Hitler On Victories and Battles

from JohnnieWalker - Monday, October 11, 2004
accessed 1730 times

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My dear fellow sex slaves in the Lord,

First, I must apologize for the long period of silence since my last letter to you. I have spent the last 2 weeks on a thrilling faith trip to the needy mission field of the Cayman Islands. Our hard and horny Husband provided for us and performed so many miracles and magic tricks.

He opened many doors for us, too. On one occasion, the sliding doors of a local supermarket miraculously opened all by themselves! I took this as a sign from the Lord that I should witness to the old man who bagged my groceries. After witnessing to him for two hours, the Lord punched through in the spirit and the old man, with tears in his eyes, looked at me and asked: “Paper or plastic, sir?”

The Lord also inspired us to do a Holy Ghost Sample at a local school. Since we had no guitar we had to improvise using a couple of spoons, a branding iron, and a full set of uncut fingernails against a blackboard. We taught all 52 children to sing and do the motions to “Daddy, Please Come Home” and “Today My Daddy Spanked Me”. We all laughed as they did the motions to the lyrics, “…and even though my bottom hurts…”

That evening we didn’t have a place to stay for the night, but the Lord led us to a kind old bum on a park bench. After witnessing non-stop for 4 hours to this receptive man, he confided in us that he was actually the owner of the five-star hotel across the street. Our hearts leapt with joy as he slowly got up and generously offered us the use of the park bench for the night.

As the 5 of us huddled together on the small bench, we expressed our deepest gratitude by waving, blowing kisses, and saying “I love you” to the man in sign language as he took off his bum clothes and walked into the hotel.

The Lord took such good care of us. Just like He promised in II Fallopians R2:D2, “My God shall supply all your needs if ye shall supply His needs for a blow job.” PYL! Our Sexy Sugar Daddy is the best, isn’t He?

In the end, our faith trip was an enormous success. We distributed over 2 million posters (although we discovered later that, due to a printing error, the heavenly picture on the front as well as the text on the reverse side were both missing.) and got 503,423 people to repeat the salvation prayer with us in Cantonese (even though they only spoke English). It’s simply amazing what the Lord can accomplish on a tiny island with a total population of 30,000.

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On a more serious matter, I feel I should disclose to you, my faithful followers, the attacks of the enemy that have taken place recently.

It all began one night when I lay quietly on the bed, listening to Windy In The Shutters singing on the “Sweet Dreams Tonight” tape. Suddenly, I heard a loud rip that sounded like a sharp knife was cutting the mosquito screen on my bedroom window. I jumped to my feet and thought, “Oh no! Here comes one of those bears”, and began singing “Send the Light” at the top of my lungs while doing a Jericho March around the house.

I don’t remember much of what happened next, but when I woke up, I found myself lying on the horn of my car, with half of my hair cut off and a large stone (which I assume had been dropped on me and had hit me in the stomach) lying next to me. Immediately, I knew who was responsible for this. It was Tom the Gangster and his Terrible Gang of Merry Men.

I stood up slowly and made my way towards the house. It was a miracle that I woke up when I did, because the gangsters had cleverly left a box of groceries sitting on top of the hot stove and the house had already filled with smoke.

Thankfully, my Uncle Mark rushed to the scene with a bucket of water and proceeded to douse me with it. I watched my house burn to the ground as I stood there drip-drying.

As the last of the flames went out, I pocketed a handful of ashes (You never know when you’ll be standing in front of the White House in sackcloth and desperately need some ashes. As I always say, “It’s better to have it and not need it than to need to have to knead it and not have half the need to half it.”) I dropped to my knees and cried bitterly. All my belongings--including all of my mistakes--were lost in the fire. But there, in my darkest hour, when I couldn’t see the light at the end of my rope, I heard Hitler’s voice comforting me.

(Hitler speaking:) Don’t vury, mein son. I vill explain all of zis to you so you may see vat ze plans of ze enemy are und how to oferkom zem.

Ze attack on you vas instigated by Queen Maria und Princess Peter (he vas recently demoted to “Princess Status” because he did not submit to Berg’s fetishes und he let ze pum beard on his spiritual vagina grow out too long). Zey will stop at nozing to qvench ze forces of ze Vandari.

Und now, mein tschildrens, I vill let you in on a little secret. Take ze name Maria und reverse it: airaM. Now take se first part of zis name. As you all know, A.I. ist ze abbreviation for ‘Artificial Incompetence’ und RAM ist for electronik memory. You see, mein tschildrens? David Berg vas not so far from se truz ven he called Zerby ein robot.

Und now, take a look at ze name ‘Peter’…. Enuf said.

So, you see, mein shpessel und chosen Vandari, you haf nozing to fear. Your opponents are nozing more zan a mashine und ein male reproductive organ. Put zem togezer, und it vill reveal vat kind of enemy you are up against: ein Dildo.

Heil!
(End of message from Hitler)

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Challenging Thought: How could Aphrodite (a mythical goddess) and Don Quixote (a fictional character) be Zerby and Berg’s spirit helpers if they were never alive?

God’s mind on the matter:
[We’re sorry, but God’s mind is temporarily out of order. You will now be transferred to a T-MO-bile connection.]