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Getting Out : Inside Out
Shanda miranda, honda ponda! | from John David - Wednesday, February 04, 2004
accessed 1885 times Please stop talking like a rabid monkey, you're scaring the children. I realize speaking in "tongues" is not at all a mere "The Family" pasttime, but they sure the hell liked to drag it out for a hell of a long time. Post "The Family", I’d seen it happen in churches and they were much more reserved about it, I noticed. And this is really how it should be. Nobody should go on like a mad man for ten minutes with that gibberish. It’s fucking creepy, okay.
Now, apparently the whole concept entails channeling the voodoo of the Lord, or something like that. People tend to feel like they're special when it happens. During devotions it seemed like everyone was trying to out-do each other and get really into "talking in tongues". But as I remember in the bible, the "holy spirit" caused people to talk in "tongues" so they could go out and preach the "word of god" to people who SPOKE IN DIFFERENT TONGUES THAN THEM. So why were these whackaloons all speaking in the same "HONDA Honda honda honda" drone?
I came up with an answer to that question too: THEY WERE FUCKING STUPID. That’s right, it came to me in a great vision from God. God came down in shining lights with angels and swords and horses and told me: "JOHN, THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID. SO STUPID THAT, IF THEY WERE ON THE PLANET 'STUPID' THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN KICKED OUT LONG AGO FOR BEING TOO STUPID." When I think about it, it might not have been God who told me that. It might have simply been sane rational thinking. I can't tell though as I am not a psychologist nor "prophet of the end-time". I think I’ll go with sane rational thinking though.
As a kid listening to their monotonous babbling in "tongues", I couldn't help but want to crack up and laugh out loud. Sitting around during "devotions" and listening to 30+ people go off into a psychotic world of chanting was completely humorous to a young lad like myself. I had to stifle laughter almost every time. And when I did let a chuckle out audibly, I saw my future of a beating in the eyes of whichever adult might have seen me do it as well as them adding in a "I rebuke you Satan blah blah blah" into their chant. So I got to get "spanked" for laughing at a bunch of idiots doing idiotic things. That really burned my ass. I guess they had to impose punishment as to keep normal sane people from anointing their heads with a sharpie marker in the form of "D U M B A S S" right across their forehead.
It was all fun and games and beatings until I was the center of the "tongues" projection. Every goddamn time I was sick, a few crazies would get together, put oil on me and start up the chanting. LISTEN GUYS, I JUST HAVE A COLD! PLEASE BRING ME SOME SIMPLE MEDICINE AND WE CAN ALL MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES! THERE AREN'T DEMONS INSIDE ME! AND STOP PUTTING OIL ON ME, ASSHOLES! YOU THINK THAT SHIT COMES OFF EASY!?
Apparently they didn't believe in medicine because they always opted for the cheaper method of healing: CREEPING OUT THE PATIENT WHILE CLOGGING THEIR PORES WITH OIL. In bible times they used different medicinal oils when "anointing" heads. Why? Because THEY DIDN'T HAVE MODERN MEDICINE! It’s time to move on people. It’s time to start buying some Dayquil and realize God gave us brains for a good reason: TO MAKE MEDICINE AND TO REALIZE WHEN IT WAS TIME TO TAKE SAID MEDICINE! We aren't in bible times anymore, hippies. Snap the fuck out of it!
So now that I think about it, there were a lot of routines "the family" abided by simply because they were in the bible. You know what traditions are good to keep though: LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF AND DON'T BEAT/SEXUALLY ABUSE THEM. Not chanting in "tongues" and not putting oil on people's heads, you idiots. It doesn't seem that complex when I think about it. Why exactly was it so hard for those people to grasp?
Oh, that's right, THEY WERE FUCKING STUPID, SAITH THE LORD AND/OR LOGIC. |
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from catuireal
Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 09:07
(Agree/Disagree?)
Good humour!!! Read more comments below for a couple more laughs!!!!
(reply to this comment)
| from shaun
Thursday, October 27, 2005 - 02:45
 (Agree/Disagree?)
Yep, it's better to hear a sane word, a sensible, a plausible word, to someone with faith they know they are speaking stuff they don't understand and they believe it's their 'heart' praying to the big spirit in the sky. Ultimately, though it was confusing, if their hearts intent was good for you, you gotta appreciate their care.. that's if they don't judge you in the process?
Theres that verse about if they do miracles but have not love.. they're just like a clanging empty vessel or something.
It wasn't their 'tongue spaeking' that was the problem but rather the love they showed you.
(reply to this comment)
| from moon beam
Friday, March 26, 2004 - 09:10
 (Agree/Disagree?)
Good stuff, Here's one of my "favorite's"..
Harbbada sheeb-bada;
harbbada sheeb-bada;(sniff)
harbbada seeb-bada;(sob)
harrrrrbada seeeeb-bada; (breaking out in sweat)
(big gulp of breath) Habbada seeb-bada...........................
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| from cheeks
Monday, February 09, 2004 - 16:10
(Agree/Disagree?)
Once in our home someone recieved a prophecy from Peter Pan. Those of us who were sane at the time died of laughter and had to be excused. Of course this was followed by respect the voice of the lord and what have you. Needless to say it fell on deaf ears.
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| | | | | | | from cholo
Monday, February 09, 2004 - 15:48
(Agree/Disagree?)
is this JD???
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| | | | | | | | | | from exister
Monday, February 09, 2004 - 10:44
(Agree/Disagree?)
SACALABASURA!
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| | | | | | | | | | from Nancy
Monday, February 09, 2004 - 09:56
(Agree/Disagree?)
Another damn fine article, John! From where does this brilliance spring?
Those pinheads with their voodoo chanting should have been ticketed for speaking while dumbass, similar to the charge of driving while dumbass, which I think at least some of them should have been ticketed for as well.
We need an article on how long it took those cult morons to do anything, e.g. go to the store, pick up the mail, read something, clean something, etc. There had to be years of friggin' prayer for god knows what. Before anyone went anywhere, there had to be years of summits on who was going. Then the car had to be rehauled, the oil changed, the transmission overhauled and then jump started. It took an entire day to do what I can do in ten minutes. No wonder those cult morons don't work for a living. There's no time!
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|  From John David
Monday, February 09, 2004, 12:47
(Agree/Disagree?)
i'm picturing a police officer standing over mother point at a yellow sign that has "dumbass" with a little red circle and slash across it and the following conversation ensuing:
officer: ma'am you were doing over the limit of dumbass
mom: oh, god bless you. i'm so sorry
officer: sorry, ma'am.. i'm afraid i'm going to have to charge you with dumbass, book you and take you down to the station.
mom: we're christian missionaries who work for god.....
officer: ma'am, spare me the dumbass. you have the right to remain dumbass. any dumbass thing you say or do will be held against you in a court of dumbass law. you have the right to a dumbass attorney. if you cannot afford one then your dumbass will be appointed the dumbest ass lawyer they can find to ensure your dumbass case gets thrown out on its dumb ass and you're exiled to the planet dumbass to live out the rest of your dumbass days. do you understand your rights, dumbass?
mom: ....(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | from a concerned FGA
Saturday, February 07, 2004 - 21:14
(Agree/Disagree?)
Yes, your "revelation" was cute and so right-on! I have come to the conclusion that this form of non-stop tongues is only to get everyone set-up for a seance... to conjure up all the "spirits" from the netherworld... to get new messages to follow. After all the initial hocus-pocus (tongues), everyone sits in silence waiting for a prophecy... or until someone falls asleep (yes, that really happened in our home!). Because it sometimes took so long for "the Lord to get through"... I just "spoke" whatever was in my head... maybe a Bible verse I'd reviewed a million times or something about "go get dinner ready" or whatever was the next event in our schedule.
You're right about the purpose for tongues... to get out and witness.
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| from steam
Saturday, February 07, 2004 - 20:30
(Agree/Disagree?)
That was funny. I enjoyed it.
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