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Getting Out : Leaving
Things I Missed Growing Up | from mugthebug - Tuesday, January 17, 2006
accessed 1679 times I was watching MTV's "Made" and started thinking about the things that I did not get to do in The Family that I wished I could have done and here is the list. I never went to high school, which means I never had the opportunity to be if I so desired prom queen or home coming queen
I never learned to roller-skate or ice skate the only ballet classes I had were the stupid ones taught by an "aunty" out of the child care handbook
I never had the joy of that first awkward date where you kissed and that was as far as it went because neither one of you were sure exactly how sex worked
Things I did learn from the family were, how to lie proficiently to any one and get away with it, how to fly under anyone’s radar, how to never get angry or express anger (which may be why the 10+ years I worked in retail I was always the customer service person they called when there was and extra obnoxious customer to deal with) how to speak more than one language fluently and last but not least I learned how to ignore just about anything I didn't want to listen to while still looking like I was listening and enjoying it
(Foot note to those who know me cheeks especially: Yes, I was always one of the fat girls but it would have been nice to at least run for prom queen even if I never would have won so no fat joke ok? Luv ya. |
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Reader's comments on this article Add a new comment on this article |  from cheeks
Tuesday, January 24, 2006 - 17:16
(Agree/Disagree?)
Ha! I get the psyco's at the service desk too. I get called when they get something they don't want to take back. The yelling and the cursing doesn't get to me. I raise the eye brow and give them the bored stare. The yelling and cursing continues and I put it in the bag and give them the ' Don't you look like an idiot' stare and they leave.
The things I would change, having the first time really be the first time. Not feeling pressured to "share". I never ended up sharing except with my hubby I bet he wishes he left me alone now. I always was in the position that because I was unwilling to share, I must also be unwilling in other things. The lord was never truly going to bless me. Well I got blessed by not getting an STD.
Confidence, the Family took so much of our confidence away. The whole you are never going to make it out there was way over the top. Once you hit a dog so many times he will eventually stay down.
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| | | |  From Baxter
Wednesday, January 25, 2006, 05:41
(Agree/Disagree?)
I remember the long and boring talks where they would get re-enlisted senior NCOs to talk about how crap civvy street was. Senior Sergeants who couldn't live without their little daily dose of power. The life-devoid idiots who teach the their wives how to build battle-trenches and man OPs from the backyard.
Very similar to the 'Traumatic Testimonies' series; so-and-so got out and became a dope addict; so-and-so got into trouble with the Albanians while mercing it in Bosnia; so-and-so shot himself when his wife left him. 'Oh my GOD, why would I ever want to leave the caring fold of the warm appreciating army?';'You need us more than we need you' kinda shit. Lies of course.(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | from Freshman
Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 07:14
  (Agree/Disagree?)
Is it just me or is ESJ kinda like that one Senior who sits at the table with a bunch of freshmen? All the other seniors look down on him. The freshmen tolerate it but even they know its kinda pathetic.
I understand this comment will not make sense to those of you who didn't get the opportunity to go to high school. I assure you, you didn't miss much.
(reply to this comment)
| | | | From solemn
Saturday, January 21, 2006, 21:56
(Agree/Disagree?)
I don’t think that is a fair depiction at all. This site is a forum for a very diverse group of people of all ages and stations of life. Our only common factor is our backgrounds in The Family. I would say Eva fits neatly into that demographic. Perhaps it would do you some good to realize that this isn’t high school. Do you think you should be sitting at a “cooler” table than her? I’ve never met Eva, but like anyone else, her emotion and intent comes through in her writing. I can say with a great degree of confidence that her concern for people on this site is unmistakable. Have you never stuck your foot in your mouth, I have. If you ever needed it, I’m sure she would stick up for you.(reply to this comment) |
| | From vixen
Sunday, January 22, 2006, 07:09
(Agree/Disagree?)
Just a small correction, if you don't mind: This site was created as a meeting place specifically for individuals who were born into TF or made to join through their parents' or guardians' decisions to do so. In other words, those who did not have a choice in the matter. Your impression of what demographic this forum is intended for is slightly skewed. That being said, ex-FGAs, current family members and those who have never been in TF are welcome to post here if they do so with respect. I personally think that we have a right to continued maintenance of this important distinction.
As far as Eva is concerned, I feel that she has demonstrated a great deal of integrity in accepting her part in the perpetuation of TFs abusive environment, and that is, in my opinion, highly commendable. Furthermore, she is one of only a few ex-FGAs who are genuinely committed to going some way toward undoing the wrongs of our collective past by campaigning for some kind of justice, and for that I am truly grateful.
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| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | From Freshman
Tuesday, January 24, 2006, 12:24
(Agree/Disagree?)
Thank you all.
Once again, as is the continuing trend amongst you fucking crybabies, another remark posted purely in good fun is attacked because it isn't sensitive to every ones "feelings". You know who you people remind me of. THE FUCKING CULT. So if getting out means I have to continue to walk on eggshells and be nice, smile, and not say what I really fucking think then that just defeats the purpose doesn't it.
*kills self*(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | from Anon2
Saturday, January 21, 2006 - 03:07
(Agree/Disagree?)
One of the things I did learn in TF was how to instantly size up whatever psycho nut-case Home Shephard I'd just been sent to and very quickly ascertain which things I could now get away with and which things were most likely to trigger his or her "hot button".
Surprisingly, I've found this skill exceptionally useful while working in some of the larger corporations. Your average CEO these days usually knows better than to subject staff to the kind of physical, psychological or sexual abuse dished out by TF, but some of the more brainwashed members of the corporate sector exhibit almost the same inability to think for themselves as a cultie. Consequently, they tend to be just as easy to manipulate.
(reply to this comment)
| | | | from solemn
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 16:13
(Agree/Disagree?)
It seems like the “things” people missed out on the most aren’t even things, they are feeling loved, understood, cared for, supported, needed, wanted, included, feeling normal. I am humbled by the weight some of you carry on your shoulders. I wish I knew what to say to you. You should be proud of yourselves for making it as far as you have.
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| from exister
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 14:59
(Agree/Disagree?)
Well, since you asked.
I missed out on an entire world of reading and other media that I have spent the better part of my adult life catching up on. It irks me to think that many of the brilliant things that I have read could have been part of my formative years if my parents hadn't chosen to follow a pedophile for all of their adult lives.
I missed out on the opportunity to earn an academic scholarship to a really good school. Instead I had to join the military and work full time all through college. It must be nice to be just a student.
I am proud to have been in the military and I am very happy with the education I have achieved. However, we must make a clear distinction between rejoicing at the overcoming of disadvantages and anger at those who willfully imposed these disadvantages upon us.
(reply to this comment)
| from Nemo
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 14:40
(Agree/Disagree?)
I never had the joy of experiencing sex at adolescence from the point of innocence and exploration. It had something to do with watching adults have sex from the age of four, and having all those memories engraved into my head to this day. It makes enjoying sex almost impossible. Maybe it made me a more considerate lover, I concentrate more on my partner. But that sucks as far as enjoying yourself is concerned. I know if I let go, I'd be absolutely horrible to the opposite sex. I have to fight turning into a sick fuck because some fuckers thought it was a good idea to introduce me to sex as a child. And it totally sucked having to show respect to someone as a child that you just watched fucking your mum or dad.
That's what I missed as a child.
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| From I shouldnt...but
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:11
(Agree/Disagree?)
I don't know weather to laugh or cry at that comment. I feel sick too. Sex is never normal for me. I never want it and i can never get enough of it. I always want to try something else, something crazy. Not like kill someone or rape or anything like that. I too have always had very satisfied partners but its never right for me. Fuck! I hate it. I am the wonderful product of encouraging children to have sex. (reply to this comment) |
| | From Nemo
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:36
(Agree/Disagree?)
I am trapped between an inescapable drive for sex, with the totally sick feeling that follows it. it's like needing to stick your hand in a boiling pot of water. I tried substituting with drugs, violence and pain.
All I really wanted, all I have always wanted is to feel wanted and loved. I'm told that I'm an intimidating person, and people are often scared of me when they meet me (with no apparent effort on my part) and it always comes as a surprise to women when they find out that I prefer to just be held, much more than the emotionless, meaningless sex that people of my generation are supposed to be nuts about. But it's impossible to show genuine love to someone when you've become so used to saying 'I love you' to people you don't give a shit about, and then trying to say it to someone you'd want to give your life to. I don't even know what it means. I want to be able to really care about someone, and not even care if they return my feelings or not. At the same time, sex is always someting incredibly ugly and vile, something that can never be beautiful and warm. It's like being living dead. Inside, I'm an overgrown stunted child who never grew up. It's ridiculous to think that the environment of our youth was meant to be full of love and affection, and yet I can't even communicate it to others. (reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | From Jesus Crust
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 15:53
(Agree/Disagree?)
i always love how as a relationship progresses she will want to have the talk about our sexual histories. Oh fuck, does that go over good. Some are like, "well there was this one time I was drinking with some friends and me and these 2 guys, Oh god you think Im a slut huh". And Im like whatever you want me to call a friend. Nothing is special. Or when someone nice wants to know about hy past and i have, "well my first time was when i was 7, What you think Im sick huh. Good cuz i am. should we save time and end this now" because she will never look at you the same, EVER!(reply to this comment) |
| | From NN&MM
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 23:50
(Agree/Disagree?)
I had no problems with sex, although I did sometimes wish I could skip the please the partner role. I did have problems with the "love" bit. When I first left, I just brought out the "love" way to early, and all the wrong girls wanted to stay forever, while the right ones got scared off. Ho ho ho. Thank myself, I grew out of it, and grew into the system. Ah let me wallow some more in the muck and mud of this worldly euphoria....(reply to this comment) |
| | | | | From ESJ
Thursday, January 19, 2006, 17:39
(Agree/Disagree?)
Gee, you guys, I’m so sorry. Reading these later, more serious comments, I now see that in the light of the enormity of what you have suffered and still suffer, my earlier naïve attempts to be ‘encouraging’ or find some ‘positive note’ just sound trite and inconsiderate. Please accept my apologies.
Whenever I read stuff like this is just breaks my heart and makes me cry. How could we (FGA’s) have been so fucking blind and stupid and cruel and insensitive to the emotional needs of our children?! It makes me so angry! – Angry at myself, angry at Berg and Zerby and all their cohorts, and angry with all the other FGA’s who are still refusing to face up to the crimes we committed by bringing our children up in such an abusive environment.
Way back then, when all these things were being heralded as ‘wonderful new truths’ that would make our children the ‘free-est, strongest, wisest, most enlightened generation on the earth’, I could have never dreamed in a million years that this would be the outcome. Humbled and deeply sorry, I send you my love and hopes that somehow, on these deep inner levels, you can ultimately find peace and healing. (reply to this comment) |
| | | | | | | | from Bones
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 21:15
(Agree/Disagree?)
Tonight I took my youngest to her first school recital. She signed up on her own and practiced faithfully. She politely reminded us on a more than regular basis of her upcoming event. She was so excited so we just fed the fire with encouragement. When she nervously took the stage her eyes darted about the room searching for comfort. You could see it come from the inside out when she finally found us in the crowd. She waved slyly, and looked back now and then with the most confident smile. She was just happy that we were there to watch her, just happy for the support. That’s what I missed. I remember having to sing and perform. Yet my motivation was to avoid severe punishment, or to get food. Nothing was supported that was not a furtherance of The Family’s ideas. So, consequently, nothing was supported. BTW, she has been glowing with pride all night long.
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| | | | From Bones
Saturday, January 21, 2006, 18:52
(Agree/Disagree?)
You can never get back what you lost, it's too late. But being able to give to someone you love, for me, is even better. It is like giving it back to yourself. I think that is the true meaning of "It's better to give than to receive". I'm sure you are doing everything you can for your daughter, you sound like she really matters to you. Having kids rocks.(reply to this comment) |
| | from ESJ
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 19:52
 (Agree/Disagree?)
One thing you do have to your advantage though, which a lot of people your age still haven't achieved who don't have your background, is that when you have to leave behind everything you were taught and start all over to discover what is really real for yourself, you become far more self aware and authentic than those who grew up in a 'regular life' in the world. You see more easily through all the everyday bullshit and are not so easily fooled or manipuilated.
They, too, have been entrained and enculturated into a preconcieved world view, which - because it usually isn't as fanatic and 'high demand' and abusive as TF's upbringing - they are seldom driven to really question.
Because life is relatively 'easy' (as long as they 'play the game'), they don't usually feel challenged to explore outside of their own 'cultural myth' and the role society has given them. Subsequently, just like the SGA's still comfortably ensconsed in TF, they can spend their lives living according to the dictates of 'authorative others', and never get down to the nitty gritty of discovering what is truly real outside of what they've been told, and who they really are as a unique individual beyond assigned roles and culturally-accepted world views.
Thats what I love about the myriad views being expressed on Moving On. It represents authentic individuals who are questioning and debating everything they've ever been told to believe (by TF and by society in general), who are struggling to find the 'one true thing' they can believe in, which - if they keep up the search - they will ultimately discover within themselves.
So don't be too despondent. The more you seek out 'the big reality' beyond all belief systems and cultural ways of life, and pusue personal healing and wholeness, and explore you inner Self, the more you'll come to realize you didn't really miss all that much compared to the inner riches you've garnered from all your experiences and explorations.
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| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | from AndyH
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 19:25
(Agree/Disagree?)
Other things I/we missed:
A lot of TV shows that so many people take for granted, "Oh my god, you've never seen: insert lame 80's show here." Arsenio Hall, Alf, Thundercats, Smurfs. I can't really think of them all, but I'm sure the majority of them sucked out loud.
An education about history not rife with lies and prejudice.
Rebelling: I know some of you did but I never had the balls.
Being grounded: I remember the first time I heard that term thinking "so I've been grounded my entire life?"
Cool toys: with guns and knives and punching action and all manner of un-christian things.
System Music: Mmmmmm.... System music.
That's all I can think of right now.
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