneak away and get out of touch so I won’t see her in her “ugly state I’m in”. And I’m still crying like a pregnant woman. Cause I don’t know how I can save her. Cause I feel helpless and useless. I’m crying cause I’m an insecure wuss I know. I’m crying cause I just don’t know what to do. Aw fuck. So unlike me.
Has anyone fought CFS? How does one support someone with CFS? Any advice would be appreciated.
> > To update, Kay left. She took her second cell-phone, minimal cash, her medicines, and a stuffed animal. She was crying while talking with a friend on the phone then abruptly started blaming me for all her troubles. I felt she wanted to get me to dump her. I was my stubborn self. She said she needed some space and went on a walk. Since she left her ID and stuff, I didn’t figure she wasn’t planning on coming back. I’ll try and maintain this flat as long as I can. Maybe, maybe she’ll come home.
Tomorrow is another day. Will I still love tomorrow the way I loved yesterday?
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from madly
Saturday, December 08, 2007 - 14:37
(Agree/Disagree?)
I want to comment, but not sure what to say right now... so sad. I will add something later. I don't even know why I am writing this now, but just wanted you to know that I feel for you. :(
(reply to this comment)
|  From madly
Saturday, December 08, 2007, 17:29
 (Agree/Disagree?)
Life is so sad. To find love once, when you never believed you would, and then have to watch it walk away... what is that?
I do understand how she may feel. She might hate herself and you cannot accept love from anyone when you hate yourself, it just doesn't work. As cliché as it is, the common saying that you have to love yourself in order to love someone else is very true; however, I think the real issue is that you have to love yourself before you can believe someone can love you. I think in order to believe that someone loves you; you have to be willing to believe you are worth their love in order to be able to trust it.
I have never been able to love and maybe it is partly because I honestly don’t feel deserving and I don’t know how to trust or return such a feeling. For me, someone loving me is being given a gift that comes with the guilt of knowing it can never be reciprocated. With their gift I can’t help but feeling I am being left with an unpaid debt and who wants to owe something that can never be paid back?
I am getting off the subject and I know I am not being any help, but I hope she comes back and she can learn to trust that you will love her no matter how she is. Again, the real issue isn’t you, it is hers to deal with and as much as she may want to change, she can only see the world and herself through the eyes she was given.
We create the world that we see. A world that is ours alone; be it true or completely false, it doesn’t matter, because it is what we know and believe and no matter how much someone tries to show us their world, we can only be left in ours. It would be nice to be able to cross over from time to time, as I bet there are some beautiful worlds out there, seen through some beautiful eyes. With different eyes my blue could turn to green and maybe I could love myself enough to let someone love me too.
(reply to this comment) |
| | From Nefarious Nosferatu and the Mystic Mefist
Saturday, December 08, 2007, 22:29
(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you Madly,
Now, I realise something so obvious yet so new to me. I realise I still had that "they can't understand me" mentality about those who didn't experience life as I did. What was so new to me was realising I was the one who really couldn't relate and understand their lives, their pains, worries, sorrows.
Up until breaking up, she never berated me for using my cult baby crutch when I was down. She called me today from an unidentifiable number, and told me everything I knew and didn't accept. I had a bad childhood yes. But I can move. I can improve my life. I have possibilities, potential, and opportunities.
My ingrown complex didn't compare to her woes. She had a painful childhood too. She suffered abuse too. She doesn't speak her native tongue either. She overcame all of that, and made a life for herself. Then lost the ability to maintain that. She lost everything through no fault of her own, and even as she did, she tried to reach out to me. She loved me, and expected nothing in return. She loved me first. I loved her with the condition that she love me. I trusted her on the condition that she trust me. I was scared to put out more than I received. And I never realized how paper-thin my love was until I truly fell in love with her. When I realized her pain. When I realized the strain loving me and trying to live up to my expectations had on her. I didn't believe in unconditional love, but that's what she had been giving me all along. She left for more reasons than one. She left because I was immature and couldn't accomodate her needs when she needed me so much. She left because she lost the ability to support me in the way she felt I needed and deserved to be supported. She left, because she loved me. She left because she didn't want to stop loving me.
I'm still crying because it's too hard to let her go. I'm crying cause I know there are ways to pull her back, if that's all I wanted to do, but I know that if I love her, I need to let her go. I need to love her unconditionally, the way she loved me. My heart is letting her go while still preparing for her return. My demons are wailing in fear, anger, sorrow, resentment. There's Mr. Me wanting to do everything to keep her there, for mine own benefit. And there's my newly found emotions saying it's okay, time will tell and true love is never wasted. I know love doesn't have to last forever to be true, but it's so hard and scary to lose it after waiting my whole life to find it.(reply to this comment) |
| | From madly
Sunday, December 09, 2007, 01:34
(Agree/Disagree?)
I can’t help but feeling that most of us, ("most" meaning: "not all", so don’t jump on me if you are one of the “not all”) are a bunch of underdeveloped children playing house. We were never taught so many important things about life, how to think for ourselves and feel confident in our choices. Our parents made us look at love as if it were a suspect and now we question the motive behind what others deem an innocent beautiful emotion. For us it can never be quite that simple; even though, we need love more than we will ever admit to.
We go through life trying to put on a brave face and be strong, because if we are anything, we ARE strong, but underneath our front, looking through the helmet, is a frightened child. We are like children scared to live in a world with out the protection and constant coverage of full armor.
We feel like victims and we look at the world as such. We have become narcissistic in so many ways and our conversations tend to revolve around ourselves, as well as our thoughts. Even when we don’t share the true details of our lives, we can’t help but want people to know we are different, even though we can’t stand to be so.
We are special, but only to ourselves and forget that others have had their share of heartaches and can in so many ways relate and even understand, but we can never believe or trust enough to give them a chance.
We are selfish, because we have had to share everything and now we want it all and we demand to have it now. We are impatient because we have had to wait for what seemed like an eternity for our lives to start and now we are in such a hurry to live that we don’t have time to enjoy the lives we have been given. We hate fake people, yet we fear ourselves to be the real actors with masks put on but never quite suited to the part we try to play.
We lost our religion, we lost our family and on top of it, we have had to discover ourselves. We are now frantically trying to establish some sense of being, some sense of home and any form of peace we can find. Some of us become bitter, some depressed, some give up, some pretend it never happened and others struggle to overcome and move on.
We can get through anything and we know it, yet we wonder for what purpose our strength holds and what good it does to be strong in a world that is constantly trying to make us weak. What would happen if we were to break? If we were to cry and admit that we don’t understand this life, that we never have and fear the most that we never will. What if we decide we don’t care to be strong anymore, would it kill us? If we let our guard down would it break us, or, if we let someone in to love us would it help us learn to be the person we never were allowed to become?
Are we the cause of our conflicted life and do we continually keep ourselves from what we deserve to have… love, peace and happiness? Can we ever overcome and can we ever really see anything and anyone other than ourselves? Can we learn about others when we are so busy trying to find out who we are? Can we let someone love us, because we know that we need their love more than we need the air we breathe? Can we (is it possible to) ever do anything other than try to make up for our lost childhoods?(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | From thought at midnight
Monday, December 10, 2007, 17:19
(Agree/Disagree?)
insanity, i mean madly wonderful you! You have once again described so many things (we) feel at once it is almost unfair to to post here. I want and need to believe we are special and yes we live in conflict but we have also moved forward in so many ways and we can overcome the feeling of being special and unique. Despite of all, loosing our families and our "most trusted auntes and uncles" we have become so much stronger in the long run. Our lives have devolped to be so much more then we ever thought they could be. We have all chosen our wonderful paths and for alone that desicion it has helped us become the stronger beings that can overcome just about any sorrow. This strength we have gained makes us the stronger ones in life. I respect you all for this and so very much more. Dont ever forget where you come from and where we are going. Lets stop making up for our lost childhoods. - we suffer enough without being proud.
- midnight rants(reply to this comment) |
| | From figaro
Saturday, December 08, 2007, 23:02
(Agree/Disagree?)
"She left, because she loved me. She left because she didn't want to stop loving me.
I'm still crying because it's too hard to let her go. I'm crying cause I know there are ways to pull her back, if that's all I wanted to do, but I know that if I love her, I need to let her go"
I understand how hard that is. I loved someone more then I ever thought possible, 9 years after last seeing her I still dream of returning to Phoenix and I wake up crying because in my dream I search and search but I can not find her. I left her and never even said goodbye because I loved her too much to ruin her life any more. In my eyes, that is about on the same level as laying down your life to save a loved one, because you want to die it hurts so much. I wish I could tell you how to make it not hurt, but there is no way, nothing can stop that pain. The only comfort you can have is knowing that their life will be better this way, but its not that much comfort. I applaud you in your strength to do what I know is so so very hard. You are stronger then you give yourself credit for.
As bad as it is right now, the only thing that you can really do is learn from it, if you don't learn from it you do yourself, and her, a great injustice! If you learn and become a better person for it then it wasn't all in vain, if you don't then it was. I wish you the best of luck. You can do it, I did, and if I could then anyone can.(reply to this comment) |
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