Moving On - Children of the Children of God

I have just spent several ardous and tortuous hours perusing the vast amount of material available on the internet about The Family as well as my own precious preserved files collected during my childhood hell within The Family.
Its surprising how much it stills hurts me (almost physically, yes physically inside) to revisit my past. I thought that after 13 years of dealing with my past in The Family and getting stronger that the pain wouldn't still exist. But, I was wrong!
In a couple of days, I am due to finally after 13 years meet with one of my parents (still in The Family) to talk with him man to man/father to son in an attempt to get him to understand, realise and acknowledge my experience of growing up in The Family.
It all just floods back...... The pain, confusion - awareness of something wrong; the helplessness - and even more so my own feelings of guilt and complicity about the going-ons in The Family.
The many memories of abuse: free sex with adults and chidren, public sex, private sex; the beatings in public and in private with sticks, rods belts, poles because of my "sins"; the countless days, weeks and months in retraining programs/victors programs "because I felt things were wrong and fought against them with everything within me".
Who can forget the exorcisms, the silence restrictions, the isolation periods? I can't, Can you?

I feel quite alone. I know I'm not alone however.... There are thousands of us. Where are you all?
This website exists, so I know that some of you are out there and that you remember?
Our defacto motto should perhaps be "Lest We Forget"
I have just spent the last hour reading the diatribes of individuals protesting the innocence of The Family - How dare they!!!
These ignorant and deluded people offend me and you who have survived. Their statements and comments clearly show their ignorance and bias when compared with the many stories and accounts of the experiences of survivors like you and me who have lived through the harrowing ordeal of life in The Family.

To all of you survivors who like me have fought and won your freedom from the bondage and oppression of life in The Family, you are all truly special and amazing people. Your stories and lives are a testament to the strength, beauty and resilence of the natural human soul.
Knowing that you are out there, restores some of my faith in life and the world.

You have seen through the lies and deceit of those who wished to take away your freedom - your freedom of thought, action and feeling - you have showed a form of courage, insight, intuition and intellect that is so rare and special in this world.
There are not many people in this world (the world The Family calls the system, The Family and any and all other worlds and worldviews) who can examine and analyse the veracity and integrity of the worldviews being instilled in them while they are mere children, and then courageously make choices and take actions which reject everything they have ever been taught or understood about the world. This is something very special.
I hope that over the coming weeks, months and years that I can get to know some of you out there who have been where I have been, seen what I have seen and survived.
Towards that aim I am going to each day post an update, article or update here on MovingOn about my own journey for justice and redemption and the wider effort for justice going on throughout the world.
Please feel free to comment and post.
from a fellow survivor still travelling the pilgrims road
Michael

Reader's comments on this article
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from Weeder
Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 03:00
(Agree/Disagree?)
This site will die along with the Family.
(reply to this comment)
from Weeder
Tuesday, January 10, 2006 - 02:59
(Agree/Disagree?)
This site is run by nazis! You guys can go to hell while your having intercourse with your own rectums. China has more freedom of speech.
(reply to this comment)

From GG
Tuesday, January 10, 2006, 03:18
(Agree/Disagree?)
Sad but true.(reply to this comment)
from Weeder
Monday, January 09, 2006 - 22:29

from Weeder
Monday, January 09, 2006 - 22:22

from david_paddo
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 - 22:01
(Agree/Disagree?)
Dear cic,

A powerful comment with the pain so obvious amidst the struggle and survival: yes survival. As one who has known you for a few years, I have to say that I admire you (and anyone) who has struggled to break free from TF. While you may feel a degree of vulnerability and aloneness, that is inevitable, because so few would understand the complexity of your experience, I keep remembering what you were like and how far you have moved in the last few years. I, for one, am very proud of you and your accomplishments!

Your friend,

david_paddo
(reply to this comment)
from yeawaeva
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 - 06:20
(Agree/Disagree?)
uh, how bout you just get over it and then "move on", isn't that what you're supposedly trying to do?! You are 27 yrs old after all!!!!
(reply to this comment)

From david_paddo
Wednesday, January 04, 2006, 22:05
(Agree/Disagree?)
this comment betrays so little understanding of the human person and what development really means...and of the impact of abuse in the lives of people.(reply to this comment)

From cic
Wednesday, January 04, 2006, 12:43
(Agree/Disagree?)

Thanks for your comment.

You should understand right now that you are a very lucky person to not have said that to my face.

My reply is as follows:

Firstly, the act of "Moving On" is a uniquely personal journey. What this often difficult and painful journey is like and means is different for each and everyone of us. What constitutes each unique journey is different from person to person because we all react differently to events and traumas in our lives.

Secondly, I am moving on. (You have no perspective of where I stand and what I have done to survive my childhood in The Family and you have no right whatsoever to make judgements concerning my success or otherwise.)

I am moving on because:

I have the freedom to make own choices in life. I can go outside when I want. I can eat and drink what I want when I want. I can read any book in any library I want. I can think what I want. I can say what I want.

I can have friends.

I am studying at university about amazing things, an amazing world and an amazing human society.

I have my own businesses. I own my own television production company and I own my own publishing company.

I can finally and freely become and be "Me"

To me this is what "Moving On" is all about. For me "Moving On" is finding a way to succeed and thrive despite the pain and trauma of difficult times in your life.

I know that I am lucky to be alive at this stage in my journey of coming to terms with my childhood in The Family ("Moving On"). Many just like us are not here anymore, and my heart and prayers go out to them all.

"Moving On" is not a linear process composed primarily of trying to forget where you come from.

For me, "Moving On" is a long and often circular process. As I have gotten older and gained a different perspective on life and more maturity, I have realised that my childhood in The Family is an integral part of what is "Me".

Despite the pain that goes with it, it is special to me. It is my battlescar, it reminds me that I survived, that I am strong and that those who wronged me haven't defeated me.

I hope that my journey in life is a constant reminder to those fuckers in The Family that they can take away my childhood and my innocence but they can never take away my freedom.

from a fellow traveller

Michael(reply to this comment)

From ESJ
Thursday, January 05, 2006, 04:30
(Agree/Disagree?)
Right on! Preach it, brother!(reply to this comment)

From JohnnieWalker
Wednesday, January 04, 2006, 06:42
(Agree/Disagree?)

Have you considered the fact that 'moving on' means different things to different people? Venting and getting stuff off ones chest--particularly in writing--is a very good way of dealing with ones past and aiding the process of moving on.(reply to this comment)

From exister
Wednesday, January 04, 2006, 06:33
(Agree/Disagree?)

Feel free to ignore ignorant posts like this. The poster is likely a current member or some sorry individual who feels that collective denial is the way to cope.

cic, your article is excellent. We are out here and do check in every so often. I wouldn't hold out much hope for a productive conversation with your father due to the incommensurable differences between your world view and his, but it's certainly worth a try. All of my immediate family is still in and I have pretty much written them off as lost causes. There is a certain amount of non-development and atrophy of an individual's faculties that occurs over several decades of consuming and regurgitating cult rhetoric. Like a junkie on an opiate drip sometimes you just have to let them be.

Drop me a line sometime if you want to talk further, exister@gmail.com.(reply to this comment)

From cic
Wednesday, January 04, 2006, 12:48
(Agree/Disagree?)

Hi exister,

Thanks for your kind and encouraging words.

You know, that until now I often felt so very alone, so different to everyone around me. It is comforting to know that there are many other people out there just like myself.

I will drop you an email.

Take care

Michael(reply to this comment)

From Weeder
Tuesday, January 10, 2006, 03:12
(Agree/Disagree?)
Dude! You need to eat more red meat, listen to deathmetal, join a gym or something besides sounding like a pansy all the time! Grow another ball or something!
Damn!(reply to this comment)

From mash
Friday, January 06, 2006, 04:04
(Agree/Disagree?)
Good luck in your journey(reply to this comment)

From Weeder
Tuesday, January 10, 2006, 03:21
(Agree/Disagree?)
Road trip!(reply to this comment)