Life of Brian 2

from Spat - Wednesday, March 05, 2003
accessed 1968 times

Another look into the Misadventures of Brian

Day: 5840
Location: Home XXXFF
Revolution Period: PER aka (PhukyouERse)
Mission Objectives: Survival, persecution (child abuse court cases) evasive maneuvers, L of L (Lick another Lollipop)
Primary Objective: Screw Brian

After the usual 15 minute wait Brian was admitted into the toilet (a very busy public area in morning), he quickly wrestled his fly open as he contemplated the “Do not lock sign” sign posted on the bathroom door. While Brian busied himself with the logic behind the prudent posting of the sign he was beat to the buzzer by Aunty Patience (a sweet national who had difficulty pronouncing her new name). Bryant quickly averted his eyes to avoid any eye to eye contact, but before that was possible Brian caught a glimpse of aunty Patience’s smile (Brian would swear-Lord forgive him- Aunty Patience liked him). Normally Brian would welcome the glimpse of a naked Aunty Patience (She was 24 and fairly decent looking, besides she had the native look something Brian considered exotic and erotic),but this morning’s sights were spoiled by a quick look at Aunty Patience’s hairy arm pits as she carefully extracted an exact 3 squares(use of more than 3 squares of toilet paper was serious offense that could land you an immediate triple demerit meriting Xlabor on the spot) of toilet paper (this week Brian had spent 4 hours separating the double plight toilet paper carefully rolling single plight rolls-carefully aplying Grandpa's teachings in waste not want not) and expertly folded them as to not waste an inch, this toppled by the sound of her bowel movement conjured to put to rest any sexual overture the situation might have granted.

Brian quickly dashed in and out of the OC, SC, JETT and AC/DC rooms finding his way thru the maze of drywall, making it into the dining room at precisely 7:28, “perfect timing” he thought to himself.

His best efforts were rewarded by a breakfast line of only 25 people, and to Brian’s good fortune Teen Joan (it had always intrigued Brian how teen Joan, who was a year and two months Brian’s senior, had been considered an adult at 12 demoted to a HOT at 13, considered a JETT 6 months later, Graduated to a Junior teen at 14 and currently held the Senior teen status) wearing her superb white shorts was standing in line for breakfast as well. After a couple of expert moves by Brian (which included his approaching his MC age brother Josh in order to wish him a good day, thus skipping 5 spots in the line) he found himself behind Joan. Brian attempted to think of a way to start a conversation, he was so immersed in his own thoughts he failed to notice Sweet Aunty Vessel (a self appointed teen Shepherdess) had wiggled her way into the food line and was welcoming all breakfast hopefulls with a sweet smile while making sure that every one got their fair serving of today’s special “Carrot Delight” a concoction invented by Uncle Jeho. This succulent meal consisted of boiled carrots in milk with some added molasses, this was supposed to strengthen the bones and provide all the needed nourishment for a good days work. Brian found the consumption of this “delight” impossible and had vomited twice before while attempting the brave feat of finishing his serving. As they approached the serving line Brian was unable to conjure a conversation opener with Joan, and before he knew it he was standing with an empty bowl staring at the 20 gallon pot of delight. Brian considered his options
1.- An attempt to scurry along claiming a toilet urge (this option was quickly rejected after Brian calculated the risk of immediate discovery by Aunty Vessel’s watching eyes, a result that would most probably result in an immediate double demerit toppled by a double serving of the Delight)
2.- To attempt a minuscule serving that could discreetly be disposed of at a later time ( the hazard involved in this plan is that detection would result in a double serving with Vessels ever watchful Eye verifying the full consumption of the pottage)
3.- To comply with the norm and serve himself an ample serving of the pottage and attempt a mild consumption and a later disposal of the remains.
After a careful consideration of all the available options he helped himself to a full serving gave Aunty Vessel his best “God Bless You” smile and proceeded in his attempt to locate the farthest sitting spot possible.

It was then and there that good luck knocked at Brian’s door as Uncle John entered the room and asked for all teen boy volunteers to a “garbage attack” alert as it was trash day. A very thankful Brian quickly put up his hand and was chosen as a volunteer. Brian made sure his plate was left in the OC table making all further plate tracing investigations untraceable to Brian.

Brian opened the Door to the shed and in doing so released the enclosed smelled of 37 (yeah Brian had counted them all last week while washing them to purge his Xlabour time) garbage barrels filled to the Brim. Brian and teen Zack (Brian’s competitor for Joan’s affection) lifted a barrel (Brian carried about 1/3 of the weight while the much more talented and muscular Zack showed off by lifting it with one powerful arm) and attempted to carry it to the garage.

Their eager attempts were frozen in midair by an air shattering yell of “Stop!!!” by Uncle Uriah. After dropping the barrel and surveying the area for the reason of concern, Uncle Uriah hastily approached them and asked them if they had prayed before they started (Uncle Uriah had been greatly troubled by the Garbage disposal operation after a 200 pound barrel had landed on his toe last month, JETT Jonathan had accidentally let go of his side of the barrel. The result of this incident had been a lost toenail for Uriah and JETT Jonathan had landed himself a 4 month Victor program admittance for his part in the affair). After an eager prayer and the claiming of 5 verses for protection their labors resumed.

On next Episode Candy Robbery in paradise, OC Johny’s trial and conviction In the “extra Delight plate” case, Uncle Uriah Conducts a fire filled devotions.