Original Location

- Monday, January 24, 2005

I know what you mean, I never felt love whilst in TF, I felt fear, guilt, shame, worry, but not just for me, my family too! I saw such behaviour and manipulation and there was nothing I could do, such emancipation of my soul, that I begged, grovelled, cried my heart out at the "evil's" of this world, somehow always knowing that the very same people that were proporting to "save my soul" were fucking with it.

I don't know how I sleep at night let alone them, who can devour a child and feign such religious arogance. To be kissed on a cheek and fucked on the other, is a twist that you cannot detect at such a young age, what 3 yr old should suck a cock for god's glory? And when you do, Well what do you do? how can you go on to trust any one? I may "get over it" but will those memories ever leave me?

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true or false? - Saturday, January 22, 2005

I don't think some people understand why so many of us who were abused were "scared to tell". It's easy for people who haven't been in our shoes to read about it and say 'where is your vengence, why didn't you do something about it or tell someone?' but half the time the people and adults taking care of us were either fucking these same people who abused us or completely adored them, or somehow were kissing their ass. And being a helpless 5,6,7 or 8 yr old with no say (I mean NO SAY esp. in those days) on anything, it was a daunting thought to bring the subject up and possibly interupting the sharing schedule. Also it's not like we could just say something about and then get away from the situation, on the contrary, these were people we had to see and be with day in and day out and the most that would have happened (and i know cuz it happened to me) was that this "adult/pervert" would get talked to by some shepherd (that is if he wasn't the shepherd himself-if he was then you were really screwed-literally) and then his wrath and vengence would be twice as bad, only to find yourself doing JJT's all day, on silence restriction or in some victor program. So, alot of us had to decide wether or not it was worth being trapped under some ones wrath and threats for the rest of their time living in that home or just shut up and find away to avoid it happening again which sadly it did happen over and over again!!

Original Location

Jules - Saturday, January 22, 2005

I was just rereading this and what really makes me angry are the blatant lies told by Matthew. Family leaders in fact usually do know about abusers but do not notify anyone else (not even their own members) about the crimes committed by these people.

Some of you may remember the "Shangri-la School" in Ghent, Belgium. "Uncle" Pedro was a South American man (I think from Brazil) who came to this home to work as a "handyman" there in the early 90's. At the time I was 15, and a secretary for David and Sarah, the national leaders, and so had access to private communications regarding Pedro. Pedro was sent to this Family run "school" from South America because he had abused some little girls. They were only five or six years old. He had been a "child care helper" for a family in South America and when he was caught sexually abusing the children he was sent to Belgium. I was specifically told to not disclose this information to anyone and not one of the parents or other people in this school was notified of his past crimes.

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ChrisG - Saturday, January 22, 2005

I remember that the first statement that TF put out in the 80s condemning child and adult sex was a statement forbidding sex with children up to the age of 15. That is not the same as forbidding sex with minors, since 15-18 year olds are still minors. I remember this very clearly because they read the notice during devotions, and then a girl was turning 15 in my home and I wandered into a room and saw a group of aunties talking about how they were going to "wrap uncle ____ up in a ribbon and give him to _____ for her 15 year old birthday present". Then my mom went out FFing that night, so the uncle proceeded to have sex with this girl on her birthday in my mom's bed--the same bed that I was sleeping in. He pounded the poor girl until 2:00AM in front of my eyes. My little 1 year old sister was sleeping in her cot on the other side of them and she woke up repeatedly looking for my mom and the uncle proceeded to beat her with a shoe each time she woke up because he was pissed that she was disturbing his love fest.

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girl remembers - Thursday, January 20, 2005

1981: I was six years old. My father and other members in the home organized a filming of nude/sexual dances to be circulated in the Family. After all the adults had finished their filming, it was the children's turn. I remember we were six girls (my two sisters, three other girls and myself) - ages 3 - 6 years old. We were coached by our parents and dressed up in only scarves. We were taught how to dance "sexy" and had to smile and look at the camera. We did many takes until our dance was good enough. The dance ended with us all dropping our scarves to reveal our little naked bodies. I know that this video circulated around the world to family homes. Berg even wrote some comment on the video after having viewed it. I was haunted for many years when uncles would say, "Oh, I remember you from that video. You were such a sexy little dancer."
1982: I was seven years old. Our home had a policy - If you went into the pool area, you had to be naked! I complained about this a lot cause it made me very uncomfortable to be playing and swimming with adults who were also naked. I was told that I was not revolutionary enough and was made to read the Word on the subject.
1986: I was eleven years old. John Darjeeling (Indian nationality) would corner me and my nine year old sister and rub against us and try to kiss us. We finally told my mom and she calmly spoke to the home shepherds who asked him to stop.
1986: I was twelve years old. Francis (British) fell in love with me. He carried on his sordid affection for me for over a year. He would write me love letters, love songs, trick me into situations where he would fondle me, kiss me, etc!!! He managed to make me his partner for road trips often and would of course make sure that we shared a double bed. My parents were the home shepherds and Francis would write his OHRs to them and confess his love for me. Neither my parents nor Francis' wife ever talked to me about it or made his stop.
1987: I was thirteen years old. I was sent to The Teen Training Home. Any affection or flirting was forbidden between the teens. BUT a dirty old man, one of the teen shepherds, Paul (a.k.a. Gordon, married to Shuly) would regularly get me to baby sit his kids at night where he would come in and fondle, masturbate and make out with me. HYPOCRITE!
1988: I was thirteen years old. I was participating in nationwide training camps (lasting three months). All of the women coming through the training camps (well over 100) whether they were trainees, on staff or a leader, were encouraged to "volunteer" for performing full nudity dances on video. Berg had sent out a written request for this because "it was a time when he was feeling discouraged and weak - it would provide him encouragement". Most of the women participated. This whole project (lasting several days) was kept secret from the male trainees. The instructions we were given were: "During your dance, you must strip to full nudity and masturbate". I was not comfortable with any of this, but was encouraged to do it because "Only Grandpa's home will see the video". I managed to do my dance without masturbating. That evening all the staff at the camp (approx. 30-50 adults) gathered for a "surprise" - the viewing of the dances that had been filmed. I almost died when my dance came on. I protested, but was booed. I ended up running out of the room while 30-50 adults watched my 13yr old naked body dance on video.
1987: I was thirteen years old. During dance night in my home I was encouraged to do a sexy dance for everyone (50 or so teens and adults)

Original Location

Jessica - Thursday, January 20, 2005

continuation....
1990: I was 15 years old. John Paul (older adult) always arranged for me to be his outreach partner. We would go on week long road trips where we would always share a hotel room. He would get into my bed almost every night and would do everything but penetrate me. He said, “I know you’re only a child, but when I have sex with you I think of you as an adult.” The home shepherds continued sending us on road trips together for half a year and always provisioned us the hotel room. HOW NAÏVE WERE THEY??!

I have only listed my personal experiences. I have witnessed many first had account and have heard first hand accounts from others of their abuse. I will not list them, but rather stick to my personal experiences.

Original Location

Just one more name - Thursday, January 20, 2005

Some of my first memories are of walking into a living room full of adults having sex. I lived in S. America at the time. I remember seeing my mom and other women perform half naked for the dance videos. Fortunally, I was still pretty young and was not included in the videos (3-4 yrs.).

We went back to Europe when I was 4. My parents traveled around as sheperds so we were left in the care of another couple. This "uncle" used to fondle me everytime he had a chance, until one night he finally raped me. When my mom came back I remember telling her that it hurt down there, she told me that it was nothing, that I had probably just wiped myself to hard in the toilet. After that he never touched me again but I was terrified of him. Everytime my parents had to leave again for a trip I would cry and shake all over. The first time I actually told someone about this was when I was 13-14. It was during the persecution preparations. We were asked if anything ever happened to us which we had doubts about. They wanted us to come foward with it before we blurted it to some authority. They told me that it wasn't really abuse, and that I was too small to remember exactly what happened.

Also during my time in Europe there was quite a few Gafms' or whatever they were called. I remember one was in a campground in Spain. I remember waking up at night and my parents were gone. I walked out to the main area where there was this huge bonfire. The adults were all half naked, some men had scarves on their head, sort of gypsy style. Most everyone was naked. They were in couples or groups having one big orgy. Some "uncle" saw me and invited me to sit next to him while he was with this other woman. He then touched me while touching this "auntie" at the same time. Finally, my mom saw me there and took me back to our tent, she never said anything about it.

When I was 7 we moved to Chile. There was a man there, his name was Apollos. He used to cozy up with us girls while reading us bedtime stories in the girls room. While he read to us he would touch us everywhere. He would also call us an have us watch while he washed his penis in the sink, sometimes he would have us help him.

When I was 9 there was this 18year old living with us. His name was Christian. I think his parents joined when he was 10 or something. He used to take care of us. He would come into our room at night and touch me and masturbate. I remember waking up to him hurting me. I would try to fall asleep on my stomach and stay like that so that he wouldn't do anything. This went on for quite a while. One day a new family came to the home. They had a beautiful blond daugther about my age. After that he stopped coming over to my bed, I found out later he started gong to the other girls bed.

At 12 I was placed in the Victor Program and a whole different set of abuse began. I was spanked repeatedly, on my bare bottom by "U. Josh". I went through 7 months silence restriction. One time they caught me talking to my mom and another spaking awaited me. I was "prayed over" on countless occasions, with exorsisms to drive the "spirit of rebeliousness" from me. I finally learned that the best way to end it all was to just agree with whatever they told me and go along with them. So I did.....I graduated from the program 2 months later.

Original Location

weegirlie - Thursday, January 20, 2005

That's what's so sad. We used to be the same way. Personally, I can't help but feel anything but pity for these SG kids. I mean a large majority of them seem to be very young, so probably didn't experience the abuse that we older ones did and it's possible they may not even have read the publications which we were brought up on (Ditto book, Heavens Girl etc.) since TF has done such a good job of trying to erase the past. Even if they did experience it, I know I never really thought I'd been abused when I was still in TF and I actually felt guilty about being a "rebellious child" and for "letting the devil in" and the rest of that crap they fed me all my young life. It wasn't until about a year after I left that I realised that the experiences I went through were not normal and that I had in fact been abused. And I reached these conclusions by myself, no one "told" me this. Thank goodness, I no longer have anyone telling me what I'm supposed to be thinking, which is something excredibly precious to me and would never let anyone take that away again.

The stupidest thing they are saying is that us "ex-members" only started claiming we were abused once we started going on these type of websites. Well, I left almost 6 years ago and I never once went on any ex-F websites until this week when I heard about Ricky from my sister and that was only to try and find out what exactly happened. For the past five years I've had almost no contact with any other ex-members except my personal family as I wanted to get on with my life and put all this in the past, so how do they account for my knowledge that I myself and others were abused and that this abuse was encouraged by TF's leadership. They don't seem to realise that their denial of all of this is what is enraging us so much.

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was there too - Thursday, January 20, 2005

Some of my earliest memories are of "fellowships" where mass orgies took place; us kids just wandering amongst it and/or encouraged to participate if an adult took a fancy to us. In the homes during "quiet time" adults would have sex in front of the children in thier care. I was often asked to "watch your little sister" while my parents had sex in the room in front of us. weekly dance nights we we're all encouraged to strip down over the course of the evening as the adults did, many would just start having sex in room or throughout the house in the open. we had regular viewings as a home (all ages) of the fellowship videos which included "aunty's" dancing for the "king" full on stripping and masturbating, and often couples doing the hardcore. we were encouraged to "explore" each other and many of us were having sex with each other at 6 or 7. we were supposed to sleep naked all together at night, and our care takers would sleep in the nude as well, mornings would consist of watching them parade around in the nude. All the while we we're involved in varying degrees of sexual abuse, beatings, public humiliations and other than that pretty much made to perform house cleaning, cooking and other duties or taken out to "witness" usually getting dragged around in the sweltering heat/bitting cold with little or no breaks for food or water. no schooling past learning to read, "if we could read the word that was better than any education" and then given sexually explicit Berg drivel after that. am I missing anything? not what I would describe as a fit environment for raising children, but we were certainly was not foremost in our parents minds at the time.

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Another girl - Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Prior to 1986 - Sometime during my early childhood either age 4, 5 or 6 one of the women took me to one of her "fish" in the PI who was a doctor. My memory is very limited. I remember seeing the guy who was white and had a 70s hairstyle. They put me in one of his exam sections on an exam table and pulled the curtain closed and danced out of my sight (I snuck a peak). She stayed outside the exam section, and he came in to where I was. I have lost all memory of what happened there, but I do remember crying in fear and walking away from the clinic. What haunts me about this memory is that I still have fears that come from memories of his clinic. I get really freaked out by white tiles on the walls except in bathrooms and kitchens. Listening to that horrid scraping violin(?) music (think M.A.S.H. theme) makes me want to curl up and die. Although I cannot speak of any abuse that happened there, I know that something was not right with that situation. I have never told my mom about this incident.

1986(?) - In the PI, when I was 6 years old a 15 year old daughter of high shepherds sexually molested and physically abused me in the neighboring selah home of Berg and Zerby. She made me do sexual things to her in the bathroom with the lights out. She would also drag me through the house finding objects to spank me with and would spank me for what seemed like an eternity. I held a grudge against this girl all my life, until recently in chat I was able to learn that she has moved on with her life. Reading other experiences on this website I have come to understand that her abuse of me was not her fault. She grew up in the same environment as me and acted out what she learned was right. I have never contacted her directly, but I have forgiven her for what she did to me. I place the blame on every adult who was in that home for teaching her how to do what she did, and on Berg and Zerby. Because I have forgiven her I will not name her.

1992 - 1994 - In Sweden a man who went by John Little had the responsibility of taking care of toddlers. The Jetts and Teens would take turns helping the child-care workers. During my shift with John, he would ask me to bath the 2 - 3 year old boys. Eventually he started asking me to clean their private parts in detail. When I refused to do it, he gave me a big lecture on how I need to learn how to please men. He used his own body as an example of what he wanted me to do. Several of us girls shared our horror at working with him, but I personally never told anyone of authority.

Compared to most my experiences may seem mild, but they haunt me still, and affect the way I live my life now. For example I cannot stand any affection from women, including basic hugs, etc. In TF my biggest NWO (need work on) was sharing affection with others. The only person who I am ever affectionate with in my current life is my boyfriend. I hug my guy friends and my brothers. But if a girl so much as touches me I get a chill up my spine, and I have yet to find a nice way of saying "Get your hands off of me!"

When I read the transcript of that recent show, I was so unbelievably angry. I am completely outraged by Claire Borowik for 2 reasons. One is because in her home in Baltimore (aka the DC Media home), one of the women - maybe even Claire herself - would talk to me about how she went FFing with my mom, and knew us back in PI. That would mean she was probably there when the first incident occured, and maybe it was even her who took me to see the doctor. Who knows? The other thing that sickens me about her is how she says each situation would have been individually reported and handled. Well I never reported shit because we lived in an environment of fear and belief that adults could only be right. The adults always seemed to gang up together whenever we presented issues about the others to them.

The closest I ever got to telling my mom about my experiences was when a teen was watching us one night at bedtime. I started telling her stories, some true and some not. I was blending it in as a fairy tale sort of thing, and I told her about the abuse by the teen girl. The next day she told my mom everything I had said. Rather than realizing that I had been blending my story, my mom was so upset that I had lied and made up stories. She even knew some of the stuff I had said to be true, but she was so pressed with what wasn't that she hardly paid attention. I think she was most upset by the story I made up about breaking a condom which caused my brother to be conceived. Well I got enough demerits to miss the next movie night, and was spanked as well. I swore then that I would never tell her anything about what happened.