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Bella - Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Uncle Daniel was a PERVERT! AND a jerk.

Anyone ever have to dance with him during TEEN/YA dance night?! His height was just so that his, well - COCK (excuse the French), would rest cozily in a nice, firm, little place on every young girl's chest, called her breasts. He would proceed to get a hard on as he hugged you nice and firm and whispered "god bless you sweet heart" ... GROSS! You can only imagine the heightened level of disgust when he came in to the laundry room the next morning with his AFFLICTION laundry! Hmmm what was worse, the rub up or sorting his afflicted blacks from whites? EWWW!

For the record: Uncle Daniel - You are a PERVE!

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Misty - Tuesday, October 01, 2002

The worst offenders were always the shepards. The higher their rank the worse they were. I used to bind my boobs down so I'd look more like a boy, in a vain attempt not to be noticed. I'll never forget when one of the shepards told me it was my duty to look after his needs while his wife was away. I was 11 yrs old. If only I knew any of their real names maybe I could do something about it.

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Jerseygirl - Thursday, September 26, 2002

Xhrisl,thanks for writing this.I have so many issues with my parents that I feel will never be resolved. Not only were most of us "sacrifices" to their beliefs, but the retched thing is that they had a choice!!THEY had a fucking choice!That will always be the most important point to me. When you are given choices,even tho you may want others to blame,the consequences are your own fault.If all you are given to deal with is consequences where do you go from there? I asked many times to leave and only got in trouble for it.My various cries for help were definately scoffed at and considered fake attempts for attention.One interesting thing is that the Mene series was really a sprinboard for all the harsh treatment of behavioral problems or stunts."Typical teenage traits" aka:anything natural that any teen in the world goes thru,were horrible sins that should be beaten or "exorcised" out of us.I was talking with my daughter the other day about what she wants to be when she grows up.Why didn't anyone ask me that?Why was I told that the only way to be with someone was to marry them?Who is gonna help me now when I'm not even 30 and facing a possible divorce?Who will help to pay for my college education--or even just lend a hand with the kids so I can study? Not my parents--once again they are off doing"Gods highest".The worst part is that not only did we support their lifestyle when we were kids and teenagers, but because they refuse to see that they're getting old and maybe should

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Jerseygirl - Thursday, September 26, 2002

cont. start thinking about a way to support themselves,we will still have to help them the rest of our lives. I somehow still feel that to refuse them might be more than I can do but GOD!--who is helping us? I don't care if I sound childish or demanding. When will this end? And now I am even more upset when they continue to fail to see they are making all the same mistakes with the younger guys.I am at a loss for words. AND--whenever I have tried to say these things it is a stonewall I am only patronised with their silly words and lack of understanding.Anyways, sorry this got long, but believe me, it ain't the half of it.Take care

Original Location

Auty - Saturday, September 14, 2002

Yeap, happened over here. And I bet more women were sexually abused than males in the family. Besided the "uncles" rubbing their weenies on you at dance nice at the HCS, there was a pervert (whom I mentioned in this section) Robert McDonald, AKA Newheart, AKA Sir Robert). I lived with him for about 2 years, from the age 14-16ish before I was "rescued" to go to the Victor's Program. My salvation was victors in a very weird sort of way. I was the only Teen girl in the home and he was just awful. First man at a budding young age that ever went down on me . . .first man I was forced to give head to. Besides the constant sexual abuse I suffered at his hands, the physical was equally tormenting. I have kidney problems from his constant beating. Took a bottle of asprin to try to get away from him, miscarried because of his beatings. The list goes on, one which I don't particularly bring up in any discussions.

The worst part is when I finally left the family and told my father this he said "well honey, you were a FLIRTY little teen" . . .thus my relationship with my father is based on the weather.

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It's a long road - Saturday, August 24, 2002

Wow, where should I start. I can relate to so many of the examples in the above postings, and even though I am in my mid-twenties, I did go through a lot of similar experiences as Erin. I used to try to minimize a lot of what I've been through, and just pass it off as what "any parent would do if they got upset" (when I was still in the Family). I will always remember the day my mind-pattern started to change, when my baby girl was a month old, and I looked at her and realized that no matter how angry I'd get, or what my beliefs where, there was no way I could spank her with a woonden spoon until her little naked body was bruised, and her hands were swollen from getting in the way, or slap her for peeing her pants at 1 1/2, or slap her face for not "looking" at a flash card. That was the day I stopped excusing the first generation for what they'd put me and other kids much younger than myself through, and I realized that no loving parent could act like that towards their child, or a child they claimed to love. What tortures me more than the abuse I experienced is the memories of how I used to discipline my "toddler group" when I was 12. I remember being repremanded for not being strict enough on them, and I would try to do my best by disciplining them for every mistake they would make. My little 1 1/2 yr. old brother who I loved to death was in my group, and one day he stepped on the home shepherd's piece of apple pie by accident, and the shepherd slapped his hand until it was bright red. After getting over his initial anger, he turned to me and started yelling at me, saying that I was more lenient on my little brother than I was on the rest of the toddlers in my group. After this I started slapping him for everything he did, so that it wouldn't look I was spoiling him. I look back at this time with horror, and wish I never would have been given the sole responsiblity of raising little ones when I was so young myself. More than that, I wish that I would have had the courage to stand up and try to protect the little ones instead of just listening and being a "bellweather". When my daughter was born 3 yrs. ago, (I was still in the family) I made sure noone even joked about "spanking" in front of her, as by that time I understood that I had to protect her by making sure she never experiences abuse, and that through protecting her I could in some way start to face up to all that I went through and that I saw little ones going through.

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Ex-member - Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Erin, I just want to say how much I admire your courage and individualism. From your story I imagine you were classified as a "bad Apple" and a problem case from a young age for your tendency to stand up for yourself. At least you knew who you were as child and had the guts to stand up against what you knew to be wrong (although at great cost to yourself) and defend your younger brother.
Once when I was in a combo, I remember going downstairs to join another "group" after "quiet time" for P.E. I found my younger brother (then 8 and slightly small for his age) "standing in the corner" outside the room with his hands folded over his head (another little bit of sadism thrown in to make the punishment more painful). I have always felt protective of him as he was very harshly treated and punished as one of the more "naughty" children with a thick streak of strong self will which today makes him a hardworking, responsible and ethical individual who lives entirely by his own set of rules and standards which make him a just and generous man. Well, not knowing what the situation was and after sitting for a while in silence due to my own cowardice to reproach his "teacher" I saw my poor baby brother literally collapse before my eyes. He leaned on one knee for a few seconds, and then pulled himself back up to his feet to "resume the position" until he "was told". This incredible display of self will and strength was what forced me out of my shell to approach his "teacher" at which I learned that he had been standing there for more than two hours as the teacher had fallen asleep and forgotten about him. I freaked out and demanded that he "let him out" immediately to which he replied that he could wait a little longer as he was "busy" getting the other 20 kids up and ready for PE. I went straight to the home "shepherd" who thankfully was an ok person and it was ended butI was even further angered to learn from his friends that my brother had not even been the one "talking" (we all remember the numerous "demerits" we got for this basic right). We also must all remember the triple bunk beds with slept in - with trundles....he had been on the bottom bunk and the two children on the trundle and middle bunk were talking. The teacher was simply too lazy to find out what was really happening and my brother was the easy target.
I mention this incident because although I have both witnessed and experienced far worse abuse -which I simply do not want to think about or relive- it has forever stuck in my concience that I was too much of a coward to do more for my brother who was so wrongly treated and I admire anyone who stuck up for their innocent brothers and sisters. -Thank God my parents usually did -whenever they knew about it- even though they were constantly demoted and received harsh punishment and were constantly threatened with (Oh horror!) reclassification on our behalf. I understand this was not the case with a lot of young people and so all you had were your brothers and sisters to defend you.
I admit I was a bit skeptical of some parts of your story at first as I had never either experienced or heard of some things you mentioned... much like a normal person would feel watching a contortionist do things that are simply immpossible for them. -That ofcourse does not mean the contortionist is not doing it, which is what I realized. -Surrounded by so much I can relate to... I am forced to believe that that is the ugly truth.

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Ex-member - Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Ex-member speaking: "I know this is a difficult & hard experience, & I can hardly do the subject justice. It horrifies me that something like this could happen in our Family. It’s probably a good thing that I’m not there these days, because I don’t know what I’d feel like doing in a situation like that & I don’t know if I could have the patience & understanding towards this man. It would take a real supernatural miraculous inpouring of the love of God."
Girl, as fucked up as it is, he said it! I agree with the assumption that probably every SGA girl in the family has had a similar experience. When I was just ten I used to go on the road 6 days out of every week with my dad and an 18 year old guy built like a tree trunk and some other odd "Auntie or Uncle" who was his partner. He (the 18 year old) started by making me strip for him, then touching myself in front of him, then him fondling me till he finally ended up raping me over the period of about 6 months that we had this "road team".
He would always find ways and times to be alone with me and I never told my dad or any member of my family to this day as at first I was scared of him.(If he threatened to beat me if I made a peep and I peeped, he beat me. So when he threatened to come back and kidnap me from the home and abuse me "forever" if I told, I believed him. Being an American in Italy made it all the more scary for me).
All through my teen years it plagued me, making me shy/afraid of men. Making me hate to be touched at all. When I was 18 and a half, I met my boyfriend and decided I was too old to let him have this hold over me and ruin my life. It was a rocky road at first, took me a long time to get used to my boyfriends almost suffocating affection and cuddling all night. I still have so many issues with sex that I don't care to share with all and sundry just now.
Today I am almost 5, 10", weigh 125 lbs. I have dark curly hair, green eyes and a great body. I am Intelligent, sucessful in my own right, hard working and a good person. Everyone I know tells me over and over how beautiful and sexy I am. Getting male attention is no problem either. -Like my friend says, "Just a crook of this little finger here and you don't think I could have my choice?"
I am not saying this to brag. Far from it. On the other hand, I am very insecure and selfconcious and have no self confidence whatsoever. I say this because I see it in so many people besides myself. -And not just ex-members- people in general who have been abused like this. We form a complex that stints us socially. Why do you think people are constantly telling me how beautiful I am? -They are trying to build up my selfconfidence. It's like anorexia, I see it but simply can't relate it to myself. In my mind, I am a different person.
But I have realized that it is only myself getting hurt.
Don't get me wrong! I am all for vengeance, I haven't forgiven and fogotten, nor do I buy into all that shit the Family spews on the subject. I simply choose to take a stand as a strong, worthy, individual and refuse to let evil doers control me in this way.
I agree with the assumption that you are probably a "very sweet" girl. No offense or condecension meant. But to survive in the real world, you gottah get some guts and some meanness yourself. Screw forgiveness, I say defend yourself from these fucks as no one else is going to. -But then you know that by now.

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jackeline - Wednesday, August 21, 2002

im an exmember too and have gone through some similar things i admire your courage and your will to keep on i was raped at 13 and till now i still suffer i too try to move on i have a 5 yr daughter and will fight for her i wish you all the best

Original Location

Reg - Thursday, August 08, 2002

Erin, your article made me cry. I am so furious and upset. Your posting brought back the toddlers' screams from the bathroom. I remember my two year old brother being beaten until he was black and blue. I remember being beaten for saying things that the cult did not like. I remember a dirty old man fondling me and being frozen with fear unable to move or say anything. I want the Cult the PAY for these crimes against children.